Faith's New Watcher
*****
Sitting alone, Faith lets her mind drift back to the past, to the things that happened to her since she was called and how she finally dealt with them.
While Faith was a guest of the state for two years, she was required to go to sessions with the prison shrink.
A twenty-six year old graduate on her first assignment and she had to chose me out of all the psychos that were there and make me her pet project.
Lets drive Faith up the walls with her constant barrage of what happened, why, how, when, how did it make you feel and she didn't take a no for answer. For some reason never quit or gave up on me, whatever I did she kept prodding in my past life.
She made me go over every painful moment in my life with a fine comb, analyse each occasion, confront whatever it was and get me to deal with it. The one thing I'm grateful about is that she helped me deal with Amilia's death, it took a couple of months, I still miss her, but I finally mourned.
******
It all started with the death of my watcher an my not being able to save her from being tortured in front of my eyes and killed. Being forced to witness all the things he did to her and made to feel helpless. Then when I finally broke lose, he killed her and I lost it completely took out his eye and ran and kept on running.
Amilia took care of me for years, trained me and prepared me for the day I would be called, she was more a mother for me, than my real one ever was, than a watcher. She loved and cared for me, made me feel important and appreciated for the first time in my life, I never had to worry about not having a warm clean place to sleep, all the food I could eat and cloths I could wear. I was happy for the first time I could remember.
And then I lost her the most important person in my live, my mom . watcher, got hunted clear across the country and the only thing they did was to lecture me about not telling them immediately about her death.
Did Giles or Buffy or anybody else in any way help me deal with her death, get me to talk about her and grieve her lose? No, they left me to deal with it all on my own and I couldn't do, let my guards down and show any weakness so I simply pushed it away and locked the memories feelings and grieve up.
I came on the run from Kakisto to Sunnydale, just been called and just turned fifteen and trying to put up my best tuff front towards them, had to be strong. Buffy didn't like me very much when I arrived, so I tried anything to impress her, couldn't risk to lose her she was the only one I had left without her I would be all alone. And in the end should never have gone to Sunnydale.
Did Buffy ever invite me to come with her to a movie, dinner etc. She never invited me to come to her home, when I first arrived in SD, she half- hearted invited me to dinner and the only other time was when her mother got her to invite me. In all the time she never invited me to come to her house, for breakfast or dinner, sleepover or anything else.
I was new in SD and the only people I knew where the scoobs, what did they think I was doing all day. Sitting alone and waiting most of the time, trying to get the money together for food and paying for the room. Trying to run into them and when I ran into them on there way to the Bronz or something similar.
'Oh would you like to come with us .. ' they asked me, but never inviting me before always afterwards, when they ran into me. Always accepting my 'I have something else to do' or other reasons I made up.
Never good enough to be part of their group, always telling me I was part of the group and that we where friends. But not once show me, being include in planning or other activities they did, waiting for them to do ...
I don't know what I expected from them, they made me feel the second slayer, not as good as Buffy, Buffy would never behave that way or do things like that.
And then that women Post made her appearance, Angel returned and she send me to take him out, even Xander agreed on dusting Angel. Did Buffy apologise about the fight we had or talked to me about it. No, it was a small misunderstanding. And Giles showed how much he cared about me, didn't check up on Post if she was who she said she was, he was glad to be rid of me.
And when I watcher did arrive, and this time they checked him out, the only thing he was good in was giving orders. If I was his slayer and he was my watcher way wasn't I living with him or got my own apartment in the same building he had his. He was my watcher I didn't even know where he was staying or how to get in contact with him. And he called himself my watcher, yea right. The only one who knew where he was staying was Cordy. He even send me to my death without any hesitation after I killed Finch by accident, handing me over to the council.
And when I finally thought I was finally part of the group and Buffy. For the first time since I arrived I started to believe I could and was part of the group or on my way to be. Then we where ambushed by that group of vamps and we took them on together. And out of nowhere Finch appeared and before I knew what happened I staked him. It was an accident and again she left me alone. All that blood I lost it and Xander was the unfortunate that received the fallout of it.
I only wanted to get away from those hypocrites, there was nothing holding me here. And I almost made it, I should have never left the freighter that I got onto.
Then I went to the mayor, I still don't know what I wanted to do, make them pay or show them that I was just as good as Buffy better. But when B left me again alone in my motel room, you have to patient, wait, they will come around, I will help you. I had enough of her bullshit what where they thinking I was doing since the moment I arrived in Sunnyhell.
The Mayor, you can say what you will about him, he at least cared about me. He got me out of that flea-bit invested motel room, into my own apartment provided with all the things I could wish. At last I had a warm, clean place to sleep, walls that weren't made out of paper and any demon could walk through. I could finally let my guard down for short times I was there.
So he was evil they all say and they could be right, he wanted to eat all of them when he ascended into full demon, but that's the reason he created Sunnydale to begin with. But he never lied or let me down once, not once, he always made sure on his word, when he said he would do a thing than he did it.
Made time to simply talk to me, drink a glass of milk eat a cookie. Ask me if I was alright and didn't take my answer five-by-five. He really wanted to know if I was alright and when I wasn't he left everything to spend time with me and make it right again.
Not like Buffy and the scoobs always telling me I was there friend and they would help me and never making good on their words and promises.
I could have killed them at any moment and place, I'm a slayer what do they think they could have stood up to a slayer. Hurt them was something else, yes I could make them bleed and feel the pain they caused me, but kill them no. I could never kill them, but they had no trouble to kill me, had they. But now I also have no problem to kill them if they ever would come after me.
Did any of the scoobs care about me, they kept me isolated in that rat invested motel. They only come by when they needed me to fight some new big bad and sometimes they didn't even do that and left me out of it. They treated me like they were collecting a weapon on they're way to fight the next big bad that came along, but at least they cleaned and cared for their weapons real good after they used it. Me, they dropped me back at my motel and left, or simply left me after defeating whatever threat we faced and fought.
My time with the shrink made me realise that they never where my friends or gave damn about what happened to me.
Xander was the only one who tried to get to know the real me a little but after choking him even his attempts where over, he saved my live even once. But he didn't even give a chance when I woke up from my coma.
Angel promised to be there for me and didn't keep his promise.
The one mistake I made was that I stayed after dusting Trick and going after Buffy when I woke up, should have got the hell out of Sunnydale and make a fresh start somewhere else.
The only thing I regret was killing the professor, he was the only real innocent I killed. Finch worked for the Mayor and wasn't really an innocent and I killed him accidental, I didn't intend to kill him. And the guy at the airport who brought the box for the Mayor I didn't lose any sleep over killing him. Killing Angel wasn't bad also, his soul would finally be released and go to it's rightful place it was torn from the beginning.
And now I finally did the right thing and simply left, the third time has to be the charm.
******
Sitting alone, Faith lets her mind drift back to the past, to the things that happened to her since she was called and how she finally dealt with them.
While Faith was a guest of the state for two years, she was required to go to sessions with the prison shrink.
A twenty-six year old graduate on her first assignment and she had to chose me out of all the psychos that were there and make me her pet project.
Lets drive Faith up the walls with her constant barrage of what happened, why, how, when, how did it make you feel and she didn't take a no for answer. For some reason never quit or gave up on me, whatever I did she kept prodding in my past life.
She made me go over every painful moment in my life with a fine comb, analyse each occasion, confront whatever it was and get me to deal with it. The one thing I'm grateful about is that she helped me deal with Amilia's death, it took a couple of months, I still miss her, but I finally mourned.
******
It all started with the death of my watcher an my not being able to save her from being tortured in front of my eyes and killed. Being forced to witness all the things he did to her and made to feel helpless. Then when I finally broke lose, he killed her and I lost it completely took out his eye and ran and kept on running.
Amilia took care of me for years, trained me and prepared me for the day I would be called, she was more a mother for me, than my real one ever was, than a watcher. She loved and cared for me, made me feel important and appreciated for the first time in my life, I never had to worry about not having a warm clean place to sleep, all the food I could eat and cloths I could wear. I was happy for the first time I could remember.
And then I lost her the most important person in my live, my mom . watcher, got hunted clear across the country and the only thing they did was to lecture me about not telling them immediately about her death.
Did Giles or Buffy or anybody else in any way help me deal with her death, get me to talk about her and grieve her lose? No, they left me to deal with it all on my own and I couldn't do, let my guards down and show any weakness so I simply pushed it away and locked the memories feelings and grieve up.
I came on the run from Kakisto to Sunnydale, just been called and just turned fifteen and trying to put up my best tuff front towards them, had to be strong. Buffy didn't like me very much when I arrived, so I tried anything to impress her, couldn't risk to lose her she was the only one I had left without her I would be all alone. And in the end should never have gone to Sunnydale.
Did Buffy ever invite me to come with her to a movie, dinner etc. She never invited me to come to her home, when I first arrived in SD, she half- hearted invited me to dinner and the only other time was when her mother got her to invite me. In all the time she never invited me to come to her house, for breakfast or dinner, sleepover or anything else.
I was new in SD and the only people I knew where the scoobs, what did they think I was doing all day. Sitting alone and waiting most of the time, trying to get the money together for food and paying for the room. Trying to run into them and when I ran into them on there way to the Bronz or something similar.
'Oh would you like to come with us .. ' they asked me, but never inviting me before always afterwards, when they ran into me. Always accepting my 'I have something else to do' or other reasons I made up.
Never good enough to be part of their group, always telling me I was part of the group and that we where friends. But not once show me, being include in planning or other activities they did, waiting for them to do ...
I don't know what I expected from them, they made me feel the second slayer, not as good as Buffy, Buffy would never behave that way or do things like that.
And then that women Post made her appearance, Angel returned and she send me to take him out, even Xander agreed on dusting Angel. Did Buffy apologise about the fight we had or talked to me about it. No, it was a small misunderstanding. And Giles showed how much he cared about me, didn't check up on Post if she was who she said she was, he was glad to be rid of me.
And when I watcher did arrive, and this time they checked him out, the only thing he was good in was giving orders. If I was his slayer and he was my watcher way wasn't I living with him or got my own apartment in the same building he had his. He was my watcher I didn't even know where he was staying or how to get in contact with him. And he called himself my watcher, yea right. The only one who knew where he was staying was Cordy. He even send me to my death without any hesitation after I killed Finch by accident, handing me over to the council.
And when I finally thought I was finally part of the group and Buffy. For the first time since I arrived I started to believe I could and was part of the group or on my way to be. Then we where ambushed by that group of vamps and we took them on together. And out of nowhere Finch appeared and before I knew what happened I staked him. It was an accident and again she left me alone. All that blood I lost it and Xander was the unfortunate that received the fallout of it.
I only wanted to get away from those hypocrites, there was nothing holding me here. And I almost made it, I should have never left the freighter that I got onto.
Then I went to the mayor, I still don't know what I wanted to do, make them pay or show them that I was just as good as Buffy better. But when B left me again alone in my motel room, you have to patient, wait, they will come around, I will help you. I had enough of her bullshit what where they thinking I was doing since the moment I arrived in Sunnyhell.
The Mayor, you can say what you will about him, he at least cared about me. He got me out of that flea-bit invested motel room, into my own apartment provided with all the things I could wish. At last I had a warm, clean place to sleep, walls that weren't made out of paper and any demon could walk through. I could finally let my guard down for short times I was there.
So he was evil they all say and they could be right, he wanted to eat all of them when he ascended into full demon, but that's the reason he created Sunnydale to begin with. But he never lied or let me down once, not once, he always made sure on his word, when he said he would do a thing than he did it.
Made time to simply talk to me, drink a glass of milk eat a cookie. Ask me if I was alright and didn't take my answer five-by-five. He really wanted to know if I was alright and when I wasn't he left everything to spend time with me and make it right again.
Not like Buffy and the scoobs always telling me I was there friend and they would help me and never making good on their words and promises.
I could have killed them at any moment and place, I'm a slayer what do they think they could have stood up to a slayer. Hurt them was something else, yes I could make them bleed and feel the pain they caused me, but kill them no. I could never kill them, but they had no trouble to kill me, had they. But now I also have no problem to kill them if they ever would come after me.
Did any of the scoobs care about me, they kept me isolated in that rat invested motel. They only come by when they needed me to fight some new big bad and sometimes they didn't even do that and left me out of it. They treated me like they were collecting a weapon on they're way to fight the next big bad that came along, but at least they cleaned and cared for their weapons real good after they used it. Me, they dropped me back at my motel and left, or simply left me after defeating whatever threat we faced and fought.
My time with the shrink made me realise that they never where my friends or gave damn about what happened to me.
Xander was the only one who tried to get to know the real me a little but after choking him even his attempts where over, he saved my live even once. But he didn't even give a chance when I woke up from my coma.
Angel promised to be there for me and didn't keep his promise.
The one mistake I made was that I stayed after dusting Trick and going after Buffy when I woke up, should have got the hell out of Sunnydale and make a fresh start somewhere else.
The only thing I regret was killing the professor, he was the only real innocent I killed. Finch worked for the Mayor and wasn't really an innocent and I killed him accidental, I didn't intend to kill him. And the guy at the airport who brought the box for the Mayor I didn't lose any sleep over killing him. Killing Angel wasn't bad also, his soul would finally be released and go to it's rightful place it was torn from the beginning.
And now I finally did the right thing and simply left, the third time has to be the charm.
******