So... here after more than a year ahaa oopS

THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE SUPPORT AND WAITING

Tbh shh don't tell my other book I like this one better

Just because The pain I've hidden for so long has (currently) 27.4ks doesn't make it better than my 4k bk

Lol

im too lazy to fix the paragraph thing this site breaks so rip work out the paragraphs yourself

this site sucks go to wattpad

Casey and April came over again today. I heard Mikey excitedly show Casey his new high score on the pinball machine. Casey scoffed.

"I could beat that in ten minutes!" He laughed. I rolled my eyes. They were fighting over games!? I walked out of the main room towards my own room, Leo was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, his expression was calm and unreadable.

"You good?" I frowned narrowing my eyes. Leo ran his eyes up I felt a shiver follow. That silence maybe it was only a minute but every time they talked me to me it was always quick to talk to me

"I found some blades hanging around." Leo said mumbled, leaning under my sheets to see a ninja knife covered in dried blood. Anxiety rushed through my blood. I stiffened my expression. He knew, oh freaking hell he knew. A collection of colourful words slipped through my mind. Guilt erupted... Which was followed by a quick loud anger. I bolted at my older brother, shaking slightly. How could I be so weak to get caught? I felt sick, my hands grabbed him.

"That's none of your business!" I yelled. Only focusing on the anger in me, trying to push the guilt, anxiety and regret. The wall keep the wall. I grabbed at his wrists. Leo mumbled and put a hand on my shoulder gently squeezing it, pain twinkled down my shoulder and arm. I whimpered pulling my arm away.

"Donatello stop it." Leo said whispered, I wanted to yell I wanted to scream. Leo's hands were shaking he pulled the blades away from me. I snarled and lunched at him, I should grab them and run, run far away. Leo gently put a soft hand on my chest. "Donnie..." He said to me gently. I mumbled under my breath. "Donatello breath." He said to me. I wanted to pull away but was too weak. Too tired.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." I sobbed. He wasn't mad, he was sad. I wanted to fight this feeling I wanted to be mad, mad at myself at my family. At Casey and April, at shredder. At myself. At the depression growing like cancer inside me. On the emotions that killed me, how they twisted inside ripping into my mind telling me things I hated and never wanted to do the cutting, the suicidal feeling that wouldn't stop that followed me through the day and the darkness. How it was swallowed me whole in an enveloped welcome.

I collapsed into him. I wasn't ready to fight these feelings, but they took over me. When had Leo ever tried to help to save me? My head challenged. I built a sob. Right now, right now he was here. Leo held me softly his rough hands wrapped themselves around me. Fight. Anger. Betrayal. Anger. Left behind. Anger. Anger coursed through me, Leo slipped his hands softly around my own. "Donnie its okay to give him...its okay to fall," He said. I frowned. "Because...we're right here...right here to catch you this battle shouldn't be, it isn't about fighting your family. Its not about... About how April gets Casey... It isn't about fighting yourself either. This about us. About this family we have to fight Shredder. Not you... Not alone. You understand?" Leo whispered. But it was about me wasn't it? Fight. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness. I whimpered. My head was too loud what did it want? It was mad, but it was also tired and ready to give in... It wanted to give in... I wanted to give in and I was ready. I was falling, I was falling further than I already knew.

I closed my eyes resting my head into my brothers chest sobbing.

Leo picked me up careful of where to hold me, careful of the tune he softly carried to calm me. Careful of the slow steps. I didn't know where I was but I felt safe and warm. I heard nothing but the focus on my brother his slow careful breathing leaning into his touch I whimpered. I felt him take my wrists carefully and clean and bandage them. I fell asleep soon after. Not sure where I was, not sure what was happening but for the first time in months I didn't care.

I think I woke up a day later, I was wrapped in blankets with the heater blowing next to me. My keen ears heard several movements, not just from Leo. I went to jerk up. Anger. Why were they here? Was my first thought and emotion.

"Woah woah Donnie," I heard Leo whisper. "Its okay... Just me Raph and Mikey." He said. I made a disgruntled noise from my throat but nodded. Memories from yesterday rushed back. I opened my eyes and studied my brothers expressions.

"Good morning." Raph said.

I sat up.

I looked at everyone tilted my head looking at Leo.

"Did that happen?" I asked him. Leo gave a slow nod. I frowned and looked at my wrists. In the speed of the movement I was surprised how much I chose to break last night.

"I told the others," He said quietly. "You were okay with that right?" He asked me. I paused and looked at the wall behind him, I don't think I was okay with telling him last night.

"You caught me." I blurted to him finding a voice, I think I was okay with him telling him. I think.

"You mean when I carried you?" He frowned confused. I shook my head.

"You said you would catch me and you did..." I explained. Leo's expression went from a gentle. Oh, of explanation. To a small of pride and simple life.

"Of course," He said to me. "I'm your brother I love you I'll always catch you." He looked at the other two they all nodded and smiled at me.

"No matter how far you fall Donnie we'll catch you." Raph piped. I gave a smile to them.

"Thanks." I said I stood up. "I really...thanks." I finally chose to say. Everyone jumped seeing me up.

"You should rest." Leo grabbed my arm, and pressing it down slightly. I shook my head.

"I'm going out for a breather," I explained. "You guys made me feel alot better thank you." I gave a wide smile at them.

It was amazing seeing their faces light up thinking they fixed me, thinking things were finally looking up.

Pity.

Pity.

Pity I had to lie to them.

Hate. Anger. Sadness. Such things would never leave me. I couldn't forget how they never came for me. I couldn't forget the torture and the pain they inflicted.

You don't cry in someone's arms and think that would make everything feel better. You think you can tell someone its okay I'm here. You are a fool to think telling some words as such would heal a soul. Lies like those are child's play, hopeful dreams like similar to a house wife leaning into the window of her house wishing she would win a million dollars. I walked down through the sewers my wings dragging down on the ground. I was furious with my brothers. They actually believed I was better now? After all they put me through. Hate. Anger. Sadness. Such emotions scratched the surface on how I felt. I was done trying. What little memory of yesterdays sob fest ran a tape through my mind. To be honest I wasn't sure where I was headed I just had to get away from the lies. I was done with crying. How would Leo feel? You saw the last on my tears, the last sadness. Because I was right I was done with the depression cancer. It ate me, I was done now. The surgery failed. Donatello's life support was pulled off. He was dead now. I couldn't he happier with leaving him behind. Now. Now. I was nobody. The Hamato brothers were waiting for their brother to return home. He never would.

See the way the turtle falls isn't crashing it was rising above everyone else. It was letting go it was taking the pain and letting it form you. I was the turtle that fell the turtle that rose stronger than everyone else.

I continued to march cursing my brothers and previous family name. Yesterday I would of collapsed too tired to move on. But I was different now.

"Donnie?" A voice asked. I froze. It sounded like Mikey. My mouth twisted. What was he doing here? Did he follow me? "Donnie where are you going?" That voice again. I twisted around.

A man hole cover covered light around illuminating his perfect soul. He was shaking and crying.

"Donnie?" He begged. Mikey. Mikey how could I forget such beauty and love he all was. "Donnie what's wrong? Leo said you were getting better?" He was so confused. I felt sick twisted and horrible.

"I..."

I didn't deserve to explain to him. I had no right. "I..."

Mikey ran up to me shaking his head his short frame shaking and grabbing me.

"Was it a lie?" He asked defeated. I caught my voice in my throat.

"I wanted them off...I didn't mean to hurt you..."

"Off?! Why them?! They're trying to help you?!" Mikey tried to wrap his head around but that lacked the hurt to understand my own peace of mind.

"They were hurting me." I explained.

Mikey looked up in horrified fear.

"The only one hurting you Donatello is yourself...,"

Those words hit hard but I chose to ignore and keep listening to what the angel had to say.

"They they...," He continued. "They did exactly what I was doing reaching and trying to help you when you needed it. Have you ever lied to me like that?" He asked quickly. That's when I pulled my gaze from him.

"Yes..."I admitted quickly.

Mikey stepped back wards looking up at me in horror. His lip quivered and he ran at me knocking an elbow into my kidney. I grunted and stumbled backwards.

"Ohmph." I grunted barely catching myself. Now Mikey started sobbing.

"Why?!" He cried. I walked back up to him. Mikey started punching my chest sobbing and crying. "Why why?!" He stomped his feet. I just stood there. Letting him.

The way the turtle falls isn't rising.

You cannot fall by rising.

The way the turtle falls is he breaks down he let's pride take him. He becomes blind to the world he pushes the world and the help believing there is none.

But can you not see.

Please young child reading my story.

Please look at the world around you.

They are sobbing for you to let them in.

Young reader you are not alone.

Young reader we all hurt to.

Don't fall the way the turtle falls.

So its literally 11:18pm rn I'm so tired ive been typing this all day for you guys I hope you enjoy this long chapter almost 2000 words

It doesn't make up for the year wait

But thank you to all the readers still there from back then.

I feel sick.

And I need to recharge my phone

I'll publish when I get to the school WiFi tomorrow...

Goodnight

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-Ninja out