Title: The Laws of Quarterbacking

Disclaimer: I do not "own" South Park or any of its characters. The lucky bastards Trey Parker and Matt Stone do, however.

Background: This story takes place 10 years after the South Park Boys graduate high school. Kyle and Stan had a tumultuous (romantic) relationship during that time period and broke it off just after prom. Note that as the boys are still in fourth grade as of Season 19, any post-fourth grade events are solely a work of my own creation, although most of the show's events are kept in place.

Summary: Stan is a star quarterback for the Denver Broncos who led the team to Superbowl victory during his first season with them. Kyle is a high-profile attorney in the largest and most prestigious firm in downtown Denver. Stan is married to Wendy, and Kyle has a partner named Luke whom he's been dating for five years.

Rating and Warning: Uhhh…T bordering on M. It's SOUTH PARK, of course! There'll be language, suggestive dialogue, sexual situations, you name it. It wouldn't be South Park without those things!

NOTE: The name of the law firm mentioned in the story is NOT an actual law firm! It's made-up. There. I saved you a minute in Google time.

Oh, and if you want to imagine what Stan and Kyle sound like as adults, just imagine Trey and Matt's regular voices. At least that's how I do it when I read any South Park fic, whether Style or non-Style, that's set in their adulthood.

Non-flame reviews appreciated.

Now, let's get on with the show!

Stan Marsh has it all. Looks, talent, fame, wealth, you name it. He's handsome, 6'1", with raven black hair that's pretty well-cut and slicked, rock hard pecs, muscular arms, washboard abs, long and strong legs, the works. He was drafted into the Denver Broncos immediately out of college and in his first season with them, led the team to victory over the Packers in one of the most stunning upsets in Superbowl history. The Broncos have ever since climbed the NFL food chain to becoming a top-tier team. In fact, Stan had led the team to their second victory just this past season. Stan owns a condominium in downtown Denver, a large house in Centennial, and a mansion in Miami Beach.

It's been a week since he left his house and is currently living in his condo. Stan was lounging on the couch and watching some senseless show. Now that the season was over, he could finally relax. Not to mention the past few days haven't exactly been his best days. All of a sudden, he received a buzz from the security guard informing him about the arrival of Kenny. He told him to let him up.

Kenny McCormick had grown up a lot since the childhood days of South Park. He kept his wavy blond hair well-cut. He went to trade school and got a job as a welder, which paid quite handsomely. Kenny now owns a modest middle-class home in South Park and hopes to find a wife to marry someday.

"Hey, Ken, what brings you to town?" Stan asks as Kenny walks in and closes the door.

"I heard about you and Wendy. Dude, when were you going to tell me?"

"Um, there's not much to tell. It's the typical marital spats. Shit happens, especially when you're busy and on the road for a good chunk of the year like I am!"

"Shit happens? Dude, that is NOT the picture Cartman painted for me. Wendy just lazes around the house all day eating junk food and watching Ellen, goes out to the fanciest of stores in Aspen and Boulder and buys meaningless bullshit for herself on YOUR credit card account, berates you, dogs you, and abuses you like you're worthless, and is even rumored to sleep around from time to time. Have I got it wrong, Stan?"

Stan knew Kenny was right and had no way to refute Kenny's statement. "No," Stan replies back. He was so ashamed of how his marriage was turning out. The supposed "plan" since childhood was for Stan to marry Wendy and establish a life for himself outside South Park. He did those two things, but the plans blew up in his face as Wendy turned out to be a worthless bitch of a wife. Stan looked down at the floor, too ashamed to look at his childhood pal.

"So, what's it gonna be, Stan? Am I going to find you homeless and out on the street in a couple years after Wendy milks you for all you're worth and bankrupts you? And what if there's that remote possibility you don't stay with the team for the long-term? I mean, you're a kickass player with two Superbowl rings to his name, don't get me wrong, but the NFL is a very mean and fickle place. Or are you going to do SOMETHING about it? I'm glad you left her, buddy, but I know you. You've broken up with Wendy and reconciled with her a million times since we were in Mr. Garrison's class all the way up until you both said 'I do.' Hell, you left the house for three weeks that one time three years ago when you found out Wendy was fucking around with Clyde and Token, yet you STILL got back with her! This time, you're NOT going back, Stan! She's a fucking bitch and a manipulative whore, not to mention a loser and a gold digger. Come on, dude. You're so stressed out with leading the Broncos to victory, plus other NFL-related things. Do you need ADDED stress in your life?!" Kenny asked, realizing he had given a rant that sounded almost like a Kyle speech. Emphasis on almost.

Stan knew his friend was right. He sat back down on the couch and pressed "Mute." Kenny got out his phone and started googling law offices in the Greater Denver Area.

"As your childhood pal, Stan, I'm going to find you the best lawyer in town. Then, you will get your ass down to that lawyer and talk to them about your problems. I would be a horrible friend if I left you to your devices and you ended up a total wreck before you even turn 30."

Stan sighed and nodded in agreement. Like it or not, he knew his marriage was over.

NEXT DAY AT 11 AM.

Kenny managed to arrange an appointment for Stan at Petersen, Hollander & Jones, the largest and most prestigious firm in downtown Denver, at 11 AM. They specialized in nearly every area of law, even the most arcane ones like aviation law and Native American law. However, they've had a reputation for fighting some high-profile family law cases, which was just up Stan's alley.

Stan walked into the large, modern glass building and made his way up to the 11th floor, finding the firm's suite. The firm was located in many areas throughout the Rocky Mountain West and this particular location luckily happened to be a block from Stan's condo. Stan took a very deep breath. "Okay, Marsh, this is it. You can do it," he says to himself, still can't believing he's actually going through with this.

Stan walks into the firm's suite and is greeted by the receptionist.

"Hi, I'm Stan Marsh, and I have an 11 AM appointment to meet with an attorney regarding my case."

"Mr. Marsh, please have a seat. I will inform the attorney that you have arrived, and the law clerk will take you to the office to meet him. Congratulations on the awesome Superbowl, by the way. Those Seahawks never had a chance!"

"Thank you," Stan says humbly. He's a very modest person and isn't one to toot his own horn. He just enjoys the game. But back to business, he noticed the receptionist said "him." Okay, so the attorney will be male. That makes things a bit easier.

Ten minutes later…

"Mr. Marsh, please follow me," a young male law clerk said politely. He looked to be in his mid-20s and very likely a bright-eyed and optimistic 2L summer associate hoping to score a post-graduation position here upon bar passage.

Stan got up and followed the law clerk to the office.

"Your lawyer will be here any second now. Oh, and congratulations on your Superbowl victory!"

"Thanks," he replied as he took a seat and pulled out his file with the necessary documents to show the attorney.

Stan was fidgeting nervously until he heard what sounded like some voice he knew he heard before somewhere.

"Yes, thanks, Chris. I got it from here!" the lawyer said, closing the door after discussing something with the law clerk.

"Okay, Mr. Marsh-STAN?!"

"Kyle…"

Both men were very surprised to see each other, and it was hard to tell which of the two was the more surprised/shocked.

Kyle cleared his throat and said "Anyway, good morning. Hope you're doing well. What brings you here?" he asked, immediately getting over his shock and going straight to professionalism. He extended his hand for a professional handshake, which Stan accepted as they shook hands. Stan wished he could give Kyle a buddy hug, but they weren't exactly in a buddy-like setting…

"Look, Kyle, I know it's been a really long time, and we haven't spoken since…well…you know. I'm probably going to come off like a jackass for saying this, especially so late, but I truly am deeply sorry for what happened." Stan had wanted to tell Kyle that for the past ten years…hell…he wanted to apologize to Kyle the minute they had their ultimate spat. However, Stan never had the courage or the time to do so.

"Stan, that's in the past. It happened TEN years ago. Let's leave the past in the past, and focus on the present. Now, let me ask you again, what brings you here?" Kyle asked, completely stoic and professional. He refused to talk about the past, knowing that re-opening this particularly toxic chapter of their lives would benefit neither man, and would most likely tarnish whatever positive bond was left between them. Stan nodded, knowing that pushing something Kyle refused to talk about always ended in a very ugly manner. It was clear both men had moved on and into much better careers.

"I need a divorce from Wendy. We've been married for the past seven years. I have a pre-nup drafted. And before you ask, there are no children and no property disputes that need to be hashed out in court. I just need a simple divorce. Sign the papers and get out of there."

"Stan, is your marriage with Wendy irretrievably broken?" the ginger Jew attorney asked, getting into lawyer mode. Kyle wasn't the least bit shocked that Stan had married Wendy. After all, Stan and Wendy were crowned prom king and queen and were dubbed South Park High's hottest couple. Kyle was the one that had to comfort him every time Wendy felt like dumping him. And whenever Stan went back to Wendy, Kyle was tossed aside as if he was this week's trash to take to the dump. She was also the main reason the tumultuous romance between Stan and Kyle had ended just before high school graduation.

Stan gave Kyle a "What the fuck are you talking about dude?" look. Even after ten years of no contact, Kyle still knew the most intimate things about his former lover and super best friend. Kyle explained "OK, in English, is your marriage so damaged that there's no hope you and Wendy will ever get back together?"

Kyle noticed Stan was hesitant to share any truths. "Look, Stan, if you need me to get another attorney to work on this case for you…"

"No!" Stan said a bit too emphatically. He then realized what he did. "I mean…no. That's okay. Yes, we're irretrievably broken as you lawyers would say." He then went on to explain the problems between him and Wendy, but left out the financial and psychological abuse. Stan wasn't sure how Kyle would take that…the fact that he has an abusive wife.

"Okay, so you guys have tried to reconcile numerous times with no hope. Got it. I'm legally bound to make sure that all attempts at reconciliation have failed and that there is no possibility of restoration of marriage in the future before I proceed any further in a divorce or separation case. That's why I asked you, Stan. Now that I have all of the requisite notes and documents, give me about two weeks to draft your divorce papers as I have a whole bunch of other trials and hearings going on at the moment. I'll ask the receptionist to schedule you in two weeks for another meeting. Sound good?"

Stan went and looked through his Google calendar. He realized he had some plans. Even though the season was over, he still liked to travel and give motivational speeches to elementary school children as a part of his philanthropic philosophy and sponsor the occasional product or company. He was booked for two weeks in Texas, traveling to schools and then shooting a commercial for Texas Roadhouse.

"Actually, I'll be going to Texas for a couple weeks for business. Hey, just because I won't be throwing passes until August doesn't mean my job is over. I still do things to do some charitable work and to promote my name brand."

Kyle nodded. "No problem. Just let the receptionist know and you guys can work out a date that'll work out for both of us!"

"Hey…Kyle?" Stan asked, fidgeting.

"Yes, Stan?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to dinner tonight." Stan was a little nervous asking Kyle due to their "history."

The phone rang and Kyle picked it up before replying to Stan's invite.

"Hey babe…yes, I know it's our five-year anniversary today…What, AGAIN?...Luke, that's the FIFTH time you've canceled plans with me in a week!...sure, whatever…yeah love you too I guess…bye." Kyle hung up.

Stan was listening to the conversation intently. When he heard the words "babe," "anniversary," "Luke," etc. he thought to himself that at least Kyle was able to put himself back together and move on. But when he heard the parts about the anniversary being canceled and what not, he felt bad for Kyle. No one deserved that, especially his former love and super best friend.

"Five years huh? Congratulations, dude," Stan said. He didn't mean to sound nosy, but then again, Kyle wasn't exactly keeping the conversation private, either.

"Supposed to be five years, yes, but he canceled on me. Happy Anniversary indeed."

Stan gave Kyle a sympathetic frown.

"So, Stan, you were saying dinner tonight?"

Stan nodded.

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay, great! Casa Bonita at 8 PM, then?" Stan asked Kyle. Kyle nodded. The two men shook hands as Stan went to meet the receptionist. Stan scheduled his appointment for two weeks after he got back from Texas.

Casa Bonita, 8 PM

Stan showed up at the restaurant which played such a prominent role in his and Kyle's childhood just a little before 8 PM. He was wearing a plain black T-shirt (which really showed off his pecs, abs, and muscular arms), tight jeans which showed off his long legs and tight ass, and his favorite Doc Martens. There was a lot of product in his hair to keep it nice and slick. He saw a Mercedes driving into the parking lot and he knew that Kyle had arrived. Kyle was wearing a button-down plaid shirt, khakis, his Star of David gold chain, and Converse shoes. The Jewfro was long gone and the hair was kept nice and short. Stan couldn't help but smile at Kyle's arrival.

Stan opened the door for Kyle, and Kyle thanked him as they walked in. "No problem," Stan said as they made their way to the lobby.

"Reservation for two under Stan." The hostess grabbed two menus and led the two men to a nice, cozy booth. Each man sat opposite each other. There was still an awkward feeling in the air, considering just 10 years ago they weren't exactly "just friends." Stan and Kyle opened their menus.

Kyle, feeling the more odd and awkward, chose to glance around the restaurant, trying to avoid eye contact with his ex as much as possible. Kyle found a familiar figure sitting just two tables away from him. It looked like Luke but with another man?! He saw one man caressing the other man's arm up and down as they romantically fed each other their food. All he could see was the "other" man, but not the mystery person whose back was facing Kyle who looked like Luke. Kyle scoffed at the thought. There was NO fucking way Luke would ever cheat on him.

"Uh, dude, if you're going to eat, you'll have to actually pick something off the menu," Stan remarked, noting that Kyle has made eye contact with everything except him and the menu.

"Are you gentlemen ready to order?" the waiter asked. Stan ordered tacos, and Kyle ordered enchiladas (no onions). Kyle ordered a margarita while Stan ordered Mexican orange pop.

"So, Kyle, what have you been up to these past ten years?" Stan asked. He knew it was the most cliché icebreaker ever, but he had to start a conversation somehow!

"I was actually thinking of becoming a surgeon, but a freshman biology class scared me out of that quickly. So, I went into law. I love analysis, writing, solving problems, and helping people who need help the most. So, I went to U of Chicago for undergrad and managed to graduate from there in three years. Then, I went to U of Virginia for law school. With my GPA and ranking being so high, I clerked for Judge Matheson on the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals for two years, and then I got the job offer here at the firm I'm working at now. What about you?"

Stan nodded and smiled. He always knew Kyle would make it big due to his overachieving and his desire to go far. Anyone who can graduate college in three years must be something special. "Well, I went to U of Colorado on a football scholarship and got a business degree. I kicked ass all four years on the team, which led me to being drafted by the Broncos. I've led the team to victory in two Superbowls so far. When I'm not throwing passes, I like to travel around to elementary schools in the country and give pep talks to children, as well as sponsoring the occasional product or company. It's really a lot of fun."

The food then arrived. Stan was enjoying his meal, but Kyle only picked at his and nibbled. He just COULDN'T stop staring at those two men! He still had a strong inkling that the mystery man was his boyfriend. Surely enough, they finally got up and hugged each other tightly and then kissed on the lips passionately. The mystery guy turned around and his eyes went straight to Kyle.

"Oh, you're fucking shitting me Luke! Seriously, dude? Seriously?!" Kyle yelled from the booth. Stan turned around to see Kyle's boyfriend. Tall, with a decent body build, brown eyes, brown hair, some chest hair poking up from his shirt, fair complexion, and what looked like long legs. Kyle stormed out of the restaurant so the patrons could eat their meals in peace.

"I'll be back," Kyle said and then followed Luke and the new raven-haired twink he was with.

"Kyle…I'm sorry," Luke said.

"Like hell you're sorry! You're only sorry you got caught! HOW LONG, Luke?"

Luke looked down at the pavement outside.

"HOW FUCKING LONG, LUKE?!"

"Six months, okay? We met at work and had this really big project. We bonded over it, grew close, and before you know it…"

"Oh, spare me the gory details, please. I wanted to know WHEN it happened, not HOW it happened! And what's even more unbelievable is that you did it on our anniversary of all days! We're DONE, Lucas Harkins. Don't call me, don't text me, don't Facebook me, and DON'T come by my house!"

"Um, don't you mean OUR hou-" Luke was cut off by a furious Kyle.

"NO, MY HOUSE. I was the one that worked my fucking ass off to be able to afford it. You just happened to be afforded the privilege of moving in with me. But now that we're not together anymore, I have the right to keep you off my property. So don't come by. I'll pack your shit and Eduardo can take it to you."

Kyle stomped back into the restaurant as Luke walked toward his car with a couple tears strolling down his cheek. Kyle knew this was NOT the time to cry. With that, he regained his stoic composure and sat back down with Stan. Both were quiet. Stan knew this was NOT the time to be asking questions. The two former buddies ate their meals in silence. Kyle paid for them both on his credit card and apologized profusely to Stan for how the dinner ended.

"Kyle, you shouldn't be home alone at a time like this. You need a friend. I'm coming over!"

Before Kyle could argue or refuse, Stan had gotten into his Porsche and sat in his car, positioning himself to follow the Benz. Kyle got into his car, turned on some classic rock station, and heard Aerosmith's "Dream On" just beginning. He cranked up the volume. Kyle left the parking lot with Stan following closely behind. Kyle could REALLY relate to the mood of the song right now. After about a 30 minute drive, he was finally home. He lived in Greenwood Village, where all the wealthy people live. He pressed the button and the gates opened so he could access his home and Stan as well. He parked his car with the Porsche parking right behind him. Kyle grabbed the keys to his house. It had 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, 2 living rooms, 2 dining rooms, an indoor pool, a gym, yeah, if Kyle cared about showing it off, it'd be on HGTV. Kyle opened the door and was greeted by Eduardo, his butler.

"Hey, Eduardo, we have a guest today. This is Stan!"

"Hola Señor Stan! Why don't you guys come in and have a drink? I'll fix you guys up something special."

"Thanks. Nice to meet you," Stan said, shaking Eduardo's hand.

"By the way, Kyle, Luke called about 3 hours ago and said he couldn't make dinner tonight." Eduardo was completely unaware of what transpired 45 minutes ago.

"Eduardo, Luke has been cheating on me for the past six months. I found him making out with another man tonight." Eduardo was shocked, but not totally surprised.

"You see, I told you he's no good for you!" Eduardo was like Kyle's best friend and father figure ever since Gerald died about three months after Kyle found out he passed the bar. Sheila was never the same after he died. Eduardo was Latino and lived with and worked for Kyle. As previously mentioned, Kyle treated him like a father and nothing like a servant. Eduardo was working to be able to sponsor his wife and his son, but that would still take quite a while to happen.

They took a seat on the big leather couch.

"What a day to meet, huh? You come in asking for a divorce from Wendy and I find my partner cheating on me." Kyle scoffed and shook his head at today's double whammy.

Eduardo came in with his special chocolate shake with whipped cream and cherry on top. He then left the two men alone. Eduardo knew all about Stan, but was unaware that he was still present in Kyle's life.

Kyle found an electronica track on his cell phone and set it to full blast. He asked Stan to dance, just for fun. Kyle figured losing yourself in the music was the best medicine when faced with a heavy personal crisis. Stan placed his shake on the table and danced with Kyle like old times. Stan glanced to see his cell phone ringing. It was Wendy. He excused himself to go talk outside.

"Wendy WHY are you calling me?!"

"Stan, baby, please don't leave me. I'm at your condo and you're not here. Where are you? Can we please talk? I'm so sorry for being a sucky wife!" she says, putting on her theatrical crying tactics. She also sounded like she had too many of those Long Island Ice Teas she loves so much…

"No, Wendy, it's over. NO MORE! And in case you can't speak English, NO MAS! PAS PLUS!"

"C'mon, Stan, just hear me out once. If you're sure of your decision, I'll back off."

Stan was very hesitant at first, but eventually gave in. He gave Wendy the address to Kyle's house. Stan figured he owed her at least a conversation. Kyle was watching outside the window when a BMW pulled up outside the house and it was Wendy! He didn't want to interrogate her. Wendy stumbled out a little tipsy but regained her balance.

Stan marched out. "What the FUCK Wendy, you're DRUNK! How in the FUCK are you DRIVING?!"

"I'm so sorry, Stanny! I can't live without you. Please forgive me and come back to me!" Wendy desperately cried, holding onto Stan's leg, practically humping it like a dog.

"Let me go, Wendy."

"Not until you come with me!" she says, refusing to let go.

Wendy looked around and asked "Whose house is this?!"

"It's Kyle's."

"WHAT?! YOU FUCKING SLEAZE! YOU WERE GOING TO GO BACK TO YOUR FAGGOT EX!" Wendy said, slapping him three times, then punching him once, then grabbing him by the collar and shaking him, starting to strangle him. Stan was gasping for air.

Stan finally regained his composure and pushed her off. Kyle then stormed out with his trusty Smith and Wesson and aimed it at her, warning her to never come near his property again. He grabbed her by the arm and yanked her as if she was just a doll and pushed her out as he closed the gates. Wendy looked down and saw the massive black and blue bruise on her arm as she walked to the car.

"This isn't over, Stan, you sleazeball fag lover! And that goes double for your sodomite pal!" She got into her car and drove off.

Kyle helped Stan into the kitchen. He got his first aid kit and applied aid to the bruise on Stan's cheek as a result of the punch.

"HOW LONG STAN?!" Kyle hollered at him, angry and disappointed that he'd refuse to tell Kyle this detail about their marriage.

Stan sighed. "She started getting physical with me about six weeks ago, but she's been a verbal bitch since well…Mr. Garrison's class, as I'm sure you're quite aware of."

"Don't worry, dude. I have a cop friend. I'll help draft a restraining order."

Kyle then left Stan and went to his indoor gym. He got out his boxing gloves and started hitting the bag as if he was beating up his worst enemy. He was pissed about a lot of things: Luke cheating on him, Stan not being honest with him, Wendy's mistreatment of Stan, just everything. He was breaking a sweat when he felt his phone vibrating. It was Luke. Kyle ignored the calls as he kept going. Stan watched Kyle intently as he kept punching until he was overdoing himself and a couple tears started to roll down Kyle's face. Stan walked in and grabbed Kyle from the back, spinning him until they were looking into each other's eyes.

"Sta-"

"Shhh," Stan says, as he leans in and kisses Kyle passionately.

To be continued…

Please review!