Chapter 29

Wednesday afternoon

Louise waved goodbye as Jack's car reversed out of the driveway. It had been good to catch up with her family and had been an especially good distraction from everything that was going on with Spencer.

She had confided in her Mum on Tuesday night and Anita agreed she was best to let him work out his issues and to give him time, but not too much time, she warned.

She would miss her Mum, but was looking forward to having her back in just over a week for the fundraiser and she was quite glad to get her house back to herself. She was behind in paperwork, both work and charity so she planned to spend the afternoon catching up.

She had been working away for a couple of hours when an email appeared.

From: MACKIE, Stephen

Subject: Fundraiser Ball

Her stomach dropped. An email. From Steve. They'd had very little contact in the 18 months since the split, something he had been reluctant to follow through on, but upon which she had insisted. She had to keep him away in order to get through it. Even during last year's ball, he had allowed his hotel manager to handle everything and had stayed away from the event. She hoped he wasn't planning to change that this year. With a racing heart she opened the email.

Hello Louise,

Long time no see/speak. I hope you're well. It's still strange not being in touch with you. I know you wanted to keep it that way, but I'm still around if you ever want to talk.

Anyway I've just had a conference call with Heidi and she tells me everything is set for next Saturday so I wanted to wish you all the best for the night. I'm so proud of the work you do for the charity. What else can I say?

Best always

Steve

She sat back and sighed. He was polite, respectful, kind. A good guy, like she had told her Mum. She just hadn't been enough for him and that hurt, a lot.

And now she wondered if she was enough for Spencer either. Maybe she just made bad choices when it came to men.

She wanted to speak to Spencer, she missed him. They hadn't seen each other since Monday night, though they had texted a few times. She admitted to herself she had been avoiding him. She was still smarting from his rejection. No matter what he said, she felt that's what it was. However, now she was having a bad day, she wanted to see him, spend time with him. Her heart was betraying her head.

She picked up her phone to text him, but phoned Jo instead.

Jo was a close friend as well as an employee and incredibly practical. Talking to her always helped Louise see things more clearly. Her main piece of advice was the one Louise went with,

"Why don't you want to text him?"

"I'm pushing him away cos he pushed me away."

"So you're punishing him?"

"I suppose."

"But you want to speak to him?"

"Yes."

"Then who are you really punishing?"

"Me I guess."

"Exactly. Lou, just text the man, you're allowed to have some fun. Just get him round and chill out."

So she did, but she went one better.

"Hi Louise, how are you?"

"Hey Spencer, I'm pretty rubbish actually. I'm having a bad day and I'm going to stay in tonight in my Jammies and order pizza."

"Ok..."

"Want to eat pizza in your Jammies with me?"

Spencer chuckled, "I'll be there."

Louise felt calmer than she had since she said goodbye to him on Monday.

7.00 p.m.

Louise was pottering in the kitchen when she heard a knock at the conservatory door. She made her way through and smiled when she saw Spencer standing there, true to his word in his pyjamas. She opened the door, leaning on it playfully,

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hey, is this suitable attire?."

She looked him up and down. He wore tartan lounge trousers, fluffy socks under his converse and a well worn hoodie with MIT emblazoned across the front.

"I reckon so." She laughed, "Come in".

As he passed her, he dropped a kiss on her cheek. She appreciated the gesture especially as he didn't try to push that any further.

"Can I get you a drink? Juice? Water?"

"Juice would be good thanks."

"Diet coke ok?"

Spencer seemed puzzled, then Louise clicked, she laughed, leaning into the fridge.

"Soda." She held up a can of coke. "Fruit juice." she held up a carton of orange juice.

Spencer laughed and shook his head, "Fruit juice then please. There's that translation issue again."

She looked out the pizza menu and they got comfy in the living room.

"It's quite warm actually," she said taking her hoodie off, "maybe summer is on the way after all."

Spencer laughed,

"What?!" She asked indignantly.

He pointed to her t-shirt with the words "Soft kitty Warm kitty" on the front. She looked down,

"Oh yeah, I love Big Bang."

He unzipped his MIT hoodie to reveal a similar t-shirt with Bazinga across the front.

They both laughed then and she felt any tension between them melt away.

"I've been likened to Sheldon you know?" Spencer said ruefully.

"Why because you're incredibly intelligent and have an eidetic memory."

"Yeah, that and the emotional difficulties and not knowing when to shut up with the facts" he shrugged.

Louise rubbed his shoulder affectionately,

"The emotional difficulties? That's because of your family situation. And the not knowing when to shut up? I come from a family of those, although it's not useful facts it's just non-stop blethering!"

Spencer leaned his cheek against her hand on his shoulder. It was such a simple gesture and she felt her heart opening a little more. She hugged him and he held her tightly back.

"Right", she said pulling away after a few seconds, "let's order pizza."

It took them 25 mins to finally agree on the order, a fact which her stomach was not happy about.

"I'm very picky about my pizza," Spencer said apologetically.

"As am I, but I've never met someone as bad as me and I'm thinking the two of us together make for a long wait!"

Once they'd finally ordered, Louise scooted back on the large sofa, resting her head on a cushion.

Spencer turned to face her, snuggling into the throw.

"Do you wanna tell me why your day was so bad?" he brushed her hand with his outstretched fingers.

"Well, I had an email..."

"Ok?"

"It was from Steve." She looked down.

"Steve? Your ex Steve?" Spencer sounded concerned.

"Yes."

"And what did he want?" Spencer was trying to control the rising panic in his stomach.

"Just to wish me luck for the ball next Saturday. Told me he's around if I want to talk." She shrugged.

"And do you? Want to talk to him I mean?"

She shook her head, "No, I told you I broke all, but necessary contact. It's just sad, how it all turned out. It would have been good to be friends."

"Maybe you will one day." Spencer was trying to be fair, measured and not act like a jealous idiot.

"Maybe."

"Will he be there? At the ball?" Spencer was praying this wasn't going to be an old flame catch up that he would have to witness.

"No no. He didn't come last year either. I told you he's a good guy."

Spencer felt uneasy at Louise's defending of her ex partner. It showed a depth of character that was admirable, but he couldn't help feeling like Steve didn't deserve it. Of course had he not left her, Spencer wouldn't have had the chance to get to know her as he was now. He also felt guilty that he wasn't treating her much better than Steve. He hadn't left her, but he was struggling with the intricacies of a relationship.

The silence stretched between them, both thoughtful. Eventually Louise broke it,

"So what about this IT guy Derek wants to set me up with?" She teased, but Spencer felt it was yet another guy to worry about.

He sighed, "He's called Rory, he was fixing Penelope's computer the other day-"

"What?! And she let him?!"

Spencer laughed, "Yeah it was awkward to say the least. I suspect that she quite likes him though. Derek doesn't seem to have noticed and now he thinks you and he would hit it off."

"And I'm assuming you didn't correct him?" She asked gently, trying not to sound accusatory.

"No, you know..." Spencer trailed off.

"It's ok, I do know." She patted his hand.

"Will we make Derek's party on Saturday?"

"I think so, I've booked an early dinner so we should get to his by 8.30pm."

"Cool."

"Ready to fight off the IT guy advances." She smiled playfully.

"The flaw in that plan being that Rory doesn't know he's supposed to be advancing on you."

They both laughed, things between them relaxed again.

Once the pizza arrived they settled to watch some TV, nothing specific, just some light hearted comedy.

"This pizza is really good," said Spencer.

"Yeah, worth the long debate," Louise laughed.

"Mm yeah, it reminds me of one I used to get back home, in DC I mean," he clarified.

"Really? Was it a restaurant?"

"Yeah I used to go all the time with Em-" he stopped short, unsure where to look.

"Spencer it's ok to talk about her."

He shook his head slightly. Louise sat up a little straighter,

"Tell me about Emily." she encouraged him gently.

"Don't you mind?"

"No, I told you, I want to know you. And she is part of you and your story."

"Ok...if anything bothers you, will you say."

"Yes."

"Um I don't really know where to start."

"When did you first meet her?"

"Just when she joined the team. Hotch wasn't that keen to have her to begin with. He thought she was a mole to spy on us, but she proved herself quickly and she was extremely good at her job. She'd travelled a lot because her Mother was a diplomat. It meant she had an affinity for languages so we had a lot in common. We used to go and see foreign language movies and try not to read the subtitles, stuff like that. The others thought we were crazy." Spencer smiled at the memory.

"Did you ever ask her out?"

"No! Um...no."

"Did you ever think about trying to ask her out?"

"All the time. Especially on the way back on the jet. We'd all be tired and cranky. Usually emotional from whatever case we'd been on. People would chill out anyway they could; sleep, music, books, board games, all that stuff, but there'd always be a calm. We'd all just be closer, quieter. So many times she'd be sleeping in the seat next to me or we'd be chatting in the dim light and I'd think I'm gonna do this. Then I'd open my mouth and I wouldn't." He looked dejected.

"If you were still there, if Emily was still alive, do you think you would have done it by now? Like telling her how you feel...um felt?"

"No I don't."

Louise was shocked by his direct response. She didn't know what to say, but Spencer continued,

"It's terrible to say, but her death was the wake up call I needed. If she'd still been alive I'm pretty sure I'd still be wandering around full of unrequited love, thinking "someday one day'".

"How did she die?"

"During a case, I can't really talk about it, but it involved her ex-partner. He killed her during a fight and he's not been seen since. The team are still actively looking for him, but he's gone to ground and who knows if they'll ever find him. At least Emily's safe from him now."

"That's true, but I'm so sorry Spencer. Even though it meant I got to meet you, I'm so terribly sorry you lost her."

"Me too." He sighed and squeezed her hand. "When I met you though I knew I had to be a bit braver. I realise I'm still working on that, but at least I've told you how I feel."

Louise gripped his hand in hers,

"Thank you for telling me and about Emily too."

She moved closer to him on the sofa, snuggling into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and they enjoyed just being there together, each with their own thoughts.