Cht 6

Baby steps

Enjoying a beautiful long day of grooming, walking and riding her chestnut stallion, Root returns back to the lodge in the late afternoon to find Shaw napping in the bedroom. Walking closer, and crawling up onto the bed towards her, Root picks up her clinical manual, meaning to place it on the bedside table, only separate pieces of paper fall and flutter from it, down onto the bed.

Picking up a set, they were medical journals on emotional attachment, PTSD and EAP. Parts of the articles were highlighted in marker pen...

'Equine assisted therapy is beneficial to treating PTSD as horses are similar to humans, they breed together and have a dynamic similar to families.'

Waking from the movements shaking the bed, Shaw reaches out to touch Root on the arm as she continues to sit beside her on the bed scanning over the articles.

Hurt and caught off guard, Root is still not sure how to process these new pieces of information as she swipes away at Shaw's approaching hand. A moment of silence fills the room before Root very lowly, and too calmly, "you set me up? Is this an intervention Shaw?!" As Root's voice gets gradually angrier and louder. "Everything is fake, a pretence? A game? Answer me!" As Root swipes Shaw's embrace away again as Shaw tries to calm her. In a moment of blind fury, "is the marriage fake too?" Root spits out, and instantly regrets it as she registers the magnitude of her own words. Root's own heart starts to sink as her eyes widen at watching Shaw's expression drop from concern to hurt.

Time passes, slowly, as Root nervously bites her bottom lip, full of regret.

Shaw continued to remain still, her gaze only looking down, unmoving, despondent...

The silent seconds turn into years for Root as she continues to wish she could turn back time...

"Sameen, I..." Root cuts herself off as she sits up and panics watching Shaw swing her legs to the side of the bed and starts to walk away. Shaking in desperation as Shaw is now by the bedroom door, "I'm... Sorry, Sameen, please don't go" as Root's eyes begin to well up.

So low it was barely a whisper, but Shaw hears it. Shaw always hears Root. Having stopped, back still turned away from Root, Shaw drops her hand from the door handle.

"I can't... I don't... Please don't leave" Root pleads lowly trying to contain herself, but an unruly tear falls from her eye. "I can't do this without you..."

Shaw's heaving becomes less as she forces herself to calm, her shoulders dropping, her hands uncurling from a fist, her anger subsiding. Shaw was always only good at being angry.

"Sameen..."

And Root jumps, her tears also retreating from the shock as Shaw spins round and stalks back furiously and quickly back towards her. Towering as she stands over Root and the bed...

"Shut up!" Shaw barks. "I'm not leaving you you idiot, when will you get that? I'm here because I choose to be here. This isn't a dream, and this isn't a game" as Shaw waves her arms furiously in frustration. "I'm real. You're real. We're here. We're married. We're alive." Shaw pauses as she breathes heavily trying to control herself, trying to calm... Finally calming, Shaw's eyes softens as she reflects upon herself, "I can't ever feel what you're feeling, Root. I can't ever give you the emotional support, the security you need... And I want you to have it."

"Sameen, you're all I want..." As Root sits up and makes a grab for Shaw, only Shaw counters and places both hands on Root's arms, gripping them, and holding her tight.

"No. It's. Not" Shaw continues to frustrate while looking through Root. "It's normal that you want more. Security, family, emotional crap. But to you it's not crap, is it?" As Shaw continues to look right through Root. "I'll never leave you, Root, you can tell me things. I might not always like it, but you can tell me" as Shaw finishes chasing Root's gaze, which has now wandered off to the side.

"You can't promise that, you don't know if you'll always come..." Root stops, not wanting to brooch that subject, it was too painful.

Lifting her hand and showing Root her ring, "fine" Shaw answers, calmly. "If this thing means nothing to you" as Shaw takes the ring off her finger and strides towards the open window, "then I don't need it either" as Shaw throws it, with such force, out the window.

"Nooooo!" Root screams as she jumps from the bed and strides towards Shaw and up onto the window ledge. Looking out across the short lawn, Root panics as her line of sight connects with the Lake. 'How far did she throw the ring?' As Root's tears return and start to fall abundantly and out of control. Not able to spot the ring, and needing to get out of the room, Root spins around quickly intending to head out and search for the ring.

Just as Root takes a second step, she is tugged back, her wrist clasped by Shaw stopping her.

Shaw lifts her head and looks straight at Root, Root's every falling tear also hurting Shaw. "Root," Shaw states simply in a continued calm tone, "I'm right here" as Shaw finishes by staring intensely at Root, burning through her again.

Sniffling, panting, "I know," as Root continues to try calm and control herself, failing...

"You can tell me things Root. I'm not always going to agree with you, but you can tell me. You keep saying you're OK, but you're clearly not. Yesterday you let your horse throw you because you panicked at what you thought was a gun shot. You're a much better rider than that. You could have handled it." Shaw pauses to gauge Root's reaction. "You want to tell me you want more, for us... But at the same time, you're too scared to. I'm not going to run away because I've tired of you. I want to be here. Here! Root, with you. Whether it's that ring or the marriage, those things don't matter if you don't believe it. They're just objects."

"I..." But Root is lost for words.

"You're right, I can't promise I'll always come back. Neither can you. And I don't want to live without you either" as Shaw watches Root's eyes widen at these words, "you're kinda annoying that way" Shaw finishes teasingly, and lightening the mood as Root finally smiles. "We nearly lost each other, we can't control that, and we're in a dangerous line of work. So... Let's move."

Blinking away her tears and shaking, "what are you saying? Sameen, what are you saying?"

"You don't want to lose me, I don't want to live without you. It's time to move on."

"Wh..." But Root can't get the words out as her head, and world, spins out of control trying to decipher what Shaw was saying to her. "Wh..." Root tries again, again in a whisper, again failing.

"I've already talked to the boys, they'll support our decision, whatever it is."

Her mouth shaking as she closes it, trying to stop her tears, sniffling, Root just nods at Shaw.

With a long exhale of relief, Shaw smiles before wiping away the tears from Root's cheek and pulling her in to embrace her tight...

Later that evening Shaw catches her phone buzz... 'Stage 3 complete'.

Waking up, Shaw opens her eyes to an empty side of the bed...

'Where could it be?' As Root continues to run her hands over the lawn, 'she can't have thrown it that far...' Before looking up and out, 'the lake's too far away' as Root whips her head back down and continues running her hand over the lawn, pushing the fearful thought out of her mind. After hours of searching, Root was exhausted and leans back to sit on her butt, pouting, 'Sameen...' She continues to frustrate before a shadow suddenly appears over her, blocking out the slow rising sun. Looking up to the dark figure, Root catches Shaw's questioning gaze looking back down on her.

"What..." As Shaw looks around Root, "are you doing, Root? It's cold, and it's far too early to be out of bed."

"The ring," Root replies as she looks away from Shaw, even her voice was still full of regret.

"Root, it's just a piece of metal" Shaw shrugs.

Looking down on the lawn, Root couldn't help but continue to look, getting back up on her knees and continuing to brush her hands across the grass, searching, determined.

"Root!" Shaw calls with a bit more force.

"I know," as Root looks up at Shaw, "but..."

Shaw looks expectantly back, waiting for Root to finish her sentence.

In a low tone, "it's the first gift you bought me" as Root looks away again.

So this is what it's like to feel guilty, as Shaw flinches as she thinks back through the years of having not ever once bought Root a gift. Not even when they moved into their first apartment. "Well technically, I bought my ring for myself."

"Shaw!" Root's eyes starting to tear up from the frustration, from Shaw's lack of concern for her wedding ring.

"You stole the other one" as Shaw continues to tease in amusement.

"This isn't funny" as Root begins to pout, a few tears leaking from her eyes.

Shaw stretches out her hand, "come on, its too early for this, let's go back to bed."

Root reaches up and lets Shaw pull her up and into her. Root was pulled up with so much force that her body bumps into Shaw's. Now standing upright, Root feels Shaw's strong arm curl around her while the other wipes away her fallen tears before moving in to kiss Root.

Root leans down and deepens the kiss, pushing her hands over Shaw's ass and pushing Shaw further into her own body as their tongues start to fight for dominance... Root's eyes suddenly fly open as she breaks the kiss and moves her hand up and around Shaw's waistband.

Realising what Root felt, Shaw tries to pull away, quickly, only Root has already hooked both her hands over Shaw's cotton shorts waistband, and is pulled this time by Root, with such force Shaw bumps back into Root's body. Keeping an iron grip around Shaw's waistband with one hand, Root quickly moves her free hand and slides it down the front of the shorts and into the pocket, pulling out the offending item, "you!" As Root's eyes widen in fury, and thumps Shaw, lightly, on the chest. Root's heart having already long melted, had no heart left to really hurt Shaw.

Grabbing Root's wrist to stop her from continuing to thump her chest, Shaw continues to look back at Root in continued amusement.

Between pouting, sobbing and loving her, "Sameen, that's not funny! I've been out here for hours! I didn't sleep at all waiting for daylight!"

Silence.

It's not as if it was Root's own fault they were out there in the first place.

Continued silence.

Root continues to try wriggle her wrists free from Shaw's iron grip as they continue to gaze at each other, Shaw unrelenting, Root turning to water.

Finally breaking the silence, "so can we go back inside yet?" Shaw pleads as she feels the goosebumps starting to form over her exposed legs as the wind kicks up and blows through them.

Root relents, and lets Shaw guide them back inside the lodge, back to their room.

"Sameen" Root calls in a soft low tone. Serious.

Shaw turns around and looks straight at Root.

"This was our first fight," Root pauses as Shaw nods and waits for Root to continue, "can we... Not fight like that again?"

Shaw nods again, still gazing at Root, agreeing.

Walking up to Shaw and embracing her, Root whispers in her ear, "I want to go home."

"Hey Sweetie, get up" as Root brushes a loose strand of hair from Gen's cheek to behind her ear.

Whining, pulling her blanket over her head and turning over, "sleep... Need... Sleep..."

Chuckling softly, "OK then, I'll just tell Shaw to eat all the bacon pancakes then"

"What?!" As Gen jolts from the bed, "maple syrup and chocolate sauce?!"

Grimacing a little at the odd combination, Root rejoices in seeing Gen rise from her bed, hair tangled, eyes still shut and her pyjamas dishevelled. 'Wonder if she'll burst into flames if I draw open the curtains?' Root continues to muse to herself.

Watching Root sit up from the bed and start to walk out of the room, "Root?"

Root turns back around to look at Gen.

"Are you... Gonna be OK?" Gen asks lowly.

Moving to sit back on the bed, Root cups Gen's cheek, "I will be... Sorry for scaring you, Sweetie."

Nodding, Gen looks down onto her blanket as Root gets up to leave again. "Root?"

Now at Gen's bedroom door, Root turns to look back, "Mom..." Gen calls before quickly looking away again, apprehensive.

Smiling at Gen's head, "I know Sweetie, I love you too" as she opens the door while Gen's head snaps up and catches Root's smile. "Now get up, we're leaving in an hour!"

Gen jumps out of bed to chase after Root, and to steal back the pancakes from Shaw.

Arriving back into NYC, Root finds Shaw driving into a different and quiet area quite a distance from their apartment, "Sameen, are we visiting Harry, it's that way" as Root looks to the direction she was implying.

Just then Shaw pulls up by the kerb and turns off the engine before hopping out.

Gen does the same, and as she jumps from the SUV to the side walk, Shaw throws Gen the car keys, "grab the bags kid."

"What?! Child labour!" Gen fights back in exasperation.

Shaw steps into Gen's personal space and looks down at her.

Inhaling and widening her eyes as she realises what Shaw was asking, Gen nods and then moves away to the trunk, popping it open.

"Sameen?" As Root moves around the car to the side walk next to Shaw.

Shaw looks at Root, then grabs her arm and tugs her up the steps to the front door while Gen smiles as she sits in the trunk and swings her legs, waiting. Bear having leaped from the back seat into the trunk to sit next to her, both waiting while the other two have their moment as they sit basking in the pollution and convoluted assortment of noise coming from everywhere from the trash cans being disturbed by the cats, the neighbours leaving for work, a cyclist ringing his bell as he whizzes past and even an elderly woman shouting at the vendor down the street. It's great to be back in the hustle and bustle of New York.

Standing in front of the door, and to Root's surprise, Shaw hands her a key.

With a half smile, Root takes the key and unlocks the front door before pushing it open.

Shaw then grabs Root's arm to stop her from walking in. "You know, there's a tradition here."

Root looks at Shaw and smiles in amusement, tilting her head... Which then slowly corrects itself again as Root's smile also straightens back out. Root's expression changing as she watches Shaw lift her arms.

"Any time now Root" Shaw continues to tease, holding up her arms and looking at her.

Pouting, Root slaps Shaw in the chest before Shaw grabs Root's arm and pulls her in. Scooping her up, Shaw carries Root over the threshold.

Putting Root down in the middle of an empty room in front of the windows looking over the park, "Sameen" Root drawls, "this is our first home together" as she finishes beaming.

As they stand in the empty room in front of the window kissing, caught in their own moment...

Thud, bang, clatter, bang, thud...

The kiss is broken by Root's smile as she instead leans her head on Shaw's, Shaw who's also only gazing back at Root.

Having hit the suitcases off the walls, front door and then dropping them onto the floor just inside the door of their home. "Is it safe to come in?" Gen calls with one eye peeking open, the other still tightly closed, "or do I have to pretend I'm in a different world where my parents aren't..." Shaking her head, "Ewww, yuck..." As Gen continues to grimace trying not to go there.

"Woof, woof" as Bear stands beside Shaw, calling her. Seeing the two statues unmoving, Bear goes to investigate the new apartment with Gen as he scurries away, scratch, scratch, scratch... As Bear's nails and paws hit the now not so new wooden floors.

From a short distance away, a muffled, "I've found my room!" Is heard, followed by "woof, woof..."

"Sameen?" As Root continues to gaze at Shaw.

"Hmm?" As Shaw continues to gaze at Root.

"I love you."