It was Thursday, and I bounced into afternoon practice in a great mood! It was finally December, which meant the end of year holidays were almost upon us. I was holding my own again in classes, thanks to all the extra studying I'd been doing, and I was close to topping our combat modules again, thanks to Dimitri.

Dimitri, aka Guardian Belikov, was the one who'd been assigned to retrieve Lissa and me from Portland where we'd been living in the human world. When I first met the twenty-four-year-old six-foot-seven-inch Guardian I'd hated him. He represented the Academy and the Moroi establishment. Everything I'd fought to get Lissa away from. But fate has a sense of irony. Within days of returning to St Vladimir's Academy in Montana, Guardian Belikov had become my combat mentor, and over time so much more.

I'd started crushing on him quite early on, but with his stiff Guardian mask he'd never let on that he liked me, too. Although following the time he'd seen me in my bra when he'd caught me making out with Jesse Zeklos, I'd caught the occasional appreciative look when we sparred or while we were working out.

Things had taken a dramatic turn the night of the Academy's Equinox Dance. I'd noticed his admiring gaze when he'd seen me with Mason, and just for a moment, I'd let myself imagine it was Dimitri taking me to the dance; that I'd be pressed hard up against his body dancing. In my mind I could almost feel his huge hands encircling my waist, his full soft lips whispering in his heavy accent into my ear. Of course, that hadn't been the way it worked out. I'd ended up breaking Mia's nose after she was a bitch to Lissa, then Lissa had been kidnapped. I'd gone to Dimitri's dorm room to get his help, and then something unexpected had happened. Dimitri and I nearly made love!

Lissa's abductor had put a lust spell on the necklace he'd given me, and when I saw Dimitri, it activated. We'd made out, and I'd ended up naked on his bed. I came so close to giving him my virginity, but just in time Dimitri had taken off the necklace and thrown it out the window. We'd saved Lissa, and her kidnapper Victor Dashkov was detained, and then Dimitri told me that the whole thing was just a spell and that he didn't like me in that way.

Two days later I'd visited Victor, and he'd told me about being shadow-kissed, the term for people like me. People brought back from the dead by spirit. And he'd told me lust charms didn't create an attraction, just encouraged what was already there. I nearly died again before I had the chance to find out whether that was true. Victor's daughter willingly turned Strigoi to try and break her father out of the Academy's jail. She'd attacked while I was visiting and I tried to take her down but faltered. Dimitri found us and had to finish what I couldn't, but as he was carrying me to the infirmary, he finally admitted that he did want me and that he wished we could be together. He also told me all the reasons that couldn't happen.

Since then we'd gone back to mentor and student and didn't mention what had happened. But the feelings within me were growing, and I knew they were within him, too. He was still professional, but more and more he was opening up to me. He'd tell me stories from his youth, or we'd chat and joke as we'd do our morning laps. Sometimes he'd talk to me about issues with his work, or he'd listen while I talked about the research I'd done into being shadow-kissed.

More and more often, these days, we'd discuss the distressing news coming from Court. The growing Strigoi problem. Not really public news, yet, Dimitri was privy to information about larger and larger nests that were being discovered in Europe and Russia. For years Strigoi had been solitary creatures, hunting individually or in packs of two or three at the most. But that was changing. Somehow Strigoi were starting to organize themselves, banding into larger groups and using their strength to make bolder and more daring attacks. It was truly frightening, but thankfully nothing too bad like that was happening here yet.

With each confidence shared, each discussion we had, we grew closer. Soon seeing each other twice a day in training wasn't enough. Last week, when I'd confessed pre-calculus was the only subject I wasn't making headway with, he'd volunteered to spend a couple of hours on Sunday in the Library with me going through it. In two hours he'd taught me more than I'd learned in two months with my teacher, but maybe that's because I'd listen to anything that man said to me.

He'd been explaining a problem, both of us leaning over my textbook sitting close side by side when I'd turned to look at him. I'd been mesmerized by his dark chin-length hair escaping the hair tie at his nape. His sensuous lips, the tiny bit of stubble just becoming apparent on his jawline. He must have sensed me looking at him because he looked up at me.

"Roza?"

My heart had quickened. I loved it when he called me Roza. He only ever did it when we were alone. When he was feeling particularly close to me. But every time he did, it brought to mind how he'd sounded moaning it the night of Lissa's kidnapping. The night he'd almost claimed me for his own.

"I've tried, Comrade. I just can't push thoughts of that night out of my mind," I'd whispered apologetically. "The feeling of your hands and lips all over me. I know we can't be together. But I want you."

I expected him to get angry. Or to give me another lecture on why wanting each other was wrong. But he didn't.

"I know, milaya," he said sadly, grasping my hand under the table where no one could see. "I think about it too. More than I should. Sometimes I wish I'd never taken that necklace off you," he admitted in a shamed whisper.

We'd sat there side by side holding hands. Not daring to do what we both so desperately wanted to, but likewise not wanting to deny ourselves the tiny comfort and relief holding hands afforded.

The tension hadn't decreased since then. Sure I covered it with jokes, and he just pretended it wasn't there. But we both felt it. And this morning had been no exception. We'd sparred, and for the first time, I'd honest to goodness taken him down! I was so freaking excited I'd been jumping up and down on the spot in glee. I'd demanded a boon from him, and surprisingly he'd complied.

"What do you want, Rose?" he'd asked me, a ghost of amusement on his lips.

"You know what I want, Comrade," I'd teased, never thinking he'd do it.

But he had. He'd leaned in and kissed me. What started as a soft brush of his lips against mine almost instantly became something much more primal. In seconds he'd pushed me up against a wall his mouth ravishing mine, hands grasping at one another in want and need. God knows what would have happened if the outer door to the gym hadn't banged shut, warning us we had a second, two at most, before someone would be coming in. We'd sprang apart panting. Dimitri leaned over as though he were gasping for air after a strenuous session, although I knew it was actually to conceal the bulge of excitement showing in the crotch of his sweats. I'd slumped against the wall also panting, frantically trying to calm my racing thoughts and pulse. Knowing I needed to appear natural, I started a conversation, asking my Russian God about ways to fall in a fight without dropping your stake. The inner doors had opened and in walked Alberta.

Having grown up at St Vladimir's, I'd known the Head of Guard Alberta Petrov since I was four years old, so I had a pretty good read on her. But even I couldn't decipher Alberta's face today. She had her 'duty' face on, but beneath it, there was something else. Something I couldn't place. Still – I knew that from where we'd been Alberta wouldn't have been able to spot us, so I looked up and smiled at her. "Hey Alberta, what's up?"

"Rose," she'd said kindly. "Just here to ask Guardian Belikov to meet with me in my office after you're finished training. Say twenty minutes Dimitri?"

He'd nodded, looking a little confused. Alberta almost never used first names with the Guardians, and certainly not in front of students.

"What do you think that's about?" I'd asked after she'd left. "You don't think she saw us?"

"No," Dimitri had said with a small smile. "It's probably just more news from Court. Now hit the showers. Much as I'd like to spend all day talking with the woman I love, some of us have to work for a living you know!"

We'd both stopped and stared at one another, stunned as we realized what he'd just said. I watched emotions flit across his face. Fear. Regret. Resignation. Defiance. Longing. Hope. I honestly couldn't tell if he'd wanted me to say it back or not. Choosing not to spook him, I leaned in and carefully brushed my lips against his.

"Sure thing, Comrade. Go see Alberta – I'll see you after class for training." I'd picked up my gym bag and walked off towards the women's change rooms. Halfway there I'd turned back and caught his eye. "Don't work too hard, Comrade. I worry about the man I love wearing himself out." Not waiting to see his reaction I retreated into the safety of the showers, spending fifteen minutes under the warm water hugging myself and replaying his words in my mind.

He and his gym bag were gone by the time I'd finished dressing for the day, so I'd headed in a daze to the cafeteria for breakfast.

Since then I'd been floating on air. Dimitri had told me he loved me, even if it had kind of slipped out, and he hadn't meant to. I don't think I heard a word in classes all day. Lissa had had to repeat herself about four times over lunch, and even then I barely took it in. In my combat class, Mason had managed to pin me three times, and I didn't even care when he gave me shit about it! I'd kept looking out, hoping to see Dimitri guarding somewhere on campus, but I wasn't so lucky. Eventually, the final bell rang, and I almost broke the land speed record getting to the gym for afternoon training – bouncing into the gym in a great mood!

My mood shattered as soon as I saw him. One look at Dimitri and like Icarus, I was crashing towards the earth. He was sitting on a bench at the side of the gym. He was in casual clothing and didn't have his gym bag with him. I wanted to turn and run. Even before he looked up at me, I knew I didn't want to hear whatever he was going to say to me. That it was going to break my heart.

Like always he could feel my presence. Looking up at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen, he held his hand out to me. I went to him, and he grasped my hand in his, pulling me to sit on his lap. I couldn't reconcile his actions with the way he looked. Something was wrong, horribly wrong.

"Comrade?"

He pulled me tight against him, dropping a kiss onto the side of my face.

"Milaya? You know how we've been talking about the Strigoi forming nests? In Europe? How Court has been trying to figure out what's going on?"

"Yes?" We'd spoken about it on more than one occasion. How Strigoi were adapting the way they fought, banding together to hunt for the Moroi blood they so craved.

"Well, there's been news from Court. They've had reports of a particularly large nest that's been formed. Over two hundred Strigoi. Such a large group of Strigoi would be enough to take on any Moroi or Dhampir stronghold. St Vladimir's, Court. None of them would stand a chance against a concentrated attack from a group that size. They have to be neutralized."

My Russian God paused. I could feel him psyching himself up.

"They're sending an army of Guardians, Roza. The highest ranking Guardians from all over the world. They're sending us to try and exterminate the threat."

"Us?" I muttered, the word sounding foreign as it slipped from my lips. Such a tiny word but so very loaded.

"I'm one of the ones they're sending, milaya. I fly out Tuesday."

"Fly out? For how long? Comrade?" The tears were trickling down my cheeks before I'd even known they were there.

"Roza," he whispered, his voice caressing my name with such love. "This isn't a fight anyone is expected to return from." He wrapped his arms securely around me before he added, "it's a suicide mission."

Part of me had known it before he said it. It wasn't the first time Court had ordered something like that. "The loss of a few to safeguard the many." It was their polite way of saying they'd send just enough Guardians to take care of the problem but not enough to give them a fighting chance of actually surviving it.

"They can't! It's not right! It's not fair!"

"They can, Roza," Dimitri said steadily. "This is part of what we train for. It's my duty, and they come first."

He sounded so resigned, but I couldn't understand how.

"So what happens now? You just keep doing your shifts, go to work and pretend nothing's happening? Get on a plane on Tuesday with a smile and a wave, and I never see you again?"

I was bordering on hysteria, and he knew it.

"Shhh, milaya," he soothed, running his huge calloused hands up and down my arms softly. "Alberta's taken me off shifts and given me the next few days to get my affairs in order. I'm going to drive to Missoula in a few hours – I have some things I need to attend to. I'll be back on Tuesday morning."

I started wailing then. I just couldn't control it. "So this is it? Goodbye? How could you tell me you love me this morning then leave me this afternoon? Do you care for me at all? Was there ever anything there for you?"

It was a low blow, and I knew it. The guy was being sent to fight to the death, and all I could do was torture him about us. Like he didn't have enough going on without me adding to it! But I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I just couldn't.

"Roza, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I couldn't tell you before, but I suppose it hardly matters now. I think about you constantly. Your smile, your laugh. Our mornings and afternoons together are what makes my days worthwhile, even though most days it's all I can do to stop myself pulling you into my arms and loving you silly."

And hearing him say it just made it worse. Confirmation that it wasn't just me. That he felt the same way I did. Taking in a great gulp of air I made a decision. If I loved him, and I did with ever fiber of my being, then I would show him. Every second that we had left together, I'd spend showing him how much I cared. Giving him the love he deserved.

"Take me with you."

"Milaya?"

"Take me to Missoula with you. If you only have four days left here, I want to spend every possible moment of it together."

He didn't say anything, just held me on his lap and rocked me as I tucked my face in against his neck. We were still sitting like that when the gym door opened and Guardian Stan Alto walked in. We both looked up, too weary to even bother trying to move into a more conventional position. I guess my whimpering and wet cheeks and Dimitri's sober expression said it all.

Stan turned and barked to a group of students about to follow him through the door. "Change of plans! Hit the running track. I want to see ten laps right now!"

Turning back to regard us, he gave us a look of such pity. "Sorry. I'll give you some privacy," he muttered, shutting the door behind him.

Something about his words must have resonated with Dimitri because next thing I knew he was setting me on my feet.

"Come on – let's do this."

"Comrade?"

"Let's go ask Alberta if you can come to Missoula with me."

For the first time ever he held my hand as we crossed campus. On any other day we would undoubtedly have run into a dozen people, but on the day when it finally didn't matter if anyone saw us, of course, no one did.

He knocked, and we entered Alberta's office, and I saw her take in my face and the fact we were holding hands. To her credit, she didn't look surprised. And now I recognized the look I'd seen in her eyes this morning. It was sympathy.

"Dimitri, Rose. Please take a seat. What can I do for you?"

"I've told Rose about my reallocation," he stated needlessly. I am pretty sure that one look at my swollen red eyes was enough to give that away. "As you know, I need to go to Missoula to sort out my affairs, and I'd like to take Rose with me."

"Why?" Alberta asked softly.

"You know why," Dimitri said, keeping his gaze level upon her.

"Yes," she sighed, sounding older than her fifty-something years, "I suppose I do. Rose? Are you sure? You know what's going to happen come Tuesday? That can't be changed."

"I'm sure," I said, willing the tears back from my eyes, "and I know. That's why these next few days are so precious."

She nodded, reaching into her filing cabinet and pulling out a form, scribbling a few lines on it and handing it to Dimitri.

"Show that at the gate. I've approved a leave pass for Novice Hathaway until 9 pm Tuesday. Your flight is scheduled for midnight. You can take one of the Academy cars. Make up an appropriate excuse for her absence, but for goodness sakes don't tell anyone the real reason. And don't give me reason to regret this," she said, standing as a cue for us to leave.

"Thank you, Alberta," I said, moving around the table hug her. She was the closest thing I had to a mother, and I appreciated the only reason she was agreeing to such an unorthodox request was because she understood how I felt about Dimitri.

"How long have you known?" I asked her softly.

"Since before you did yourself, I think," she said with the saddest of smiles.