Breaking Hope

Sabriel_is_otp

Summary:

Post season 7 angel season 5, Buffy finds out Spike is alive and comes to see him, only her true love being alive is not the only surprise she encounters.

Angel has lost his soul against and this time tortures the Spuffy duo, made worse by a recent claim

THIS IS A VERY DARK FIC

Notes:

Please note that this is a very dark fic full of torture, I may raise the rating later, if you are unprepared for a lot of angst and semi-graphic torture stop reading now

Chapter Management

Chap one

Six months have passed since Spike had... since he had died. I have finally been able to get myself to admit it. He died for me, I could have stopped him; it's still all my fault. I could have let Angel wear the damn thing. If I had , then maybe Spike wouldn't have had to sacrifice himself. He wouldn't be gone now and there wouldn't be this gaping hole in my chest.

I've tried to keep myself distracted with other things, one of them being the Immortal. That's all he will ever be though. After you find true love. And I mean true love, you can't just let it go. Because once it's gone you will still burn for them. This pain that I keep feeling must be how he felt when I died. Maybe it's false hope but sometimes I dream of him still being alive, somewhere just out of reach but still close enough. But that's impossible, and even if he was alive or somehow back, then why hadn't he come to find me?

Did he really think that I wouldn't want to see him? Or that I was really lying when I told him that I love him? If he is alive does he still love me? I had been alone here in Rome and Xander was off in Mexico recruiting Slayers, and Willow and Kennedy in Brazil. Even Dawn was in the boarding school that got set up for the new Slayers. No one was here except me and-

I snapped out of my thoughts as the apartment door banged open and Andrew entered. Only something was up, just looking at him I could tell that he was hiding something. "So how did LA go? Did Angel really let you just take her?" I questioned him with an eyebrow raised. He looked more nervous at that point, if that was somehow possible. He tried to cover his jumpiness with a poorly executed layer of casualness. Anyone could see how he was avoiding my eye contact and trying to blend into the wall as far away from me as possible. "Nothing! Wait, uh, yeah... it went well, yeah, totally great."

He regained his composure for the most point when as he continued. "After he saw the girls he seemed fine enough to let us take her." He turned away and shook out his coat, and something silver went flying. I went over to the couch to grab it , but when I got near it I froze in place.

It was a lighter. Spike's lighter. "W-where did you get that?" I stuttered out. But Andrew seemed equally surprised to see it there, but not for the reason I was. "Andrew, where did you get Spike's lighter? It would had to have dusted with him, so how-?" And just by the look on his face I could now tell exactly what he had been hiding since he got here.

"He's back isn't he?" He nodded with a tight smile. "He came back and he didn't find me or even tell me?" I felt hot tears pricking my eyes. Yes, the love of my life was back and I should be happy, thrilled. But I couldn't be because if he still loved me, why would he leave me here , all alone?

"Buffy ," Andrew called gently . "I know what your thinking, and he still does love you, he just wanted to be the one to tell you, he said he would handle telling you himself, and told me not to let you know. His lighter here, might be just that. Him telling you. This is your chance, go to him." It's times like this that I remember how insightful Andrew really is. With a nod I grab the lighter and take off for LA.

I emptied my pockets and hoped on the next plane I could, over twelve hours later I was in LA and on my way to where I assumed Spike to be: Wolfram and Hart. It was dark out already and it was the middle of the night as I neared the building. But what was my plan? I couldn't just walk in the building, and Spike never had a cell phone. So what was I to do? I got my answer when he stormed out if the front door, grumbling and pissed as hell. I dove in the bushes.

"B loody psycho Slayer, why the hell w-" he froze in place and breathed a large breath in though his nose "Buffy?" He questioned looking around. Then he sniffed again and turned to face me, and I climbed out of the brush. It was really him. We locked eyes and almost hypnotically moved towards each other until we touched.

Th e two of us stood there like that for who knows how long and only broke eye contact when a siren wailed near by. We turned in the direction of it and in doing so, I put my arm on his, and he winced. "You're hurt!" He gave a tight smile. "S'nothing" the next second his arms were wrapped around me and mine around him. I felt tears freely escaping for the first time in a while and could tell he was crying as well. "Oh bloody hell, I've missed you so much." M y thoughts then came back in a circle. "Spike, how-"

He let go and held up a hand . "Let me get you something to drink, we can sit down, talk. I'll explain everything then." I nodded and we headed to a café.

When we got there we ordered two café mochas and got settled. "So, h-how long?"

"F ew months, but it's more complicated than that, luv. Maybe I should just start at the beginning, yeah?" When I nodded he continued,

"Little while back, I popped up in the big poof's office, straight out of the amulet. But when I got back I was all ghostly, non-corporeal." He stopped momentarily when the waitress brought us our drinks. He took a sip leaving a thin trail or whipped cream on his lip, before he licked it clean. "I wasn't just ghostly though, I couldn't leave LA. As soon as I hit the city limits I got slingshotted back to captain forehead's office. I couldn't touch anything and I couldn't leave."

It made sense really, he must have gotten destroyed. But I can touch him now so at some point he became corporeal again, but how? "One day I got a package in the mail, when I opened it it was just a big flash o' nothing, but when I went to walk through a door, I slammed right into it, and I know what you wanna know, why didn't I come to you, right? I I should have and I know that but, I couldn't face you."

At the look of confusion in my face he became hesitant, but continued. "I planned on coming over, I really did. Even bought a boat ticket. But I thought that, even though I died. 'M back now. My sacrifice, means nothing. I thought that since I'm back you wouldn't really care to see me, I'm no hero anymore ."

O h God is that really what he had been thinking? "Spike- I would never.I told you that I love you and I meant it. I have you back now and I'm never letting you go again. You are and will always be a hero." He reached out and grabbed my hand. Squeezing it lightly we held eye contact, when it became too intense I broke our gaze and spilled my mocha. His eyes crinkled slightly with amusement as he chuckled. "What?" I asked. He reached out and brushed his thumb across my upper lip, wiping off some whipped cream. We paused a moment before connecting our lips. The kiss deepened and we leaned over the table. Abruptly, with a short hiss of pain, he pulled away. I had almost forgotten. "Spike, what's wrong? That's the second time I've seen you in pain, what happened?.

" He smiled meekly and hesitated before saying : " The looney bint cut off my hands-" As soon as he said that my eyes widened and as gently as possibly I wrapped him up in my arms, and held him, freaking out. ." I'm fine ,luv," he said taking a step back. "Look," he continued, flexing his hands and his arms. "All better." We finished our coffee and headed out of the small café. He began pulling on his duster . He was completely avoiding eye contact, looking at anything but me. "I've got a little place of my own, if you want, luv"

"Of course." The looked a little surprised to be honest, and that was a bit surprising. Did he not think that I would want to? To reassure him I leaned in close to and he wrapped his arm around me.