AN: Heya! I'm back from the dead (which actually seems to be true this time - really not fond of car crashes, I can tell ya). Anyway, while on vacation in the US, I found some time to write a new fic (this one is actually completed for once). Spader was killing me with his facial expression and so this happened. Special thanks to my beta, greeneyesandgoldenlashes!

Disclaimer: All tears were mine but I don't own anything else.

Chapter 1

"Don't go, Lizzie. Please don't go," he begged, a thick lump in his throat as he watched the young woman in front of him fighting for her life.

He had never felt so helpless, so utterly useless as he did in that moment. This was Lizzie, his Lizzie, dying in front of him and it was all his fault. He knew it, had known it even before Kate had told him so after he had tried blaming it on Dembe. His long time friend had been far more forgiving and understanding than the elderly woman. He didn't deserve forgiveness, not one shred of it.

This beautiful young woman was dying and there was nothing he could do but watch.

"Please don't go, sweetheart. I'm begging you. Don't go."

Nik was working furiously on keeping her alive, until he suddenly wasn't anymore. Red watched with wide eyes as the younger man stepped away from the stretcher.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

"No," Red breathed. "Lizzie, no!" He stood then, cupping her face in both hands as if to rouse her from her slumber. "Lizzie! Do something, damn it!" He shouted at the man.

The doctor let his head hang and sat down. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "She's gone."

He was shaking badly, his fingers twitching against her pale cheeks. "Wake up for me, Lizzie. Please wake up. Don't go."

His attempts were fruitless however. She wouldn't wake up. He would never get to see her beautiful eyes again, would never hear her voice. The way she said his name. She had called him Raymond back at the makeshift hospital. It had sounded so sweet dropping from her lips. She had said his name and told him that-

Had she really told him that she loved him?

It had been the last time she had spoken out loud. Her last words had been that she loved him.

How dare she leave now! He hadn't even had the chance to respond before she had drifted off. Anger shot through his veins. How dare she?!

"Elizabeth!" He wanted to shout at her, make her wake up. Yell at her that she didn't get to confess such things and then leave him. But even before his anger could take full control, he felt this unbelievable sadness in his chest. The sudden emptiness inside was tearing him apart.

Clutching her limp hand in his, he heavily sat down at her side. "Oh, Lizzie..." He raised her hand and flattened her palm against his cheek, holding it tightly against his skin, his hot tears catching on her fingers. He nuzzled his face against her hand, wishing more than anything that she would wake up.

It didn't matter if she yelled at him, despised him even, he just needed her to wake up again. This woman was everything, without her he was nothing, without her there was no reason to keep on living. He had told her that, many long months ago.

'What are they gonna do to me that hasn't been done before? Kill me? Nothing is worse than losing you.'

Back then he hadn't known just how true these words would be.

He had lost her. For good. And it hadn't even been by choice. She had been roughly taken from him. If it had only been her choice to go away, somewhere where he wouldn't interfere with her life, then he would at least know she was safe. But that wasn't the case.

She was dead.

Elizabeth Keen. His Lizzie. The woman he loved more than anything. She was dead.

LizzingtonLizzingtonLizzington

When the door of the van was opened, he didn't even look up. He didn't even care who it might be, nothing mattered anymore.

He heard someone speaking, heard Nik reply something, but he wasn't listening. All he could do was nuzzle her hand, feel the softness of her palm against his cheek.

The back door was opened and Kate and Ressler stood there.

"Raymond, you need to leave. The police are here," the woman told him,

He couldn't move. He felt physically unable to leave her side, as he kept rubbing his cheek against her hand. Lizzie. His Lizzie.

He didn't know how long it took him to even manage to stand up, gently putting her hand down. He leaned in close and pressed his lips against her forehead for a long time, inhaling her sweet scent. Oh, how he missed her. It was tearing him apart. He placed another kiss to her eyebrow, unable to pull away just yet. Moving his lips further down, he softly kissed her closed eyelid, his nose brushing against her skin. With a last long press of his lips against her, he pulled himself away, his heart splitting in two.

'I love you,' he thought.

Somehow he managed to leave her side, telling Kaplan that he didn't want herin some morgue, as Ressler put a jacket over his shoulders. He was led to a car, where Dembe was standing, opening the door for him. He felt his knees buckle before he could step inside and if not for his long time friend, he would have ended up on the pavement, not that it would have mattered.

He was heaved into the vehicle and the door shut behind him, but nothing really registered as only one thing was on his mind.

Lizzie.

They went back to the makeshift hospital. Back to where Tom was waiting with the baby. The younger man knew immediately that the news wasn't good, probably from the look on Red's face.

As the little bundled up girl was placed into his arms, he managed to suppress the empty feeling inside. The baby looked just like her mother, her bright eyes on Red's face, as she took hold of his finger. She was beautiful. And apparently named after Sam's mother. Only Lizzie. He knew immediately that the need to protect her daughter was unhealthy, probably unwanted as well, but he couldn't help himself. He needed to do this, needed to do anything and everything to accomplish what he had failed with his precious Lizzie.

He loved little Agnes already.