Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the movie Zootopia are all owned by Disney, the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

This is set after Who Do You Trust? and reflects that story. Nick and Judy pressured Duke into the role of reluctant informer.

Now expanded to two chapters. The real Midnight is a 1939 screwball comedy (with some of the earliest work by Billy Wilder after fleeing from Hitler to the US.) Nick and Judy watched it in chapter 9 of Trust. You Can't Cheat an Honest Man was a W.C. Fields film, also from 1939.

You Can't Cheat an Honest Man

‟There's a weasel waiting to talk with you," Clawhauser warned Nick as the fox ran in at his customary last minute for the start of his shift.

‟A weasel?"

‟I think he's that one who testified in the night howler case. He wants to talk with you and Judy."

‟This should be interesting," Nick thought as he headed for the detective bullpen, hoping against hope that Judy was late. He knew it was a vain hope. Judy was never late. And she wasn't this morning.

Judy sat, silently fuming at her desk, and Duke Weaselton sat at Nick's desk, grinning broadly.

Nick pulled another chair near the desk and pointed at Duke, then to the chair, ‟Your chair. That one's mine. Now, citizen, how can the police force help an outstanding weasel like yourself on this fine morning?"

The weasel moved to the chair Nick offered and the fox took his seat at the desk.

‟As a law-abidin' citizen it is–"

Judy snorted.

‟You should do something about that cold," Nick told her.

‟Sorry," she lied. ‟I must be allergic to something I heard."

‟Now then," continued Nick, turning to Duke, ‟I just asked how we can help you?"

‟Yeah, well, there is this porcupine sellin' bootleg DVDs down on Maple. As an honest citizen an' all, I feels it is my dooty to report it to the police."

‟Thank you, citizen, for your vigilance. My partner and I will investigate your tip later this morning or this afternoon."

After the weasel slunk away Judy protested, ‟We are not going after that porcupine!"

‟You're not afraid of porcupines, are you?"

‟Of course not!"

‟So, what's your problem?"

‟We do not work for Duke Weaselton, we work for the police department."

‟And what is the goal of the police?"

‟To help the citizens of Zootopia."

‟Duke is a citizen."

‟You know it's not the crime that bothers him; the porcupine is competition. He wants us to take out his competition!"

‟Of course."

‟And you're okay with that?"

‟Define okay. If you look at it only as helping a small timer eliminate competition then I'm not okay with it. But it isn't any small timer, we're dealing with Duke Weaselton, one of the slimiest small timers in Zootopia, and that is precisely why we should help him."

‟You're confusing me, more than usual."

‟We owe Duke. We may not like him, but we owe him. He's given us some valuable tips, and he had the information because he is not a nice animal. Kindly old grandmothers who feed pigeons or well-scrubbed little ranger scouts can't give us tips. Duke being here was a challenge. I think he's demanding some respect from us. Maybe if we scare off the competition he'll give us more help in the future. Therefore we help him."

‟I still don't like it."

‟Not asking you to like it. I don't like it either. But if it saves lives or stops major crimes then it's worth it."

‟Fine, but you're asking Alces if we can go out on this."

‟Bootleg DVDs? You have nothing better to do than..." the captain objected when the detectives made the request. ‟The weasel that was up here... Duke Weaselton?"

Nick nodded, ‟He has, on occasion, provided valuable consultative services to the ZPD."

‟Valuable consultative services, huh? That's a lot nicer than what we used to call it."

‟And Judy and I figure that–"

Judy coughed to show she was not a part of the argument.

‟Okay," Nick admitted, "I figure that you get more flies with sugar than vinegar."

The moose rolled his eyes and sighed, ‟Okay, just make sure your weasel knows there's a limit on sugar."

Judy drove, and Nick watched for the porcupine. ‟Block ahead, on the left. Find a place to…"

‟What?"

‟Park. That idiot Duke is out peddling his bootlegs too."

‟We can't give the porcupine a warning if we don't–"

‟Exactly. I can't believe even Duke is that stupid. You tell the porcupine to close up shop and don't come back. I'll take Duke."

Duke smiled cheerfully as Nick approached, but the fox had no words of cheer. ‟Moron! If we tell the porcupine to get out of the First, and leave you selling it either looks like we're on the take, or you're working for the police, or both. You really want that?"

‟But–"

‟But nothing. You wanted to stand here all smug while we told porky to move on. Do you understand why that's a bad idea or do I need to explain it again, slowly?"

‟Ya does not need to call me a moron."

‟Then don't act like one. We'll cruise through a couple times a day until porky gets discouraged. Why don't you flex your entrepreneurial muscles on something else for the duration?"

‟Huh?"

‟Go back to peddling watches or something else 'til the porcupine moves on."

The weasel shrugged, ‟Yeah, makes sense."

Duke started packing up DVDs when Nick exclaimed, ‟Midnight!"

‟Huh?"

‟Old movie."

‟Never hoid of it. What is it, five? six years old?"

‟More like eighty"

"Did they watch movies by candles or somethin'?"

"Never mind. It's old but was recently restored–"

"They added color?"

"No, Moron. No one who appreciates fine black and white films wants them colorized."

"I knew that, Schmuck, I was testin' you. Restored..."

"They found a nice print and digitally enhanced it back to theater quality. Now, it is not commercially available. However, I know this weasel, who knows someone, who knows someone."

"Youse ain't asking for my resources, are ya?"

"Nah. I don't care where... Heck, I don't want to know. I'm just wondering if you, with all your contacts, might be able to lay your paws on a copy?"

The weasel's eyes narrowed. "I might. It will cost ya. Cost ya a century."

"A hundred creds?" Nick asked in disbelief and gestured at the cases the weasel was packing up. "You only charge fifteen or twenty credits for this junk."

"Ah, exactly. This stuff is junk. But youse ain't askin' for junk. Even a Schmuck knows if youse wants fine quality youse gotta pay for it. 'Specially if youse askin' for somethin' which ain't even commercially available."

"Twenty-five credits!"

"You wound me. Outta respect for the officers in blue I can offer youse a special discount. Ninety creds."

"Forty."

‟Won't even pay for my expenses in gettin' a special order. I'll cut my profit to the bone an' let youse have it for eighty."

Nick thought a minute, "Fifty."

"No reason able offer is refused, but youse is not yet able to reason. Seventy."

"Sixty, and that's my final offer."

The weasel appeared to ponder the offer. "Only because youse is my acquaintance, I will accept." "Sucker, youse coulda had it for forty-five."

"Fine." "Ha, I'd have given seventy-five." "It has to be the real thing, The restored version."

"Duke Weaselton never goes back on his woid. Now, about delivery..."

"I'd rather you didn't bring it to the police station."

"Good, 'cause I do not like visitin' that dump. If, that is if, I can lay me mits on a copy I'll leave youse a message, 'Da chicken is in da coop'."

Nick nodded, "The chicken is in the coop."

"No, Da chicken is in da coop."

"Fine," the fox muttered, "just spell it out for the desk sergeant. You do know how to spell, right?"

"Hardy-har-har. Now, I do not know if I can get... What was the name again?"

"Midnight."

"If I can get it, I will call the Foist. Next day, Francelli's, four in the afternoon. Place is empty so we ain't seen talkin' together."

"Sounds good."

"How about ya see your way to a twenty cred advance?"

‟After saying you're not sure you can get it? No way!"

"Fine," the weasel muttered. "But bring cash. I am allergic to credit cards."

"And the electronic evidence they leave behind?"

"Somethin' like that. An' youse is payin' for cannoli. Call it a service charge."

"You're paying for coffee…" Nick remembered, "Oh, one final point. Don't mention anything to the rabbit... She, uh, might not understand."

The weasel gave him a sly wink, ‟Us guys gotta stick togetter, right?"

‟Exactly." ‟It's a gift for her and I don't want to spoil the surprise."