If I Lose Myself
by EMPG22HoPe

PART ONE

BEFORE THE WAR

Chapter One: Astoria

August 1996

"Mum, dad, look! Look! Look!"

Mornings in Greengrass Manor were nothing short of quiet, not with her sister Daphne running about at the crack of dawn like some Cornish pixie. Sometimes it took most of Astoria's self-control not to cast a little muffliato at her sister to keep her mouth shut. And she did mean most of her self-control, though admittedly, she wasn't allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts. She wasn't planning to take the risk anyway; not with the news the Daily Prophet's showing.

Astoria unwillingly threw her blankets off of her with a disgruntled groan. She rose from bed and began trotting downstairs towards the dining hall where she supposed her sister was at, along with her parents. The manor around her felt cold despite the month's summer heat. The soft green colors of the walls looked a bit chipped and the paintings of their ancestors were looking very dead, lifeless, even; which was a surprise considering how most wizarding portraits moved at the sight of a live human being walking about. If there was anything to the whole manor, she hasn't felt at home in it for quite some time now.

As soon as she reached the bottom stairs, she saw Daphne's head pop out from one of the opened double doors down the hallway. Her sister's blonde locks bounced in the small light of the hall as she approached her with a sly grin on her face.

"Daph, do tell what you're on about?" Astoria asked her sister as she yawned, though jolted slightly awake by the feel of Daphne's arm looping around hers.

"It's our Hogwarts letters! They've come!" Daphne said in a sing-song voice as she dragged the younger Greengrass towards the dining hall. "I never thought they'd come, to be honest; especially with the whole You-Know-Who being back and all."

"I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't arrive." Astoria shook her head before seeing her parents already seated on the long table.

"They shouldn't have arrived at all!" Her mother, only a few years touching towards the age of 40, exclaimed as she slammed her teacup against the redwood table. Cassandra shot her husband a disdainful look before going on, "Cepheus, this is absolutely ridiculous! It's not safe for our daughters to come back to that wretched school. I'll be damned if anything happens to them."

Her father, Cepheus, looked up from reading the latest paper of the Daily Prophet to acknowledge his wife. "My dear, I'm not surprised you share certain sentiments."

"Sentiments?!" Cassandra screeched with cheeks flushed, rising from her seat. She took from the table what appear to be two white envelopes with the Hogwarts emblem glistening against the early morning sun. "Do you remember the last time the Dark Lord came to power? We damn near lost everything! Do you honestly expect me to sit here and have my daughters sent into a castle already marked as a slaughterhouse for his Death Eaters?!"

"I am aware of the first war, having gone through a traumatic phase myself at the time." Cepheus said calmly as Astoria and her sister took their respective seats on the table. "I'm merely expressing the fact that while not everything has gone to hell yet, it would be unwise not to have our daughters educated given the opportunity. We are not some pretentious pure-blood family."

"We are part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight and that's as pure-blooded as we are!" Cassandra shrieked, matching the sound of a screeching Banshee as she slammed the envelopes onto the table. "What if he comes for them at the dead of night?! Forces them to join his bloody Death Eaters? You know he wants nothing but the finest pure-bloods in his army, and I refuse to have my daughters be one of them!"

"Oh, calm your knickers mum. It's not like Tori and I are going to be Death Eaters." Daphne waved off their mother shortly after commanding their house-elf, Briseis, to fetch their breakfast. "Besides, have you seen their robes? It's ghastly. I can't imagine myself looking gorgeous in those. And that tattoo of theirs is a laughing matter in modern fashion."

"Mum, it's going to be fine." Astoria said softly before gracing her mother a smile. Unlike her sister, she didn't quite enjoy joking around during serious conversations, especially one that involves the life and death of their family. "I got an owl from Luna saying that Professor Dumbledore will be putting loads of protection spells on the castle. It's not likely a Death Eater would be daft enough to walk through the front gates without being burned to smithereens."

"You're still friends with Loony Lovegood? How can you stand her? She's mental!" Daphne asked her, completely aghast. Astoria ignored her.

"We'll owl you twice a day; if it helps you sleep at night." Astoria bargained before her mother could say anything. "And if the dark mark shows up at the castle, we'll be the first to be on the train back to London."

Cepheus smirked at his wife, causing Cassandra to glare at him before sighing with sheer relents and finally settling down on her seat.

"I suppose that settles it, then." Cepheus said rather cheerfully, closing his copy of the Daily Prophet before taking a sip of his own tea. "We'll be off to Diagon Alley this afternoon to buy your books."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, daddy!" Daphne squealed in delight as she threw herself at their father, giving him a bone-crushing hug. "I promise I'll do better this year. I passed six of my O.W.L.S. Surely I'm well off to getting into some pretty good N.E.W.T. subjects!"

"You'll do well to work hard on those subjects, then, Daphne." Cassandra told her eldest daughter harshly before gracing Astoria with a lovely smile. "And you too, dear."

"Mum, I don't take O.W.L.S till' next year." Astoria said just as Briseis the house-elf arrived with their breakfast, the smell of freshly cooked sausages and bacons wafting through the air.

"I know, but if you want to be Prefect, I expect Outstandings from all of your subjects. Not a single Acceptable, you hear?" Cassandra said, raising her brows as she plucked a sausage with her silver fork.

"Yes, mother." Astoria sighed tiredly as she too began to devour her meal.

That was the certain problem, apart from the Dark Lord's return and all, in the Greengrass manor. Her parents had expected Daphne to be above and beyond everyone else in Slytherin, wanting her to become a Prefect when she had reached her fifth year last year; as did her parents when they were in Hogwarts. But a few failed classes during Daphne's fourth year lead the Prefect role to be given to Pansy Parkinson, a snarky, pug-faced friend of her sister's that Astoria didn't particularly fancy befriending. Since then, the disappointment of their parents, though rarely shown, reflected onto her – and now the expectations they've wished for Daphne were all on her shoulders. It wasn't exactly fair and the nicest thing to weigh at the time being.

But despite such, she loves her parents and she didn't exactly want to end up disappointing them any more than she already has. What, with her tolerance for muggles and muggle-borns, it isn't quite prim and proper for a pure-blood and it wasn't what they expected out of her.

It's certainly a bloody lot to take in for a fifteen year-old girl.

Astoria spent most of her afternoon in Diagon Alley alone. After breakfast, she sent an owl to Luna asking if she wanted to join them that afternoon. She had hoped to get a reply within the hour, the usual interval in which Luna would reply. But upon the strike of two, she had already side-apparated with her parents.

She suspected Daphne and her mother had something to do with not getting an owl back from her dear friend. They never did like how Astoria associated with the Ravenclaw girl. While not a lot of people befriended Luna Lovegood (or as most like to call her Loony Lovegood), she didn't mind being friends with the quintessential witch. She's a sore better lot to befriend than any of the other Slytherin girls who were downright nasty and just plain unfriendly, save for the exception of the Carrow twin sisters, who tolerated and were friendly with Astoria considering how they were roommates.

Before Astoria could head off alone into Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour for a bit of cookies and cream, she felt someone tug at her arms. Once she turned to find that it was only Daphne, she pursed her lips and dragged her sister right into the parlour.

"What are you doing?! You've got to come with me, Tori, oh please." Daphne begged as she tugged at her sister's arm relentlessly. "I'm in need of new robes, and I trust no one else in the sense of my robe fashion except you!"

"Why can't you just bring Pansy? Or Millicent? I bet they'd be thrilled to help you out with that." Astoria asked inquiringly as she tried to weave her arm off of her sister's.

"Well, they're not here now, are they?" Daphne rolled her eyes at her playfully. "You've got to! I'll buy you some ice cream after. I promise. I swear it on Gran Cassiopeia's grave!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake, fine. But you owe me two cones of cookies and cream, you hear?" Astoria gave in as she was quickly dragged out of the parlour and straight down the cobblestone steps towards Twilfitt and Tatting's.

"Bit excessive, don't you think?" Astoria asked, blowing a strand of her black hair out of the way as she and Daphne entered the up market clothing shop. "You're willing to waste half of your savings for a new set of robes?"

"Come now, Tori. You act as if we're not rich enough to buy the entire shop! Or have you completely forgotten that we're well off?" Daphne gasped at her before finally pulling away to head for the front desk where a heavily make-upped witch was conversing with a blonde woman wearing a dark silk coat. The latter seemed awfully familiar, though Astoria could hardly put her finger to it.

Her eyes wandered around the shop and she couldn't help but admire the well-sewn dresses and robes hanging around in silver hangers. Though she wasn't like Daphne who spends half her savings on clothes and extra pairs of shoes, she did fancy a lovely emerald dress, pairing it with white pumps occasionally. Just as she was about to head for the second floor where some of the boas and floppy hats were, she heard her sister's high-pitched squeal.

"Mrs. Tatting!" Daphne greeted the witch before turning to the blonde one. "Oh, and Mrs. Malfoy! A pleasure to see you here!"

Astoria nearly jumped at the second name that her sister mentioned. She turned her attention towards the front desk, now realizing the familiarity of the blonde woman. A cold shiver ran down her spine, mostly out of nervousness than fear. Everyone knew of the Malfoys. Certainly not a single wizard lived without having to encounter that family name somewhere. They were practically the wealthiest British wizarding family known, a family of the Sacred Twenty-Eight and a well-respected one at that. Well, that is, until Lucius Malfoy himself was caught with a bunch of other Death Eaters in the Department of Mysteries in the Ministry of Magic. The family had fallen from grace after the occurrence; however, Astoria still found it odd that her parents are still in allegiance with the family. She had assumed her mother would be ashamed to have been associated with the Malfoys after that fiasco, but perhaps there's more loyalty there than what meets the eye.

"Daphne Greengrass, you look lovely as ever." Narcissa smiled at her before quirking a brow. "Here to buy new robes, I presume?"

"Oh yes. Can't be looking like a clown on my sixth year!" Daphne giggled before eyeing Astoria. "I've come with my sister, you see."

Astoria graced a small smile as she headed towards the front desk to greet the blonde woman.

"Astoria Greengrass, my, have you grown taller?" Narcissa laughed merrily. "Well, I certainly hope you're on the same venture as your sister. How's Cepheus and Cassandra?"

"They're quite well. My mother was quite hesitant in sending us off to Hogwarts this year, though." Astoria added conversationally. "Can you blame her?"

"Certainly not," Narcissa pursed her lips this time. "Although I do hope she'll understand the... ah, protection to be brought by Dumbledore."

"Mother, I think I've done myself the right size now." An all-too familiar voice came from behind the counter. One of the curtains, which Astoria assumed would have been the dressing rooms, opened to reveal Draco Malfoy.

Her breath hitched as she tried to look away. Gods, gods, babbling gods; why him? Daphne began to nudge her side roughly, causing her to send her sister a glare. The blonde Greengrass gave her a knowing, teasing look before walking over to where Draco was.

"Draco! I didn't know you'd be here!" Daphne said in her all too high-pitched voice before turning her head to wink at her sister. Astoria could feel her cheeks heating up by the second. Her blasted sister sent her here for a reason; the sly git.

Childish and awfully foolish as it may be, Astoria used to have a stupid school-girl crush on Draco Malfoy. Half the school's witches were falling mad for him until he showed his truer colors in his fifth year from when he had a go at the Weasleys' mother after a Quidditch match against the Gryffindors. That was the moment she realized she ought to stop making excuses for his actions. He was simply and utterly the most dreadful pure-blood she's ever met.

Still, she hasn't really got an ultimatum against him. If anything, her memory served her a time from when he wasn't such an insufferable prat. But that had been years ago. Though a small part of her did feel as though he could still change; that he wasn't completely irredeemable.

"Hey, Daph." Draco acknowledged her with a nod. "Good of you to drop by here. We just got out of Madam Malkin's, see? I couldn't fancy myself in a clothes shop with Saint Potter there and his filthy mudblood and blood traitor friends, Granger and Weasley."

Astoria cringed after Draco spoke, and tried to hold her tongue from snapping back at him for his crassness. He had quite the utmost appeal for pure-blood supremacy which was, unfortunately, quite all-the-rage with pure-blood families. It made her sick to the bone. She didn't see the point of hating and treating muggle-borns like scum. They're just as human as they pure-bloods are, really.

"Oh, how awful," Daphne sympathized before grinning at him. "Draco, I believe you've already met my sister, Astoria."

Bloody freaking hell. Astoria made a mental note to hex Daphne once they come back to Hogwarts. She then smiled coarsely at Draco. Ever since her first year at Hogwarts, she never really had a more open interaction with him until now. It felt odd, though, as she met his gaze.

"You alright there, little Greengrass?" Draco asked, gracing her one of his smirks as he tugged on the left sleeve of his robe irritably. Astoria could have sworn a small yelp came from her mouth when she said yes.

Oh, how she despised being called little Greengrass. It was a long story to tell, but to make short of it; she shadowed so much of Daphne at a young age that by the time she grew out of it; everybody had already started calling her that. And anyone can bloody guess well enough on who started the little Greengrass mill. Though Draco only meant well and a tease to her for that when they were kids, it was an awful thing to be called; especially coming from him.

Draco stripped off his robes and handed them over to Mrs. Tattings. Even as the robes were already off him, Astoria noticed him still rubbing at his left arm, which was covered with his long-sleeved black coat.

"Well, we must be off now. Lots to buy still." Narcissa announced, snapping Astoria out of her reverie. The blonde witch went forth and gave her and Daphne hugs before looping her arm around her son's.

"See you at school, Daphne." Draco said as he was leaving before turning his gaze towards her. He seemed distracted as he did so. "You too, Astoria."

And he was off.

As soon as the door was shut, Astoria heard the shrill squeal of her sister. Daphne tugged at her arm as she jumped up and down, a red dress looped around her sister's right arm bouncing along with her. She tried to pull away, but Daphne was far too insistent as she had hoped.

"He said your name! He said your name!" Daphne screamed at the top of her lungs.

"I'm well aware!" Astoria told her a little more crossly than necessary as she successfully relented herself from her sister. "Honestly, you act as if the man's a god."

"Merlin knows you used to think he was." Daphne winked at her before handing Mrs. Tattings the red dress. "I quite fancy you two together, if only you weren't such a social pariah sometimes."

"We barely speak." Astoria said accusingly. "Besides, he's with Pansy. I wouldn't dream of getting near him with a ten-foot pole if that nasty friend of yours keeps dangling him around like a toy. And haven't I told you that I'm past my first year crush over him?"

"I doubt you no longer think he's still a nice catch. But, well, you're right." Daphne's enthusiasm dropped ten-fold after hearing Pansy's name. "Wouldn't want her finding out now, do we? Goodness. Well, it's not like Pansy's genuine with him. She's just using him to gain popularity after the whole debacle with her dad going into a muggle prison."

"Still. It's best you keep your mouth shut about my former crush on the git. The last thing I need is Pansy Parkinson breathing down my neck for sparing Draco a glance." She hummed absent-mindedly as she heard her sister pay for the red dress. "Do you think there's something wrong with him?"

"What do you mean?" Her sister asked as she took the paper bag from Mrs. Tattings.

"Well, he seemed a bit off earlier, didn't he?" She said in a small voice. "Scratching that left arm of his and whatnot."

"Probably just a tick," Daphne waved it off before smirking at her. "Honestly, you notice everything about him now, do you?"

Astoria shrugged. Her mind was completely elsewhere now. "I just have a feeling, you know?"

"Right. Your gut feeling." The blonde nodded as they began to leave the shop. "I'm sure he's fine. I'll let him know you care!"

"What?" She snapped out of her reverie this time.

"Look! He's over there!" Daphne exclaimed as she pointed somewhere behind her back. "Draco! Draco!"

"Honestly, you're the worst." Astoria screeched as she pulled her sister towards the other end of the street, away from where Draco Malfoy, she assumed, was. But even in her irritation, she couldn't help but laugh at her sister's ridiculous antics.

"You know you love me," Her sister cackled evilly, causing Astoria to shake her head, awfully amused. "I'm sure he's fine, Tori. He's a Malfoy, after all. He and his family may have fallen from grace, what, with his dad being chucked into Azkaban and all. But he's fine. He can very much handle himself."

Although something told Astoria that there was definitely something wrong.

After all, her gut was never quite wrong.