So, let me introduce myself. My name is Cindy and for many, many years, I shunned a Vampire Academy book that a friend of mine gave me because of my love for Twilight. Two weeks ago, I decided to try the first book. Needless to say I was immediately hooked. I went out the next morning, bought the rest of the series and fell asleep at work almost every day because I was literally almost reading throughout the night every night. I finished the entire series in four consecutive evenings.

And so I've come to realize there's enough room in my heart for both Edward and Dimitri (lol), although I am kinda hooked on the Russian god at the moment. I've even downloaded a fan video of the movie and watched it like a million times. Is that weird behavior for a 37 year old? Probably. Do I care? Hell no! LOL

So, here is my first shot at VA fanfic, although I've written some based on Twilight. I have no idea where this is going, I have no idea how long it's going to be, but I hope that whether it's three chapters or twenty, you'll enjoy my writing.

So, that's about the longest A/N you'll ever get from me. Hope you enjoy this ride with me.

Song for Chapter 1 – I don't know anything - Hope

Color me blue I'm lost in you

Don't know why I'm still waiting

Many moons have come and gone

Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all

And who am I to say you love me

I don't know anything at all

And who am I to say you need me

My back hits the training mat in the gym for the fourth time in a half an hour. I groan at the impact. Once or twice was okay but by the fourth time it kind of starts hurting and Eddie isn't exactly known for being gentle when it comes to sparring.

"That's four times, Hathaway," Eddie smiles victoriously as he offers me his hand, which I grip tightly and he pulls me up.

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it," I mumble as I stand back and ready myself for the next round.

We're both sweaty and out of breath. But while I've given my all physically for thirty minutes, my mind is somewhere else. I risk a glance to my right even though I know just seeing him will make my heart ache that much more. It's been two months since the lust charm. Two months of knowing he's hiding his true feelings for me. Two months of being all but ignored by the Guardian who holds my heart.

My eyes find him easily. I'm drawn to him, I sense him, just like I know he senses me. Our eyes meet for a split second and I barely have time to appreciate his beauty before a hard blow to my chest has my feet leaving the ground and I'm flung backward through the air. I close my eyes, bracing myself to hit the ground hard, but instead I find myself caught by Mason, who must have seen it coming. I'm vaguely aware that there's deathly silence in the gym. Fuck, everyone must have seen it.

I'm livid. Not wasting time and not even thanking Mason, I shrug out of his arms and stalk back over to Eddie, who has a smirk gracing his pretty face.

"Think that's funny Castile?" I ask with a smirk of my own as I lunge at him, angry not at him, but at myself for being caught off guard like that. But again, I miss as he sidesteps and turns as I pass him, his rigid forearm connecting hard with my upper back, almost sending me sprawling. I just manage to keep my balance.

Turning on Eddie again, I notice the rest of the Novices are all standing closer, watching how this plays out. Usually I would be on top of this, but not today.

"Rose, you're not yourself today," Eddie says softly so only I can hear. He seems worried as we circle each other closely. "Let's call it a day," he suggests.

I don't reply, rather striking and hitting my mark at last. He winces as I deliver a hard blow to his ribs but before I can comprehend he grabs my arm before I can retract it and twists me around, my back to his front, my arm painfully pulled up between us.

"Please Rose, I don't want to hurt you," Eddie begs at my ear.

What he doesn't understand is maybe I want to be hurt. Maybe lying in bed at night in physical pain gives me something other to think about than the longing in my heart that makes it difficult to breathe sometimes.

"You gonna say that to a Strigoi?" I taunt Eddie and as he lets my arm go and I turn back to him, I see whatever concern he had for me is gone. He's not going to hold back any longer.

For the next fifteen minutes we're on each other, striking, blocking, wrestling. I get in a couple of good blows and one particularly hard kick to his upper thigh, but it's obvious he has the upper hand this time. Try as I might, for some or other reason, today I can't think past the gaping hole in my chest. You would think over time the pain would recede. But it doesn't. It grows deeper and deeper every day, threatening to swallow me whole.

And that's exactly what it does…at least, long enough for Eddie to take a gap and catch me hard against my temple with a blow from his elbow, effectively knocking me to the ground. I'm too dazed to put up a fight as he straddles me, bringing his linked hands down with his imaginary stake.

"You're dead," he whispers cheekily before getting up, pulling me with him.

I stumble slightly and he grabs hold of me.

"Eddie," Mason says as he jogs over. "That was way out of line man," he says angrily. I sigh as I push Mason back, who looks like he's about to jump Eddie any second.

"No he wasn't," I say loud enough for everyone to hear. "This isn't play school, Mason. This is guardian training classes. You either bring it all to class, or you get handed your ass, it's as simple as that."

Mason looks like he's about to argue, but one look at my face tells him to shut it.

I turn to Eddie.

"Nice round, Castile," I smile, which makes the side of my head throb harder, making me wince for the hundredth time since we started sparring.

"Okay Novices, that's it for today. Hit the showers," I hear his voice echo slightly through the gym. It's not too loud, but it doesn't have to be. His voice commands attention every time he speaks. It enters my ears and ripples through my body, melting my resolve and chipping away at the remaining fragments of my heart.

"I'm here if you need to talk, Rose," Eddie says as he brushes his fingers over my temple in an apologetic gesture.

I don't answer him, I just nod. I'm tired. All I want to do is drag my sorry ass to the dorms for a shower, grab something to eat and hopefully catch a few hours' sleep before he starts haunting my dreams.

I've long since realized that this is no school girl infatuation. It never was. And it isn't even about the short time we spent together under Victor's lust spell, even though I'll never regret it. I miss him. The side of him he never allowed anyone else to see. I miss the way he used to look at me when no one was watching. I miss our private training, which he managed to get cancelled. I miss the smile he seemed to reserve just for me. I miss just being…us, whatever that might have been.

He admitted that Victor had been right. That he had feelings for me. And somewhere deep within the logical part of my brain I know his reasoning makes sense. How would we effectively protect Lissa if we allowed ourselves to love each other so deeply that nothing else mattered?

Yet how does one ignore love? How do you tell your heart to stop feeling? And he never admitted he loved me; he merely said that he couldn't allow himself to love me.

So who am I to say he loves me?

The guys all disappear to the locker rooms and I walk over to my gym back, grabbing my water bottle and taking a few gulps before putting it back. I zip my bag and throw it over my shoulder before I start walking towards the door.

"Rose."

Dimitri.

My stride falters. The way my name falls from his lips, like an angel sighing.

I falter, but I don't stop. I can't allow myself to turn around and face him. He's too close; I don't have to look around to know it, my body responds to his proximity without permission.

No, he made up his mind. No matter what he feels for me, he's never going to act on it. I have to respect that. But I also have to respect the way my heart breaks all over again every time I see him.

As I change my stride into a jog and rush through the gym door into the early evening air, I once again pray that my feelings for him will subside over time.

It has to…right?

If any of my Twilight readers are reading this, you know how I love reviews.

To new readers: Please review. I love them, no matter what your opinion and I always always respond.

See you in the next chapter. Have an awesome weekend.