Talk Like A Pirate Day Challenge:

1. Must be a non-canon pairing: Sheldon/Penny, Leonard/Amy, Howard/Raj, Amy/Raj, Bernadette/Penny, Sheldon/Leonard, etc. (Please remember to list the pairing in your description)

2. Must have them dealing with Pirates, talking about Pirates, or being Pirates

3. Must be posted by/on September 19th, 2016 for International Talk Like A Pirate Day

4. There is no restriction on length, rating or type (Angst, Friendship, Romance, Smut, etc.)

Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory doesn't belong to me... yeesh, at this point, I don't know if I'd even want it. So here I go again, messing with canon...

Penny peered carefully out into the hallway before quietly easing her door open. She didn't want anyone to see her in this ridiculous get-up, especially not her two neighbors. Leonard, she was avoiding just on general principal since she dumped him. The fact that he had started a fling with Raj's gorgeous sister soon after just made it more awkward. And Sheldon… well, he was a whole different can of worms. She was sure he would lecture her on the historical inaccuracies of her costume, or spout a bunch of "fun facts" about pirates that were actually the complete opposite of fun. Because that was what she was dressed up as: a pirate, or rather, a pirate wench.

Soon after breaking up with Leonard, she had to face the harsh reality that without him buying her meals on a regular basis, she really couldn't afford to pay her rent and buy the necessities: food, wine and designer shoes. Her options were limited, so when she heard of a job that combined waitressing and acting, she jumped at the chance without asking too many questions. The job turned out to be legitimate, if slightly less dignified than her Cheesecake Factory gig, if that were possible. Originally one of the Renaissance dinner shows, the owner recently decided to revamp the show into a pirate extravaganza. She still had to weave through tiers of tables carrying heavy trays of tankards full of ale in a dimly lit auditorium. The corset and low-cut chemise were still part of her costume too, although now she wore a much shorter skirt and had to put up with endless bad jokes about her "booty". Not to mention that all her male customers seemed to think getting handsy was all just part of the show. The tips were much better, though, so as much as she was tempted on a nightly basis to tell her manager exactly where he could shove this crappy job, she stayed.

Oddly enough, of all her friends, Sheldon had always supported her acting career the most. She couldn't really figure it out. Maybe it was because that one time she had him read through the play he'd written as a child, he'd ended up sobbing on the phone, apologizing to his mom. She had rarely seen that kind of emotion from him since, but knowing it was there had given her a different perspective on him. Beneath the arrogance and casual insults was an insecure little boy who had never quite felt like he fit in anywhere. He was rude to people because he was afraid to let them get close. She understood that attitude. It was part of the reason why she had ended things with Leonard: his constant declarations of love that she didn't reciprocate made her feel suffocated.

A click and scrape broke into her reverie, and before she could dart down the steps, Sheldon came out of his apartment. She groaned inwardly, wondering how she had let her mind wander standing in the hallway between the apartments.

"Hello, Penny." He looked her costume up and down slowly. If any other guy did that, it would have been offensive, but this was just Sheldon. He took in the off-the-shoulder blouse, with her breasts pushed up on display by the tight, royal blue corset. A short, ruffled skirt ended about two inches above the thigh-high, lace-up boots. She had to admit, she had drooled a little when she first saw the boots; they were sexy as hell. And since she had to buy her uniform, she had every intention of wearing them out clubbing sometime. They would probably get a lot of guys to buy her drinks.

Sheldon looked back at her face, and although he didn't smile, his eyes were sparkling with excitement. "Are you going cosplaying? I should come too; I have the perfect reproduction French corsair costume."

"I'm sure you do, sweetie," she replied with no irony whatsoever. "But I'm afraid this is my new work uniform."

His expression turned sulky. "I still can't believe you'd abandon me to the vagaries of whatever random waitress decides to show up that Tuesday evening at the Cheesecake Factory."

"We've been over this," she replied tiredly. "I know you have no idea what it's like to be broke and behind on your rent, but it sucks. It was either find a new job, or move into a cheaper place." An idea struck her. "Look, my manager gave me a few free tickets. He wants to create a lot of buzz about the new show. You wanna put on your costume and come with me?"

She knew exactly how to cajole him. His eyes lit up. "Give me ten minutes," he said, and dashed back inside.

Ten more minutes would make her late for work, but she didn't care. She'd just tell her manager that some tourists wanted to take a picture with her, and that would make him happy. Besides, ever since she split with Leonard, Sheldon and Bernadette were her only friends who made an effort to spend time with her. That was discounting Amy, whose strange blend of insults and lustful comments about Penny's body made her uncomfortable. At first, she thought if she just showed Amy some attention, she would eventually chill, and maybe let her talk her into trimming her ends. But so far, Amy's weird behavior continued. If she wasn't Sheldon's girl-slash-friend, she would've written Amy off long ago.

Sheldon emerged from the apartment, and just like with the charcoal gray suit from long ago, her jaw dropped when she saw him. The loose-fitting shirt was open at the neck, with crisscrossed laces through which his chest hair was visible. He had a bandolier slung across his chest, and a rapier hung from the wide leather belt. Dark pants belled out above calf-high leather boots, with the tops folded down. To top it all off, he wore a fake beard and moustache that was both faintly ridiculous and made him look more masculine.

"I'm ready to go; are you?" he asked.

She closed her mouth, wondering what Amy would say if she saw Sheldon dressed up as a pirate. No, on second thought, she didn't have to guess. One of her least favorite things about Amy was how much she tried to discourage Sheldon from his hobbies, acting as if he could be doing better things with his time. Obviously, he could, but that wasn't the point. Penny liked him better when he was playing video games or talking about trains. It was one of the few times he forgot himself enough to smile occasionally. He seemed more human when he let loose a little. There was another reason that Penny thought these things were actually good for him. Sheldon, despite being once described as "one lab accident away from turning into a supervillain", admired the superheroes. In the comic books, the bad guys had super powers too, but it was the good guys that Sheldon wished he could be like. She couldn't help but feel that somewhere beneath his cold, prickly exterior was a man who wanted to be a better person. Anyone else, knowing Sheldon, would have laughed at her ideas, but she had always hoped that the right person might bring out those qualities in him. The more time he spent with Amy, the more she was convinced Amy wasn't the right person.

"Penny, you have something right here…" While her mind had been wandering again, Sheldon had circled around her. Suddenly, she felt his fingers brush the bared top of her thigh which was exposed between the top of her boot and the short hem of her skirt. She jerked, startled, and then whirled to slap his hand away hard. Working at the Pirate's Plunder had cranked her reflexes up to an eleven, since she was constantly fending unwanted advances from drunken patrons (which was what you got when you served "ale" in 32 ounce tankards).

"That hurt!" he yelped, shaking his hand. The back of his knuckles were turning pink from the force of her slap.

"What the hell were you doing, trying to feel me up? Honestly, is there something about this outfit that screams 'available for sexual harassment'?" she cried. She couldn't believe that Sheldon Cooper, of all people, had just groped her. Maybe the costume was more risqué than she thought.

Sheldon's eyes were wide, and all the color had drained from his face. "There was a loose thread hanging from the hem of your skirt," he explained. "I thought perhaps I could remove it."

"Oh…. oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I should have known you wouldn't act like a perv."

He was frowning at her. "I'm not sure I understand your reaction. Many times at the Cheesecake Factory, I have seen you receive such treatment from other male customers, and you continue to smile and joke with them. I thought you enjoyed being touched in a sexual manner, not that I would have ever imitated such actions."

Her jaw dropped open for the second time that evening. She wanted desperately to yell at him, to give him a piece of her mind, but she knew he would only cringe away and not hear anything she had to say. So she gritted her teeth together, counted to ten, and explained, "No, I really and truly hate it when customers try to feel me up. The reason you see me smiling is because I have to put up with it if I want a good tip. If the customers get mad, they'll just make things difficult for me. Any manager would fire a waitress sooner than ask someone to leave their restaurant for acting like a pig. It's different if I'm on a date, if I'm attracted to a guy and I want him to touch me. But no one should ever think they have the right to treat another person that way, especially when they know the other person just has to suck it up and deal with it."

He frowned, looking thoughtful, and said nothing. A sudden flush came over her face as she wondered if this misunderstanding had been behind his many comments over the years, basically calling her a slut. If he thought she actually liked it when random strangers groped her, she could kind of see his point, not that it justified the way he treated her.

"Come on. If we don't leave now, I'm gonna be really late for work. I can't afford to lose this job." She tugged on his sleeve, and he followed her down the stairs, still with that confused look on his face. Seeing this, she decided, what the hell, and started telling him how his rude comments to her had often hurt her feelings. His puzzled frown deepened as he listened in silence, and Penny wondered what was going on in his head. Maybe I broke him again, she thought.

At the Pirate's Plunder show, she managed to slip in without her boss noticing she was late, although she still had to punch in, so she knew she would hear about it later. Bill, her boss, had the crappy habit of lecturing his employees about their faults while holding their paycheck in his hand. It always made Penny wonder if that paycheck would be her last. As a scare tactic to keep his employees from quitting, it was fairly effective.

She was carrying out her first heavy tray of the night, loaded with drink orders, including several of the popular "bottomless" tankards. She saw that the hostess, Marie, had seated Sheldon in her section, and she made a mental note to thank her later. No, seriously… over the years, she had gotten used to his exacting standards, and even though they were almost complete opposites, they had become close friends. Besides, it was nice to have a friendly face in her section.

"Hey, sweetie, how're you doing?" she asked as she stopped in front of his table. "Do you know what you want, or should I just order you a barbeque bacon cheeseburger with everything on the side?"

"They have a barbeque bacon cheeseburger?" He couldn't hide his excitement at being able to order the familiar favorite.

Penny smiled. "It's not on the menu, but I can special order it for you. One of the cooks owes me a favor, so I think I can even talk him into wearing gloves when he makes your food."

He nodded and asked for a diet Coke to go with it. Penny wrote it down, knowing that the restaurant only stocked Pepsi products. But hey, if he couldn't tell when she spiked his virgin Cuba Libre with rum, how would he ever know the difference between two brands of diet soda?

"Be right back, sweetie." Penny beamed at him. As Sheldon watched her walk away, he noticed some guy reach a hand out toward her at waist level. She deftly sidestepped and moved on. Her smile didn't falter, but for the first time, he wondered if that was one of the harassment incidents she had told him about earlier. He began to watch her more closely. As the dinner show progressed, he barely paid any attention to the tableau unfolding in the center stage. Under his watchful eye, Penny was subjected to an attempted groping no less than twenty times. The worst times for her seemed to be when she had to stand still, either to take someone's order or to deliver food or beverages. He saw one Neanderthal urge his buddy to take a picture as he palmed her buttocks while she was setting down plates full of food. She turned around and removed his hand, still smiling as she made a comment he couldn't hear. The two men laughed, and she hurried off to the next table.

Sheldon was beginning to experience an unfamiliar sensation. He was increasingly disturbed on Penny's behalf and felt a growing irritation towards the men who treated her so. When he was a child, he had often gotten picked on by bullies, but he had never drawn any parallels between his past and her current predicament until today. At least once he matriculated to college, the bullying had mostly ceased. But she was still being subjugated to harassment, all for the sake of a paycheck. He didn't like it. He had no idea how Penny could put up with that kind of treatment, especially for less than minimum wage. Even more convicting was the knowledge that even after a long waitressing shift, she often still had a smile for him. She was resilient in ways he had never imagined. His food sat uneaten on his plate as he thought about all the ways she cared for him… and how often his response was little better than the abuse she received here.

His attention was drawn back to her when he saw a tall, solidly-built man in costume approach her. They exchanged a few words, and Penny shook her head. She glanced toward Sheldon, and it seemed to him that she was deliberately looking for him. His heart started beating faster as he imagined that she needed him. Somehow, the idea was very appealing.

The themed music increased in both tempo and volume as a sword fight began between two characters. One was the man he had seen talking to Penny: he was obviously supposed to be the "good guy". The other man was dressed all in black: the villain. The two actors were making their way up the stairs and into the terraced platforms where the audience were eating their dinners behind long, cafeteria-style tables. People gasped and snapped pictures with their cell phones as the staged fight drew closer. Sheldon's attention was still divided between the pirate drama and Penny, so he saw her set down her tray and step closer. Her actions soon made sense, as the villain suddenly grabbed her, holding the sword to her throat. Penny shrieked and cried out for the hero to save her. The villain taunted him, making it clear with a few lewd gestures what he intended to do to her. Sheldon found he was gripping his table knife as tightly as if he were about to stab someone with it. He knew she was just playing a part, but he hated seeing her pretend to be so helpless. He began to see that this demeaning role was yet another way in which she was forced to compromise who she was, just so she could pay her bills.

The villain escaped by shoving Penny forward, where she collapsed into the protagonist's arms.

"My hero," she cried, and Sheldon despised that line as much as anything else he had seen or heard that night. More than most, he knew that she could take care of herself. He couldn't tolerate the casual abuse directed toward her anymore. He glanced down, suddenly remembering that unlike most of the tourists here, he had come dressed in full costume. An evil, "kill Batman" smile spread across his face as he began to formulate a plan. He didn't often admit to enjoying himself, but if his plan worked… this was going to be fun.

As he had deduced, the second act of the show featured a hackneyed rehash of the first. The villain reappeared, and Penny had to reprise her damsel-in-distress role. As the "good guy" appeared, Sheldon calculated exactly where he would pass. He rose from his seat, acting like a silly tourist who didn't know enough to get out of the way. When the actor, irritated, motioned him out of the way, Sheldon pretended that he was complying and then hooked an ankle around and tripped him. The actor sprawled flat out upon the floor. There was a collective gasp from the audience. Sheldon planted a boot in the center of the man's back.

"You'll stay down if you know what's good for you," he growled in the most menacing voice he could manage. He had a lot of experience imitating Batman's gravelly voice, so he hoped he sounded dangerous. Reaching down, he yanked the sword from the actor's belt. He hefted it experimentally, getting a feel for its weight and balance. He had never been so appreciative of all those hours he spent perfecting his technique and stance in Wii Fencing. With a flourish, he pointed the rapier directly at the villain and advanced.

The other actor paled. "What are you doing?" he squeaked. "You're not part of the show!" Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten he was wearing a microphone. His words carried across the whole arena, and the fans roared with laughter.

Sheldon closed the distance between them. "En garde!" he shouted.

The villain looked around wide-eyed and reluctantly put up his sword. The skirmish between them wasn't scripted or choreographed. This actor had apparently taken a few lessons, but he shrank back, apparently uncertain whether Sheldon actually meant to harm him. In a matter of seconds, Sheldon had rapped him sharply across the knuckles, causing him to drop his weapon with a yelp. The man sank to his knees and laced his hands behind his head.

"I surrender!" he cried. By this point, the crowd had become completely still, sensing that this wasn't a planned part of the show. A quick glance around showed Sheldon that several large, beefy men in black t-shirts that read "Security" were closing in on his position. He turned back to Penny, who had been watching the whole scene, her eyes and mouth round with dismay.

He walked over to her and executed his best courtly bow. Then he slowly got down on one knee before her. Her eyes widened as he took the rapier and laid it across his palms, offering it to her.

"Sheldon, what are you doing?" she hissed.

"My lady," he said to her, causing her jaw to drop. "You deserve better than this. You're better than all of them," he said, his gaze including the crowd and the actors. "You're better than… me. I've treated you badly, and you've only been kind to me in return. I had to do something to rectify the situation."

Her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes glistened. She gave him a watery smile. "You had to defeat both the good guy and the bad guy just to tell me this?"

"Yes," he replied. "To tell you that I know you don't need rescuing. That you're the one who always rescues me."

Her face softened, and her smile widened even as two tears made their way down her face. She took the sword from his outstretched hands. His heart began pounding even harder as she tapped it gently on each of his shoulders. Then she took his hand. "Stand up," she whispered as she pulled him to his feet. Her arms went around his neck, she pulled his head down to hers and kissed him. Shock quickly gave way to amazement, and then he could think of nothing else but how good, how right, she felt in his arms, which had wrapped around her of their own volition. Dimly, he was aware of the audience erupting into cheers. After a few seconds, the spotlight swung away, plunging them into darkness.

Penny pulled away from him, and her face fell. "All that talk about how I didn't want anyone to touch me without permission, and here I am, doing the same thing to you," she muttered. "Sweetie, I'm sorry…"

He cut her off. "Did you want to kiss me, or were you just playing a part for the audience?"

She shook her head. "You were right: I'm better than this. I don't care about this job anymore. I only care about you."

"Good," he whispered, feeling a surge of both triumph and relief. "Because I feel the same way about you."

As he bent over her again, he noted vaguely that the security team had them surrounded but weren't yet dragging them bodily away. At this point, nothing seemed to matter except the woman for whom he had just begun to realize how much he cared. This time, he was the one to initiate the kiss. Moments later, as the spotlight swept over them again, they were still locked in each other's arms.

As it turned out, Penny didn't have to quit. Her serving manager came up to her five minutes later to tell her she was fired. She merely shrugged and kept moving down the rows of tables with a pitcher of iced tea in her hand, looking for anyone who needed a refill. She still had the rapier, even though she'd had to rip a hole in the seam of her skirt to get it to hang properly by her side.

"Didn't you hear me? I said you're fired!" Bill growled at her.

Penny looked over to where Sheldon was sitting, patiently waiting for her, and smiled. Two security officers flanked him, looking slightly ridiculous. She turned back to Bill and laid a hand on the hilt of the sword. "The only reason I'm still here is that I have some respect for all the other waitresses. They're already overworked, so I'm not going to just dump all my tables on them. I never minded the hard work. I just wanted to be treated like a human being instead of a piece of meat. And ever since he handed me that sword…" Her eyes met Sheldon's, and she smiled tenderly at him. Then she glared at her manager. "No one's treated me like trash, except for you." With that, she walked away. As she did so, she heard a clap, and then another and another. She turned around to see that her whole section had slowly begun clapping for her, and many of them had risen to their feet. A few of the closest ones had heard their conversation, and the rest had guessed the content by watching their interaction. Penny held out the side of her short, frilly skirt one-handed and swept them all a grand, theatrical curtsy. Bill got very red in the face and stomped off.

Before she left, Penny snatched the producer's business card from off of Bill's desk and tucked it into her server's apron. She woke up late the next morning, having stayed up until almost one in the morning with Sheldon. They had taken a blanket up to the rooftop of the apartment building where they had spent the rest of the evening talking, kissing and cuddling under the stars. She opened her eyes the next morning with a huge smile on her face. The first thing she did was to send Sheldon a text that consisted of nothing but three heart icons. Then, after her coffee, she sat down and emailed the producer of the show. She explained exactly how sexist the script was, and how it encouraged the paying customers to mistreat the waitresses. She wrote about how she didn't mind hard work, but she hated being treated like an object. Finally, she included several suggestions on how to make the show more original and more entertaining by including a strong female lead. As she hit "send", she had no idea if her words would make any impact, or if her email would even be read by the producer. It didn't matter to her. She was finally convinced of her own worth, and she was never going to allow anyone to look down on her again. A smile spread across her face. Pirate Penny… a few years older and wiser than her Junior Rodeo counterpart. She liked the transformation. No matter what her future held, she was going to take the world by storm.

A/N: Once again, this isn't the story I intended to write, but it's the one that wanted to be written! Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! Grrr... arrrgh.