February 9, 2006 12:00 pm

"Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador too." Yakko Warner hummed in his sleep. Unaware of the late hour, Yakko slumbered through all the mid day distractions. Not the blinding sunlight shining over his head, the tweeting blue bird outside his window, or even the booming sounds of his siblings roughhousing downstairs, could wake him. Yakko's mind was too deep in a crazy dream. Inside his subconscious, Yakko watched himself from third person perspective, explore Wackyland with his siblings. All around them, creatures Yakko liked to call 'living puns' aimlessly scurried about the abstract landscape. Then the scenery changed to a more familiar concrete setting. Yakko slipped down a spiraling checkered slide that dropped him into the set of his most famous cartoon.

"And now, the nations of the world, brought to you by Yakko Warner." A disembodied voice announced. Yakko knew the routine better than the back of his hand. So he didn't hesitate to pose and dance on cue when his name was called. Without error, Yakko sang out the nations' names and pointed to every one of them. However, during the first musical break Yakko glanced away from the map, and realized something was very wrong. Beyond the map's blue background, a thick blackness covered the set. Yakko stopped dancing, and the music slowed; mimicking Yakko's weariness. The lights, camera, crane-truck, mics, and even the humans were all lost from his sight.

"Hello?" Yakko beckoned into the darkness. "Rob? Rusty?" No answer came. Suddenly a distant blood red light poured down on Yakko, painting all his features the same color. Up where the rafters would be, a doorway seemed to open and a stout human silhouette shouted to him.

"That's enough!" The human barked. He held his flat palm horizontally, and raised it over his head. "I've had it up to here with the damage you three caused! You're too dangerous to keep around here another minute!" Yakko glanced side to side for his siblings, but they were absent. Then he stared at the mystery man again.

"Exqueeze me, but uhhhhhh... There's only one of me." Yakko corrected.

"Get off my studio lot!" The man hollered. Suddenly what remained of the set shattered to pieces. Like a bullet through a window, the map exploded in jagged debri. Yakko hit the deck, dodging most of the multicolored shards. He slammed his face to the floor and covered his eyes. When the screeching sounds of glass sliding on glass ceased, Yakko lifted his head off the floor. But now he found not even the wreckage remained. All he could see was himself, the red doorway, the silhouette, and darkness. From the man's left, he pulled over a cannon on wheels. At that moment all chances of the man intimidating Yakko were turned to dust. Yakko couldn't help snickering at the display. The stranger tried to scare him with a hellish red glow, and now he prepared to get rid of Yakko in the most cartoony way possible. Yakko shrugged, deciding to humor the man. 'We all gotta get knocked down some time.' Yakko thought casually. 'Unless you're the Road Runner.' He considered.

The blast seemed imminent until the shadows of a scrawny arm holding up a giant mallet appeared in the doorway. For a moment the arm held the mallet over the cannon man, as if giving a silent warning. When the man dramatically showed off a lighter, the arm swung the mallet down, smashing the man into a pancake with shoes. Yakko breathed a surprised laugh. Next the arm picked up the flattened man, rolled him up, shoved him in the canon, and fired. A booming clap shook the atmosphere as a screaming contrail soared from the canon. Yakko sensed the impact of volume breaking through the dead, still air. The human cannonball soared higher and higher, until a single white star twinkled on the pitch black ceiling; symbolizing that he had blasted off out of sight.

Above Yakko, the blood red doorway brightened into a gentle white glow. Yakko studied the doorway curiously. Judging by the movements of the shadows, someone else was very active up there. The arm moved the two hundred pound cannon off to the right with only the force of a pointing finger. Then unknown toon who possessed the arm, sidestepped into the doorway. Yakko immediately identified the form as a long eared rabbit. While resting the mallet on his shoulder, the rabbit poked at something outside the cropped light. The white doorway dimmed to grey, and lowered like an elevator down to Yakko's level. He even heard a faint 'ding' when the doorway regained its brightness, and let the rabbit out. But then the doorway flashed away in the dark, and Yakko couldn't see the silhouetted rabbit anywhere. Finally with every last spark of light gone and no one to talk to, Yakko began to fear the darkness, silence, and loneliness. Yakko gulped before attempting to reach out to the rabbit; hoping he was still in existence.

"Hello?" Yakko voiced cautiously. Some paces away, a golden spotlight clicked on. Naturally Yakko approached it. But before he could enter the lighted ring, a hind paw slid its way in. Yakko measured up the stranger from his white toes to his tall ears. He tried to calm himself but he was still too frightened to believe his luck. Bugs Bunny seemed to understand, placing a comforting hand on the quivering toon's shoulder. Both of them stepped under the spotlight.

"I'll take it from here, Doc." Bugs assured. Yakko blinked at him. That was the shock of reality that woke him up. Heavy eyelids shot open, then swiftly closed to block out the overbearing sunlight. Yakko pulled his turquoise blanket over his head, internally groaning. He should have realized he was only dreaming, and woken up hours ago. But he just had to see how that dream would end. The doorknob twisted on the opposite side of the room. Yakko glanced at his digital alarm clock, before shutting his eyes. 'Gee, noon and someone just now decides to wake me up?' To Yakko's surprise though, it wasn't Wakko or Dot at the door. Instead the Oscar winning wascally wabbit himself, poked his head in.

"Rise n' shine, Doc." Yakko met the rabbit's eyes with genuine surprise. Not because seeing Bugs was anything unusual. The Warners resided in his mansion after all. Yakko just didn't expect the rabbit to be home at this hour. It was Yakko's understanding that Bugs was currently overbooked with rehearsals for the 'Baby Looney Tunes' series, and didn't have much time to goof off with his three charges. 'Who knew a demographic o' toddlahs could be so demanding?' Bugs once commented.

"What's going on?" Yakko yawned, sitting up in bed.

"A raincheck." Bugs stated halfheartedly. "Wanna catch lunch?"

"Oh, yeah." Yakko hesitated, still a little confused. Bugs let himself in the room.

"Too late for breakfast, but not in da mood for lunch." The rabbit assessed. "What to do?" He paced back and forth, pretending to be in deep thought. "I guess we'll just have to settle for ice cream. If yer up for it, dat is."

"I'm up!" Yakko exclaimed. The Warner cloaked himself in his turquoise blanket and dashed into his closet. A moment later, the Warner emerged in his trademark khakis and belt.

"Alright, head out to da garden before your bruddah eats his own stomach bag-Ahh! Gasp!" Bugs yelped. Yakko's attention anxiously darted to the hall. A sickly green coated little rabbit stumbled into Yakko's room. The poor toon slouched forward with his ears drooped flat against his cheeks. His blue eyes hardly opened.

"Hi, Uncle Bugs." The young rabbit sniffed.

"Clyde! What's da matter wit' ya?" Bugs cried. Kneeling down, he grasped his nephew's shoulder and felt his forehead. Relieved to detect no fever, Bugs released him. "Dat ain't your usual color." Bugs perceived more calmly.

"I'm sick." Clyde whined. Bugs wrapped his only ink relative in his arms to carry him. Clyde latched his arms around Bugs' neck, in need of the warmth and comfort.

"I knew dere was a reason I shoulda stood home." Bugs sighed. "Sorry ta get your hopes up, Doc." Bugs apologized to Yakko, as a last thought before leaving the bedroom. Yakko watched the rabbits disappear up the hall.

"It's okay." The Warner mumbled to himself, despite feeling empty inside. Meanwhile, Bugs carried the unnaturally green bunny around the corner, to the kit's bedroom on the outer wall. On this particular floor, the spacious bedrooms, plus their personal bathrooms and walk in closets, shared walls in a cube shape. The hallway stretched around the three neighboring bedrooms. Wakko's was the only one that didn't have a window. While the entrances to the Warners' rooms were all on the left side of the square hallway, Bugs' and Clyde's two rooms were on the right. Bugs pushed the familiar chestnut door open. Turning on a light, Bugs' feet tread over dark red shag carpet, and the rabbits' shadows cast over blue walls. All of the wooden furniture in the room was fit for Clyde, except for his full sized bed. Bugs gently tucked the small rabbit under the covers. Clyde tried to rest, closing his eyes. However, simply breathing was a burden, that kept him from relaxing. Bugs stroked a hand over his nephew's laid back ears, taking in Clyde's reddened nose, heavy mouth breathing, and miserable expression.

"Anyt'ing I can get for ya, Clyde?" Bugs asked.

"What'd ya say to Yakko, Uncle Bugs?" Clyde queried. Bugs' whiskers twitched curiously. Answering a question with another question, seemed suspicious of Clyde. Especially since that was a tactic Bugs taught him, to get his way. Something was up.

"I told 'im we could go out for ice cream." Bugs played along. "But I gotta take care of you foist." Clyde ducked half his face under the blankets to cover a sneeze.

"Did ya promise him, Uncle Bugs?" Clyde inquired.

"No. Just offered." Bugs answered.

"You should still go." Clyde insisted, opening his eyes. The sickly rabbit showed a brief spark of energy in his eyes. His intentions were clear to Bugs now.

"You want me ta bring ya back a carrot smoothie?" Bugs deduced.

"Well, since you offered." The green rabbit witted. 'Sly bunny.' Bugs thought. Not that he would fall for the ploy.

"Now Clyde, you're greener den Witch Hazel. I ain't leavin' ya home all by yer lonesome." Bugs affirmed.

"Oh, please Uncle Bugs?" Clyde pleaded. He held his throat, and forced a tiny wheeze. Not a second later, Bugs submitted to his stronger instincts, to spoil his nephew with his every desire.

"Alright. But if I come back ta find dis place in shambles, yer grounded 'til yer parents get back from Peru." Bugs warned.

"I don't have any parents, Uncle Bugs." Clyde weakly smiled.

"Exactly." Bugs jested. The Looney Tunes star gave his nephew a parting 'Love you', and left to catch up with Yakko. Bugs quickly located the teenaged Warner on his way down the grand staircase connecting the family bedrooms floor with the lower guest bedrooms floor. Still feeling a bit groggy from oversleep, Yakko was in no real hurry. "Hey Doc." The rabbit called. Yakko stopped in his tracks, letting Bugs catch up to him. "How does milkshakes sound?"

Moments later, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot followed Bugs outside to his carrot patch. The soil was bare of crops and would be for a few more months. Lining the perimeter of the field were evenly spaced rabbit holes, each leading to some of Bugs' most common destinations. Burrowing was the only way the rabbit preferred to travel anyway. Nineteen holes across the field, Bugs selected a route.

"Wakko, why don't you lead dis time?" Bugs suggested. The middle Warner stepped up to the hole. In a swift, fluid motion, he leaped twice his own height in the air, leaned forward so his feet leveled above his shoulders, and kicked a spot of solid air to propel him diagonally into the ground. As soon as the dark dirt engulfed him, Wakko scurried down the tunnel. Not far behind, Bugs, Yakko, and Dot did their own unique dives, to follow him. Sure, burrowing was a rabbit trick Bugs taught the kids early on. But even if he hadn't taught them, Wakko had a feeling he and his sibs would have mastered the skill just as easily on their own. For Wakko, burrowing was second nature. He couldn't explain why, but it felt like instinct. Plus he had the strongest night vision to assist him. Wakko swerved through the tunnel, clawing up dirt with his hands and packing it down with his feet. He bounded for the dead end up ahead. Then Wakko reached a nest of tree roots and a wall of dirt solid as rock. The leader arose from his hands and feet. His head broke through the thin layer of earth, taking up a patch of grass with him. Wakko hopped out of the hole and dusted the grass toupee off his hat. Yakko and Dot popped up soon after.

The toons found themselves in Cherrytop Plaza, particularly on a stretch of grass between the sidewalk and the road. Along this stretch, apricot trees (or possibly popcorn trees) began their early blossoming. A rectangular building painted like a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich, welcomed the Warners with an 'OPEN' sign. It was the only creamery in uptown Toontown that served dairy free ice cream. The Warner siblings waited for Bugs to surface, when suddenly car horns randomly blared all over the plaza. Toons applauded and beat on metal objects, making as much noise as possible. Some threw their hats in the air. The Warners clutched their ears and gritted their teeth at the commotion. Interesting enough, the trio could name a lot of the toons who were celebrating. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare tossed cigars to everyone. Tramp and his gang of stray dogs howled in chorus. Stitch climbed up on the roof of a variety store across the street, and shot off green plasma from his alien weapons. Lilo, being just as overjoyed as everyone else, did nothing to contain him. Even Roger Rabbit joined in the fun by blowing an air horn. It didn't take a genius to figure out the one thing the lively characters all had in common. But just in case someone couldn't guess it, a red firework baring the image of Mickey Mouse's face, blasted into the sky. The crowd hollered even louder, and jumped for joy at the sight. Yakko's keen mind noted that the fireworks came from far out of Toontown. Obviously this was bigger than a publicity stunt in the market. So what in the world was Disney so happy about? Next a blue shape exploded in the sky. However to the ignorant eye, this firework looked like a mistake. It was a perfect circle with two baseball bat shapes sticking out of the top. But that didn't deter the ecstatic toons. They clapped, whooped, and carried on, until one toon got the idea to leave. In a rapid blur they vamoosed, presumably to spread the good news. Whatever it was.

"What was that?" Dot whispered. Her voice sounded strange in the awkward silence the Disney toons left behind.

"I don't know, sister sib." Yakko confessed. Bugs' arm suddenly stretched out of the rabbit hole with his ears in a fist. He hoisted himself up in mid air, before landing his feet on the grass.

"Say, you kids are getting fast." Bugs complimented. Instantly the rabbit caught on to the Warners' completely bewildered faces. "What's wrong?" He wondered.

"Uhhh, nothing. Just some weird street performers." Yakko fibbed.

"And they had fireworks." Wakko added.

"Yeah, dat's just one tacky t'ing post-show biz toons will do for a quick buck." The rabbit disregarded. "C'mon, let's eat." Bugs redirected. Remembering their severe hunger, the Warners plowed their way through the shop's glass doors. Bugs was happy to see they actually opened the doors this time.

"We're baaaaack!" The Warners announced. Just inside the parlor, their bare feet made a jarring stop on the checkered floor. It was clear to see their usual seats at the front of the bar were taken by teenagers, who looked like they were still living in the '50's. In fact just about every table and booth in the place was occupied. Bugs held Yakko's and Dot's opposite shoulders, squeezing Wakko between them.

"Don't let it bother ya, Docs. We're taking da shakes on da road." The rabbit informed. He lightly gripped Yakko and Wakko's foreheads and physically turned their attention to the center of a row of tables and benches lining the windows. There sat three fairly attractive female human toons. Each had black hair and dressed in similar shades of purple. "Wait over dere for a minute." Bugs instructed, before stepping passed the Warners to get in line. Yakko's tongue hung out, mimicking his brother's.

"Ooh! Booth babes!" Yakko ogled. The boys zoomed over, and climbed in the booth to sit on the girls' laps. Yakko laid across two girls, while Wakko hugged the third girl at the waist.

"Helloooooo Nurse!" They howled, as their eyes animated into red hearts. The girl who had Wakko's overbearing attention, squirmed and dug her long pink polished claws into his arm to free herself.

"Ewww! Like get this major weirdo off of me!" She demanded in a shrill nasally voice. Wakko was a bit put off by the girl's hideous voice that didn't match her looks at all. Unsure of what to do, Wakko made a Gookie face. The girl squealed even louder. Wakko looked to his brother, still sprawled over the two stunned girls.

"She makes me nausious. Move over, will ya?" Wakko pleaded. Yakko sat up and put his arms over the girls' shoulders possessively.

"No way! Go upchuck on someone else." Yakko objected. Finally the group leader, uttered an annoyingly squeaky grunt and slipped away from Wakko. As she hurried to the exit, her lackeys finally spoke up.

"Mandy! Wait for us!" The girls cried together. They pushed Yakko out of the way, and ran after their queen bee.

"I wonder if they're a hive mind." Yakko thought out loud. Once the spectacle of boyish impulse was over, Dot sat down next to Wakko.

"So what do you think happened at the studio that made Bugs bail?" Dot asked.

"My guess is it was blonde, dumb, and slutty -ahem!- sporty." Yakko coughed. Wakko and Dot knew exactly who he implied. It was no secret that the sexually provocative and hardly of age rabbit, who's name will not be mentioned in this story, was head over heels for Bugs. And if you believed the tabloids, Bugs felt the same way. However the Warners knew a different tale, and over the past decade had shared Bugs' annoyance towards her undesired advances.

"She still thinks she's his girlfriend?!" Dot exclaimed incredulously.

"Doesn't she have anything better to do?" Wakko put in. Before the conversation could go on any further, Bugs walked over to the booth, holding three large beverages against his chest and two with his ears.

"Okay, three mango, papaya, quince, cocoanut, persimmon, guava, and avocado, big super duper triple malt shakes to go. One non-dairy, one non-fat, and one extra glucose." Bugs recited, handing the specially marked cups to Yakko, Dot, and Wakko. He then passed on his and Clyde's fruit and veggie smoothies from his ears to his hands. Yakko took a big slurp from the straw and exhaled.

"Ahhh. You're the best secondhand guardian a kid could ask for." He thanked. Bugs' nose wrinkled at the word 'secondhand'.

"Mind how ya say dat, Doc. You don't wanna sound ungrateful dat I stuck my neck out for you kids back in da day." Bugs advised.

"Sorry. You're the best, Bugs." Yakko corrected, feeling a little sheepish. Bugs nodded, stepping away from the booth.

"Well, let's go home now. Clyde's a-waitin' on dis." Bugs said, lightly shaking one of the cups in hand. The four toons strolled out of the ice cream shop and back to the hole they crawled out of. They each paused their slurping to stow their drinks in their hammerspaces. Traveling on all fours went a lot faster with both hands free.

"What'd you get, Bugs?" Dot questioned.

"Carrot and mango blend." The rabbit replied. He plunged ears first into the dirt. "Oh and by da way," Bugs' voice echoed above ground. "you kids gotta tell me what ya want for your boithday dis year." Dot jumped in after him, followed by her brothers. The Warner sister responded in her best Tweety impression.

"Okay. How about a puddy tat, a puppy dawg, moo-moo cow, a giddiyap hawsie, and a wittle monkey."

"Done." Bugs agreed. The rabbit enjoyed the sound of giggling behind him.

Life was as perfect as could be expected. Bugs loved and cared for the Warners like they were his own kids, he spoiled them rotten on outings every weekend, and when he was at the studio filming Bugs trusted the Warners to do whatever they wanted around specified Toontown districts. For three post-canceled cartoon stars, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot were living the good life that many toons never got a taste of after their short careers. Everything seemed perfect until the day the Warners' peaceful reality, crumbled beneath them. All it took was one slip-up. After thirteen years Yakko finally discovered the one thing their guardian had ever denied them.

Bugs never told them the truth.