Title: Pain

Author: Nightshade sydneylover150

Disclaimer: I don't own them. They are owned by Paramount Studios, CBS, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and the actors that portrayed these wonderful characters

Beta: Currently searching for a few, anyone interested?

Summary: "Supposedly it was supposed to be the ultimate connection between partners in the Vulcan culture. However to Jim it was a constant, pounding headache."

Rating: M for Jim's mouth

Jim didn't give a damn what the Vulcan Elders, Sarek, or even Spock said; the damn bond hurt like a bitch. Supposedly it was supposed to be the ultimate connection between partners in the Vulcan culture. However all the bond had been to Jim so far was a constant, pounding headache.

Jim could understand if the feeling had only last a few weeks, a month, maybe even 6 months, but it was going on a year now. What made everything ten times worse was Spock didn't even realize how much pain Jim was in! It was almost as if the damn Vulcan was numb to the pain that freaking bond was causing Jim!

When Jim had brought it up, Spock had told him that he was imagining things as Jim should be used to the connection the bond made between Spock and him after a year.

Jim had complained to Bones about the pain, but Bones could not find a physical issue to explain the problem. He continued to encourage Jim to talk to "your green-blooded lover-goblin" as Bones was "a doctor dammit, not a Vulcan voodoo practitioner." Still, despite his grouching, Bones worked with Jim to find non-pain medication treatments to ease the pain as Jim could not utilize any known pain relievers besides old fashion naproxen, aspirin, and ibuprofen.

As Bones suggested, Jim continued to insist there was something wrong with the bond until Spock had "consulted" with a mind healer. The bastard (not Spock, the other Vulcan bastard) didn't even allow Jim in the room, even though it was Jim's mind that they were discussing, saying it was matters to only be discussed by "Vulcans." When Spock came out of his "consultation," Jim was again told that it was his "overly indulged imagination" that was causing Jim to believe that he was in pain.

The mind healer, who did not even deem it necessary to talk to Jim (more likely did not want to "lower" himself to talking to a "mere human"). Instead the bastard just had Spock tell Jim that "you will eventually be more at ease with the bond once you allow yourself to follow the basic principles of Surak." At least Sarek (the crap ass father-in-law) as least had the decency to say it to his face, the mind healer bastard (the fake fan-fuck-tasic healer) had Jim's "bondmate" do his dirty work. The Vulcan's precious Surak could kiss Jim's perfect lily white ass, because there was no way that Jim should be in this much pain.

After the "consultation" with the mind healer, Jim stopped telling Spock about the pain. There wasn't a point in telling his "bondmate" that Jim literally felt like he had an ice pick stuck in his skull because the stupid half-Vulcan wouldn't listen to a word Jim was telling him. Perhaps Spock couldn't or even wouldn't understand what Jim was telling him. Maybe it was too much of a foreign concept to his "bondmate."

Jim did remember (between the throbbing in his head) that Spock had told him that his mother had easily adapted to being bonded to Sarek. (Goodie for her! Jim was so glad that he was just so gosh darn lucky to be the only one to experience the wonderful pain!)

Jim researched head pain, humans, and treatments and accidently found (very) disturbing pictures of 19th and 20th century lobotomies and one picture of a man with a railroad stake in his head that altered the man's personality.*

In an effort to find more recent stabbing head pain suffers, Jim invested some serious time on intergalactic Google to figure out if any other species bonded with Vulcans had the same issue. Whenever Jim thought he had a lead, the person would "go dark" as the other galactic net users called it, only to come back singing the praises of the Vulcan ideology and practices. Perhaps the story about railroad stake guy was true.

Whatever this bond thing is, once the non-Vulcan partners get involved with the Vulcan ideology, the non-Vulcan partners' personalities seem to be altered. Or perhaps the bond did something to them. Jim didn't know and wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

As time passed and the pain continued to stab Jim's brain, the Enterprise's captain began contemplating if his bonding with Spock was really worth all of this.

Yes, Jim could tolerate the pain.

Yes, he did love Spock with all of his heart.

Yes, he did want to be married to the green-blooded hobgoblin.

Jim just didn't want to be in all of this pain. However he grinned and bared it because he loved Spock. Even though the bastard believed that the pain had gone away.

The things one does for love.

Spock did not understand Jim at all. They were approaching there second year since their bonding ceremony and it seemed that Jim was "troubled" to use a human phrase. Spock had attempted multiple times to find out what was causing Jim to be so distracted and introverted when they were alone. It was almost as if Jim had stopped talking to him after they had their consultation with the mind healer. For what reason, Spock did not know.

He knew that the bond was a foreign concept to Jim, but the human male should be used to sharing his thoughts with Spock by their second bond year. However, Jim still seemed unsettled, despite the fact that nothing came across the bond other than Jim's random thoughts when Spock was not shielding. Jim had had to be taught how to shield by Spock and Sarek to prevent him from, in human terms, "leaking thoughts all over."

Jim had complained about pain from the time they were bonded until their consultation with the mind healer one point five two three years prior to the current date. Jim, per Vulcan protocol, had been excluded from the meeting at the healer's request as Jim had not agreed to follow the "Principles of Surak." It hurt Spock that his beloved Jim was unwilling to follow his culture's creed and belief system. Spock did not understand why his beloved would be so unwilling when Spock's mother followed the true path from the time of her marriage to his father until the day of her death.

The healer stated that Jim was likely to be "imagining the pain," as many species are prone to do when confronted with something different. The healer encouraged Spock to shield his thoughts and feelings from his bondmate to encourage the human male to utilize the Vulcan principles as was every bond mates' duty.

Spock had done as the healer had suggested and shielded his thoughts from Jim. Sarek had suggested Spock force Jim to meditate with him until the man willingly began to follow the principles.

Jim, however, never began utilizing the Principles. In fact, Jim would frequently go running, go swimming, or would sleep when Spock meditated. Spock believed that whatever these actions gave Jim must have stopped whatever pain Jim had been experiencing as Jim never mentioned it again and never requested to speak to the mind healer. Spock's mind had been unshielded from Jim's for more than six point two seven months and he had not felt any of the pain Jim once claimed to have. Perhaps proof that the healer was right.

The End

A/N: I've read a lot of stories where Jim easily adapts to being bond with Spock or whatever pain/uncomfortable feelings he may have experienced are eliminated by Jim becoming "used to" the bond or shielding his thoughts from the bond. However, I had to wonder what would happen if it didn't go away.

The case Jim mentions in the story of the man whose personality was altered after a railroad spike when through his head is an actual case studied by psychology and counseling students. The man's name was Phineas P. Gage and he was a railroad foreman whose left frontal lobe was almost completely destroyed by a railroad spike. Gage's behavior and personality was affected for the remain 12 years of the man's life, though he was able to function better behaviorally and socially towards the end of his life due to the establishment of a daily structure in the form of his job as a stage coach driver.