Hello darlings. Alright, so I lied, I didn't rewrite the chapter as I intendent, just added a few things here and there. I could have spent a week or so rewriting the whole thing and change the end scene, however I decided not to. Mostly because I just wanted to get this entire nonsense over with and move on with my life!
This story is credited to my grandfather, who died two days after I started. Rather than facing this issue, I spent the next 10 days furiously writing this piece of work with the urgency of: ifIfinishtheneverythingwillbealright. Again, special thanks for Addy01 for editing, and Johnny for running commentary of "you did it, you are evil. Fix this right now" in my ear as I wrote this paragraph for paragraph. And for everyone who took their time to read, like and review.
Last chapter – goodness gracious, this fic was supposed to be top 20K long! And here we are reached over 60K – thank you for joining me on this journey, and I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did writing it. A short PWP will be up in a few days in case anyone is interested (will be posted in a story on its own as I'd like to keep the rating relatively innocent).
Without further ado – enjoy.
Wordcount: 5077
Date published: 07. December. 2016
…
Chapter 8: Sound
Despite the murmur of the crowd and the soft chimes from the stirring of porcelain cups, the silence between them felt almost deafening. Ran heart was stuck in her throat in worry as she ached to reach out and comfort her friend – she was half afraid he would crumble if she did.
Shinichi's eyes looked hollow and glassy as they focused on something far beyond her grasp. The heavy bags underneath the eyes were a soft purple shade, almost resembling a fading bruise. His face looed sickly pale as though he was a doll made out of grainy papier-mâché.
To say that she was worried for her friend would be the depressive truth by the largest of margin. Mustering up her courage, she finally reached out to grab one of his hands in her own and she palmed it under hers, barely covering his larger hand. He felt almost cold to the touch.
"Are you getting sick?" she asked with a soft and worried tone.
Shinichi flinched, but did not withdraw his hand, and his eyes fell to their clasped hands. "No, I –" he mumbled hoarsely, and a flicker of panic flashed across his features.
Ran felt her mouth dry and she squeezed the hand in reassurance. "Then what's going on, Shinichi? We are all worried about you." She stared intently into his face in the hope she could see through the cracks in his physique and read his mind. She had always been worrying about him for as long as she could remember. Beneath the hard exterior that he exuded to the world, he had always been a lost, little boy, no matter how strong he acted. He was not the kind of person who bothered people with his problems.
It had been especially difficult since his return from being Edogawa Conan, and he had finally told her the truth. She had been entirely too worried and relieved he was alive to muster the energy to be angry at the deceit. She loved him and she would always do. She had even held on to the dream, that once he came back, the balance of the world would right itself and everything would turn back to normal.
Only it hadn't. Somewhere along the road, her feelings for him had morphed into one of sibling-love and she had accidentally fallen in love with Sera Masumi instead. Shinichi had noticed it before she had even realized her own feelings. Breaking up with him had been one of the hardest thing she had done in her life – ever since she was six, she had imagined it would be the two of them against the world. Her future had been ripped apart and she had tumbled into uncertainty, even as Shinichi, an ever present warmth comforting at her back, promised to never leave her side again.
And then, against every odds, and out of the blue, Sera had confessed her feelings for her and the world regained its colours back. She could have never imagined she would be able to find her soulmate and that she was so close by, and her love for the female detective could never compare to what she had once felt towards Shinichi.
"I – I did something I shouldn't have," he finally replied with a soft, pained tone, and her heart ached for him, wondering what could possibly bring such a self-loathing feeling in her childhood friend. He looked as though someone had died – and maybe someone, or something, had, metaphorically.
"What happened?" she asked again with a soft, gentle tone in order to not scare him off.
Shinichi looked down, and then withdrew his hand as he leaned back against the chair. She could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed to gain a few more seconds to gather his thoughts.
"I –" he glued his gaze to the ceiling, and his fingers curled into the fabric of his pants. "I kissed Kai- Kuroba."
Ran blinked, surprise making her heart leap into her throat. She fluttered her eyelashes for a moment to peer through them at him with a scrutinizing expression now that she knew what had been eating on his mind. There was no anger in his expression. Rather: Despair, guilt, shame, - but no disgust - over the fact that he had kissed his male friend.
For a second, she flashed back to the memory from all those months ago, when she had jokingly commented what an odd couple they would have been if they were both attracted to different gender all together in the end. Perhaps she had not been entirely wrong in her off-handed remark? But no, she had never seen Shinichi show any inclination of being attracted to men.
She picked up her cup of latte and took a careful sip. Ran was well aware of Kaito's own feelings for the detective, had in fact corned him about it a month earlier. He had tried to deny it, but she had seen straight through it. It was obvious in the way he glanced in the direction of Shinichi when he thought no one was looking with a tender expression. He was always so attentive, making sure the detective never want for anything and managed to produce a smile from Shinichi whenever her friend so much as started to frown.
Ran had thought deep down that it was too bad her childhood friend was not interested in dating men, had never seemed to be interested in anyone but Ran. Her heart had fluttered with guilt every time she noticed him looking at her with longing. However, slowly over the last few months it had subsided until it disappeared altogether. She had been relieved as she had never meant to break his heart.
Perhaps Kaito had replaced Ran in Shinichi's heart? She hoped so, but now she had to thread carefully to figure out how deeply the detective felt for the magician.
"I see," she finally cleared her voice when he did not seem inclined to continue. "How was it?"
Shinichi went rigid in his seat, eyes widening as a mixture of emotions, too fast to read, flickered across his face. He lifted a shaking hand to rake it through his hair. "Dreadful – terrible," he mumbled with a quaking voice, "I screwed up majorly Ran, so I fled. I couldn't – I didn't –" his voice trailed off in a jumble of panicked stuttering.
Ran creased her eyebrows in a frown, and put her cup back on the table. "So you didn't talk about it with him?"
His eyes finally darted to her face with fear, unlike any expression she had ever seen adorning his features. He had always been so proud, keeping his emotions at check, always stoic and brave in any situation. It made her heart ache to watch him so despondent like this.
"You didn't see the horror in his eyes," he lowered his gaze again. "I couldn't face him: I'm a coward."
She made a non-committal hum in response. So Shinichi had fled the scene and did not know Kaito was actually in love with him, or at least she did not think the idea had crossed the detective's mind. For a supposed genius, Shinichi could be so clueless about his own feelings and how other people thought about him. Or perhaps he was just simply too afraid to acknowledge what his subconscious was telling him from the fear of being rejected again.
She licked her lips slowly, wondering how to phrase the next question. "What about you then? What prompted you to kiss him in the first place?"
Shinichi blinked for a second, and his arm dropped from where he had started to tug on the hair in the back of his neck. A frown creased his brow, and she could clearly see the moment he started to open his mouth to ask why that was important.
She cut him off with a: "humour me."
There were a few moments of silence and Shinichi's eyes darted back and forward as the wheels in his mind worked on overtime. The tension slowly drained out of his features as his gaze finally settled on the cup of coffee on the table in front of him.
"I don't know, Ran. I honestly don't know why I did it," his voice was low and slow as he spoke.
She smiled softly in response. "Just tell me this, did Kuroba-kun kiss you back?"
The subsequent flush creeping up from the detective's neck was all the answer she needed, and she swallowed down the urge to hum in victory.
"I think you should go talk to him. You never know –"
"No," Shinichi interjected, his face paling once more as panic started to creep into his eyes. "I can't –"
"Shinichi."
He shut his jaw immediately with an audible 'click' at the strict tone, and another flicker of vulnerability shone in his eyes.
"If you cherish your relationship with Kuroba-kun, go speak to him before irreversible damage is done. Even if you don't know your feelings towards him, or why you kissed. Please, do it for me?" her heart fluttered in both anticipation and uncertainty on whether Shinichi would listen to her. She never wanted to see him in pain, and he seemed to be so utterly miserable right now.
All his will to fight drained out of Shinichi, and his eyes were locked onto his mug as a twirl of emotions flashed in his features. In the end, he only gave a slight nod in answer.
Ran smiled softly, and reached out to brush her fingertips gently across his cheeks, his eyes flickered up to meet hers. "No matter what happens, Shinichi, I'll be right here for you. Trust me, I'm sure Kuroba-kun could never hate you. So sweep those ideas right out of your mind, you got it?"
She received a small, tender smile in response.
…
The rushing of blood in his ears almost blocked out the knock on the door. His heart was pounding in his throat and he swallowed thickly. It was almost a week since the last time he had been here. Like the coward he was, he had fled back to his childhood home to hide, entirely too afraid to accidentally encounter Kaito if he had stayed on campus.
Shinichi had never been one to cower, choosing to rather throw himself into the midst of trouble. The fear that flooded his system was beyond anything he had felt before. For once in his life, he had chosen to avoid and hide, just so he could pretend Kaito did not hate him.
He waited for a few moments, but there was no sound from within the apartment. His heart sunk to his stomach at the realization he had forgotten to check if the magician had been home at all –or perhaps a small part of him hoped he wasn't so Shinichi could prevent the conversation from happening just a little while longer. He had made a promise to Ran, and though he did not believe in her optimism, he would never go back on his words.
He waited for a few more seconds, before he sighed and turned to leave. All those hours working up his courage to face Kaito – not to mention the half an hour or so he had spent just standing outside the door sweating, wasted.
"Shinichi?"
He stopped in his track, his throat convulsing and his heart hammering from hearing the familiar voice. He turned slowly around to watch the now open door with dread spreading in his stomach. Kaito stood in the doorway, an arm holding the door open as he peered down the corridor at the detective through the fringes of his hair. His black and blue stripped pyjamas hung low on his hips, and he wore a blue, baggy t-shirt Shinichi could have sworn had gone missing from his apartment a few weeks ago.
The magician's face was tight and carefully blank, not betraying any emotion, and Shinichi had to swallow down thickly at the sight. He opened his mouth to say something – a greeting, an apology, just anything – but nothing came from his lips.
Kaito watched him carefully for a full moment, before he lowered his gaze. "Why don't you come in?"
Rooted as Shinichi was to the floor, it took him two tries before his feet would obey his command to move. For every step he took, adrenaline started to shoot through him, and blood rushed thunderously in his ears. The fact that Kaito had not turned him away in the doorway should have felt like a victory. It did not feel like that though, as his stomach churned violently and the urge to flee prickled underneath his skin.
There was a high possibility that Kaito had only offered to let him in because the magician had only felt that he owed the detective a chance to explain, as he had done for Kaito after the episode in the hospital.
The click of the door behind him echoed forebodingly, and he kept his gaze glued to the floor as he tried to decide whether he should remove his footwear or not in case he was asked to leave within minutes.
"Why don't you sit?" Kaito spoke with a soft voice, and Shinichi's eyes finally darted in the direction of where the magician stood with his arms crossed. But rather than looking impatient, the action looked as if he was holding himself up lest he crumbled together into pieces.
"I think I'd rather stand," Shinichi replied after a moment, shoulder tensing as he did not step away from the entrance, entirely too much of a coward to step fully into the apartment.
Kaito lowered his eyes and only gave a minuscule nod, and for a second, the detective could see tears swimming in the eyes – it disappeared a moment later, so Shinichi was probably wistfully imagining things.
The silence that settled between them felt heavy and pulsating, and everything Shinichi had been rehearsing in front of the mirror had fled from his mind the moment he had laid eyes on the magician. He could not remember what he wanted to say, or what to explain, or what to apologize for. His eloquent and fast-working brain had, for the first time in his life, failed him.
"So, I –" Shinichi cleared his throat. "That is –" his voice trailed off in a bundle of a lost expressions and hesitating words as pain and panic burned in his chest.
Kaito's eyes darted back to him with a wavering expression, something dark flickered across his eyes, before he let his arms drop to his side. "Shin – Kudou," he could see the magician's swallow thickly, "I didn't know where you had gone, I was worried."
Shinichi blinked in confusion, his lips parted as he had not expected that to be the start of the conversation, nor the soft-spoken words from Kaito that was laced with a mixture of concern, guilt, and sadness. He could no longer gaze at the raw expression on his friend's face and he lowered his eyes with a fluttering heart in confusion. Kaito had been worried about him?
"I – sorry," he breathed softly, feeling floored for apologizing over the wrong issue. He had been certain that Kaito would not want to even gaze at him again. "I went – I went home."
"I see, are you alright?"
The intense eyes in his direction felt wrong, why wasn't Kaito yelling at him – accusing him of being a pervert, throwing him out? Surely he was not trying to be cruel and pretend to be sympathetic and kind? No, he shook the thought away a moment later as he knew the magician, he would never be intentionally unkind, even if Shinichi was no longer considered a friend in Kaito's head.
Guilt constricted Shinichi's throat and unbidden tears started to prickle in his eyes. "Why," he managed to wrench from his throat, it came out as a pitiful and barely audible wail. It was too damn hard to speak, and he feared if he tried, he would start crying. His lips quivered with the need to ask why are you so sympathetic and understanding and too nice even after everything I did?
Kaito flinched, and panic flickered across his face as his nostril vibrated in distress. His arms came around to hug his upper-body once more in order to shield himself and his eyes glued to the floor – and only a second too late did Shinichi realize that the magician might have misunderstood his intention behind the question.
"Cause I – dammit," the words came out in a stutter , and suddenly, defeat crumbled onto his face as deep exhaustion settled in. "It was never supposed to be like this, Shinichi. You are, you are you –"
Shinichi's heart broke all of a sudden on its own accord as it leapt into his throat. The rushing of blood was deafening and he felt nauseas as the room started to swim and pulsate in a disarray of colourful blobs. He had difficulty of comprehending as Kaito's words sunk in. Of course the magician could only feel sympathetic over the whole thing – of kissing the detective – because Shinichi was only Shinichi. Broken beyond repair, out of sync from the rest of the world, and he knew he could never change. Never become someone anyone would ever need or want. He had lost Ran, she had never really needed him.
He was simply only a part of the background, and there he would always remain, watching everyone moving on without him. He was stuck in the past, would always be stuck there, in the body of that wretched child, Edogawa Conan. Maybe he should have never taken the chance of death and returned to his body. He had been someone then, he had friends that needed him in the form of the Detective Boys, he could have had a whole new start like how Haibara had decided to. But he had clung to the belief that once he was Kudou Shinichi again, everything would return to normal. It had only been a foolish and childish dream. The world had continued for almost three years and changed without him, no one needed him anymore.
And how he yearned to be just needed by one person. He had grown to believe that Kaito could be that friend, but apparently he had been nothing but a means to waste time, nothing more than anyone else.
His legs started to shake, and he would have crumbled to the floor had he not been leaning all his weight on the cane. He should have left there and then, walked out of the magician's life for good so he could move on to someone better and Shinichi would just throw his life into his police work, as it had become apparent that was the only thing the world required of him. But instead, he was rooted to the floor, waiting for the oncoming train to run him over.
"I'm so sorry that the kiss ever happened–" Kaito continued, barely audible above the rushing of his blood, and Shinichi clenched his eyes close waiting for the inevitable words to come hissing out of the magician's mouth. Despite against everything Shinichi had done, Kaito was nothing but nice and sympathetic, and it cut painfully into his chest for the pity he imagined shinning in Kaito's features if he dared take a look.
" – and I'm in love with you."
There was a moment of silence after the outburst. Shinichi's eyes opened slowly, his breath hitching in his throat as his lungs forgot how to function. For a second, he wondered if Kaito was cruel after all and was lying to him. The idea evaporated a second later as he saw the raw emotion on the magician's face.
There was nothing but horror – over letting the words escape his lips – and trembling fear that Shinichi would turn and walk away there and then without a single word in reply.
Shinichi's mouth dried up and his tongue felt thick in his mouth as his mind had shattered into a thousand chaotic pieces. There was something in the magician's face that told the detective that he was telling the naked truth, and his heart fluttered in surprise and confusion. Love? Kaito loved him? The very idea felt ludicrous and wrong – how could Kaito ever love him? They had barely been acquainted for a little under a year – the two years as Kaitou KID and Edogawa Conan did not count as they had never tried being anything but adversaries in their game of cat and mouse.
"But –"
He stuttered out his confusion. It felt unreal that someone as amazing and witty as Kaito could ever love someone like him. Someone broken and emotionally constipated. Someone carrying so much baggage to cripple any possibly romantic relationship. He had been perfectly fine just having him as a best friend for the remainder of his life.
Kaito let out a hollow laugh, and his eyes were empty and filled with self-loath as he raked his hand through his hair. "I know – I'm a guy, and you are not attracted to men. Typical me to be born the wrong gender," he tried a small grin to lift up the dark and gloomy atmosphere over them, but it fell flat as Kaito looked be ready to cry.
"There is –" Shinichi swallowed thickly, the magician's words finally producing a startled reaction from the detective as he suddenly realized why Kaito looked so desolate and lost. "There is nothing wrong with you being a guy," he managed to finish his sentence in his rush, his heart fluttering in his chest, remembering Kaito's fear of being pushed away all those weeks ago when he finally confessed his sexuality to Shinichi. He had never minded, not one bit, and the fact Kaito seemed disappointed and crestfallen at the fact made his heart ache for different reasons. He felt rather out of sync, as if the two of them were currently having two completely different conversations. One where Kaito thought Shinichi hated him for certain aspects of the whole ordeal, and vice versa.
It was then Shinichi realized how true his words rang: he had not been freaking out over the repulsion of kissing someone of the same gender – rather he had been more worried over the fact that it had been Kaito. The realization that the thought had not even registered before should have sent is stomach into a turmoil. He had never considered in the past whether he could be attracted to someone of the same gender before – it was topic that had never been applicable before now, and so it had never crossed his mind to contemplate the possibility.
The clear look on the magician's face indicated that the issue of Shinichi's perceived sexuality was one of the reasons he thought Shinichi was avoiding him.
Shinichi suddenly staggered as confusion washed through him, if Kaito thought the detective was mad at him, and he thought the same of the magician. Then where exactly did they stand in the grand scheme of things? In whose corner stood the naked truth? He was lost for words, lost on how to react, and Kaito did not let slip his emotions through his flat expression.
Not knowing what else to do, he held out his hand. Kaito went taut for a brief moment, his eyes flickering across Shinichi's in a scrutinizing gaze, whatever he found on the detective's features, Shinichi did not know. Hesitantly, he took a step towards Shinichi, almost as though he was afraid the detective would change his mind and bolt if he made any sudden movements.
It felt like an eternity before Kaito finally stepped into touching distance – though it probably had only lasted for scant seconds. The magician reached out slowly to grasp his fingers gently around Shinichi's outstretched hand. The tips of his fingers felt light and wavering as though he was expecting to be seared any moment now. As their skin touched, a jolt of warmth crackled across Shinichi's skin from the impact.
"Shinichi?" Kaito spoke with a soft voice as he peered through the fringes of his hair, and the detective was suddenly struck again with the repeated thought of how beautiful the magician was.
Shinichi curled his fingers around Kaito's grip and suddenly yanked him forwards – Kaito followed willingly, and he could clearly see when he stopped breathing as hope and fear swam in his eyes. The detective's heart fluttered in a mixture of panic and anticipation. He was not sure what he was doing, or what thoughts followed the action.
He reflected on what he felt towards Kaito. Was he physical attracted to him? Anyone could appreciate Kaito's good looks. What about romantic attraction? He acknowledged how his heart tend to speed up whenever they were close, or when Kaito would give that one special smile that he knew the magician only sent in his direction. He enjoyed Kaito's presence immensely, had never met anyone who could keep up with him in both wits and intellectual. Shinichi always looked forward to spending time with him again, and he could not imagine continuing on with his life without Kaito by his side.
Shinichi let go of his cane, and it rattled across the floor as gravity took hold. He ignored the protest of his bad leg at the sudden loss of stability, and he reached out his now free hand to Kaito's neck, letting his fingers brush against the soft hair, and a visible shiver shuddered through the magician. The detective leaned their foreheads together and his eyes drifted close at the sudden proximity.
Kaito's breath ghosted across Shinichi's cheek. His heart fluttered again like a thousand wild butterflies had just burst out of him. He felt utterly at peace right now, as though he had finally come home from the war. Edogawa Conan vanished from his mind for the last time. Just maybe, if he could have this, then everything that had happened for the last two years since the fall of the black organisation would finally be fixed and he would stop living with the what if's.
"Kaito," his voice came out almost inaudible and just as a puff of air. "Of course I would never mind what gender you were, you daft moron. When have I ever cared for what is perceived as morally right or unethical in our society? Love can never be wrong or inappropriate."
He could feel Kaito's hesitant and hopeful expression even with his eyes closed, and through the link of their clasped palms, Shinichi could feel the magician shaking slightly. "You don't hate me?"
A soft chuckle bobbled in his throat and escaped as a puff of warm air. "It's impossible to hate you. Wouldn't be able to even if I tried." Shinichi let his eyes drift open, and was met with the sight of a Kaito's eyes glittering with warmth and humour. A smile twitched on his lips – and the detective could swear Kaito could hear the strong hammering of Shinichi's heart. A warmth tingled through him – the day had already gone in a different direction that he had thought – or unconsciously hoped it would go. The possibility of happy ending had never occurred to him even once.
He did not know how he felt towards the magician for certain. If someone had asked him a week ago he would have brushed them off as a bad joke. But now? At one point the last ten months, Kaito had become the most important person in his life. The thought of losing him was terrifying – he had been an utter mess the last week when he believed that he had.
What action should he take now? He recognized that the ball was in his corner. The magician had opened up and poured his heart out, and it was up to Shinichi to decide what happened next. Suddenly, the tension and stress drained out of him and exhaustion settled into his bones as he sagged forwards. Immediately warm hands wrapped around him, keeping him upright.
A small smile twitched on Shinichi's lips as he realized something he had never noticed before. Kaito had always been there to catch him – be it being thrown out of a blimp or staggering for different reasons, the magician had never hesitated. And where Shinichi had approach the idea of forming a friendship with Kaito with reluctance, the magician had gone in with his heart on his sleeve, taking the risk of being turned away for his efforts.
Kuroba Kaito was an extraordinary person. He was everything Shinichi was not. He had been able to leave his past in the past and managed to gaze forwards and form connections with new people as he smiled his way through life. He might still have cracks in his soul but he was healing, and suddenly Shinichi wanted that with all his heart. He wanted to be whole again, to interact with the world rather than watching from the side lines. And to do it with Kaito by his side.
"Don't leave me."
He did not notice he had spoken with such desperation until Kaito tighten his grip around the detective as he murmured his reply into his hair – he had fully understood the true meaning behind Shinichi's anguish.
"Never."
This time, when Shinichi tilted his head to brush his lips against Kaito's, the kiss was soft and sweet and without urgency. He sighed into the kiss. His heart fluttered with a warmth he had never let himself analyse the meaning off, and the thought 'finally home' echoed in his head. He was finally on the road to recovery, and this time he would not be alone – and he could finally let himself fall in love with someone completely. The one thing he had been craving for so long: to belong.
"Is that my shirt you are wearing?" he murmured against the lips as they came up for air, his fingers curling into the fabric of the magician's shirt. He could feel the grin spread across Kaito's features, and his voice was lit with giddiness and tenderness when he responded. The arms around Shinichi tightened its grip to convey a double meaning of his words.
"Finders keepers, Meitantei."
…
The end, until next time.