A/N: Hi! Due to me being very sick with medication side effects (bad enough that I've been off work for over a month), I haven't been able to write much at all lately. I've been sitting on this half finished chapter for nearly three weeks so decided to just post it and it can tide you all over. I'm back at work on half days next week so most likely I won't be able to write anything beyond drabbles for quite some time longer.

Also - if anyone notices that some of my works are missing, its because I am turning some of my stories into originals and very slowly, some things are being removed from here.

Akihito said his farewells to Mistress Lavi once he got a message to say Ryuu was waiting for him outside. He had offered to come in and collect Akihito in person but he had refused. He didn't want them to get waylaid by people stopping them to say hello. After talking things over with Mistress Lavi, Akihito was ready to have this discussion now. The sooner he got it off his chest, the better.

Hurrying outside, he found himself getting nervous. It was a big thing he was going to ask for. A big commitment, not just from him but from Ryuu as well. He still wasn't entirely certain he would agree to a permanent collar. Having never asked, he didn't know what it meant to the man. It was significant to Akihito, but was it the same for Ryuu?

They were in a relationship, there was more than kink and dungeons scenes to them. His biggest worry was that Ryuu didn't stand on many of the lifestyle formalities, but a permanent collar was rather formal at the end of the day. He didn't care to have some sort of collaring ceremony, he just wanted it for him, to allay his own insecurities and have proof of their ongoing commitment. It meant more to him than marriage, yet here he was. Maybe it was too soon, they had only been doing this for a little under a year now. But he wanted it so much.

Ryuu's limo idling at the curb was easy to spot and the door opened as he approached. Slipping inside, he immediately curled up next to his lover. He wanted, needed the reassurance of having him against him right now. An arm wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him closer up against Ryuu's side.

"Is everything okay?" his lover asked, concerned.

Akihito nodded from where he had buried his face against his chest. "I just missed you tonight," he admitted, feeling a little embarrassed. A large hand ruffled through his hair and he hummed at the gentle comfort being offered. "And I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh? What about?"

"My collar and your other subs," he replied and the hand stilled on his head. "But not here. I don't want to get interrupted part way through, so can we wait until we get back to yours?"

"Of course."

After a moment the hand resumed its stroking motions and Akihito tried to press himself even closer to his lover. He usually only felt this needy after their dungeon scenes when they played with pain. Thankfully Ryuu didn't press him for answers or question why he was being so cuddly.

They arrived back at his penthouse soon enough and the ride up the elevator was quiet, almost tense. In fact, Ryuu did look rather tense. Akihito was just about to ask if he was okay when they reached the top floor and the ding of the elevator cut him off. He could wait until they were inside and talking anyway. Maybe he had had a long day? He suddenly felt bad for demanding a pick up and wanting to have this talk now. He should have checked and made sure it was a good time first.

But he was already here and there was no going back now. Next time, he wouldn't make assumptions and check with his partner if the timing as okay first. Still, he needed to get this off his chest. They made their way into the lounge and Ryuu poured himself a drink, Akihito declining when he offered him one. His lover sat on one of his squashy arm chairs across from the couch, leaving Akihito to sit uncomfortably on the couch by himself. They were facing each other but the distance between them suddenly felt huge.

Ryuu looked at him expectantly, the tension in him even more obvious now. Akihito chewed on his lip for a moment in indecision. He didn't like this atmosphere and he was still feeling a little needy, the short cuddle in the limo hadn't been enough to calm him after being shaken so much that evening. Add in Ryuu's own obvious discomfort and he knew he couldn't have their conversation like this.

After a moment more of dithering, he stood then made his way over to his lover and crawled onto his lap. It was the exact same way he would demand to be held during their aftercare. Ryuu pulled him tight against him but said nothing, clearly waiting for Akihito to start.

"So I wanted to talk to you about my collar and your other subs," he started after a moment. He paused but got no response from Ryuu at all. Taking a deep breath, he continued on regardless. "I don't know if there is a right way to ask this, Mistress Lavi said you wouldn't mind but… I know the collar you got me is only supposed to be temporary. It's for when we go out together to places like the club so that other people in the lifestyle know what we are. But after going there with my friends tonight and not having the collar on… I felt really out of place, really uncomfortable, like I was missing part of me. I got all jittery before going in and I kept thinking about it while we were there. I know only you can put it on or take it off so that's why I want a permanent collar."

He said the last bit all in a rush and took a peek up at Ryuu but his face was carefully blank. Only silence greeted his words so he quickly carried on to explain.

"I know you have other subs and I don't mind, not really. I know what it's like to need something and I knew what I was getting when I contacted you originally. I just want the collar as proof of OUR relationship. It would mean a lot to be your exclusive sub? Person? Lover?" He floundered for words for a moment before just moving on, "and having proof of it. Not even for other people to see, but for myself. I don't want to feel like I did tonight ever again. I know this probably isn't the correct way of asking but-"

Akihito cut off with a squeak as the arms around him tightened enough to crush him to his lover's chest. When they finally loosened enough for him to look up at Ryuu in surprise he was immediately drawn into a deep, passionate kiss. He flailed for a moment, not expecting the forceful assault on his lips but he quickly relaxed into it. The other man held him in place just kissing him senseless for a long time. Their lips were puffy and slick by the time they parted and Ryuu leaned forward to press their foreheads together while they caught their breath.

Ryuu grinned then started to laugh. He pulled away as he laughed more; it was a loud, joyous sound that filled Akihito with warmth. He had never heard him laugh like that before, never so freely, so openly. His lover pulled Akihito to cuddle back against his chest even as the chuckles continued. Bewildered, he tried to look at the other's face again and was given a quick kiss as the laughter subsided.

"Ryuu?" Concern laced his tone and honestly, he was a little worried about the reaction. Was he laughing at the absurdity of Akihito's request? It seemed too happy for that but he still hadn't said anything.

"When you first said that you wanted to talk to me about the collar and my other subs, I honestly thought that you wanted me to stop with my website or that you didn't want the collar anymore," he explained, still slightly breathless with laughter. "You wouldn't be the first person to ask me to give up the website and be exclusive over the years. Honestly, I was about ready to throw it all away if that's what you wanted. You are the only person I've met that I would be willing to do that for and you are the only person who hasn't asked me that."

Akihito gaped at his lover. "That honestly never occurred to me. I mean it when I said I'm okay with you having other subs. I'M your number one," he said cheekily with a wink, "and I know that. But I still want a permanent collar. It… It would mean a lot to me. I really was feeling rather awful all night and thought that maybe you wanted it to be a temporary collar because we were just temporary. I was really working myself up into something then that awful Shuu person got all mouthy with me because I didn't have my collar on and I never want to feel like that again."

"Did you say Shuu?" Ryuu stilled, face concerned. Akihito nodded. "What did he say to you?"

"He was going on about how you cast him away and how you would do it to me too. He seemed to think that you already had because I wasn't wearing your collar. He said that no one could have you if he couldn't. It was really sudden too, I didn't know what to do so I just kinda stood there. What happened with him? Was he really one of your subs?"

"He was," Ryuu replied solemnly. "I let him go because I couldn't trust him. You know how important it is that we trust each other, right?"

"Yeah, to make sure we are both feeling good and no one's hurt too much or anything else."

"I couldn't trust him to tell me when it was too much. He was letting me go far beyond his limits because he thought that's what I wanted. I had no idea until afterwards when he was clearly in the wrong state of mind after our scenes. After the third time it happened, I knew I couldn't trust him to safe word when he needed. He was outright lying to me about what he could take even though I was being careful to try and stay within his limits. I'm not a mind reader, further proof seen tonight when I thought the worst of what you needed to talk with me about, so I let him go."

Akihito was struck by the sheer enormity of that. He thought back to when someone called for Shuu and how his expression changed as he walked up to the other man. Had he not watched it happen, and see the spiteful glare he shot him as he left, Akihito would have believed that was how he really was feeling. The words he said too…

"It didn't seem like he knew why."

"I told him. Or rather, I tried. He never seemed to understand." Ryuu shrugged. "We were going in circles, so I walked away."

"He seemed so unhappy, like he was settling for less but that's all he could have now. He was so hateful, he attacked me out of nowhere. I was already feeling a bit off so it really threw me. I started to doubt a little then. It wasn't until I talked to Mistress Lavi after the introduction night was finished that I started to realise I was being silly."

"If you are never honest about what you want, how can you expect to get it? Hopefully Shuu learns that one day. One of my lifestyle friends was interested in taking him on as a permanent, exclusive sub but he turned him down. It's a shame, with his patience, he might finally have worn Shuu down to see what he really needed and made him happy. He was after a long term life partner, not straight away of course, but maybe that commitment was scary. But we can definitely do something about how you were feeling tonight."

"Does that mean I can have a permanent collar?" Akihito sat up straight, looking up at his lover with wide eyes

"Of course," Ryuu replied with a heartfelt smile. "I would like nothing more. What I should have done instead of giving you a temporary collar was sat you down and had a discussion just like this about what we both wanted." He sighed, looking rueful. "I was worried you might not want it though, so I got one made without telling you. I was hoping seeing it might have a different effect than just telling you I wanted you to wear my collar."

"I was so happy that I never wanted to take it off," Akihito admitted as he snuggled back up against his lover's chest.

"You know how serious getting a permanent collar is, I trust?"

"Mhm. I read up a lot about it online and talked it over with Mistress Lavi. I still want it."

"You know it doesn't have to be a collar, right? It could be something easier to hide like a special necklace or a bracelet."

"I saw a lot of different options when I was looking online. Could we… pick it out together?"

"I would love nothing more," Ryuu replied as he pulled him up for another soft kiss.

He was happy, Akihito realised. Ryuu was so very happy that he wanted this. The man was positively glowing with it. All the tenseness was earlier had dissipated in a flash and it that was then that he realised just how worried he had been. Yet he said he had been willing to change his entire lifestyle for Akihito. He was filled with warmth and he couldn't help the grin that spread onto his face. They were going to get him something permanent to wear. He couldn't believe it.

Ryuu brushed a hand across his cheek after they parted. "Are you sure you are okay with me having other subs? I would throw it all away if it made you even the slightest bit insecure."

"It's okay, really. But I do want to make some changes, if that's okay?" Akihito had spoken about this at length with Mistress Lavi while he waited for Ryuu to finish work, it was probably the most embarrassing conversation he had ever had. Not that she was embarrassed at all, it had just been Akihito squirming in his seat as he answered her thoughtful questions honestly. It had helped though.

"Anything."

"I know this has to be agreed to by your subs but I would like to be in the room with you every time you have a scene with someone else." He held up a hand forestalling Ryuu's reply, he had more to say yet. "I'm pretty good with cameras and video cameras to some degree so I thought maybe I could be the camera man for your livestreams? I know that's the only time that you play with others now. So you would get great close ups of the action for your viewers and I'm in the room but more discreetly. A-And…" He flushed as he trailed off and had to take a breath before he could continue, "I would prefer if there was less p-penetrative sex. Fingers and toys are okay, but I would prefer if you didn't, you know…"

Akihito groaned and buried his face in his lover's chest, hiding his burning face. It was so embarrassing to talk about it like that.

"So what you are saying is that you have no problems with me having other subs or running my website as long as you always get to be in the room during the scenes and I don't penetrate anyone else beyond using fingers or toys."

He nodded from his place against Ryuu's chest, still waiting for his face to cool down.

"You really are something special, you know that?"

Akihito looked up at the words, his lover's voice had an odd tone to it that he had never heard before. Ryuu's expression was open and almost raw. It was like his usual façade had been stripped away and the emotions underneath left exposed. The expressions that flittered across his face were too fast for him to pin down but it was only then that he understood just how much this meant to Ryuu as well.

He grinned then leaned forward to peck a small kiss to his lips. As he went to move back he was captured once again for another long, heated kiss. It was as though Ryuu was pouring all the feelings that he couldn't find the words to express into this one action. He drowned Akihito in the sheer force of his emotions. When they parted, he couldn't help the silly grin that split his face wide.

Settling back against his lover, he pulled out his phone and opened up a search page on the internet.

"How about we take a look at the collars?"

Ryuu laughed. "It would be better to take a look on my laptop, bigger screen."

"True," Akihito agreed. "Is it really okay for me to ask for a collar though? Mistress Lavi said its fine but I wasn't sure. Am I supposed to ask for it or are you supposed to give it to me?"

"It's fine, everyone is different. There is no 'rule' when it comes to what's best for us and our relationship beyond the words safe, sane, and consensual. I was a fool not to talk to you about it first anyway. I could never be upset at you for telling me what you want and need, especially if you were feeling so insecure about it."

Akihito jumped up with a grin. "Okay, good! Where's your laptop?"

Ryuu hauled himself to his feet with a chuckle. "All right, come on. Let's take a look."