Sakura Haruno grumbled to herself as she made her way to the Tower in the wee hours of the morning. Only hours ago, she'd just gotten done with a surgery that was miraculous even for her. Three hours ago, to be precise. And prior to that, she'd been working all week-long because the hospital was so short-staffed with a bug going around – literally all week-long. No sleep whatsoever. She'd gotten by on coffee and soldier pills; and quite frankly, that just wasn't healthy…

Tonight had been the night Sakura was going to get some real sleep. Understandably she was grouchy that she only got three hours of the stuff.

"Alright, what's going… on…?" Sakura trailed off after violently throwing the door open, nearly causing it to snap off its hinges. The reason she faltered was the sight of what looked to be a civilian man flanked by two Anbu guards standing before the Hokage's desk; Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke, and even Sai was present as well, though they all had varying degrees of frustration written on their faces.

Naruto, the Seventh Hokage, just looked confused with Sakura's arrival.

"What're you doin' here, Sakura-chan? Thought you'd be asleep after the week you've had, dattebayo."

Sakura twitched and glared heatedly at Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sai.

"You woke me up for this? We all know how this will end!" She hissed.

Kakashi closed his visible eye and laughed awkwardly.

"Yeah, well… We literally can't let this one go like the others. Rehabilitation does not work, and we should know, since he went right back to it after going through rehab five times…"

"I don't care about that!" Sakura grinded her teeth. "If he's such a menace to society, why don't you just execute him?!"

"Because Lord Hokage is not allowing it." Sai replied simply enough.

"You know we haven't had a proper execution in years," Sasuke added his two cents. He snorted. "Naruto thinks we can 'save him' like we did the past eighty-nine criminals. Frankly, those eighty-nine are saints when you compare them to this guy, even before they were reformed."

Sakura reeled back slightly at that declaration. This guy couldn't seriously be that bad… could he? He was definitely a civilian!

"What did he do?" Sakura asked in disbelief, having never seen the man before.

"He's wanted on many counts of murder and rape…" Kakashi idly remarked. "Fifty-two counts of raping teenage girls, and three hundred and seventy-two murders. He's no shinobi, but clearly he's been studying what we do."

Sakura stared twitchily at the civilian man, who did not look even slightly affected by Kakashi's recount of his crimes.

"How. How could be as skilled at killing as the Yellow Flash?! WHERE WERE THE DAMN ANBU?!"

"Actually, Minato-sensei has a much higher kill count," Kakashi easily contradicted his former student. "He killed a thousand Stone-nin in one battle during the Third War. But this guy will get there in time if we let him go… again… and again…"

"I repeat: how did he kill so many?! Somebody would've noticed long before the kill count got that high!"

Sasuke snorted.

"Kakashi gave the total number, Sakura. Remember that this guy has been through rehab five times. His most recent slaughter was the result of poisoning the food at Yakiniku Q's. The only reason we were able to trace the poison back to him at all was because he doesn't give a shit. And why would he, when no matter what he does the worst he gets is a slap on the wrist and a trip to rehab?"

Seeing Sakura's face turn positively green, Kakashi sighed tiredly.

"There are just some people who need to die, Sakura-chan. There might not be so many of those ever since we dealt with Kaguya and united the villages, but there's still a few here and there." His visible eye slid over to their 'esteemed' Hokage. "Contrary to what some people believe…"

"Everyone can be saved, Sakura-chan!" Naruto boisterously defended himself. "I mean, I saved Nagato from himself, and he had a god complex, y'know. And I saved Obito, and he was absolutely convinced he was 'nobody'."

"That's… That's great, Naruto…" Sakura shakily let out as she stared in horror at her former teammate. "But what happens when you meet a guy who's just as resilient as you in terms of his… philosophy…"

"No one's more resilient than me, Sakura-chan!" Naruto grinned toothily. "Not even Sasuke, 'cause I beat some sense into his thick skull, y'know. At the Valley of the End?"

Breathe, Sakura. In. Out. In. Out.

"Naruto, if therapy didn't work on this guy five times, what makes you think a sixth, seventh, or even fiftieth try will?!" Sakura bellowed. "You're the damn HOKAGE. You're supposed to be defending us from threats like him!"

Naruto held up his hands placatingly.

"N-Now, now, Sakura-chan… Like I said, he's gonna go back to rehab, so you'll be safe…"

"I'm sure all those deflowered girls felt very safe when this guy was released back into society…" Sakura ground out. "And all those dead people…"

"Well, what do you want from me?! I'm not gonna have one of you guys kill him when there's a chance we can save him!"

"And you guys wonder why I left all those years ago…" Sasuke muttered. Ignoring him, Kakashi virtuously tried to reason with his… Hokage…

"Naruto, no one will think ill of you if you kill the really bad people. In fact, they'll think you as a really good Hokage for doing so." Kakashi idly massaged his temples.

"Why don't you do it yourself, Naruto…?" Sai proposed when it looked like the blond was going to further argue his case. He could be stubborn like that. "That way, his death is quick and probably painless…"

A Tailed Beast Bomb would certainly be capable of that, right? But the fact that Naruto's eyes glassed over was not very promising at all.

"Me… kill… somebody…?" Naruto gaped at Sai in open-mouthed horror. Sakura groaned at his theatrics.

"Surely you've gotten used to it by now," Sakura said rather exasperatedly. "You achieved your dream and became Hokage, damn it! You couldn't possibly have come all this way and not killed even a single…"

Sakura trailed off as everyone thought about it. Really thought about it. They did not like this dawning realization. Not one bit.

"N-Naruto… hasn't killed a single person…" Kakashi murmured in awe. "Holy shit. How did we not realize this sooner?"

"Probably because you guys handled all the killing yourselves," Sasuke deadpanned. Really, he hadn't been around the blond nearly as long as Kakashi, Sakura, or Sai. He'd been a missing-nin for several years, after all.

Sai had a contemplative face as he tried to think of even one time the blond might have killed somebody.

"What about that time… no, wait… Hmm… Or what about… No…"

Indeed, even with an S-Rank mercenary group after the Nine-Tails inside of him, Naruto hadn't killed a single Akatsuki member. Sasori? Technically committed suicide by parents (that happened to be puppet replicas of said parents). Hidan? Shikamaru buried him, and he was still swearing in the Nara woods. Kakuzu? Naruto beat him, but it was Kakashi who really offed the guy. Deidara? Suicide with a boom. Itachi? Committed suicide by younger brother. Pain? Suicide by resurrecting the Hidden Leaf villagers. Konan? Apparently Obito killed her, though no one could confirm that. Kisame? Suicide by sharks. Zetsu? … Well, the blond had killed a lot of the White Zetsu, but could they really be counted as human beings? They sprouted damn trees when Naruto attacked them with Nine-Tails' Chakra. Black Zetsu was sealed with his mother. Obito? Suicide by Saving The World. Madara? Died after the Tailed Beasts and Kaguya were extracted from him. Kaguya? … Sealed. Actually it was kinda disturbing how so many Akatsuki members committed suicide… whether by technicality or not. At least six members brought about their own deaths. So much for tough-as-nails mercenaries.

And of course Orochimaru and Kabuto were both still around. Reformed and all that. It was kinda disturbing with Kabuto running an orphanage… but you got used to it.

"SHANNARO! That is it!" Sakura screeched. "Naruto, you are going to execute this sonuvabitch right now. Pop your damn cherry already, damn it!"

Naruto just stared at Sakura in open-mouthed horror.

"C…Can't one of you guys do it for me? I… I save people, I don't kill them."

"SHANNARO!"

One of the Anbu, who had remained silent up until this point, delicately coughed to gain everyone's attention, even his partner who had been too absorbed in the back-and-forth between the Hokage and his legendary team.

"Um… the prisoner has escaped, sirs, madam."

Everyone turned to see the shackles laying harmlessly on the ground and the door to the office still wide open. Kakashi summed up everyone's thoughts.

"Well… shit."

Author's Note: I'm done trying to argue the same points over and over. If you want to bring up the flaw, "But Naruto DID kill before," feel free to if you are compelled to. The bonus chapter is meant to amend that, and this will stay a crackfic, so don't feel too disappointed if the whole premise remains basically unchanged. Fillers? Movies? It's fine to say Naruto killed there; what I'm focusing on here is canon. In canon, yes, Naruto had the urge to kill several times; I never explicitly said Naruto didn't. If you're referring to Naruto's reaction to killing when I brought it up here, it was more for comedic effect, not to say that Naruto has NEVER wanted to kill.

The main point of contention has been Naruto killing Yura. I will say it until I'm blue in the face: I WAS WRONG. The bonus chapter is an admission of that. But don't think I'm changing the premise; this is a crackfic, so I'm putting a spin on that first kill, whether you like it or not. Kakuzu, Obito, all the rest to my knowledge have been NEAR-KILLS, but others stole them from Naruto, pretty much. Kakashi cut down Kakuzu with (presumably) Chidori. Obito died more because he overused Kamui/his Chakra.

I'm sorry if this comes off a little rant-y, I'm just trying to stop the same arguments from being repeated. Again: I was wrong. But it's a crackfic, so if you want to take it seriously, be my guest; this WAS for fun, and not to merely point something out. I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of it myself.