Disclaimer: I hold neither the rights to NCIS or Man From Uncle. I hold only the copyright to this fanfiction.

Needless to say Ducky looked fairly alarmed and bewildered as the FBI agent handcuffed him.

As far as mornings at NCIS went it was fairly average, the only difference as he made his way down to the morgue was that most people Ducky passed today offered a polite "Happy Birthday," instead of the standard "good morning".

"Good morning and happy birthday, Doctor Mallard," Palmer said as soon as the sliding doors let Ducky into the morgue.

"Ah, yes, thank you, Mr. Palmer. You know, I've had quite a few people wish me well today. It is either a sign that I have been here long enough for that to become common knowledge or Abigail has been making the rounds," Ducky noted, setting his briefcase on his desk before he started to shrug off his coat.

"Or that cat let it out of the bag," Palmer joked, gesturing to the autopsy table behind them.

"Cat?" Ducky asked, turning to see a giant stuffed tiger lounging on the table closest to the door. It was large enough that it took up the entire table, much better quality than some carnival games that gave out toys that size and the tiger was correctly colored, positioned like one would lay down in real life.

"Oh, Good Lord," Ducky pinched the bridge of his nose as he realized who it came from.

"I already ran an X-ray over it and there is nothing but stuffing 'n' stitches, Doctor," Palmer said, sounding far too pleased with himself.

Ducky looked at his assistant rather bemused. "You felt the need to X-ray my birthday present?"

"Well, I-I was worried that he might have a bomb or something. Plus if he turned out to be a real tiger, I mean not like a live tiger, you know like a-" Palmer caught Ducky's flat look. "Please don't be mad or start wrapping my presents in lead paper."

Ducky cracked and laughed as he moved to investigate what his friend had sent. "I appreciate the precaution, Mr. Palmer. Do hand me one of my spare bow ties from my desk."

"Right away, Doctor," Palmer said, opening the second drawer down on the desk. "It's just, you know, I was just thinking about the Trojan horse and I didn't want to take any chances..."

"Hm, yes, it is sad though as you felt the need to examine him. Such is the world we live in. Ah, thank you, Mr. Palmer." Ducky took the blue tie and expertly wrapped it around the plush toy's neck making it look quite dapper in his opinion. He took a moment to admire his work and scratch the toy behind its ears.

"Oh, he came with a card too." Palmer said, handing over a blue envelope.

The card had a teapot on the front with a packet of Twinning's tea sticking out of the pot, the words "Happy Birthday" in computer cursive on the front. Ducky opened the card to see very familiar hand writing say "Ducky, Happy Birthday, I'm in town so dinner's on me, Albert" as well as the phone and room number to the hotel he was staying in.

"So who's it from?" Palmer asked, trying to appear as though he didn't want to look over Ducky's shoulder.

"He's from Albert," Ducky said, gesturing with the card, "Best move him before we end up needing the table."

"Right," Palmer said, grabbing the toy around the middle. "Albert, Albert, isn't he your cousin?"

"Second-cousin, we shared a Great-Uncle. Good man, died of old age, sadly," Ducky reminisced, setting the card on his desk.

"What, Albert?" Palmer asked fairly alarmed at the idea of Ducky receiving a present from a dead man.

"No, the Great-Uncle was the one who died."

"Oh, thank goodness," Palmer sighed in relief, putting the tiger down in an as-out-of-the-way-as-possible corner. "I mean, I'm sorry about your Uncle, I didn't mean to make it sound like-"

"Who's first on the agenda, Mr. Palmer?" Ducky asked before Palmer could spiral out of control.

"Oh, um, we have the Petty Officer Linn with the gunshot wound, for Agent Gibbs. Uh, Lieutenant Adams of a suspected heart attack for Agent Sawyer, and Sargent Myers who's cause of death is undetermined for Agent Christopher. And just the paper work for Commander Riker, Captain Archer, and Petty Officer Paris so they can go rest in peace."

"Is that all? Hm, well a slow day every now and then never hurt anyone," Ducky said.

"Yep, that's it, barring someone dying and we get called in," Palmer noted.

They both looked at each other and then slowly at the phone as if expecting it to ring. A moment passed and they both breathed a sigh of relief.

"If you'd be so kind as to pull Lieutenant Adams out, we'll get him out of here as quickly as possi-" The phone cut Ducky off, causing him to close his eyes in resigned exasperation.

Palmer winched. "Too soon?"

Ducky gave Palmer a look as he answered the phone, scrawling down the address of where the victim was. Ducky dropped the phone back on to the desk handing his assistant the address. "Too soon, Mr. Palmer."

"All I'm asking guys, is what did you get him?" Tony whined, snapping a picture of the dead body at the bottom of the building.

"Tony, his birthday is today, and you are only now asking us," Ziva snapped.

"That's cause he forgot," McGee intoned, sketching the crime scene.

"I did not forget, it just slipped my mind," Tony said.

"So you didn't get him anything?" Ziva asked, indignant on Ducky's behalf.

"No, I mean, yes. Yes, I got him something, something cool, something that he likes-"

"Something that is not our idea," McGee said, refusing the bait.

"Of course it's not your idea, it's my present to him," Tony said with a laugh then looked them both in the eye seriously. "So what did you get him?"

"Don't tell him, Ziva," McGee warned.

"Oh, for crying out loud, just get the man some tea!" Ziva said with a roll of her eyes.

"Tea, how stereotypical is that? Get the British guy tea." Tony scoffed.

"Well, I've always enjoyed a good cuppa. Though please avoid most bagged teas, they tend to be very low quality as they are made from the left overs of what has been used to blend loose teas," Ducky said, coming up from behind Tony.

Tony froze for a moment before plastering on a big grin. "You don't say. We were just talking about what we got you for your birthday. And they think I'm so predictable as to get you tea."

Ducky raised an eyebrow. "Oh, and what did you get me?"

"I-" Tony froze, his smile fixed. "Drinks on me. You and two friends of your choosing."

"Ah, thank you, Anthony, Albert will be delighted to hear," Ducky patted Tony on the shoulder and knelt down next to the body.

Tony stared at where Ducky had been. "Albert? As in Cousin Albert?"

"Isn't he the man that Tony swore could drink Godzilla under the bench?" Ziva asked.

"It's 'drink under the table' and yes, he's in town," Palmer said brightly as Ducky looked over the woman lying on the ground.

"You my dear had quite the tumble," Ducky gazed up at the building.

"Witnesses say Ensign Kimberly Jones jumped from roof which is about five stories up," Ziva answered the unspoken question.

"Yes, that matches with the wounds, both of her arms are shattered from where she instinctively tried to brace herself," Ducky said, holding his arms defensively.

"Was she pushed or jumped, Duck?"

"Hm, impossible to say. Oh, and DiNozzo has kindly offered to pay for drinks, Jethro."

Tony squeezed his eyes shut as he realized that he was covering Gibbs' drinks as well.

"Next year, give him your stapler, DiNozzo," Gibbs suggested.

"I'll keep that in mind, Boss," Tony said.

"I am inclined to say the poor thing jumped however," Ducky said, rolling up Ensign Jones' sleeve. "She has wounds consist with self-harm."

"Won't that have shown up on her psych eval?" McGee asked.

"It depends on how well she hid it. Also these wounds are recent I'd say that it's only been, oh, three, four months since she started, depending on where her last psych evalve was it might not have been an issue. I'll have Abby run a tox-screen when we get her back."

"Huh, what's Agent Fornell doing here?" McGee asked, looking across the street.

Everyone glanced up to see Fornell and another agent getting out of a black sedan.

"I'll go see," Gibbs said, giving his team a quick glance and they all went back to what they were supposed to be doing.

Gibbs' gut gave an unpleasant twitch as Fornell and his unknown blonde partner walked toward him, their eyes sweeping the street. Something was going to happen and Gibbs wasn't going to like it.

"Fornell, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Gibbs asked.

"Is Donald Mallard here?" The Unknown demanded her eyes narrowed.

Gibbs glanced behind him to see Ducky and Palmer running through their standard field tests. The Unknown mistook his glance for permission and moved to contaminate his crime scene before Gibbs stepped right in her path.

"Nah, ah, not until you tell me what you need with Doctor Mallard," Gibbs said, effectively blocking her. Gibbs looked at Fornell who gave an apologetic nod at Unknown; effectively tell him that she was in charge.

"Our business is with Mallard and none of your concern," Unknown said.

"If it concerns, Doctor Mallard, it does to Agent Gibbs," Fornell said, glaring at his own partner.

Gibbs gave Fornell a quick smile, glad to see that whatever was going on Fornell was at least as much on his side as he could be.

"It is on a need-to-know basis and that is all I can say at the moment," Unknown said, "Now get Mallard over here."

"If you want me to get Doctor Mallard, you're going to have to give me a little more than that," Gibbs said, his gut getting tighter in warning.

"Then I'll arrest you," Unknown said.

"On what grounds?" Gibbs said, planting his feet glaring her in the eye.

She didn't flinch, he'd give her that much. "Obstruction."

"The only reason I'm obstructing you is because you're not giving me a reason."

"Gibbs, trust me, it's a good reason," Fornell warned, his eyes flickering past Gibbs shoulder.

"Is everything alright?" Ducky asked.

Gibbs gritted his teeth as he glanced over his friend's head; the team was very pointedly not looking as DiNozzo helped Palmer load up the body.

"Donald Mallard?" Unknown demanded.

Ducky looked at her warily but he nodded. "Yes."

"Hands behind your back," she said, pulling out a pair of handcuffs.

Ducky took a step back. "Why?"

Fornell stepped forward, shooting Gibbs a look as Unknown circled around Ducky. "Doctor Mallard, you're being investigated for espionage performed under the name Illya Kuryakin."

Needless to say Ducky looked fairly alarmed and bewildered as the FBI agent handcuffed him.

Citations: Tiger plush headcannon taken from napoleon and illya. tumblr. com

Birthday card: roses -and- teacups collections/ kimberly- shaw- tea- greeting- cards