Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters and I'm making no money off the story. This is for entertainment purposes only.

A/N Over the last few years, I've written more than my fair share of 'Tony leaving the team' type stories. So when it was announced several months ago that Michael Weatherly was leaving the show I wasn't tempted to write another one... until now. The catalyst for this story was actually another story I wrote last year but have yet to upload. I was going back and tweaking it - like I do periodically with anything I haven't posted. Bad habit btw! Anyhoo - it is a tag from season 5 which raised some issues about Tony's past, and it suddenly hit me that all the questions we have about his background and have hoped that someday might be addressed, even if the explanation was lame, ain't going to happen.

Thus 'Serieux' came into being when it occurred to me how to explain a great deal of the discrepancies that have greatly annoyed me over the years, but I had to resort to some rather extreme measures to do so. Perhaps that's why it was always ignored on the show...or more likely the powers that be weren't ever aware/concerned about it.

This is tongue in cheek - parts of it. Part satire/parody part analysis/introspection with a smidgeon of payback and it is absolutely AU. I can guarantee this isn't how TD leaves the show. It isn't beta'ed since I wanted to post it before the end of season 13, so it's still somewhat rough. My apologies in advance for any boo boos. I'll also warn Gibbs fans that this is not complimentary so you might want to skip it, or read it at your own risk.

Narky Author Rant: So I was about to upload this last night when I started to have second thoughts when I realised that the hall monitors might object to the story and demand I reclassify it. Now without giving away too much... because I wrote it that way, I decided that I better play safe and so I have broken up what was one story into two parts. The first part i.e. this one, has been split into three parts - an prologue, a middle and an epilogue. Part 2 will be posted in the crossover section on this site but the moment I reveal the crossover it will spoil the mystery which I really, really wanted to avoid, going into the story. This is my best compromise.

Serieux Part one

Prologue

Tobias Fornell groaned. His mouth felt as if a canary had mistaken it for the bottom of its birdcage and decided to crap in it. Too much booze, too much red wine, too much whiskey and definitely far too much rich food last night. Now he was paying the price for their night of overindulgence. Dragging himself into the shower and dressing, he headed for the coffee pot that had been brewing since he hit the shower. He sucked down several cups of caffeine before he could even think about heading into the office.

Hearing a soft footfall, he looked up, seeing his houseguest looking bright eyed and bushytailed as she made her way to the coffee pot and helped herself to a cup of coffee and added milk. He decided right then that he hated her, since she'd overindulged just as much as he had and yet she looked none the worse for wear. He guessed it was a sign of his incipient old age. How depressing!

His feelings of resentment towards his guest weren't improved as she smiled brightly at him, greeting him cheerily.

"Morning Toby. Want me to cook us something hot for breakfast. I'm starving!"

Fornell scowled. First off he hated being called Toby, second - he was in no shape for food, not even the thought of food. Last and definitely not least, his hangover had left him with a pounding headache.

"Hangover." He managed to force out before gulping more coffee.

She shook her head; Tobias wasn't sure if it was condemnation or sympathy. Skewering him with a stern gaze and a pat on the shoulder, she departed the kitchen with a, "Wait right there."

He assumed she was going for some aspirin or something similar. A gun would be really welcome so he could shoot himself, but instead she returned with a vial of something foul looking. And green. Giving it to him, she instructed him firmly, "Drink it, Toby."

Looking at it and then at her, his stomach gave a heave. "What the hell is it?" he managed to ground out.

"It's a hangover remedy. It'll either kill you or cure you," she joked. "Drink up!"

Since death would be a welcome release at the moment, he shrugged. Holding his nose, Fornell chugged it down in one go before he could chicken out. At first he thought it was just going to come straight back up again since it was vile tasting. Valiantly resisting the urge to up-chuck, he felt like some strange alchemy was taking place. First it was in his head, then it moved down to his stomach and spread out to his fingers and toes, leaving him feeling all tingly. Miraculously, he found his head clear, his mouth fresh and his stomach was settled. Unbelievably, he was suddenly famished.

"Feel better?" Smiling brown eyes scrutinized him carefully.

"Holy shit, that was incredible. Disgusting but incredible." Tobias enthused.

Frowning, his female companion smacked his wrist lightly. "Language, Toby," she admonished him before hustling into the kitchen and starting to cook a hot breakfast for them both.

As he watched the young woman with the glossy chestnut locks bustle around his kitchen cooking mushroom and cheese omelettes, he pondered her hangover cure. Somewhere, at the furthest reaches of his mind he remembered something about hangover cures but he couldn't recall what it was. Maybe if he slept on it, it would come to him.

As he left the house a while later, she called after him. "Make sure you bring him home with you tonight, Toby. I have to know if it's really him."

"It's him, Hon. I'd stake my pension on it but I'll drag him home tonight if at all possible - unless we get a case."