Awakening

A dream. In it, I stand in a rain-soaked square, the ground in tears all around me. I have been fighting someone. And as I look up, I see it. My sword piercing her gut. I am a murderer once again.

I woke up to the sound of silence. And a fiery hell within me.

At first, I couldn't move a muscle. It was all I could do to stay conscious. Mostly thanks to the constant torrent of pain rushing through every nerve in my body. Sometimes, even now, I still get flashes, small reminders of the intensity of that agony.

And when I eventually passed out, I dreamed once more.

A dense forest with daylight peeking through amid the trees.

The sounds of gunfire and battle in the distance.

A dream I couldn't quite place. It felt like a memory, but I felt disconnected from it, like I was watching it all through someone else's eyes. Yet those memories felt more painful than the agony I felt while awake. And so I attempted to remain conscious each time I awoke for as long as I could, just to escape those visions.

I couldn't tell exactly where I was at first, because I couldn't see. Either it was too dark, or my eyes refused to co-operate. Not long after I awakened, I managed to open my left eye slightly, and I could see around me a little. Dark shapes all around, and a strange light somewhere above my vision, emitting a small red blaze. Soon I realized where I was. Rested against the wall of a small cavern, propped up against the wall like some kind of stuffed animal. I might have shivered in the damp, cold air had I been able to.

After the exertion of forcing my eye open, I fell asleep once more. And I kept dreaming.

Our blades clashing in deadly duel. Her hesitation in killing me.

That Noriyuki coward interrupting our fight, giving her time to get herself back together.

The suffering lasted a long while. But as time went on, the suffering gradually lessened and I realized what the source of my physical pain was. My body healing from countless wounds. Wounds that should have killed me many times over.

And as my mind could finally concentrate on more than the agony, I began to remember what had caused those wounds. And I realized what the light I had been seeing by really was…and where it was.

The determination in her eyes as we faced each other for the last time as evening fell upon us.

My Sesshouseki, My Death Stone. The gemstone embedded in my forehead.

Her, pulling out the hidden blade that I failed to notice.

My Sesshouseki was the reason I was alive. It was what was healing my body of all its numerous wounds.

Every detail of Her face, framed in moonlight, carved into my memory, as I realize she has won, and I am about to die.

I should be dead. I would have been, if not for the Stone.

All the faces of the dozens of people I've killed or injured beyond recovery came back to me in an instant, overwhelming me.

The dozens of Supernatural Disaster prevention soldiers. All six members of STS special division four. Sakuraba-san. The other Nabuu. Uncle Yuu. The elder Tsuchimiya. Cousin Mei.

All those lives. All that pain. Had I really done all that? Had that really…been me?

But I couldn't deny it. I remembered each face too clearly. Each slice of my sword. Every drop of blood spilled.

And my hands, as I looked down at them, soaked in red.

Or so it felt to me.

Then…I remembered her, as I had known her before our duel to the death. My mind flooded with every moment I had had with her.

Her moving in with us after the death of her mother. Asking her about her favourite foods. Playing games with her and having fun, things she had never done before.

My one last treasure.

Getting her to expand her little world of training and spirit beasts. Holding her when she was scared or sad. Wiping away her tears when she cried.

The one thing in my life I had had left to protect.

All those times I had work out of the blue after I had promised her I'd be with her that evening. The first time I brought her with me to work. The first time we fought side by side. That time with the sudden Pocky game in the car.

What had happened to her after that last battle?

Her, always by my side when I was stuck in the hospital, unable to move.

Tears streaming down her face. Tears I wished so badly I would not have been the cause of, unable to even wipe those tears from her eyes.

That picture of us on my phone.

If I was still alive, had the duel ended differently than I remembered? Was she even alive anymore? Had my last wish been granted by the Stone, or had it betrayed me after all? Had I protected her with what had seemed to be my death or had I failed in even that task?

I couldn't bear it. I tried to scream, but no sound came. I tried to get up and run, but my legs wouldn't move an inch. I was stuck. Stuck with the memories. Stuck in this body. Stuck with my guilt.

Because the Stone wouldn't let me have my end.

The terrifying outburst of feelings that these memories brought back crushed me utterly. All the guilt, all the sadness, all the hatred, all the despair, all the suffering, come back to wipe me out of existence.

Except I couldn't die. I was stuck there with it all, forced to bear it with no end in sight.

-

Post-story notes: To all those who have had the opportunity to read parts of this story previously, I am sorry for the sudden, unintended, and rather long break/hiatus. I truly did not intend this, but simply haven't been able to get myself to write much of anything lately, in addition to having to recover from a planned surgery over most of this summer. Older readers who've read this chapter before might notice a change to the beginning of the story. Just a little something to let you all know that I do have much more planned for this story and will keep writing this story until it's finished. I now have a new way of getting/forcing myself to actually write occasionally, so hopefully I'll have another full chapter up again in a while, hopefully before I start university courses again in the autumn.

Again, I am sorry for the unexpected disappearance, and I hope you will still continue reading (and hopefully enjoying) this story.