Author's note: This story is a collaboration between Sabina-san and myself, borne out of a goofy headcanon idea we tossed around on tumblr. A lot of silliness and ogling of cupcakes later, we now present a stress-baking Saitō crackfic. Enjoy!

(Also, check out Sabina-san's other stories on here, or you can also find her on tumblr as sabinasanfanfic or as Sabinasan on AO3.)

Throughout the Shinsengumi headquarters—now located at Nishi-Honganji Temple—the sweet smell of sugar, spices, and chocolate wafted through the air. Hijikata inhaled the scent so deeply his shoulders met his ears. His exhale spoke of the pleasure he was feeling at smelling something so delicious. Saitō was baking again. Hijikata couldn't wait to taste the confection Saitō had concocted this time, but he knew he would have to finish the letter he was working on first before he would allow himself that small reward.

Hijikata forced himself to continue to write his letter with care as sloppiness could not be tolerated from the vice commander of the Shinsengumi. The minutes ticked by at an agonizing pace, and Hijikata could feel his impatience growing with the thought of savoring a sugary, fluffy cupcake. While white cake with strawberry filling was his favorite by far, he couldn't help but be excited by the thought of having anything that Saitō was willing to bake, and today it smelled like a dark chocolate cake. He could also smell cinnamon, and Hijikata began to imagine a lush cinnamon buttercream frosting crowning a gorgeous pastry that was moist and soft. His brush moved up and down the washi paper at an increased speed as he unconsciously licked his lips.

Stop! he reprimanded himself as he paused in his writing. He looked down to see a description of the cupcake he had just been thinking about instead of a report on the recent swell in membership, and he made a low sound of disapproval in the back of his throat. He was frustrated that he had allowed his mind to wander so much to interfere with his work. As much as he loved Saitō's baking, it was so distracting to him. He sat for a few minutes, letting his mind clear of any thoughts of cupcakes before sighing in vain and setting his brush down on the desk. He supposed he should take a break from the letter writing. A part of Hijikata hated this idea as it was shirking his duty, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to complete his task until he had savored a cupcake.

Hijikata rose from his desk and vacated his room as quickly as dignity would allow. After all, he couldn't let anyone know that the demon vice commander was in need of a cupcake. No one would take him seriously anymore! He walked along the engawa, continuing to think on Saitō's baking skills and wondering where in the world the young man had learned how to create such amazing treats for everyone to enjoy. As he traveled toward the kitchen, a gust of wind rushed by him, and with it came the acrid scent of burning sugar. His steps quickened, his mind now reeling with the thought that the treat he'd been looking forward to was ruined.

Hijikata approached the courtyard, curious as to why Nagakura, Harada, and Tōdō were standing there appearing to be doing nothing. He was about to berate them for their laziness when Tōdō stepped to his right and revealed Saitō and Souji sparring. Hijikata paused, watching two of his captains run at each other. He enjoyed a spar between the first and third division captains, for they were arguably the best fighters among the Shinsengumi. He knew Souji liked to practice with Saitō because he hadn't beat him yet. The rivalry made Hijikata smile because he knew it was all one-sided. Saitō held no such envy for Souji.

Souji is such a twerp, Hijikata thought with exasperation and a bit of fondness. His eyes then caught a quick movement from Saitō that knocked Souji backwards, which made Hijikata's amusement trickle away to be replaced with concern. He witnessed another quick strike come from Saitō that caught Souji slightly off guard.

"I didn't realize you cared so much," Souji called out sarcastically, though Hijikata detected the slight note of burgeoning panic coming from the young swordsman.

Saitō merely responded by drawing his wakizashi to block a swing from Souji, swinging his katana towards his opponent's neck and stopping short of making contact. Hijikata was now alarmed. No matter how many times they dueled, Saitō had never drawn his wakizashi. This was a serious matter. Souji seemed to notice this as well, and he pulled away from Saitō, sheathing his katana.

"Ara, ara," Souji said with a smirk. "There's no besting you, Hajime-kun."

Saitō lowered his swords. With a swipe downwards, he sheathed both swords one at a time. Souji brushed past Hijikata, his arms folded as if the outcome of the duel didn't matter, though everyone present knew that it stung Souji's pride to lose once again to Saitō. While Hijikata did notice the defensive stance, he also sensed a sort of wariness emanating from Souji—as if he knew that he did something wrong and that he wouldn't escape everyone's wrath so easily. Hijikata could also sense that Saitō was perturbed. He could see it in Saitō's eyes. While most people would be oblivious to Saitō's feelings the majority of the time, the strong waves of annoyance rolling from him were quite obvious. A quick glance around the courtyard informed Hijikata that everyonewas aware that Saitō was pissed off.

"What happened?" Hijikata asked, his tone just short of a demand.

Saitō's gaze was intense and cold. "He touched my oven."

In that instant, Hijikata knew that the cupcakes he had been looking forward to were no more, and the disappointment was soul crushing. Meanwhile, Shinpachi, Heisuke, and Sanosuke let out a string of dismayed exclamations at Souji's carelessness. Souji just laughed nervously with that customary smirk, which drew Hijikata's ire and everyone else's attention.

"It's not like they were all burned…" Souji said as a weak defense.

"But there wasn't enough for everyone to have some!" Heisuke exclaimed.

Hijikata frowned. "And how do you know this?" He crossed his arms and shot Heisuke a glance that said I know exactly how you know, and I'm looking to see if you're going to confess.

Heisuke let out a nervous chuckle. "Well…I ate two of them."

"What?!" Sano cried out. "Heisuke!"

Hijikata closed his eyes in an attempt to calm himself. He was quickly losing control of his temper, and he knew it was silly of him to get so worked up over cupcakes. At the same time, he knew he had missed out on something truly spectacular because Saitō was a baking genius. He was convinced that Saitō was probably a pastry chef in another life, but that wasn't important right now. There was one detail that Hijikata was dying to know. He opened his eyes once more and regarded his youngest captain with a calm, even stare.

"And would you mind describing what Saitō had prepared for everyone today?"

Heisuke's eyes roved around the group as if he was afraid to answer the question. Though, it was also clear that Heisuke knew that if he didn't answer, he would be in more trouble.

"Don't leave out any details!" Shinpachi demanded.

"Right. Well…uh…the cake was dark chocolate, and the cake itself wasn't too dense. It was the perfect balance of airy substance."

Hijikata had suspected as much. Chocolate wasn't his favorite, but he would've enjoyed it nonetheless. He began to salivate just thinking about how great the cake must have tasted.

Heisuke continued on with his description, "The center was white chocolate and so smooth and the white chocolate tempered the bitterness of the dark chocolate. You did really well, Hajime-kun!" Saitō briefly nodded in thanks for the compliment. "Um…the frosting was light, fluffy, the right amount of sweet…Hajime-kun had dyed the frosting purple. It was swirled so nicely on top of the cake! And there were blue, aqua, pink, and purple sprinkles." A blissful sigh. "It was so good, Hajime-kun!"

Everyone's attention went from Heisuke over to Souji, because everyone knew it was Souji's fault for destroying what Saitō had created for the Shinsengumi. Souji stood his ground with an unflinching stance, but Hijikata knew Souji was all bravado. He was clearly feeling guilty for whatever had transpired in the kitchen. Souji was about to open his mouth to protest something, but Saitō stepped in.

"It is my fault. I should have been watching the oven more closely to be sure it would not be tampered with. I will bear the responsibility for this failure."

Hijikata covertly eyed Souji, who looked stricken that Saitō would offer to take the blame for his mistake. The surprise was short-lived as Souji quickly covered his dismay with his typical smiling defense. Souji knew he owed Saitō for shouldering the responsibility. Hijikata sighed, his disappointment ebbing away. It was much too draining to continue to be upset over a baked good.

"What an unfortunate circumstance," Hijikata stated. "It can't be helped. I don't have time to continue dwelling on cupcakes that won't be." He turned his attention to his third division captain. "I want you to prepare the evening's meal for Itou's men."

"Understood, Vice Commander," Saitō replied with a quick bow.

Hijikata nodded as a way to end the whole scene, and the captains watched their vice commander walk away. Shinpachi, Heisuke, and Sanosuke were about to sigh with the relief of some of the tension when Hijikata's voice floated back to them.

"You all better find something to do, or I will do so for you!"

"Hai!" the chorus responded.

"He's upset," Heisuke observed of Hijikata.

"Well, you know Hijikata-san," Souji offered as his eyes continued to follow Hijikata's progress out of the courtyard.

"Hai," Saitō cut in, "which means we should all be following his orders."

With that, Saitō took his leave. The remaining captains observed his exit before exchanging glances among each other. Though no one wanted to say so out loud, it was clear that Hijikata had wanted to have cupcakes just as much as everyone else. They understood that desire, and Shinpachi and Sanosuke especially were feeling a hint of jealousy towards Heisuke for being able to eat some of Saitō's treat. Heisuke was craving more cupcakes, and at the same time, fearing what Hijikata's foul mood would mean for the captains.

After a few moments of silence, Heisuke let out a curse. "Shit! We have to do something to get Hajime-kun to bake again!"

"How?" Shinpachi's voice was a whine.

"Obviously, Hajime-kun only bakes when he's stressed," Souji offered with a mischievous grin. "You need to stress him out."

Shinpachi, Heisuke, and Sanosuke exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. Souji's statement was correct, but they had no idea how they were going to achieve making the normally calm and collected bushi lose his cool enough to bake once more. Souji watched the three of them brainstorm in silence, laughing to himself. He had clearly stumped them, and it was amusing to see them expending so much energy trying to think of things to do to Saitō. He snickered out loud and turned away, resting a hand on the hilt of his katana.

"All you have to do is toy with his swords. You know…dirty them or something."

"Are you serious, Souji?" Heisuke exclaimed with a vein of terror in his voice. "Do you know what you're suggesting?"

"Saitō would kill us!" Sanosuke added, panic clear in his voice.

Souji began to walk away while chuckling. "Well then…I leave the planning up to you. I can't wait to see what you three come up with."

A week or so later, a small group consisting of Hijikata, Yamazaki, and Shimada gathered in Hijikata's quarters. Evening had given way to dark night, and lanterns had been lit to provide them with light in order to conduct their business. Hijikata sat at his desk while Yamazaki and Shimada sat in formal seiza in order to give their report to their commanding officer.

"As you are aware, Itou-san has been attempting to recruit your captains. It appears he has thoroughly convinced Tōdō-san," Yamazaki reported.

"Tch," Hijikata's verbalization was annoyed. "I was afraid of that." He continued to write, the quick strokes of his brush the only indication of his agitation.

"I would say that while Tōdō-kun is set on leaving with Itou, he is quite conflicted," Shimada added. "I overheard him talking to Yukimura earlier today about it."

Hijikata gave a short nod and said quietly, "I can't fault him for wanting to discover his truth." A pause. "When do you think Itou is going to leave?"

"I believe he is looking for something to happen to make a clean break. I imagine he knows that if he just leaves without reason, he opens himself up to possible assassination for dishonoring the Shinsengumi," Shimada concluded.

I wish he would… I would like to drive a sword through that bastard, Hijikata thought. "Is that all?"

An uncomfortable silence descended for a beat. "Well," Yamazaki began, sounding puzzled. "There has been something going on with Harada-san, Tōdō-san, and Nagakura-san for several days."

"Oh?" Hijikata questioned.

"As you know, the three of them are inseparable. They tend to get into all sorts of trouble, but lately…they are really tempting fate by…focusing their endless energies towards Saitō-san."

Hijikata briefly paused in his writing, a knowing smile on his lips that he quickly stifled. "Tempting fate? I can't imagine what those idiots were up to…"

Yamazaki didn't know how to respond to Hijikata's use of the word baka as a term of endearment. He was unsure how to proceed and took a moment to think through his next sentences before presenting them.

"I…I can't guarantee the three of them are responsible for everything abnormal going on, but…" Yamazaki hesitated, clearly ill at ease with what he was reporting.

Shimada spoke up. "Let's just tell Hijikata-fukuchō what we observed and heard, and see what conclusion he draws."

Yamazaki nodded. "First, it seems that earlier this week, a small snake was found in Saitō-san's room. Harada-san expressed concern about it being venomous, but Saitō-san said it was merely a baby rat snake and removed it calmly."

The corner of Hijikata's mouth twitched in an effort to keep a smile hidden.

"Then, another morning when Saitō-san returned from a night patrol, Tōdō was frantic, claiming the temple was haunted by yōkai or kitsune because something invisible was rearranging the furniture," Shimada said. "Saitō just shrugged it off, and then I heard him moving things around in his room."

Hijikata sighed and shook his head. "Kitsune? Really…that's the best they could do?"

Yamazaki's eyes widened. "Sir?"

Hijikata cleared his throat, realizing he had spoken his thought out loud. "Nothing. Anything else?"

"Yesterday, I spotted Saitō-san in town purchasing a new white scarf. It seems somehow indigo dye found its way into his laundry water when he was washing the day before, yet not into anyone else's. I believe Tōdō-san may have distracted Saitō-san so Nagakura-san could put it in the water," Yamazaki said. "Also, this morning, I overheard them talk of doing something to Saitō-san's swords, but that idea was quickly abandoned. For good reason, I would imagine."

Hijikata snorted with laughter. "Even I wouldn't dream of doing something that stupid."

"I heard them tell Saitō-kun that the swords the rest of the troops were using were not being kept well. He tried to hide it, but I could tell Saitō-kun was very disturbed by this news. An hour later, he was cleaning every single sword while lecturing the troops," Shimada reported.

Yamazaki smiled. "I think he frightened some of them."

Hijikata nodded. It wasn't out of character for Saitō to become involved in everyone's care of the most important tools they had with them—their katanas and wakizashis. He thought it a great dishonor to the blades to care for them so poorly. Still, the thought of Saitō single-handedly going to every member of the Shinsengumi and lecturing on the proper care of their blades must have been quite taxing…and stressful. Not to mention the fact that Hijikata had assigned him the dubious honor of cooking for Itou and his men. It all had apparently been enough to tip Saitō over the edge because after supper that evening, everyone had been treated to lovely cupcakes. Hijikata sighed as he thought back on his own white cake with strawberry filling when a piercing scream cut through the air.

"What was that?" Shimada whispered.

Hijikata threw his brush carelessly on his desk, splattering some of the black ink on his report and the desktop. He grabbed his katana standing against the fusuma as he stood, shoving the sword as quickly as he could into his obi. He knew who was screaming, and he was immediately alert. "Chizuru!"

No one seemed to notice the familiar use of her name as they were too busy scrambling to her quarters. Upon arrival, the shoji was found wide open, and the unmistakable growl of a rasetsu was heard. Hijikata drew his blade as he entered the room, taking note of everything. The rest of the captains arrived behind him as his eyes landed on Chizuru cowering against the back wall of her room with the rasetsu hovering over her. A hand was covering an obvious wound on her arm, and that wound infuriated Hijikata.

"Chizuru!" he cried as he ran to push the man out of his way, placing himself between her and the creature. "Stand back!"

Harada came into the room followed by Saitō. The rasetsu lunged towards them, and Hijikata grabbed Chizuru, dodging the creature's grasp. Saitō and Harada dispatched the creature, while Hijikata kept the young woman safe in his arms. He could feel her trembling with fear, and he knew that keeping her wrapped in his arms would be best for her right now, even if it was a little unseemly for them to be standing so close. Once they were sure he was dead, Chizuru stepped away from Hijikata.

"What the hell happened?"

When someone asked that very question aloud, a voice spoke from behind them. "Moushiwake arimasen. My carelessness is to blame."

They turned around, surprised, to see Sannan, his eyes hard and his mouth set in a grimace. It appeared an explanation was going to be given; however, it was interrupted by the untimely arrival of Itou-san. Once they had dealt with Itou and his histrionics upon discovering that "S-S-S-Sannan-san" was still alive—never mind the dead rasetsu in Chizuru's room—as well as Sannan's little episode over Chizuru's blood, something caught Hijikata's attention. He narrowed his eyes at the commander of the Fury Corps. The man was no longer disoriented following his brief rasetsu transformation, but his face was pale and shone slightly with perspiration. However, that was not what had drawn Hijikata's eye. He needed a word with Sannan. Alone.

Hijikata interrupted the others' discussion. "We can talk about this later. First, this mess needs to be cleaned up, and someone, take care of that body."

Harada nodded. "That tatami has to go."

Shinpachi frowned as he looked around the room. "The shoji is gonna need replacing, too."

As everyone started handling the tasks at hand, Hijikata turned to face Chizuru. "You're injured and you need rest. Obviously you can't stay in here. You can stay in my room tonight."

Chizuru's eyes widened, and she looked like she was about to question his decision. He cut her off with a gesture and said firmly, "Go."

He could tell she had little desire to remain in the grisly, blood-covered room as she hastily scurried out. When the last of the captains began returning to their rooms, Hijikata gripped Sannan's shoulder tightly with his hand.

"Sannan-san. A word." He paused, considering the lingering metallic scent of blood in the room despite it having been cleaned. "Better talk in the common room."

Sannan's face remained impassive as they walked to the common room. Once inside, Hijikata regarded his friend.

"So. Want to tell me why that rasetsu go loose tonight? Got anything to do with those crumbs?" Hijikata looked pointedly at the near-invisible crumbs lightly dotting Sannan's hunter-green kimono.

Sannan averted his gaze, and a faint trace of color pinked high on his cheeks. Most people would have missed it, but Hijikata knew him well enough to spot his embarrassment.

"Well? Spit it out." Hijikata's lips twisted in a frown and his brows furrowed. His patience was running thin.

Sannan sighed deeply. "I apologize, Hijikata-kun. This situation is…less than desirable, and I take full responsibility. I…" His voice trailed off, and he appeared to be trying to decide how to phrase whatever came next.

Hijikata said nothing, the silence stagnant and uncomfortable between them.

Sannan began again. "I heard that Saitō-kun had been baking again…and I may have indulged in a certain dark chocolate cupcake left neglected in the kitchen. Unfortunately, that also left the rasetsu unattended, and I was remiss in my duties to keep them contained. I will subject myself to whatever unpleasantness you and Kondō-san see fit as punishment."

Anger trickled out of Hijikata like water in a sieve. What further punishment could he heap on the man? It wasn't as if seppuku would be effective now. Not only that, but he was certain that Sannan was suffering much more than he let on now that he was a rasetsu. Besides, Sannan was like a brother to him. He cursed under his breath.

"Oh hell, Sannan-san, it was bound to happen at some point. Can't say I like Itou knowing about it, but I suppose it works in our favor." Hijikata rubbed at the bridge of his nose tiredly, and then continued. "That weaselly bastard has been planning to split up the Shinsengumi anyway. This just speeds the process up a little bit and gets the idiot out of here sooner."

Behind his glasses, Sannan's eyes narrowed slightly, and he curved his lips in a sly smile. "You're planning something, aren't you?"

"Could be," Hijikata said vaguely. Then, with a tone not quite imperceptibly petulant, "Oi. Sannan-san. At least tell me how good the damned cupcake was!"

Sannan smirked. "Oh my, Hijikata-kun, extremely so. It was superb…a devil's food cake with tart cherry filling and a dark chocolate ganache. I'm quite happy becoming a rasetsu did not impair my ability to enjoy good food."

Hijikata glared at him. "Temeeee…Now you're just trying to annoy me. I'm going to bed." He rolled his eyes at Sannan and stalked out of the common room, clearly jealous of Sannan's indulgence despite all that had happened that night.

The next morning, a tense meeting took place between Kondō, Hijikata, and Itou. The Shinsengumi were at a crossroads, and the forbidding atmosphere was felt all over the compound. By the end of the meeting, it was agreed that Itou and his men would split from the main Shinsengumi forces and become Guardians of the Imperial Tomb. Joining Itou was Tōdō Heisuke and Saitō Hajime. The departure of the two captains was a devastating loss to the entirety of the troop, but none felt it as keenly as Hijikata. As he settled in his chamber to write haiku as a way to vent his frustration, he realized that, through his political maneuvering, he had deprived himself of his much-beloved cupcakes. All he could do was hope that his gamble paid off.