SPOILERS FOR BEYOND. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

It was a good party, even Kirk had to admit that. Even though they weren't clubbing and he wasn't hitting on every girl in the near vicinity, he had enjoyed himself immensely, relaxing at the thought that his best friends were still there. He had been afraid, petrified even, that Leonard McCoy had died. That he had lost his best friend. He knew that the whole crew could have died, yet one detail stuck in his mind, echoing in the chambers of his brain.

Leonard McCoy could have died.
He could have lost his doctor.
He could have lost his best friend.
His brother.

James T Kirk drew in a shuddering breath, struggling to keep his emotions in check. He had managed to keep them in up until now, he could manage a few more hours. At least until everybody had gone home. The smile plastered on his face looked real enough to his crew members, could deceit everyone as they toasted and wished him a happy birthday, but it felt so fake that Jim was cringing on the inside. Jaylah was happy, over the moon even, and Jim was glad that he had managed to make her happy, rid her of the planet she hated so much. He wanted desperately to celebrate with her, yet his exhaustion was making itself known.

Physically, the regenerators had worked wonders on him. His ribs, broken from so many hits and punches, were now completely healed, leaving only a slight twinge whenever he breathed too deeply or hit his side once again. All his cuts had been healed as well, but McCoy could only do so much, and bruises still coloured his body in a various of colours. Considering this, a dull ache made itself know every time he moved wrong, and Kirk wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep it off as long as he could. He had managed to convince McCoy that he was fine, completely healed, and even though the doctor had been sceptical, he had let the captain go and do as he pleased. Kirk was thankful, for he didn't know how much time he could spend surrounded by the people in the infirmary. It was all getting a bit too much, and Bones must have noticed that as well, to discharge him so easily from under his tender care.

Emotionally, it was a whole other story. Kirk was completely and utterly drained. It was dragging him down, he could feel it, the heavy burden that he had yet to deal with, that he had yet to shove into some corner of his being. He knew that it was not ideal to keep everything inside him, but then again, was it more ideal to push his burdens on top of someone else? He knew that the whole crew had been traumatized by the experience, that they needed time to recover, so of course he wouldn't impose himself, his own troubles and guilt. They had lost people, friends, good friends, maybe even girlfriends or boyfriends, and it had been all his fault. He just had to drag his crew down his road, because he believed they could do anything. How wrong he had been. Now he was the one to receive the brunt of the hurt families, the grieving families, who of course blamed the captain for the loss of their children. Already he had received angry glares in the streets, and one had even gone as far as to openly slap him before starting to hit his chest, shouting all the time. It would have escalated a lot more had guards not dragged her away kicking and screaming.

There was a piece of him that wished he had died on that bike, that wished he had gotten rid of this stress and guilt and weight on his shoulders. Yet the much larger, other piece of himself was glad he had lived to tell the tale. Was glad he could still be there for his friends. His blue eyes flickered over his group, all laughing, all relaxed as they finally caught a break from their stressful jobs. His chest constricted when he saw Spock and Nyota off to the side, talking intimately between them. Then he saw McCoy, the beloved doctor talking with Sulu and Chekov and actually laughing. A small, real, smile pulled at his features, and Kirk allowed his eyes to crinkle as he set his glass down and searched for a quiet corner to collect himself, feeling oddly claustrophobic all of a sudden.

Bones couldn't help but laugh as Sulu recounted stories from the academy days. They had all been so much younger, more naive, full of hopes and dreams about space. McCoy could still remember taking care of Kirk after he had gotten into yet another bar fight and came back to their room with blood dripping down his face, a hazy look in his eyes and a loopy grin that showed he was barely coherent. McCoy would take all of those days back in exchange of having to save Kirk from death's door on every damned mission they went on. At least now they could relax, celebrate their victory in excuse of their captain's birthday.

Speaking of the captain.. Bones couldn't see him anywhere. The good doctor frowned. His friend would usually be in the middle of a party, especially if it was meant for him. Everybody knew how he loved to celebrate after a mission gone right and even get wasted a few times. However, this time he was nowhere to be found, and McCoy excused himself before wandering off, trusting his gut to lead him where the blond captain was taking refuge. Soon enough, his feet led him to a glass door, which lead to a small garden area. McCoy was surprised. The trees grew high, and flowers coloured up the path. Now curious, Bones walked slowly, taking in the sweet smell of nature as he came up to a small plaza in the middle of the garden. A dolphin shaped fountain was in the middle, water spurting from its mouth, and all around it was a bench, one piece of wood going around...

And sitting on that bench, his back towards the doctor, was James Tiberius Kirk, leather jacket discarded and thin shirt sticking to his back. Even from his position, Leonard could see the tension that still remained in the young man's shoulders, his upper body's muscles all almost permanently bunched up. The doctor couldn't help but wince in sympathy. As he got closer, he could see that Jim's back was moving up and down way too fast, and that the kid seemed to be completely out of it, head kept down by hands that pulled at the short strands of hair. He didn't have to press his finger under the kid's throat to know that Jim's heart was pounding in his chest. He was hyperventilating. Bones cursed under his breath, unsure how to approach the situation.

On one hand, he could walk up to Jim and make his presence known suddenly, risking startling Kirk and making the hyperventilating worse.

On the other hand, he could announce his presence, but he doubted the young captain would hear him.

Bones sighed yet again, deciding on just how to play this.

"Jim? You doing okay buddy?" He knew Jim wasn't doing okay, not by a long stretch, but he had to announce his presence somehow. He was not surprised when Jim didn't react. "I'm shooting in the dark here Jim, but I hope you know you're hyperventilating, and in case your many trips to the sick bay didn't teach you this, it is bad." Bones kept up his none-sense tirade as he neared his friend, worry blossoming in his chest when he saw the shakes that had taken over his friend. The captain's expression broke his heart. The usually vibrant blue eyes were tightly shut, lines of pain clearly visible, and his cheeks were somewhat sunken in, making the clenched jaw even more apparent. His brow was furrowed, a clear sign of discomfort and despair, and Bones was almost overwhelmed when he noticed that Jim was choking on his own breath, almost as if he was holding back tears.

McCoy gently sat down next to his friend, resting a hand between the kid's shoulder blades. Kirk physically jumped at his touch, blue eyes suddenly opening. McCoy almost frowned at the confusion that swum in his gaze before they locked on the doctor, relief showing for a brief moment before pain once again took over, and Kirk resumed his original position. Bones frowned at his friend's breathing, sighing as he realised he'd have to blend his professional side along with his friend side.

"Okay Jim, work with me here okay? You have to breathe a little slower, or you're going to pass out, and I'm pretty sure you want that as much as I do, which is none at all." During this ramble, McCoy was gently loosening the kid's hold on his hair, pulling down his hands as he gently pushed Jim's head between his knees. "You should be able to breathe a bit easier like that, just focus on my voice, okay?" McCoy noticed that Kirk's breathing wasn't easing in anyway, so he kneeled in front of his best friend, pulling one shockingly limp hand towards his own chest and positioning it upon his heart. He was sure to keep his own heart rate even before speaking. "Do you feel that Jim? Feel my chest going up and down? I want you to match your breathing to mine, okay? Come on kid, listen to me for once. Unless you want me to hypo you into oblivion, I want you to try and calm your breathing, match it to mine." McCoy kept up his rambling, one hand holding Kirk's hand to his chest while the other combed through the blond hair, attempting to sooth the captain as best as he could from the position he was in.

After a few minutes, Jim's breathing had evened out a bit. At least now the captain wasn't gasping for just a bit of an air, but was actually able to take in almost full breaths. McCoy sighed in relief as the pain lines around Kirk's eyes eased, relief washing over his features as he calmed down. Careful to be as subtle as possible, McCoy pressed his fingers to the inside of Kirk's wrist, mentally thanking the heavens when he felt the calm, steady heartbeat just beneath the skin. His eyes were still closed, jaw still clenched, but Bones knew that the kid was still physically sore all over, so didn't comment on the sign of vulnerability.

"It hurts Bones." His voice was low, barely audible, and Bones winced at the roughness. He didn't need to ask what hurt. He knew that it wasn't just a physical hurt. Emotional wounds were still bleeding freely, unable to be stitched close by the good doctor unless his friend decided to let him in. McCoy sighed softly, shifting so that he was sitting next to his best friend, and pulled Jim against his chest, resting his chin on the mop of hair as Jim uncharacteristically cuddled with the good doctor.

"I know it does kid, but we'll get through it, like we always do." Bones was lost for words. He wrapped an arm around the blond, his thumb gently rubbing circles in Kirk's bicep, hoping that the small gesture brought at least a bit of comfort. Words were never his forte, he preferred to act, show how he felt, rather than express it verbally. It was why he chose to be a doctor. His job didn't involve much talking, only action to lengthen a life. Except this time... This time even those actions had not worked. Yes, he had saved Spock, but they had lost countless lives. He knew that logically speaking, he could not have done anything about it, but the guilt still plagued him, shame that he had failed at his own profession. It was a hard way to learn that books didn't teach you everything. They didn't teach you how to cope with seeing your friends die in front of you, their life literally sucked out of them right before your eyes. How to cope with the nightmares and realization that you could not have done anything. Couldn't have done anything to save them.

"Get through it? Bones I'm the captain, I should have been there for them. I should have noticed before that she was betraying us, that she planned to annihilate more than half of my crew right before our eyes! They shouldn't have had to suffer under Krall just because he didn't manage to get me and the artefact before them. I'm sick of them being used as leverage against me, it's just not fair! Why can't they just catch me and be over with it? Why does the crew always have to suffer? I know I'm rash, but I never imagined things would turn out like this Bones.. Sometimes I wish you just let me be sucked into space, maybe then people wouldn't look at me like the scum of earth. Maybe then I wouldn't have to decide whether or not I should just retire from my career as captain. I mean honestly, it's quite obvious I'm not cut out for the job. I let more than half of my crew die! I should just go work in some corner somewhere.. Apparently Frank was right, I am a good-for-nothing selfish bastard. No wonder I got that reputation in the academy.. all of them were true, I was just too full of myself to notice."

By now, Kirk was too choked up to continue, and Bones was too stunned to say anything. He could feel Kirk's tears that had started falling somewhere in the middle of the rant soaking into his shirt, undoubtedly leaving behind a patch of wetness that he couldn't care less for. The child in his arms was more important. Kirk was shaking like a leaf in the wind, working himself up into hyperventilation again. This time however, Bones couldn't find it in himself to stop the panic. Jim had to let it out someday, and he might as well do it today, while McCoy was there for him. Not that there would be a time where he wouldn't be there for the blond idiot. The tears seemed to be never ending, and Bones let him be, gently shushing as his hands automatically rubbed Kirk's back, sometimes pausing to just card a hand through the dirty blond strands before restarting his rubbing. For now, no words were needed. Bones would speak later, when Kirk would hear him, not now, when he was so deep in his own head that the doctor was seriously questioning whether Kirk knew if he was saying everything out loud. Eventually the sobs quieted down, the tears ceasing to fall and his breaths quieting, leaving only the miniscule shakes behind everything that had happened. Bones sighed, his heart squeezing painfully at the hurt captain that lay on his chest.

Usually Kirk was so closed, always insisting he was fine, nothing was wrong, he'd be okay, that seeing him breakdown completely always managed to shake the good doctor. Seeing him so vulnerable, laying his heart out to his best friend was always shocking, surprising in both a bad and good way. It showed just how deeply Jim was hurting, just what thoughts tormented his brain when under this much pressure, just how low he thought of himself when inevitable mishaps such as the events of their latest adventures happened, but it also showed how much Kirk trusted Bones. It showed how comfortable Jim felt that he was willing to lay himself completely bare, stripped of all defences right before him, awaiting either judgement or comfort. Awaiting either further destruction, or help to rebuild the broken walls right in front of the painful memories. Slowly, Bones started to feel tension bunch up the muscles underneath his hands, and he knew that it was time to speak up, to help rebuild the current mess that was his best friend, his surrogate brother. He needed to speak while Kirk was still using his chest as a pillow, his shirt as a tissue, and definitely unable to see that multiple emotions that flitted over Bones' face, unable to be held back as the doctor allowed himself to breakdown right along with Kirk, getting everything out of his system while he could, so that then he could completely devote himself to helping Jim.

"I know that I must have said this a million times, either straight up or through insults, but then again, I need to repeat myself a few times for your thick head to finally register my words, don't I? You are one of the best captains that Starfleet has ever seen, and not because you live under the shadow of your father, but because you are bright and intelligent in your own way, able to figure out solutions to a problem that people have just noticed. You couldn't have known that she would betray us, nobody ever suspected her, not even the higher ups, so you don't get to blame yourself for noticing a bit later. What matters is you noticed, and you managed to get Chekov out before you were both killed. You helped protect the crew Jim, you weren't in any way responsible for their deaths. They were gruesome, but also unavoidable, and everybody knows that the risk is high after joining one of Starfleet's biggest ships. Being used as leverage is never fair, but you must keep in mind Jim; Just like you are willing to give your life for the crew, the crew is willing to sacrifice itself for you. You must have noticed that after almost 3 years of living with them. You are in no way selfish, a selfish man wouldn't let himself be killed by radiation to save the lives of many. A selfish man wouldn't risk being sucked into space to save a whole town of species, and a selfish man would surely only think of his own safety, not the safety of others before his, like you have a nasty habit of doing. A good-for-nothing bastard, as you so adequately put it, wouldn't be able to captain one of the biggest ship in the Enterprise, and wouldn't be able to get his crew out of that planet, not after everything that happened. People are still grieving, they are not angry at you, but rather angry at Starfleet for taking away who they love the most. You helped save important and loved family members, people will never forget that Kirk, even if it might not seem like it now, they all respect you greatly for what you managed to do, and that won't be forgotten. You're not full of yourself, I would surely tell you if you were, you are respected and admired, and I am proud to be best friends with the man you have become Jim, never let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm proud of you, okay Jim? I wouldn't even dream of going through this without you by my side. Who would I practise on otherwise?"

McCoy allowed a small smile to grace his features when Kirk huffed out a laugh at the end, but his lips shook with the effort of containing a sob, until he just couldn't. The tears chased each other, dripping off his cheek and onto Jim's head, making the blond suddenly flinch before hugging the doctor tighter, providing his own comfort. They were both messed up emotionally, but together they could get over it, just like they got over Kirk's death, just like they got over so many events in their life. They were two halves of the same coin, and neither of them would have it any other way.

Hi guys.. Summer is coming to a close so Im trying to get up as many one shots as I can, but I am rather busy, sorry ;-;

Anyway, I saw Beyond and couldn't help but write this, because the ending seemed a bit meh for me, even though it was all happy and kawaii.

I hope you liked this, even though it ends abruptly. I was aiming for that actually, hit your feels then gently go away XD Leave what you think below in the reviews, aye? Hopefully I'll upload something else soon!

Sidenote - Count this as a tribute to Anton, his death broke my heart ;-;

Thank you c=

Disclaimer - I do not own Star Trek or its characters, I am only writing this for fun and am not getting any profit from it.

-Chrisii