DAMNED IF YOU DO; DAMNED IF YOU DON'T

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

NOTE: You must read The Diet (Revised) first as this is the sequel to it. I know I should work on my other stories, but I had a sudden inspiration and The Diet (which I am resubmitting due to chapter corrections, etc.) is one of my earliest and favorite works. Please read if you are so inclined. Thank you.

Chapter 1 – A Sticky Wicket

When last we left our heroes, they were in the process of picking up their new wands and having a very enlightening chat about this and that concerning wand craft with Wand Master Gregorovitch, when who of all people showed up but Lord Voldemort, a/k/a the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, the Darkest Wizard of the 20th Century, or at least that were some of the names that he was known by – that were repeatable in polite company. Others were given to him by those who were not his…fans…such as Moldy Shorts, Voldie, Ole Redeyes, Snake Face and others too numerous to mention.

Then there were the names that he really hated to be called, usually only by Albus Dumbledore, starting with Tom, Tom my dear boy, Tom-Tom, Naughty Tom, Tomikins, Tommy-poo-poo (which had been the very last straw) and his birth name of Tom Marvolo Riddle. There were also other names such as the aliases he had used during his life as well a few given to him by certain…females, starting with his mother while he was still in the womb that he somehow remembered hearing in utero. The only love of his life had also given him some "cute names" as he did with her but that was all in the past and it actually hurt him to remember.

Voldie had gotten everyone's attention by accioing the new wands and since he had incapacitated the two wizards he considered his property, he nonchalantly addressed Gregorovitch.

"I am here to pick up my order and will pay you extra for giving me these nice…presents."

Poor Gregorovitch was too shocked to say anything and he just stood there wondering how he was going to get out of this and if the two frozen wizards would think it was a setup on his part. It wasn't, but it did look like it since had he not delayed them from leaving to chat, they wouldn't have been in the shop when the Dark Lord arrived. But they didn't know that and Gregorovitch's only consolation was that they had already paid for the wands and the other things they had purchased.

Finally Voldie had enough and snapped Gregorovitch out of his reverie by once again demanding "I am here to pick up my order so SNAP TO IT."

Gregorovitch hastily ran to the back of the shop to get the order so then Voldie turned to face his "presents" to do a bit of crowing. However, as he turned to face them, he got another surprise which was not pleasant.

It seemed that Harry Potter was so upset, shocked and just plain scared out of his mind that he unconsciously did a bit of wandless magic and unfroze himself. As Voldie turned to gloat, threatened or whatever he was planning on doing, Harry acted on pure instinct and gave old Voldie a swift kick to the family jewels. Since Voldie was unprepared for any attack, especially a physical one as only Muggles did that, he doubled over and Harry continued with the assault by punching him for all he was worth, in the stomach, face and who knows where else as Harry was running on automatic.

A final punch knocked Voldie out cold and Harry grabbed their wands, unfroze Barty and they ran out of the shop as fast as they could. They ran to the car, which Barty, with new wand in hand, shrunk the car and placed it in his pocket. He hadn't bothered to look to see if anyone was watching but grabbed Harry and apparated away to a point near the Chunnel, unshrunk the car, they got in and drove to that newly opened wonder and towards home.

They didn't talk to each other until after they disembarked and their taunt nerves finally crashed. They stopped at the first rest stop for petrol and refreshment as Barty stated "If I don't get something to steady myself, I will explode."

They both got a large bowl of ice cream (to help coat and settle their stomachs as Barty considered ice cream a miracle cure), some lucozade and a few fizzy fruit drinks for the road. Barty said that although it would take longer, it was safer to drive instead of apparating as "I'm surprised I didn't splinch us both when we left." Besides, Barty liked driving and it would get his mind off of the trouble they were both in. Fortunately, they had all of their belongings in the car as they were going to go home after getting their wands.

"I don't know who I fear the most" Harry said, trying to joke (and failing) "Voldie now that he knows we are both alive or Aunt Petunia if we didn't show up with the telly and other things."

"We can always stun your Aunt but as to the Dark Lord…I am expecting a summons any second. In fact, I am quite surprised that I haven't been called yet or that every Death Eater is on our trail."

"Maybe he is still out cold?"

"Or better yet…you killed him AGAIN" Barty hopefully replied. You did hit him very hard and I think his head might have hit the front of the counter."

Although Harry didn't like the thought of killing anyone – even Voldie – it would probably be for the best if he was dead. That way Magical Britain would be safe – or rather safer, considering his experience of this world.

Finally they arrived at the cottage to be greeted enthusiastically by Winky and even Petunia who asked "Did you get everything?"

"Yes, and more than we ever expected" Barty said.

They weren't allowed to rest or eat until Barty hooked up the telly and pacified Petunia. Now they had cable and Petunia was in her glory. She could (and did for the first 36 hours) watch television continually. This magical cable was much better than the one Muggles in Britain had and she sat zombie-like for 36 hours straight before finally falling asleep. Winky had set some food and drink in front of Petunia who automatically ate and drank. The only time she moved from her telly-trance was to use the loo. She hadn't asked Harry or Barty about their trip but that was a relief as they had much more to worry about.

After installing the telly, Barty immediately dragged Harry to their make-shift potions lab and started brewing. "I have confidence in your new found skills that you are capable of brewing several potions which might be needed, such as your nutrient potions, pain relievers, blood replenishing, etc. If you can't or don't have time, send a disguised Winky to the apothecary in Fairy Lane in Dublin."

"Now I want you to watch me brewing the draught of living death because once I am called, the pain will be too much for me to handle. Hopefully this potion will relieve my pain enough so that I don't suffer too much. However, if you witness me in distress, please spell pain relievers directly into my stomach. I am brewing two of the living deaths and one counter and after ten days use the counter to revive me. Oh, have Winky monitor me during my sleep to see if I have been called and if so, how often."

But Murphy's Law once again kicked in as Barty didn't have all of the necessary ingredients to brew the two potions and the revival. Winky was summoned (as she was still at Hogwarts) and given a list of ingredients and a few other odds and ends to buy in Fairy Lane. Once she left, Barty began to write a list of instructions for both Harry and Winky to follow in a worst case scenario. If nothing else, the man was efficient and planned for any possible scenario.

While Barty wrote, Harry fixed them a nice dinner. Barty was too busy to eat it saying he wasn't hungry. Harry said yes he was and he WOULD EAT as it wasn't advisable to take such a strong (and dangerous) potion on an empty stomach. So Barty stopped to have his meal and attempt to relax. However, any good that the meal and rest had done was for naught after Winky returned with news no one wanted to hear.

"Both apothecaries in Fairy Lane were out of several of the necessary ingredients. This elf was told that someone, who sounds like it was Professor Batman, bought all of many things. Then this elf went to Diagon and Knockturn Alleys disguised as a male elf only to be told by even those in Knockturn, that elves were now forbidden to purchase anything from any apothecary unless they had a not…notaz…."

"Notarized" Barty said.

"Yes Master that is the word all used. The note must name the wizard/witch who is requesting these things and he/she must first go to the Ministry for identification and with the list which will be studied and questions asked to see if certain ingredients were allowed. This is done even in Knockturn Alley."

"That sounds like Dumbledore's meddling" Barty sighed. "Either that or Lucius has talked Fudge into doing this so that certain valuable and/or necessary ingredients can be denied to people not following the Dark Lord. In any event, now Winky must go to the Continent to buy these things and she has been away from Hogwarts long enough. If she is missed…."

"Dobby would go" Winky said. "He is very happy with his new family and has the time to run such errands. He can meet up with me for the list and money, do the shopping and call me at midnight for pickup. "

Barty was not in favor of the plan but Harry and Winky vouched for the elf so it was done, as they didn't have much choice. However, it took two more days until Barty had his order but since he had not been summoned he was happy but Harry…well he wondered if he really did kill Voldie – again!

Winky was being forced to stay at Hogwarts more and more because since Dobby's disappearance, the elves were being monitored. She usually showed up after the nightly cleaning of the castle but now all elves had to report into the head elf for roll call. Barty checked her every time she came for trackers but it was a given that it was only a matter of time before one was put on her.

The day after Dobby returned from the errands, it happened – or would be happening the next morning. She had overheard the elves assigned to the Heads of House and Infirmary that "The trackers will be administered before breakfast tomorrow when weese all have our breakfast."

Naturally the elves were angry with this new development but there was nothing they could do as they lived to serve Hogwarts and had to obey all of the Headmaster's commands. As one irate elf opined "Why doesn't he just put tracker on that free elf Winky as besides the disgraceful Dobby, she is the only free elf and is here at Headmaster's command 'for the Greater Good' of hises."

Winky immediately left and reported in knowing her spying days were over. At least she was tracker free and had been of some service to her masters and her dear friend Dobby had a nice, loving family and could do certain errands and spying. He still had contacts and a mother and sister at Malfoy Manor so he could find out why Voldie was summoning Master Barty.

Dobby and the others would be shocked when he found out what was currently happening.