Finding the way…

The lair was eerily quiet when the team left. There was the usual flurry of activity after a big take-down. Excited break-downs of the fight were discussed at length. When the team left, they took their youthful enthusiasm with them and left Felicity to her beloved computers in peace. The faint beeping and whirling of one of the processors was all the sound to keep her company as she sat with her feet curled up underneath her in front of the computer. Her heels were long discarded under the desk. It was nearly midnight and her feet deserved a break.

Oliver returned from the shower, toweling his hair dry as he approached. "They gone already? They're like a pack of excited school kids when we have a good night out there."

"Yeah I think they were going to get something to eat. They told me to tell you they were heading to Chan's if you wanted to follow," Felicity responded, her eyes only leaving the screen briefly to throw Oliver a fleeting smile. She didn't dare let her eyes fall on him too long. Despite their difficult break-up, she still got flutters seeing him in what can only be described as an attractive pose. His tight white T-shirt rode up enough over his jeans when he dried his hair that she got a peak of his abs. The abs she used to lick before moving lower…

"Earth to Felicity," Oliver said loudly, breaking her reverie.

Felicity jumped, not realizing he had stepped closer to her and was cocking his head to try to make eye contact with her.

"Sorry Oliver. I was in another world there. Another time actually…' She stopped herself before her thoughts could resume on this track.

"I was just asking if you wanted to get something to eat. I'm not really in the mood for Chinese but I'll treat you to your favorite sushi if you like. They close in 20 though so we'd have to move fast." Oliver put his foot up on the chair next to Felicity to tie his laces and the brief disequilibrium meant he brushed against her. It was just for a moment but it was enough time for her to get a brief smell of his scent. It was clean and fresh mixed with his own unique masculine musk.

"Em. I better not thanks. I have my alarm set for 7am to go to the gym. If I miss my Saturday morning boxercise, I'm not right for the weekend." Felicity made an effort to reach under her chair to retrieve her shoes. The wheels slipped on the chair but Oliver's quick reflexes caught her before she slid off the chair. Felicity hopped up in an overly exuberant manner to mask her slight embarrassment.

"Thanks Oliver. You got to love those lightening quick movements of yours," she laughed softly, trying to not make eye contact. When she looked up though, she realized Oliver wasn't laughing and was looking at her with concern.

"Are you still not sleeping well?" Oliver asked. "Did you think about talking to a counselor?"

"And tell them what?" There was no malice, just a sadness in her reply. "I blew up thousands of people and hear their cries in my sleep every night? I think they'd put me in a straight jacket before I could blink." Felicity realized that Oliver still held her arm. It was a gentle grip and she noticed he was rubbing small circles with his thumb on her bare flesh. Felicity didn't know if this was a conscious act but was enjoying the sensation despite her higher judgment telling her not too.

"Come on out for something to eat with me. You can talk to me Felicity." Her heart still jumped slightly sometimes at the way he said her name.

"I don't think that's a good idea Oliver." She moved to turn away on the pretext of retrieving her shoes but in reality to get her hand from his grasp. She was enjoying the sensation too much for someone who was supposed to be in a relationship with someone else. Malone was a good guy. He didn't deserve to be betrayed, even in this small way. Felicity wasn't that kind of person.

"Why not?" Oliver's voice relayed the hurt that her response gave. "It's just two friends going out to eat." Oliver's posture made him look small, his shoulder slumping at her words. Without her shoes, he was a good head bigger than her but he seemed to be so fragile in front of her.

"You know we're never going to be 'just friends'."

"You're right," Oliver straightened up and his words held a little more bite. "Yeah you're right. We were two people who knew each other better than anyone else and planned to spend the rest of our lives together and now we're what?" Oliver's hurt was spilling through in his words. He shook his head to try to restrain himself. "Are we nothing to each other?"

Felicity reached her hand out towards him but he flinched away as if her touch would burn. "Oliver no. Don't say that!" She retracted her hand into a small fist and held it to her stomach like she was holding in the pain his words imbued in her.

"Then what are we? You don't even want to get food with me. Any time our conversation gets even a little bit personal, you retreat. How am I supposed to…" Oliver stopped himself.

"Supposed to what?" Felicity asked, her eyes watery.

"Nothing. Night!" Oliver spun around and headed towards the elevator.

Felicity jogged after him, her feet still bare and making her feel very vulnerable and open. "Wait! Please Oliver. How are you supposed to what?" She caught up with him and gripped his forearm.

He didn't turn but his voice was wavering subtly. "I said nothing. I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry for pushing you to come out with me."

"You weren't pushing. I just want to know what the rest of that sentence was going to be." Her voice was soft. Oliver's greatest weakness in this world was still Felicity and her pleading, hurt tone made him turn half way to look in her direction. However he couldn't look her directly in the eye.

"How am I supposed to ever make it up to you?" Oliver's eyes focused on her feet- brightly painted toes contrasting with the metal floor underfoot.

Felicity's breath held painfully in her chest. "What do you mean?"

"All I've wanted to do since I betrayed you was make it up to you. I thought if I gave you space and time that you'd let me back into your life and I could try to make it up to you in any way that I could but I never seemed to be able to." Oliver's voice wavered again. He cleared it trying to get the courage to finish his sentence. "And now you've moved on and I'll never be able to."

Felicity saw tears threatened to form in his eyes. He turned the extra half circle to face her but his eyes only made it as far as her hands and saw the matching painted nails on her fingers that she was picking at wildly. He saw as she raised her hand up and his eyes followed until he realized that her hand was going to his face. She barely touched his skin along the jawline but didn't remove her hand from his face. "Oliver. I'm sorry." The whole situation was too much and tears fell from her eyes.

With her words Oliver straightened and looked her in the eyes. "You never have to apologize to me. You were nothing but the most supportive and trusting partner anyone could wish for and I ruined that. I don't ever want to hear those words from your mouth again." Oliver allowed his eyes to fall ever so briefly to her mouth, her bright lips pursed together. Lips he adored. Lips he yearned to be allowed to adore again. He lifted his eyes back to hers at the sound of her sniffles. "I have caused you enough pain and I don't want to be the cause of another single tear falling from your eyes again." As if his body was on cue with his words, a few quiet tears fell from Oliver's eyes.

Felicity looked at him through watery lids and yearned to pull him into her chest and soothe him. She used to spend many nights with his head on her lap soothing away his nightmares, rubbing her hands through his hair until the terrors receded. Eventually his nightmares lessened. "Oliver. I don't know what to do."

"You always know what to do," Oliver tried to joke.

Felicity became very aware of where her hand was placed on his jaw. She dropped it from his face but Oliver caught in gently in between his two hands. Felicity heaved a huge sigh.

Oliver gently squeezed her hands in his. "You're the greatest person I have ever known and I'm just trying to find a way that I can still have you in my life."

"I said I was sorry…" She shushed him when he tried to protest her apology again… "because I didn't give you a chance. I was happier than I had ever been when I was with you. When you…" Felicity stopped.

"Lied and betrayed your trust," Oliver interjected.

Felicity eyes shut tightly briefly at his words. "When everything happened with William, I made it all about me. I was betrayed. I was lied to. I never stopped to consider that I was just adding you to the list of men that I thought had betrayed me throughout my life. You're not my Dad or Cooper but my anger was clouding that. I felt that I owed it to myself to not be lied to. I never let myself consider that you are allowed to make mistakes."

Oliver was stunned by her brutal honesty. "You shouldn't have to accept someone lying to you. You deserve better. And maybe that's why I didn't fight for you harder. I thought you deserved better."

Felicity's eyes had fallen from his and her eyes were focused on their intertwined hands. "If you were going to fight for me, what would you have said?"

Oliver was caught off guard by her question and stuttered slightly in his response. "I… I would have told you that I had every intention of telling you about William but that I was seeing if I could get Samantha on my side first. When you were shot, Samantha saw it on the news and threatened to not let me see William again. I talked her down but it lessened my resolve to tell you. I felt that you had been hurt time and again and needed time to recover. You were learning to live with being in a wheelchair and every time I went to say the words to you that I had a son, my nerve went. The longer it went on, the more difficult it became. I thought you would hate me for keeping it from you for so long. I told myself I'd be braver and not marry you until I told you everything. But unfortunately Darkh interrupted that plan. I know it's not an excuse but that's it. All of it."

Felicity pulled gently from his grip and turned her back to him, walking towards the computers and taking a seat. She held her head in her hands, unable to formulate her thoughts into words.

She looked up when she heard Oliver walk towards the locker area. He kept a large locked box in his locker that contained his journals. Oliver walked towards her with the box. It contained about twenty small diaries. "Please read these some time. I plan to burn them in some cathartic manner but before I do, you might read them. I don't want or expect anything from you after reading them and you never have to bring them up or this conversation up again if you don't like but they might help you understand." Oliver placed the box on the computer desk and offered Felicity a gently smile. "Please. I know you owe my nothing but…" Oliver didn't really have an adequate end to his sentence. He tapped nervously on the top of the box before heading towards the elevator.

Felicity watched him retreat in silence. Long after he had gone, she stared at the box of journals. Had she the strength to read all of Oliver's deepest thoughts?

There will be a next chapter. I don't know how many chapters but I'd say only a few. Thanks for reading.