A/N: Hi. So this was both my first ever fanfic and my first ever major piece of creative writing. It's imperfect in all the ways you might expect from such a piece. I've long since planned to make some changes – clean it up, as it were. But in spite of its flaws, it occupies a special place in my heart and I want it to remain true to the original. Every mistake tells its own story and represents a part of the person I was when I wrote this more than three years ago. So while I am, starting 2020, going to try and clean up the prose and make this more readable (not least so I don't put people off reaching the sequel, which I regard as a far superior piece of work), I will endeavour to keep it true to the original. I won't retroactively correct any of the conceptual decisions I now regard as errors. Which means for anyone rereading this, this won't read exactly the same as it once did – but it will still fundamentally be the same story.

As part of that, I will leave all of the original author's notes, but I will mark them as such and include anything I have to add as a separate note. With that out of the way, enjoy the story :)

-Kio

Original A/N: This story is, in many ways, my alternative to TLG, since many people (including myself) felt it wasn't a great book. Like TLG, my story starts with Artemis being declared cured of Atlantis - in fact the first chapter is based off/a re-imagining of the first chapter of TLG. Bear with me, I promise it's a lot more original after this ;). There ARE a few characters of my own invention, but mostly they play a very minor role (aside from the main antagonist - seriously who wanted more Opal Koboi). I have the entire story arc written so hopefully updates will be frequent. My plan/notes are ~10k words and I intend this to be a book-length adventure.

Disclaimer: See the bit at the top of the page that says "FanFiction"? I think it would be safe to assume I don't own Artemis Fowl.

Chapter 1; Lucid

From the case notes of Dr. Jerbal Argon, Psych Brotherhood

1. Artemis Fowl, once self-proclaimed teenage criminal mastermind, now prefers the term juvenile genius. Apparently, Artemis has changed. (Note to self: Harrumph).

2. For the past six months Artemis has been undergoing weekly therapy sessions at my clinic in Haven City in an attempt to overcome a serious case of Atlantis Complex, a psychological condition that he developed as a result of meddling in fairy magic. (Serves him right, silly Mud Boy).

3. Remember to submit outrageous bill to Lower Elements Police.

4. Artemis appears to be cured, and in record time too. Is this likely? Or even possible?

5. Order more painkillers for my blasted hip.

6. Issue clean bill of mental health for Artemis. Final session today.

Dr. Argon's office, Haven City, The Lower Elements

Artemis Fowl was actually a few minutes early, but he refused to enter the office before the designated time. It was a small thing, but Artemis was very particular about arrangements.

He was about to get up from his seat when the door opened to reveal a rather miffed looking Dr. Argon.

"What in the world are doing out here, Mud Boy?" he asked. "I've been ready for you for several minutes now."

"Why ever would that be, doctor? Our session doesn't start for-" he smirked, checking his watch – "another seven seconds."

Argon sighed. "Just get in here," he grumbled.

Artemis complied, delighted to have already managed to annoy his therapist. He had already been cured for about a month (his phenomenal intellect had accelerated the process substantially) and yet Argon still insisted on wasting his time with his amateur psychoanalysis. The least Artemis could do in exchange was to antagonise him at every possible opportunity.

"So Artemis," Argon began as his subject sat down, his voice settling back into its usual condescending tone. "I'd like to start today by talking a little about your dreams." When Artemis said nothing, he continued. "Go on then – tell me. What did you dream about last night?"

A shadow appeared across Artemis's face and he seemed to squirm a little. "Actually, the thing is, Doctor… well last night I had a bit of a nightmare."

Argon leaned forward, clearly excited by this revelation. "And what was this nightmare about?"

"It was about this awful gnome. He kept forcing me to endure his pathetic excuses for therapy sessions. He seemed to labour under the delusion that he had anything of value to offer me." Artemis curled his lip "Now, Doctor, please understand that my lifespan is significantly shorter than yours; I would appreciate it if you would be so kind as to stop wasting my time."

"Now listen here, Mud Boy," Argon began, his mood souring once again. "I've put a huge amount of effort into helping you overcome your Atlantis, despite what you've done to the People in the past, despite your insolence and despite this damn pain in my leg. I've put up with you this long, the least you can do is show a little respect, if not offer some much-owed thanks."

Artemis sighed theatrically. It was sweet really – the doctor actually thought he deserved any of Artemis's respect. Even more amusing was Argon's hip problem – Artemis was confident that it had been caused by past treatment for turned in feet and could likely be solved with a simple brace. Artemis was astonished no doctors in haven had figured it out. But where would be the fun in telling Argon that?

"You wish me to treat you with respect, Doctor?" Artemis finally responded, his voice cold. "Very well. I shall speak candidly. I hold your opinion in relatively low regard. You hold myself and my species in very low regard; I am only here because you are able to charge the LEP an extortionate fee and because you believe my presence may aid you in your increasingly desperate quest for fame. I tolerate you because I have very little choice – I need you to sign off on my mental health."

It was, of course, all true. Artemis was rarely wrong. Argon opened his mouth to either argue or complain (he wasn't sure which yet), but closed it again before any sound came out.

"We are both fully aware that I have been cured for some time now," continued Artemis, still showing no signs of emotion. "In fact, this is our final session; perhaps you could do us both a favour and issue me a clean bill of mental health now rather than later."

Argon was beat and he knew it. This was a waste of time and he had no desire to spend the next hour arguing about it with a smarmy little mud boy. Besides, his hip was killing him.

"Fine, you win Fowl," he muttered, handing over the already signed document. "Now get out of my city."

Artemis's voice glistened with ice. "Gladly."

He took the sheet and scanned it briefly before standing to leave. For a moment he debated thanking the doctor, or offering his diagnosis of the leg problem, but upon reflection of how his last month had been wasted, he thought better of it. Perhaps he would email the doctor designs for a suitable brace at a later date. Or then again, perhaps he wouldn't.

Artemis Fowl stepped out of the J. Argon clinic and onto the streets of Haven. He took a breath and smiled. It felt good to be back.

In spite of his early departure, it didn't take Holly Short long to join him.

"Wow," she commented when she found him already waiting for her. "You took even less time to convince him than I thought you would."

"I can be very persuasive when I want to be," responded Artemis. Their eyes met for a moment, each of them staring into one of their own. They shared a smile before catching themselves.

"You seem back to your old infuriating self," said Holly. "Does this mean Haven can finally be rid of you?"

"I certainly hope so." He glanced away, a look of sadness flitting across face. "It's been far too long since I saw my family. Speaking of which, where's our ride?"

Holly gestured in a certain direction and started walking; Artemis fell in step next to her.

"Butler's already with the shuttle," she told him. "No doubt he'll be pleased to see you back in full control of your mental faculties."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "Please Holly, you and I – and Butler for that matter – both know that I've been completely sane for some time now."

It was true and Holly knew it. There would be no more counting words, no more delusions and paranoia, no more irrational fear of the number four. Her friend was back.

"You could even say I've been sane for more than four weeks," Artemis smirked.

The twelve-word sentence was not lost on Holly.

It didn't take long to reach the shuttle that the LEP had organised to take Artemis and Butler back to the surface. An LEP officer Artemis didn't recognise greeted them on arrival. Artemis raised an eyebrow at the elf in question, who correctly interpreted the gesture as a cue to introduce himself.

"Major K'Azir," he began, extending a hand that Artemis shook with no great warmth. K'Azir was tall for an elf and well-built, and he was kitted out in full LEP combat gear. "The council dictated that you have an at least one senior LEP officer escort you home."

Artemis looked confused. "They don't trust Holly to keep an eye on me?"

Holly suddenly seemed very interested in her feet, while K'Azir's eyes twinkled in amusement.

"I'm afraid Captain Short will not be accompanying you," he said. "But you can instead enjoy the company of myself and a certain Corporal Kelp."

Artemis sighed. He had so far managed to avoid spending any time in the presence of Grub Kelp, but he had heard more than enough from Holly to know he wouldn't enjoy it. He opened his mouth to lodge his objections with her, but the elf got there first.

"Sorry Artemis," she said. "But it's not exactly like I had a choice. Trouble isn't what I'd call impressed with the amount of time I've been spending with you while you've been recovering. I'm more than a little behind on paperwork – he made it very clear that I was not needed for this trip."

Artemis gave no outward sign of his disappointment, offering little more than a shrug and a wink. "It's a full moon in two days, I seem to remember you saying something about being low on magic…?"

Holly only took a moment or two to catch on. "Oh. Yep, I'm completely dry. Very irresponsible of me." She returned the wink. "See you around, Mud Boy."

Allowing a smile to tug at the corners of mouth, Artemis stepped aboard the LEP shuttle. K'Azir followed, tapping the hull twice as he boarded to indicate that they were ready for take-off.

Butler greeted his charge as soon the boy was inside the shuttle. He was visibly grateful to have someone to focus on other than Grub Kelp, who was no doubt playing host to a lively internal debate concerning whether or not to mention what had happened when he and Butler had met during the Fowl Manor siege. Grub loved any opportunity to recount the story of how he had singlehandedly faced down the man-mountain after the rest of his team had fallen. Unfortunately, as this was not even remotely close to what really happened, bringing the subject up in front of someone who had actually been there might prove a poor choice.

"Old friend," replied Artemis. "I trust my family has been informed of our impending return?"

"Of course," said the manservant, as the pilot finished his pre-flight checks. "According to our fairy friends, we will arrive in a little under an hour."

"Perfect."

Original A/N: Thanks so much for reading! This is not only my first post on this site, but also my first attempt at writing any fiction since school. Be gentle. But above all else, PLEASE REVIEW. I really want some feedback. Doesn't matter if it's pointing out a typo, correcting grammar, something you think should have been phrased differently or a critique of my writing style, I really would love to hear your thoughts!