Author Notes: This one shot is a harmony of a little song inspiration with a much needed hug between Jane and Maura this season (Season 7). Set before Maura decides to go for the surgery. I wanted the background score to run in this little piece so presume the lines in italics as the song playing in background while the conversation takes place.
Also a slight change made to the lyrics to suit the scene. Due credits at the end.
"You are broken down and tired … And you can't find the fighter … And you can't find the fighter…"
Jane hadn't made a sound yet as she had entered. She had made her way through the kitchen door back to the living room where she had left Maura after dinner to help Angela out with moving around some stuff. She wouldn't have notice the change in the air had her eyes skipped to register the way Maura was sitting in silence on her couch, lost in thought. It wasn't the expressions on her face; nor that Maura was sitting in silence, it was the way she was lost in thought, marked by absence of any determined contemplation, and the presence of this stinging feeling of pain that shook Jane out of her own thoughts and focused her. She quickly realized what was happening; her best friend was losing herself in the abyss of ache and self doubt. Ever since Maura had lost consciousness and fainted in front of her, she had started to lose her memory, tiny bits; Maura was afraid and somehow she could feel that in her own chest.
She took quick uneasy steps, resolved however to do something and gently sat down beside Maura.
"Hey…" Jane whispered in a soft raspy voice as she nudged Maura's shoulder gently.
"Hey." Maura's lips turned into a simple smile on their own accord. Her eyes however were still lost.
"You okay?" Jane's brows tensed because she knew the answer to that.
Maura's pained expression spoke enough and her voice echoed the ache. "No… not really."
Jane took Maura's hand softly into hers, her calloused fingers delicately placing Maura's soft slender ones in their embrace, and looked into the beautiful hazel eyes that had their own glory even in pain. "Come on, let's have a little walk."
A simple nudge from the detective was enough for Maura tonight to comply and she stood up walking behind her, her hand still held tightly in Jane's.
They came outside the house, the lawn recently wet with the scheduled sprinkle and laden with the soft scent of wet grass. It was quiet, and yet it felt heavy. Maura sighed and Jane just kept pulling away from the house and into the street until Maura came to walk beside her.
…When the silence isn't quiet and it feels like it's getting hard to breathe…
And I know you feel like dying; but I promise we will take the world to its feet…
Their hands untangled, just as gently as they had entwined and it left Jane and Maura, both restless.
"What is on your mind Maura… talk to me…" Jane's voice pleaded as the words broke the silence.
Maura felt another sigh leave her chest and she relented. "I am afraid Jane. I am losing myself and I am afraid."
Jane felt the words press against her own chest weighing down in pain. "But you are not gonna lose yourself Maur. You said, the doctor said, it was just temporary…"
"It is not. I am losing my mind. And I am going to lose myself." Fear and surrender laced the words as they left Maura's lips.
Jane stopped the moment the words registered in her brain and she turned to face Maura. "You are not going to lose yourself. You are not. You can never lose yourself." Adamant words come out with full resolve.
… And you can't find the fighter…
But I see in you and you are gonna walk it out…
"You cannot help this time Jane. I already am. I cannot remember words. I am starting to forget. I cannot remember terms that were imprinted on my mind throughout my life like being etched on stone. My mind is giving up and I am losing the only thing I knew I could do best, do right. I am no longer confident I am the right person to even be the Medical Examiner." Maura's words reverberated with the ache that her heart and mind were reeling in and her eyes lost all calm and started to lose any restrain. Big drops of tears had started to etch on her cheeks like an untamed river. Jane was all of a sudden reminded of all the times Maura hadn't cried and she realized Maura was losing herself in a whole different way.
Jane's arms rose up on their own accord and she pulled Maura, her Maura in a quick resolute embrace. "Shhh.. It is okay. I am here. And you are okay." She hoped against all hope that her whispers could break down the walls of doubt and disbelief. "You are gonna be okay Maur. Yes you are." Her own voice was bordering the heaviness her eyes were trying to fight with the tears. Her palm kept rubbing Maura's back until she could feel the panic ebb away, and her breath coming to some normalcy.
She pulled back to look into those beautiful, saddened, teary hazel orbs, flecks of light shimmering as they focused into hers and all she wanted there and then to ease that ache. Jane's palms held her face in solemn grip as her fingers wiped the tears. "You can never lose yourself Maura. The fact that you can remember everything and anything doesn't make you who you are. You are Maura, the kind, compassionate, generous, loving friend, the most beautiful daughter, the most beautiful person I know; beautiful here…" Jane's right hand softly rested over Maura's heart,"You have a heart of true gold Maura Isles. You make everything better and it doesn't depend whether you can remember those words or not. You are just as efficient, dedicated, determined and hardworking at work and you… you have the fire to snatch back what is lost to you by working twice as harder." Her eyes had lost all control, tears flowing freely and yet the only overwhelming feeling that they emanated was love, relentless respect and awe, awe of the person breathing in front of her. "This… this is just another fall Maur, and you are gonna get up and get through this, you have me and I will never let you go, I will never let you lose yourself. You are never going to lose yourself Maur. Never. I am not going to let that happen."
Maura's eyes had softened. Her ache had somehow lessened and she knew it was because she had her best friend standing by her, standing for her. Her lips turned up softly in a smile that echoed with undeniable awe for the person standing before her. Somehow she believed; She believed that she can fight this stronger if she has her best friend by her side. Jane's soul has been her lighthouse all through the way, and one more time, her ship lost in the dark night, had found her way back to the shore.
…All we need all we need is hope
And for that we have each other…
And for that we have each other…
She wiped the last of her tears and wrapped Jane in an urgent embrace. Maura's lips trembled slightly as she whispered, "You promise?" Jane stood there, holding her Maura close, softly rubbing her back, filling her heart with undisputable, unquestionable and boundless love. Her voice left a soft echo on Maura's heart as she replied back softly, "Promise."
"…And I will rise up…I will rise like the day…
I will rise up… I will rise unafraid…
…And I will do it a thousand times again… for you… "
Song Credits: "Rise up" by Andra Day.