— I own only this story and any original characters. —
I haven't seen that episode and neither will I see it later, just so you know, in case I got the name wrong etc... Which is also why this is a short crackfic and sort of vague in setting, where and how people are talking to one another, the timelines etc. Anyway, with this whole thing I can truly say both, R.I.P. Tony DiNozzo and R.I.P. NCIS. At least those first years gave us the Tony DiNozzo we all know and love, which despite their best efforts they couldn't destroy.
Leo
...
"But... But I can't be the father," Tony stammered with wide eyes. Shock didn't do justice to how he felt.
Abby's answer to his confusion was to sigh and look annoyed. "Tony, I'm sure you'll learn and you'll have people who would love to help you. Like Gibbs. I think you could learn much from him. He's so good with children and children love him; everyone knows that."
"But I can't be the father!" he tried again. At the same time his mind was in turmoil as he tried to make some kind of sense where there was no sense whatsoever.
His father's reaction to the 'news' was... well, he was being Senior. One thing was sure: any child of his would be kept miles away from the old conman.
When Tony tried talking to Gibbs, the boss only gave him one of those looks of his and, "Suck it up, DiNozzo." With that kind of helpful advice and willingness to even listen, what more did he need, right?
"Boss, no, you don't understand!"
When he talked to McGee, the only things the probie seemed to care about was Ziva and Tony, plus a baby. He was already planning the plot for his next book.
"There never was any love affair to talk about, McRomeo!"
Ducky tried to be all 'grandfatherly' and supportive. "Oh, this is wonderful, Anthony."
"Wonderful? Did you miss the part where she never even told me? And I can't even be the father. It's not possible!" At that point Tony finally gave up trying to reason with his 'friends'. Especially when those friends—aka Abby—were already spreading around the romanticized story of how he became a father and people started congratulating him. After that it was his word against theirs. Who needed enemies when you had friends like his.
When he kept going on and on how he could not be the father, they all seemed to assume he was talking about his ability or willingness to be one. No one seemed to catch on there was that difference making part, the. So while the others were either gushing over the 'Tiva' baby, who was cute all right, or damning him for possibly even thinking about abandoning his own daughter, Tony tried to find logic among all the impossibilities to make this possible.
They had only shared a kiss, barely. No relationship. No sex. Surely he would know if little Anthony had gotten some action.
Had he been so drunk that he slept with her and couldn't even remember it? But no, he was pretty sure he would remember.
Did he do it while asleep? Somehow? Maybe..?
The sperm bank! Maybe she found a way to get his sperm and thus baby Tali was born.
Aliens made them do it..?
"I can't be the father, because I never slept with her!" he tried for the last time to get through the wall of 'not listening to a word you're saying because we know better '.
They. Just. Would. Not. Listen.
"Fine! I'll do the DNA test!"
He was not the father. They were finally quiet and Tony was breathing a deep sigh of relief, knowing he hadn't lost his mind, and then he wondered who was the father...
"So..." Abby started, looking hopeful. "No one has to know?"
"Abby!"
— The End —