Chapter One: Secret Selves

"Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka stopped in his tracks, pulling the pre-genin's written assignments to his chest to keep from spilling them.

The sudden rain had caused a cancellation of field practice for Iruka's students, which meant he was going to be grading late into the night, again.

Kakashi didn't move back from the point where they had almost collided in the doorway to the chunin's classroom.

Iruka looked down at the umbrella in his hand. "I was just leaving."

"Can I walk you home, sensei?"

Iruka blinked. He looked at the papers in his arm, and then out the classroom window at the rain. "If you carry the umbrella."

Kakashi silently held out his hand to take the black umbrella from Iruka.

They walked quietly down the village street. A young boy ran past, caught in the rain between two places. Iruka smiled. "How's Naruto's training going?"

Kakashi's face was blank, his grey eye emotionless. "We had to cancel training today."

Iruka looked up, beyond the umbrella, "I never knew rain to stop Naruto."

Kakashi's eye moved to him and then back to the road. "It's not because of the rain, sensei."

"So something happened." Iruka went quiet again, glancing occasionally at the other people on the street, wondering what they thought about the pair walking past.

Kakashi seemed focused on putting one foot in front of the other, his free hand lazily tucked in his pocket, all thought about getting to Iruka's door.

Iruka found his key, rolling it between his fingers for a moment. "It's cold, sensei, would you like to come in for tea?"

Kakashi gave the smallest nod.

Iruka unlocked the door and stepped inside, toeing off his shoes, as Kakashi closed the umbrella and followed him in.

As soon as the door was closed, the wet umbrella hit the floor without care, and Iruka found himself pressed against the wall of his hallway, the papers falling around them with a thousand flutters.

Iruka's hands flew into silver hair, finding the knot of his hitai-ate. Normally, he'd be furious enough to demand Kakashi pick up every paper, but this wasn't normal. Nothing about this was.

Iruka couldn't remember how they got here.

In his bed, shedding clothes, mouths crashing, hands roaming.

Iruka knew better than to ask why this was happening. That would come later.

Everyone thought Kakashi Hatake was a mystery, quiet and strong, an emotionless, analytical soldier. That wasn't true at all. To Iruka he was as high strung as a child with a temper tantrum. In private Kakashi was a needy, desperate soul clutching to whatever human interaction he could get.

So Iruka gave it to him. He gave himself to him.

"Been awhile?" Kakashi asked kindly.

"You were the last," Iruka answered truthfully.

Kakashi smiled and lowered himself to Iruka's ear, kissing his jaw and neck. "I'll start slow then."

Iruka's head flew back with a gasp. His fingers dug into the jonin's shoulders. Kakashi's tongue swept across the skin at the bend of a tan neck in apology before sucking softly.

"Kashi," Iruka panted, pushing back against the stronger man's movements, urging him on. Kakashi's thrusts grew faster, their breath coming out in hard pants and quiet moans. Their bodies sweating and moving against one another in rough desperation.

Iruka's hands slid down, holding Kakashi's arms, squeezing the muscles underneath his skin. He moaned loudly dropping his head back again as Kakashi found the perfect angle for their hips.

Kakashi raised his head and stared down with mismatched eyes.

"How long had he been using the sharingan?" He reached up, grabbing the back of his head and a fistful of silver hair, pulling him down, lips crashing together.

Both of Kakashi's eyes slid closed, their tongues moving against each other between breathy moans. Kakashi laid his forehead over Iruka's, the two panting together. His arm slid under tan shoulders, holding the warm body even closer, his other hand snaking down between them.

Both of them moaned into completion.

Kakashi's head moved down, dropping onto Iruka's shoulder, his body trembling as he let out a sob.

Iruka quickly untangled himself as much as he could. He wrapped his arms around the pale body and stoked his hair gently.

"Someone's died." The last time he'd seen the jonin like this was after he'd lost a fellow veteran AMBU member he hadn't seen in years.

This was more urgent though. Someone who meant more to him.

Iruka craned his neck to kiss a temple covered in silver hair. "I'm here," he said quietly.

Kakashi relaxed, sprawling over him. "As- Asuma…"

Iruka gasped in shock, and quickly held Kakashi tighter. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Kashi, I'm here."

How was Iruka going to grade those papers tonight?

Eventually Kakashi took a deep breath and buried his face in Iruka's neck. The academy instructor was still absent-mindedly stroking his hair. They were still and quiet. Iruka was staring up at his ceiling. Maybe after Kakashi fell asleep he could sneak downstairs and grade the papers with some time left to get some sleep himself.

If he couldn't get through them tonight he'd have to apologize to his students and look so disorganized and unprofessional. No, they needed to be graded tonight.

"I love you." Kakashi's voice was hoarse and quiet, barely above a whisper, but in the silence of the bedroom it was as clear as if he'd shouted.

Iruka paused, his hand stopped moving in the jonin's hair for just a second before he smiled. "You said that last time." It had been more shocking before and Iruka had had the stupidity to hope the words true only to find his bed empty by the time he came back from the bathroom.

Kakashi was too emotionally unpredictable. He might feel that way right now, but in an hour?

"I meant it then too," Kakashi said, his face still buried in Iruka's shoulder.

Iruka didn't want to dismiss him, or belittle him. Kakashi might love him, right now, but tomorrow, in a week, in a month? He was a very guarded man, he didn't open up to others emotionally, even now with Iruka, it was only after a tragedy he couldn't digest on his own. Iruka was a coping mechanism, a warm body to exhaust him and comfort him in secret.

Kakashi could love him, but Iruka would never know it until another moment like this one.

So Iruka held his tongue.

"You think I'm lying?" Kakashi raised his head to look at the man underneath him.

"No," Iruka answered. He didn't say anything else. His arm fell to his side.

Kakashi's grey eye looked over Iruka's face. "I love you," he said again.

Iruka tried hard to keep his face blank, knowing that Kakashi wasn't just looking at him, he was watching him, even with his sharingan eye closed.

"I heard you," he replied calmly. He wouldn't get hurt this time. He wouldn't let the slick talking jonin work up his heart into a hopeless romantic's wet dream and then completely break him in a matter of hours.

"Iruka," Kakashi said quietly. It sounded like there was more he wanted to say.

Iruka just stared at the beauty mark on his chin. He reached his hand up to touch the jaw usually hidden by the copy-nin's mask. "I know."

Kakashi dropped down catching Iruka's mouth again. If the kiss was meant to be gentle, it wasn't. Kakashi's tongue moved almost desperately against Iruka's, willing him to believe him.

To Iruka this was just further evidence to keep himself guarded from the jonin emotionally.

He knew Kakashi needed him, not all the time, just in sporadic moments of heartache. That was okay with him, but to pretend this was anything else did them both a disservice.

Iruka was vaguely aware it was four in the morning when he was finally able to untangle himself from the sleeping Kakashi. He made his way to the bathroom to clean himself up some before walking downstairs in his boxers and a sleeveless undershirt.

He sighed looking at the mess in his hall, bending down to collect all his students' papers and place the umbrella in the stand by the door.

He walked into his kitchen, turning on the light, wincing for a second, and sat down at the table. Maybe he could get through them fast enough, he'd just have to grade harsher than he had intended to.

He reached the last paper as he heard his alarm clock ringing upstairs. With a sigh and a great deal of effort he lifted his tired body from his chair and up the stairs.

He tried hard to prepare himself when he opened his bedroom door, but his heart still sank to see his bed empty.

He turned off the alarm and left to go shower and get ready for work. He wondered if Kakashi was going back to help Naruto with training, or maybe Asuma's funeral was today. Wherever the jonin was, it wasn't Iruka's concern.

His problem now was facing his students without any sleep.