Chapter 16

That night I dreamt of our last days in the program. Jacoby and I. There was no laughter left. No smiles. There were only four of us left. We started off small enough with just fifteen but going down to four was something none of us expected.

The abuse was becoming unbearable. If you weren't pummeled by your opponent then you were beat by your instructor. It was theoretically to teach you pain tolerance. Why our instructors felt the need to beat teenagers is beyond me.

Jacoby and I were sick of it. Sick of the accidental broken bones and the blood that stained everything we owned. Mark and Brandon were the only ones left with us, they were sick of it too. We made a plan to break out, the four of us.

It almost worked.

We needed tech to disable the cameras. That was Mark's job.

We needed a brain to plan an escape route. That was Brandon's job.

We needed weapons to help aide our escape. That was Jacoby's job.

We needed someone silent to get the keys. That was my job.

It was so simple, so fool proof.

"We'll distract the General Cam." They said. "It'll be easy, in and out."

I got in easy enough, grabbed the keys, slid back out. We hid the keys and continued on with our lives. The hours ticked down.

5

4

3

2

1

Go time. We gathered our supplies and made our way down the barren cement tunnels. We know the way. The forbidden staircase that is only accessed by those who have failed. Our way out. We take the stairs two at a time, never slowing. When we reach the top, the General awaits. We're outnumbered.

They disarmed us easily and collected us all, taking us to the General's office. The beating we expected, then they take it one step further.

They pulled out an old fashioned cow brand with the letters 'BNDII'. I know enough latin to know that it isn't a celebratory phrase.

Someone sticks it in the fire. I know where this is going. I refuse to beg.

They come to me first. I'm not surprised. My shorts are pulled down just on one leg.

I look to my left and see Mark staring at me, fear in his eyes. I refuse to cry. Mark steels himself and sends as much support as he can from where he lies next to me. I ignore the curses and slurs that are being yelled at me. I watch as the red hot fire poker comes at me.

Blinding pain is what wakes me up.

I can't scream, it hurts too bad. Voices sound around me. Someone shouts directions. I am lifted off the bed. I fight against the arms that hold me but soon give up. I struggle to breathe, every breath comes out raspy and uneven.

Cold water shatters over me. I feel a huge gasp of air and struggle to sit up straight. I feel my heartbeat in my hip. Arms are wrapped around me and hold me. I am in the bathtub in the shower, cold water falling drenching me and Jacoby. Bex, Macey, and Liz stand squished in the bathroom, watching me with worried looks. There are no words...I know that.

Zach gazes from the doorway, confusion and worry shine through his eyes. It makes me sick. I can't even look at him, closing my eyes and resting my head on Jacoby's shoulder.

"Maybe I shouldn't go…" Jacoby says quietly, brushing my hair aside.

"No, no. You've been away long enough." I manage to croak out. Shaking my head firmly.

"Cam...this was bad. Real bad." I pulled down the band on my shorts slightly letting the cool water soothe the aching skin. It's a phantom pain, I know that. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

"Maybe I should go…" I whisper.

"Go where?" Zach's voice cuts in. "With him?"

"Now is so not the time for jealousy Zach." Bex's accent is thick with accusation.

"Back to Gallagher. It would probably be better there. Maybe my mom's back." I ignored their outbursts.

"Cam...have you talked to Hank about any of this?" Liz asked quietly.

"Yeah maybe he can help." Macey jumped in. She squatted down and grabbed my hand, rubbing it reassuringly.

"Maybe…"I felt my lower lip begin to quiver as I fought the urge to cry. "I just really want to talk to my mom."

"Want me to go get Solomon?" Bex asked quietly.

I only nodded in response. She jumped up to run and get him but Zach stopped her with a quiet hand.

"I've got it." He gave me one last look then turned to go.

I started shivering in Jacoby's arms and I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or leftover shock from the dream. Macey quickly took notice of my shivering and took control of the situation.

"Let's get you cleaned up Cam. You too Jacoby." She put an arm around me to help me stand.

Jacoby slid out from behind me and told us he would be back as soon as he changed. Macey helped me adjust the temperature on the shower to something a little bit warmer Liz was instructed to find me something to change into while Bex went to console the other girls (and probably warn them away). I pulled off my sopping wet pajamas and passed them to Macey who set to wringing them out and hanging them to dry.

I stood under the hot water for as long as I dared before toweling off and changing into my matching pair of Gallagher Girl pajamas, grey shorts and pink slouchy shirt, as well as long thick winter socks.

Macey sat me down on the edge of my bed while she brushed my hair out and began to braid it when Solomon arrived.

He eyed me carefully and approached softly before sitting down on the chair we used to apply makeup. Zach looked on from over his shoulder in the doorway and I could see Grant peeking from out behind him.

"Cammie." He began softly and that's all it took for me to burst out into tears.

I quickly buried my face in my hands and pulled my knees in close, doing everything I could to hide away from this horrible dream, this horrible day, horrible month, horrible year. Macey wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my hair, her quiet sobs joining mine.

"Oh no, don't you start too Lizzie, or I'm going to lose it." Bex's shaky voice came from my left.

"I can't help it!" Liz's arms joined Maceys as she tumbled into us and I could feel her tears wet my arm.

Bex wasn't far behind. Her forehead hit my shins as she knelt in front of me and wrapped her arms around me best she could. No sobs could be heard from her mouth but I knew that the sharp breaths she took were the Bex Baxter equivalent to raging sobs.

My chest ached with the physical pain of holding in tears, I moved to take a breath and only a tiny squeak of air entered my lungs. I started to feel my throat close up and I could feel the beginning of another panic attack when Grant whispered from the doorway.

"Just let it out Cam."

So I did. In one of the ugliest cry sessions of my life, I let out a choked scream and let all of it just escape from my chest. I felt my friend's arms tighten around me as I proceeded to just let everything fall out of me. I felt so much fear and stress surround me as I let myself feel everything I told myself I had gotten over. Sniffles surrounded me as my friends cried with me, as we all mourned the summer we had spent in agony and as we all reminisced over the terrible things we had experienced and seen and done. I reached out to grab my friends to the best of my ability as we all let ourselves grieve together.

After about 6 minutes our cries quieted down and we all collapsed on the bed together, huddling in a huge pile before finally looking up with dry eyes at Mr. Solomon who had closed the door, leaving the boys and our friends outside.

"Sorry." I whispered smally.

"You never have to apologize for being human Miss Morgan. Not ever. Especially not to me." He replied softly. "I hear you had a nightmare and would like to call your mother."

"Let me guess. "That's not a possibility at this time Miss Morgan."" Macey teased in a gravely impression of Mr. Solomon's voice.

He chuckled slightly before pulling out his phone and tossing it towards me.

"I assume you know the number?" He teased. "How about we give Cammie some privacy girls."

My friends all hugged me softly before following Solomon out into our common area and I dialed the oh so familiar number. I held my breath while I waited for my mom to pick up the phone or for the sound of her voice mail to come up.

"Hello?" Her voice came through the speaker, sending me into another round of sobs. "Cammie? Sweetie is that you?"

"Yeah." I croaked out as I wiped at my eyes and tried to calm myself down.

"Cammie, what's wrong sweetie? Why are you crying?" Her voice patiently questioned.

"Mom...it's...so hard." My breath came in hyperventilated bursts.

"What is sweetheart?"

"Everything. The dreams, not knowing, I have so many questions mommy."

"What dreams Cam?" Her voice came softly.

"From the summer." I fought viciously to gain control of my breath.

Her breath caught sharply in her throat. I could hear her clear her throat softly.

"I should have never sent you there Cammie. I am so so so sorry, I had no idea." Her voice was sharp and pained. I could practically feel her regret.

"It's not your fault." I managed to slow my breathing, I didn't want her to feel worse than she did.

"Do you want to tell me about it? About your dreams?" Her voice turned soft as I could hear her settle and sit down. "I have plenty of time. And our connection is secure. You don't have to worry about anyone hearing anything they shouldn't."

And so I told her. I told her about the brand on my hip, Jay attacking me with the pipe, the general's abuse. The physical, emotional, and mental attacks, the threats, of all my failures and the days when I could have sworn it was the only life I had ever known. I told her about the bulldozers, every little thing that had happened with Zach, his connection with the general, about how the fear just kept growing and how I felt like I was going to drown in everything going on.

After a moment's hesitation, I decided I wanted to confront her about Grant, about everything that had happened. But if I was going to do that, then I wanted Grant to be here with me. We both needed to do this together. We both needed answers.

"Hold on one second mom, I have a question but...it's not just my question."

I went to the door and pulled it open slightly and heard a chorus of voices calling my name as everyone came to flood me. I shook my head at them slightly before making eye contact with Grant. I gestured with my head for him to come with me. Once we were both back shut up in my room I pulled him to sit on the bed with me and I turned my attention back to the phone call.

"Who's there with you Cam?" My mom asked softly, I could tell she was trying to be gentle with me.

"Hi mom." Grant's voice cracked as he greeted our mother for the first time in years.

"Grant?" Her voice broke as we heard her soft cries through the speaker. "How? How did you two find out?"

"Jonas found some old buried files that probably shouldn't exist and then when the girls came for the exchange, he ran some tests. Solomon confirmed it." Grant explained quickly.

"Mom...what happened? Why? We need to know what actually happened 7 years ago." I questioned her, just as softly as she had questioned me.

"Oh Cammie...there's so much that went into this whole situation...it wasn't an easy decision to make." Her voice broke again as she took a moment to compose herself. "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. But it was for Grant's protection. We had to, it was too dangerous otherwise. It didn't turn out as we had hoped and I swear one day I will tell you the whole story but for now just know that we love you two more than anything in this whole world, and you two will always be the best thing that ever happened to your father and I. I'm beyond grateful that you two are together again and I can't wait to see you two in person."

Neither Grant nor I were holding in tears very well, but I had one last question before I felt okay with hanging up.

"Mom, why don't we remember anything?" I had a sinking feeling I already knew the answer but I needed to know why.

"Oh Cam...We had to. You were so distraught, you were inconsolable. For weeks you had just retreated into yourself, you were...it was like you had lost part of yourself. I guess you did. You were always just a little crazier when you were with Grant. We thought...we thought if you didn't remember you would feel better. You come back to us. We were wrong, you were never really the same." Mom explained painfully.

I couldn't imagine what she had gone through. Having to send away a child for their safety and losing your other child right along with them. That couldn't have been easy. Then losing my dad right after? My mom was hands down the strongest person alive. After hearing this story, I knew that if anyone had the words I needed to hear it was my mom. She had gone to the depths of despair and back and was still standing, not even just standing but she was kicking and fighting and making her way in the world and doing an incredible job at it. She is literally Wonder Woman. Better, she was my mom.

"How did you do it mom? Get through all of it?" I asked breathlessly.

"It wasn't easy Cam. It's still hard, but you learn to take the little wins. It's the little things day by day that keep you going and show you that not everything is as bad as it seems. There's still joy and good in the world, and as long as I focused on that, it helped me take the next step forward."

"The little wins…" I said thoughtfully. "Like what?"

"Like...putting on makeup when I didn't want to get out of bed. Or finishing a project I had been putting off for a couple weeks. Sometimes the win is just getting out of bed. It can be anything Cammie, anything that was hard for you that you didn't want to do that you ended up doing anyway."

"Maybe we can try that with you Cam." Grant said softly.

"It's a good idea Cammie, it might make you feel better. You always set such an impossible list of things for yourself to accomplish, it's not healthy. Let your list go for a while sweetie, take care of yourself. It doesn't have to be forever, just for a little while. It will be good for you. Do one thing for yourself every day, and try to find one little win. Whatever it may be whenever you can." Mom added. "I'll be there soon sweetie, it will all be okay. Just a couple weeks. I promise you'll feel better once we're all there together again."

I tried hard to keep myself from crying again as I nodded. I nodded my head before I realized she couldn't see me so I vocalized my agreement.

"I miss you...both of you. I can't wait to see you. I love you both, so, so much. Be careful, I'll see you soon"

"Love you too mom" I replied, quickly looking over at Grant who gave me a shaky smile. "We'll see you soon. Bye"

I hit the end button before she could question Grant's lack of a farewell and gave a shaky breath out.

"Well I think that went rather well." I stated with a shaky grin.

He let out an even shakier laugh before we both fell into another round of tears. Why was this so emotional? Why did it feel so hard?

I leaned my head over on Grant's shoulder and took a deep breath.

"Hey Grant" I asked as Grant rested his head on top of mine.

"Yeah?" His voice sounded distracted.

"Don't get mad at me but...what do you know of the COC?" His muscles tensed beneath me. "Please Grant I need you to tell me the truth."

"Cam...I...I don't know how you heard of them, but I need you to promise me you'll never talk to anyone else about them, ever."

"Grant please, I think you know how that sounds, I need you to tell me you're not with them. That you're not a part of it." I sat up and turned to face him.

"I'm not Cam, I swear to you I'm not...but I know people who are Cam and they're not going to like you poking into their business. People around here...they get touchy with this subject."

"Grant, how do you know about them?" My words were firm, I needed to know.

"My parents, well I guess not my parents, the people who raised me. They're the ones who introduced me to the circle. My first year at Blackthorne. I...I said no. I told the Headmaster, he turned them in. I've been living here at Blackthorne year round ever since. I haven't seen them in years." He admitted, he refused to look me in the eye. "I would never, I could never join them Cam. It's not who I am."

"I believe you." I breathed out and I saw all the tension leave his shoulders. "I'll always believe you."

"Cam you don't know how much I needed to hear you say that." He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "It's so hard to fight them off. All this time, I felt guilty for turning in my family. For turning in my parents, I have felt so alone. So many times I almost turned back, almost sought them out to join their ranks. When I found out they weren't my true parents, when I knew I still had family out there. It changed everything. I just...you don't know how much you mean to me Cam. I need you on my side."

"Of course I'm on your side Grant, I am loyal to you. I'm your sister. Family comes first with the Morgan's. That means you. I'll always put you first." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. "You're never going to be alone again Grant. I don't care what anyone says, I'm never leaving you alone again."

Once again tears welled up in his eyes and he buried his face in his hands. I waited for him to compose himself and was surprised when he reached up and pulled me into him for a hug. We sat there cuddled into each other until we had calmed down, Grant in a true Grant fashion ended the whole affair by tickling me until I couldn't breathe.

We heard a soft knock on the door and called for whoever was there to answer.

"Hey guys...how did it go?" Bex's head peaked around the corner.

"It went well. I think I really just needed to talk to my mom. She gave me some good ideas and I'm gonna see if they help." I informed her, barely suppressing a huge yawn.

"I think it's time we got some sleep. Come on guys, help me get the mattresses." Bex said heading towards her bed.

"Mattresses?" Grant asked.

We soon saw what the girls had in mind, all our sisters had pulled their mattresses into the common room and had assembled a giant bed. I passed Solomon's phone back to him before quickly adding our mattresses to the pile. We piled on with all the rest of our sisters and Solomon only called out to us one last time before leaving.

"I don't want to hear any rumors about boys spending the night in the girls dorms." The door was shut and locked behind him.

"Alright girls, lets get some rest. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow." Grant called out as he settled down in between Bex and I. Zach and Jacoby claimed the couches, the lights were turned off and the room fell into silence.