Chapter 01

Anthony Stark stood in front of the door to Steve Rogers' room in Avenger Tower, fingers still painfully clutching Steve's letter. Wrong choice of words. The letter was from Captain America, not Steve Rogers. He couldn't make the same mistake again and think that Captain America and Steve were two people. No. Captain America had almost killed him. He was the same man as Steve Rogers, his former friend, his teammate, his... the Avenger.

"Do you want me to open the door, boss?"

Tony's paralysis was interrupted by the female voice of his artificial intelligence, FRIDAY. After a few difficulties and a lot of thinking, he had installed her at the tower. "No, thanks, sweetie. I've got this. I can do things on my own, ya know." His voice was raw, the words scraping his throat. He swallowed and forced a grin onto his face. "I'm old enough to drink, smoke, have sex, ride an elevator and open doors as well." His cheerful tone belied the cold dread that lay in his stomach as he stared at the door in front of him. He had spent years developing his masks as a defense mechanism and means of diverting people's attention so they never saw his pain, his fear.

"Your pulse is slightly elevated, indicating significant discomfort." Of course, even if he could outsmart all of humankind, he couldn't fool an A.I. he'd created who constantly monitored his vital signs.

"Thanks for the newsflash, glad to hear your sensors are working splendidly."

With a few strokes on the keypad, the door fell open and Tony took a careful step inside. The only thing in these quarters which he hadn't bought remained an old framed photograph of Steve and Bucky in their uniforms.

It was fascinating how such a kind, friendly, and open face could warp with determination and anger. As he stared at the photo, Tony's world shrunk down to the seconds when that same smiling person had pinned him to the cold ground, eyes hard as he raised the shield for a final blow. Only a week ago, Tony would have sworn Steve Rogers would never harm him. And yet just few days before, Tony had been in mortal danger from the man he had trusted most. It was like Obadiah all over again.

For the first time, Tony had stood against Captain America, and in that moment, he had known the superhero would kill him. The man had worn the same face as his friend, Steve, but had been steadily pressing onto the glass of the already damaged arc reactor, and Tony had known these were his last seconds.

"Should I inform the doctor about your condition?"

"No." Tony shook himself and placed the letter next to the picture frame. No matter how much time passed, he still saw Steve's face in his dreams, killing him, lying to him, betraying him. Worst of all was that even after everything they had gone through, their years as both teammates and friends, when Tony had most needed Steve's friendship and trust, Steve had chosen the Winter Soldier over Tony, had cared more for the murderer of Tony's parents than their son.

"I'm leaving now," Tony informed FRIDAY, needlessly. The words were more to reaffirm his decision to separate himself entirely from the former Avengers.

The fact that Steve Rogers had given up everything for the safety of a mass murderer was the main problem Tony couldn't forgive. He understood Steve's desperate need to protect his friend and try to keep him safe. Tony would burn the world to protect his friends too, but the Winter Soldier had killed his parents.

What was so wrong with Anthony Edward Stark that the people he cared for always ended up trying to kill him? What was so unlovable about him that they always either left him alone or chose someone else? He knew his intelligence intimidated others, that his confidence in his abilities was often seen as arrogance, that he could be abrasive, and that his near-constant talking could be annoying, but did he really deserve this permanent cycle of abandonment and betrayal?

"Colonel Rhodes is waiting in your workshop, boss," FRIDAY said, pulling Tony from his dark thoughts.

"Tell him I'll be there in a sec." Tony exited the Captain's room and stood by the door again, staring at the floor. How many times had he read the letter? Enough times that he could recite it from memory.

Tony,

I'm glad you're back at the compound, I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere – even in the Army. My faith is in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but – maybe they shouldn't. I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought – by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but… I can see now I was really sparing myself. I'm sorry. Hopefully, one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you were only doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do, it's all any of us should. So no matter what, I promise if you need us, if you need me, I'll be there.

Steve

Steve Rogers had written a fine piece of shit letter. It was clear he still believed himself to be on the side of righteousness and that Tony had been wrong. Still, like a good boy, Rogers had sent an apology, because it was the "right thing to do". But his weak-ass explanations and patronizing consolations didn't change the truth. Rhodey wouldn't be walking anytime soon, thanks to their clusterfuck of a fight in Leipzig. Captain America had chosen the Winter Soldier over Tony. And the other Avengers, Tony's "family", as Rogers called them, had turned against Tony, and the majority of them were in the Raft. Tony wasn't naïve enough to believe that, even if they escaped, they would forgive him, come back to him.

I'll be there.

That was a lie. Tony had stayed behind in New York, working his butt off to enable Rhodey to walk again. Tony had nearly killed himself with press conferences and public appearances in his desperation to convince the public that the Avengers weren't a threat, pushing himself until he almost collapsed from exhaustion, despite the injuries he had sustained in Siberia. Tony was the one who was grieving his parents' death all over again, the wound of their loss having been violently ripped open, bleeding as badly as it had the morning when the police had told Tony the devastating news. Tony was always the one standing alone against the world. What a noble thing for Steve to give him the Avengers.

Except there were no more Avengers. Vision floated aimlessly, without cheer. Rhodey couldn't leave the Compound, even if he wanted to. Natasha was gone; Tony didn't want her nearby in case Ross incarcerated her too, and king T'Challa was back in Wakanda. When the dust had settled, they were no longer the Avengers. They were just fools.

"FRIDAY, seal the door and don't let anyone in."

"As you wish. What about Captain Rogers?"

"Don't worry. He won't be here. No one in, ok?"

"Done."

Tony headed steadily to the elevator. "And find me some good songs, I need to listen to something with a beat. It's time to do some work. How are my bots? Everything alright?"

"I'm going through your work playlist now, boss."

"Good girl. So, what were Rhodey's results with our latest experiment?" He lifted his omnipresent tablet and started the 3D projection of the tests throughout his elevator ride.

Steve Rogers sat on the couch with a notepad in his hand and was currently shading a figure of Iron Man against the sky. "I know you're there." His enhanced hearing helped him to notice Natasha entering through the window in the second room. Steve was on the run from the US government, a wanted fugitive, and she had offered him one of her safe houses after their fiasco.

"How are you doing? Anything going on in the neighborhood, Steve?"

"Everyone is sleeping peacefully." His reply was distracted. How many times had he seen Tony in the same pose as the one beneath his hand?

"And you?"

"We're talking about your neighbors, not me." Steve stopped his work and finally gave his attention to the Black Widow.

"You want to talk about anything?" Natasha silently slid near him onto the couch.

Steve wanted to talk about lot of things. "How is he?" They both knew the "he" in question was Tony Stark.

"He's fixing our mess as usual, throwing money in every direction, kissing Ross' ass, not sleeping much, traveling around the world, keeping Vision from moping about Wanda and working insane hours. Nothing new."

Steve didn't believe it.

"Except he's not talking about you, and he's killing himself in the process of finding a solution for Rhodes' situation. How about you?" She glanced at the drawing. "Nursing your crush, I see. So, nothing unusual on your front either."

Her gentle smile hurt. "Is he-" Steve didn't have to finish. She knew him.

"I don't know what happened in Siberia, but-" Natasha's smile was gone. "-I've never seen him so skittish around people."

"What about-" There was one person who would know what was going on with Tony, but she and Tony were currently in an off phase of their relationship.

"I already called Pepper. She hadn't heard from him for a few months, then she talked with Vision after Tony had a- reaction. Let's just say there were a lot of swear words involved, Tony yelling and ordering Vision to never sneak up on him again. Pepper told me he acted like this after Obadiah had tried to kill him."

Steve's entire being was awash with shame. He had never felt so low as he did now for scaring Tony like this. In the heat of the moment he hadn't seen another way to end their fight other than to make Tony submit by going for the arc reactor.

At the time, he'd thought it was a good decision; he could incapacitate the suit and end the fight without any of them getting more injured. But with a few days' distance, Steve realized he should never have swung the shield down. Not into Iron Man's chest. Not into the reactor. Bucky had already damaged it and Steve could have killed Tony by accident.

It was only after the glass of the reactor had shattered that Steve could see the irreparable damage his action had caused. Tony was staring at him, eyes wide and an expression of naked fear and betrayal on his face. That look gutted Steve, and as he looked down at the engineer, the frustration and righteous fury that had powered Steve throughout the fight abruptly left him. There was no recognition in Tony's eyes; he looked at Steve as if he were a stranger, as if he had never seen him before.

They had both made so many mistakes, but their fighting against each other in Siberia had been the worst.

Natasha continued, her words bringing Steve back to the present. "-He installed FRIDAY at the Tower and locked everyone out of his workshop. He won't let anyone but Rhodey inside. Sure, he does a good job of not showing it when he's speaking in public, but other than business, he's completely isolated himself from others. As if he doesn't feel safe around people, even those he used to trust." Natasha's voice was mild, but Steve could see the concern in her eyes. "Steve, he won't even meet up with Pepper at his home anymore. What happened after I let you guys go?"

Steve stared at his fists where they rested on his knees as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. It took a moment for him to force out the words.

"We fought."

Natasha made an exasperated noise. "Yeah, over Bucky. Whole world knows that much. What else?"

"I almost killed him. I didn't want to, but-"

"It's fine, Steve. He's Tony Stark. Everyone wants to kill him at some point or another."

"No," Steve cut her off, and she fell silent. After several seconds, he finally found the courage to look her in the eyes. "It's not a joke, or an exaggeration. We fought. Me and Bucky against Tony. I swung the shield at him repeatedly, but he wouldn't give up. He just kept going after Bucky over and over again. It was like he couldn't see anything else. I tried to talk him down, but he never- listened to me. He's always so stubborn. Bucky nearly ripped out the arc reactor with his metal hand, and then Tony tore the arm from Bucky's body-"

Steve was breathing fast, his chest tight with remembered fear for Bucky. "I lost it, then." His voice sounded strangled, and he would have clenched his hands in his hair and groaned, but he couldn't show that much weakness, not even in front of Natasha. Instead, he merely clenched his fists until the knuckles stood out white against the skin and forced himself to keep speaking.

"I was so angry at him, for attacking Bucky, for making me have to fight him. I just wanted it to end, and I went after him with all that anger. I beat him until he fell, and then I pinned him to the floor. I rammed the shield into his reactor. The glass broke and-" His voice trailed off as he ruthlessly suppressed a sob.

How could she look at him so calmly?

"-I scared him, Nat." He whispered defeatedly. "He was terrified, of me. I saw it in his face." He couldn't bear her gentle gaze anymore; he didn't deserve it, and he squeezed his eyes shut in shame.

It was several moments before Natasha broke the silence again. "You know, I betrayed Tony's trust when I let you leave with Bucky, but he still warned me that Ross was going to come after me, and he let me remove myself from the Tower to prevent myself from being caught," she said in a considering tone. Then she shrugged. "Nothing's ever just black and white, Steve, and Tony has always been discerning of that gray. I think, in time, he'll understand your reasons and everything will be alright."

"I knew for years that the Winter Soldier killed his parents and I hid the truth from him. He followed us to Siberia to help us, and we were all okay for a few minutes. Then he watched the Winter Soldier murder his parents, and he went so still, I almost thought the armor had shut down. But when he realized I had known and hadn't told him, he became so enraged he wasn't thinking straight."

"Are you really surprised?"

"No. But then he attacked Bucky, who hadn't been in control when he killed Tony's parents, and the jerk was barely fighting back. I thought Tony was going to kill him, Nat, and Bucky is innocent," he pleaded, trying to make her understand the whole terrible situation. "I jumped in to protect Bucky without even thinking." Steve chewed his lip, then sighed. "We made such a mess of everything, and I don't know if we'll ever be able to recover from that. There've just been too many words, too many blows, too many misunderstandings. Do you really think it's possible for us to be how we were before?"

"Rhodey certainly won't," she piped up guiltily.

Good point. Steve was ashamed again. Rhodey's situation could have been prevented. The airport fight could have been avoided if they all had just talked like the adults they supposedly were. Perhaps Banner or Thor might have lent a voice of reason, but they were who knows where, and so instead, they had chosen sides and torn an airfield apart in their fight.

In the end, they had only proven Ross right, that they couldn't be trusted, that they needed to be controlled to protect everyone else from them.