Asuka would have liked this.

That was a depressing thought if there ever was one, but it was true. The redhead had adapted to Japanese society without many troubles, all things considered, but that had never stopped her from griping about how so many things were so much better in Germany. So she would most certainly have liked a German Christmas Fair coming to Tokyo-3. To what was left of the city, anyway.

Small wooden booths lined up along the pedestrian shopping mile, decorated with fir branches and lights arranged in the form of stars. In fact, fir branches were everywhere. Shinji wondered where they all came from; there certainly were not enough fir trees in all of now tropical Japan left to provide so many of them. And candles... there also were so many candles. Half the booths had some on the counter. Many were electric, but there were also quite a few real ones.

To be honest, compared to Japanese festivals, what the Christmas fair offered was a bit underwhelming. Half the booths were devoted to eating and drinking, and most of those were exactly the same: Either selling grilled sausages, or mulled wine. Still, it was something new for Shinji. He liked going through the Christmas Fair.

Of course, he suspected he would have liked going through pretty much anything, if it was in Kaworu's presence.

The greyhaired boy was, what else, smiling, his gaze wandering from booth to booth, his interest and enthusiasm plain to see on his face. He stopped at one booth, which was selling what looked like miniatures of houses, though Shinji didn't know what those were good for or what they had to do with Christmas. But Kaworu looked at them with interest.

"What even are those?" Shinji asked him.

Kaworu shrugged. "I have absolutely no idea." The way he said it, he seemed to find that delightful.

"Uh, didn't you say you're from Germany?" Shinji asked. He had wondered about the Japanese name; two people coming from Germany with Japanese names within half a year was a bit odd.

"I've never had much opportunity to visit Christmas fairs," Kaworu explained. "I never had much free time." His ever-present smile broadened. "In a way, this is my first Christmas fair. And that in Japan."

"Kinda ironic," Shinji muttered.

"Yes, but also quite comfortable," Kaworu opined. "I think I like going here all the more because it is with you."

Shinji still did not know how to properly react to all the open praise and affection he was getting from Kaworu. It was certainly a reason why he liked so much to be around him... which in turn made him feel awkward; was he so pathetic that he latched onto people just because of some kind words? But the matter of fact was nobody had ever spoken such kind words to him.

At least, not unconditionally. His father hadn't really spoken with him, period, since his mother had died; his tutor had always just coldly evaluated him; and Misato had made any praise contingent on him piloting EVA. He had liked Asuka's lively attitude, but her first concern had always been to maintain her own supremacy, and Ayanami... Ayanami had been safe, but oh so distant. Besides, both were far beyond his reach now. So Kaworu was something unexpected, something new, something... good.

Kaworu also appreciated the fur blankets laid out in front of the next booth, though he didn't seem to find them quite as fascinating as the miniature houses. That was another aspect of him, his sheer, unbridled sense of wonder about the world around him. After everything that had happened the past few months, the world was a drab and grey place for Shinji. But Kaworu could find delight and wonder even in the smallest things.

"We should get some of the mulled wine," Kaworu spoke up. "I think it's customary to drink at least one cup when visiting a Christmas fair."

"I... uh... I don't think alcohol would be a good idea," Shinji protested. Japan was a very relaxed society when it came to alcohol and minors, regardless of what the official laws said, but even so, he had had basically no experience with it.

"You like a clear mind?" Kaworu asked.

"I just... don't know what I'd do if I got drunk," Shinji muttered. "And just some sips of sake already get me mostly there."

"Ah," Kaworu replied as if he had had an epiphany. "The loss of control... yes. It is good to stay in control. If one can. To choose freely and soundly."

Shinji was glad to be understood, but he still couldn't keep himself from scoffing. He hadn't exactly had much free choice these past months. He had to pilot Evangelion or the entire world would be destroyed. Sometimes he wished Kaji had never told him that. Maybe it would have been better to die in ignorance, once Zeruel had broken through to Terminal Dogma.

But that's a selfish thought. People like Kaworu, Misato, Ayanami, Asuka, Kensuke... they deserve to live.

"It'd still be a pity to break with tradition," Kaworu mused. He smiled as an idea hit him. "I invite you to a cup, and if you feel control slipping, you simply don't finish it."

Shinji sighed. His lips curled up slightly. It would be an utter shame to stop Kaworu in his current fascination with all things Christmas. Shinji couldn't stay in his presence without his sense of wonder rubbing off on him, and he didn't want this to take away from him.

"Very well," Shinji agreed. "Let's see why so many booths here are dedicated to it."

The cup was quite thick, purple with a silver carving on it. Shinji supposed it showed a German old town or something. It was also quite warm. From what he had heard, Germany still got winters, so warmed up wine made sense there, maybe. In the eternal summer of Japan, it felt a bit out of place.

The mulled wine tasted... bitter. Full of spices, but that only made the taste weirder. And he immediately felt a sort of throbbing in his head.

Kaworu smiled sympathetically when he saw his reaction. "It seems your estimation of your reaction was accurate. It's good to know oneself."

Shinji just smiled awkwardly. It was just like Kaworu to wax poetically even over such small things.

"Isn't that Ayanami over there?" Kaworu asked.

Shinji followed his gaze. Indeed, out there, standing alone amidst a moving crowd, was a familiar figure with blue hair. Shini's so far good mood soured. Ayanami... He hadn't spoken with her since Akagi's relevations. Was unable to speak with her, now knowing what she was. How did one speak to a girl who had been created, whose body had been one out of dozens in a tank? A girl of which he had seen dozens of versions just disintegrate?

Worse yet, a girl he had found to be... attractive, had maybe even been attracted to – but which he now knew was a clone of his mother. He felt bile rising inside him just thinking about that.

But there also was something else. "How odd," Shinji muttered.

"Hm?" Kaworu voiced.

"She never seemed to have much of a concept of free time or entertainment," Shinji explained. No wonder, given her origins... "To see her here..." He shrugged. "It's odd."

"You could ask her about it," Kaworu suggested.

"I don't think so," Shinji mumbled.

Kaworu laughed. It was a clear, friendly, fresh laugh. "What's the worst that could happen?" Then he turned around. "Ayanami! Over here! Come! Have a cup of mulled wine as well."

No, Kaworu, what are you doing?

Ayanami looked in their direction for a moment, as if confused. Then she silently set herself in motion and reached them without speaking a word.

Shinji desperately wanted to look away, but that would be rude. So he just looked at the ground, hoping that the whole situation would pass him by as quickly as possible. Once, Ayanami's presence had been calming to him. Even when he had fallen on her nude fig... Gah! It was his mother's body she had. Or that one time... that one time she had in fact looked like a mother to him. And after all that, how could he now talk to her?

He had seen her die. A dozen times, several dozen times. She was not... she was a person. That was part of the problem. Shinji could not just dismiss her as just a clone, or an angel and hence enemy or whatever. It was Ayanami, so Shinji just could not. But how did one talk to such a person?

"Hello, Ayanami," Kaworu greeted her. The bluehaired girl just nodded. Kaworu turned towards Shinji. "So, Shinji, you were saying...?"

Shinji tried to say something, he really did. But he could only emit an unintelligible mumble that even he didn't know the meaning of.

Kaworu laughed his sparkling laugh again. "Oh come on. Say something."

Slowly, Shinji looked up. He could barely look Ayanami in the face, but he managed to get out, "I was just wondering... what you were doing here."

Well. That was blunt.

Shinji immediately felt bad about it, but Ayanami didn't seem to take offence. Of course. She's just as blunt. "I don't know," she answered.

"You don't know..." Shinji echoed.

"I wanted to get out of my apartment," Ayanami explained in her monotone voice, soft yet all matter of fact. "I don't know why. I heard this is an event to visit, but I don't know what to do here."

Kaworu smiled at her. "We could show you." He raised his cup of mulled wine. "Do you want one as well?"

Ayanami shook her head. "I don't think that would be good for my body." Smart girl. Shinji still felt a slight throbbing in his head. As she didn't answer the rest of Kaworu's question and didn't move, an awkward silence fell over the trio.

Shinji was increasingly unnerved by this silence, until he finally blurted out, "You wanted to get out of your apartment?" That did sound unusual for her.

Ayanami nodded. "I feel these impulses now and then. Impulses I have no memory of. It's sometimes difficult to cope with."

"Since when have you been having those impulses?" Kaworu asked.

"Always," Ayanami answered. "But the Second didn't have them,"

Immediately, Shinji cast his view down again. The Second. "His" Ayanami. Which made this Ayanami... Shinji didn't know what or who this Ayanami was to him. Was she in fact Rei Ayanami?

"So you're the Third," Shinji heard Kaworu mutter. "Well, if there's anything we can do to help you..."

Shinji felt guilty. That was a line he should have said. He also was in awe of Kaworu's always caring and supportive personality. He wished he could be like that, but it was plain he wasn't.

"I don't think so," Ayanami answered. She hesitated. "Are you two enjoying this event?"

"It's great," Kaworu answered. Shinji imagined a broad smile on his face, though he couldn't see it, still looking down as he was. "It has... a very particular atmosphere. There has been so much despair and pain here in the city, and now the souls of the people are delighted, if only for a small moment."

Ayanami didn't reply to that. Instead, she asked after a while, "And you, Ikari?"

Shit. "I...uh..." he stuttered.

"...I see," Ayanami answered quietly. Sadly?

"I'm sorry," Shinji whispered. He wasn't sure if an apology was needed, but he felt like it was. And he truly was sorry, but he couldn't change how he now felt about Ayanami.

"There is nothing to be sorry about," Ayanami responded calmly. "It's my nature."

For a moment Shinji noted how strange their conversation would probably seem to an onlooker. Fortunately, the Christmas fair had very few visitors, all things considered. There weren't many people left in Tokyo-3.

He felt awful about being let off the hook so easily. Asuka never would have allowed that. "It shouldn't be," he muttered passively. "And I shouldn't behave like such an idiot."

"It can't be helped," Ayanami simply stated. Shinji saw how her legs turned around, and then walked away. He still kept his gaze down for a long time afterwards.

Kaworu laid a hand on his shoulder. That made Shinji turn his head to him. By Japanese conventions, Kaworu was incredibly touchy-feely. That had caused quite some embarrassment for Shinji in the time immediately after the new pilot's arrival, but by now he found he didn't mind anymore. It was reassuring, in fact.

"Come, let's return the cups," Kaworu simply said.

Out here, one wouldn't think that most of what once had been Tokyo-3 was now a crater lake. The entire neighbourhood of Misato's apartment was still standing, even if the majority of apartments and houses were now empty.

"You really didn't need to accompany me all the way back here," Shinji muttered.

"It's not a burden," Kaworu assured him. "Besides, it's on my way, allowing for a bit of a detour."

"A bit," Shinji mumbled, knowing full well that it was actually quite much of a detour for his friend. But Kaworu had insisted, and one could certainly walk a route from the Christmas fair to his apartment via the Katsuragi residence.

Shinji was about to open the door, when it did that all by itself. He and Kaworu were suddenly faced with Misato, dressed in sloppy free time clothes and with a trash bag in her left hand.

"Hello there, Shinji, Kaworu," she greeted them. "Where have you been?"

"At the German Christmas fair that's come to town," Kaworu answered. "It's been interesting. You don't plan to go yourself?"

Misato grimaced. "I've seen plenty of the real thing in Germany. This is the cheap touristy version. Besides, it just isn't the same without winter temperatures."

"Oh, right, you've lived in Germany," Shinji mumbled. As Asuka's guardian nonetheless.

Misato sighed. "Christmas was nice there. Very different from here. None of this romance nonsense. I think Japan is a bit obsessed with that."

"What was it like?" Shinji asked. It was a bit weird standing in front of the door, talking to Misato who was standing in the door frame with a trash bag in her hand. But neither side made any moves to rectify that.

Misato scoffed. "Just as commercialized as here, for one thing. But... it was aimed at... reflection, I guess. Peace. Family and general togetherness, you know? Coming together in harmony and celebrating the big festival."

"Peace on Earth, good will to men," Kaworu muttered. When Shinji and Misato looked at him oddly, he just shrugged.

"Not that it matters here and now," Misato added morosly. "Not much family around here anymore."

"Yeah," Shinji agreed, thinking of a father that wasn't much of one.

Misato scoffed. "Of course, you just got more family..." She stopped short and let the trash bag fall to the ground. "I'm sorry, Shinji, I didn't mean to..." Her voice trailed off.

Shinji didn't even listen. His gaze made contact with its old friend, the ground. He didn't have his SDAT player with him, but he still instinctively tried to shut out the world as soon as he had heard what Misato had said. He really didn't want to think of Ayanami and the revelations about her. It was cruel of Misato to bring this up.

"But this is wonderful! Why apologize?"

In surprise, Shinji looked up abruptly. Kaworu was flashing a bright smile from ear to ear. Misato looked just as confused and slightly dismayed as Shinji felt.

"You're right, Ms Katsuragi," Kaworu went on. "Ayanami has a bond with Shinji. Isn't that a good thing?" Misato just scoffed again. Kaworu turned to Shinji. "Of course, that bond doesn't need to mean anything. But it can if you want it to. You can have a sister, if you both want it. Family, and that in time for Christmas. Just as the Major has said."

"I don't think it works that way," Misato stated curtly. She picked up the trash bag again and walked past Kaworu and Shinji without a further word, leaving behind an open door.

Once she was gone, Kaworu looked over to Shinji. "I think this is something you should consider, Shinji."

Shinji didn't response. He tightened his hands to fists.

Bare concrete walls all around her. Rei didn't care about them. The Second never had, so why should she? But... she did care. The walls were grey and depressing and hard. Those weren't thoughts that fit to her – that fit to the 'Rei Ayanami' she was, but they were there.

Why?

That was the one question she couldn't answer.

Why am I still here?

She still was Rei Ayanami. 'Rei Ayanami' was the tool to Instrumentality, and she was that tool. She still had a purpose, and that purpose defined 'Rei Ayanami'. She should have been content to wait for fulfilling that purpose, as the Second was.

But there was so much more inside her than there ever was inside the Second. The Second's memories were oddly hollow, like she had just watched her life as if it had been a cinema movie. But Rei... Rei felt things. Things for which she had no context. Or things that made no sense in that context. The Second had felt anger at the angels, for example. Had felt an instinctive need to defend humanity, and her... the Commander's plans. But Rei felt a constant tingle of anger, and when she thought of the Commander... she looked over to the desk. His glasses lay there, dented but not broken. She had wanted to break them, but hadn't brought that over herself.

Why?

And then, there was the Commander's son. That was the last thing the Second had realized: Her feelings of love and care towards Shinji Ikari. The second to last thing she had ever felt, before seeing her Commander smile one last time. But Rei's feelings towards the Commander were much more ambiguous, so that left his son. What did she feel towards him? The same as the Second?

It doesn't matter. He is repulsed by who and what I am.

...was that sadness she was feeling? No. Not sadness. Loneliness. Just like Armisael did...

Maybe she and the angels were in fact the same. Maybe she hence was the same as Nagisa, just as the boy who was not a boy had said. All her life had been lonely. It was sad and...

...and unfair.

And that was a new conclusion. The Second would never have come to it. But Rei... for Rei it added to the constant anger she felt in the back of her mind. An anger she still was suppressing, because she didn't know how to handle it.

It's the me inside the EVA...

But was that right? That she should feel such emotions? Tools didn't feel emotions. And the Second certainly had never seen herself as more than that. But there was something inside Rei that protested against that.

Abruptly, she stood up from her bed. She had to go outside, outside those oppressive grey walls, away from the constant noise outside, away from her own thoughts. Without regarding her apartment further, she just stepped outside and started walking aimlessly.

Of course, there was not much she could go to. The interior of Tokyo-3 was now a lake. Only the most northern and most eastern parts of the city were still standing. In fact, one could see the lake from Rei's apartment; that bloc had only barely been spared destruction. She walked along the shores of the lake for a while, structures of steel and cement prodding from beneath its surface. A picture of destruction painted over by water.

City... a human creation. Man feared the night and invented fire and the city. But the night came nonetheless.

Had she failed her bond to humanity? Or was that the Second? Or was it no failure at all, but just human nature? To go on and on no matter what, no matter the price, even utilizing the very flesh of their enemies.

Clinging to life. That is human nature.

So why didn't she?

Abruptly, she turned away from the lake an re-entered what was left of the city. Nobody was on the streets there. There simply weren't enough people left in Tokyo-3 to fill the streets. But that was all the better for Rei. She had the whole city to herself.

There was a sound coming from around the corner.

She looked into the direction of the sound. There was a Christian church not far from the intersection. It had always been oversized for Tokyo-3's very small Christian community, but apparently people thought it looked nice and improved the city's vista. Rei couldn't tell the difference, but that sound interested her. Music...

She walked up to the church. There was a notice on the wooden doors of the church. Apparently, a choir was singing Christmas carols inside, and entry was free. Carefully, Rei opened the door...

"Adeste, fideles, laeti triumphantes:
Venite, venite in Bethlehem:
Natum videte Regem angelorum."

Rei stood in the door frame for over a minute, too captivated by the music to move. Then she slowly, carefully shut the door and moved, nearly on tip-toes, to the nearest bench to sit down. There were half a dozen benches in front of her which were completely empty, but she didn't care. She didn't want to come closer to the at best one or two dozen people at the front of the benches, she just wanted to listen to the music.

Want... The Second had never wanted anything. But Rei couldn't deny the music sounded nice.

Her AT Field tingled.

A boy turned around to look at her. A boy with grey hair and red eyes. Kaworu Nagisa. And next to him... it was Shinji Ikari. Nagisa tapped Ikari on the shoulder and nodded towards Rei. Ikari looked at her... and then immediately turned away again.

Loneliness...

Rei considered leaving again. She didn't want to burden Ikari with her presence. He was not to blame for what he felt. She was abnormal. A tool, not a human. It was a bleak realization, but true nonetheless, and it would be unfair to drag Ikari down with her in that suffering.

But she didn't move. The music went on and held her down.

"Gaudete, gaudete! Christus est natus
Ex Maria virgine, gaudete!"

Song after song, hymn after hymn, carol after carol. The notes constructed their very own universe of sound. Rei was sad when it finally stopped, when the world returned to its normal quiet dullness. She missed this magnificent weaving of melodies already, but there was nothing to be done. Silently, she turned around to leave the church again, before others would notice her. Before Ikari or Nagisa would try to...

"Ayanami! Wait up."

It was Nagisa, of course, once again. Rei did not heed him and simply walked on, but she did not increase her speed, either. Naturally, he caught up to her.

"I was surprised to see you here," he said. "Did you enjoy the concert?"

Rei was surprised herself how empathetically she nodded. "It was something I've never experienced before." She hesitated. "I wonder why I've never experienced music like this."

Nagisa shrugged. "The important thing is now you do. There's a whole world of music out there to explore. The pinnacle of Lilim culture."

Rei stopped hard in her walk as she heard that familiar Hebrew term. Both children were now standing under a tree next to the church. Without looking at Nagisa she asked, "So not yours?"

"We cannot create culture like your children do," Nagisa answered. "The Fruit of Life has given us strength, and we can always be sure in our pre-ordained roles, without any of the uncertainties and weaknesses the Lilim experience. But maybe that is our flaw. We thus cannot have culture. We don't need it. So all that is left for me to do is to enjoy Lilim culture."

Rei did not regard most of the speech. "I am not her," she answered.

"Hm?" Nagisa voiced.

"You said: 'Your children'," Rei explained. "But I'm not her."

"I see..." Nagisa answered. "Who are you then?"

"I am the one referred to as Rei Ayanami," Rei replied.

"And that's all you want to be?" Nagisa asked.

"I do not want to be at all," Rei answered.

"But you could," Nagisa told her quietly. "You have opportunities ahead of you. Not everyone does. You should appreciate that gift."

Suddenly, both of Rei's hands balled into fists. Anger washed over here. Her voice became only slightly more agitated, though. "My life is no gift to me. It has a purpose. That is all."

"I am sorry," Nagisa apologized. "It was cruel of me to speak like that. But you can still change your life."

"I am what I am," Rei merely replied.

"And some appreciate who you are, even if they can't show it," Nagisa said. He looked over his shoulder. Rei followed his gaze to see Ikari catching up to them... very slowly and very hesitantly.

When he had reached them, Nagisa suggested, "Let's go for a walk."

"Why?"

Ikari and Rei looked at each other. They both had asked that; Rei in a monotone voice and Ikari in a more petulant one.

Nagisa smiled. "And that's exactly why."

Unable to argue with that logic, both of them trotted behind the grey-haired boy. Both of them took great efforts not to look at each other. Ayanami felt... loss at that. Ikari had been the one person besides his father who had cared about her. The one person who had not known about her purpose, and yet still had cared. Of course, he also hadn't known what she was...

She couldn't blame him. In fact, she wanted to make it as easy on him as possible. That was why she avoided contact as well.

"We talked about you, Ayanami," Nagisa told her while looking over his shoulder. Beside her, Shinji looked on the ground with a bright red face.

She didn't respond. If Nagisa wanted to go somewhere with that, then it was up to him.

"Haven't we, Shinji?" Nagisa asked the Third Child.

Ikari mumbled something. Then he stopped in his walk and breathed in. Rei also stopped.

"I... ah... Ayanami... I wanted to... well, I wanted to apologize again," Ikari said. "I... I shouldn't be such a fool around you. I shouldn't have simply cut off all contact. Not even with..." He shook his head. "It shouldn't matter."

"But it does matter," Rei answered softly. "It does to you."

Shinji nodded pensively. "I... I just didn't know where we we stood anymore in regards to one another. After seeing..." He stopped himself short. "I... we... that is... we need..." He flinched. "Damnit!"

"We talked about that in the church," Nagisa chimed in. "The possibility to provide a new base for the relationship between you two. So that you can start anew."

Shinji nodded again, abruptly and forcefully this time. "Ayanami... since you are... I mean, since you share... you know, my mother's DNA... just like me, in a way... We could be... with those circumstances, I mean... we could be... if that's something you'd want as well, but..." His hands were tightly formed into fists. "Genetically, we are already siblings. We could... we could be that. In reality. Brother and sister... Rei."

…

Rei's world stopped for a moment.

A... brother?

Rei had never had family. Family was an actively antagonistic principle to the whole way her life had been.

Her life...

Another medical test. It's her first coherent memory, a nurse taking blood from her. It hurt, but the young girl of two or three years is quiet. She is used to it by now. She is also used to the rough way the nurse turns her head to check her eyes and ears, or to the rough commands. She doesn't know any different.

The same young girl lying on a bed far too large for her, surrounded by instruments and machines. She just lies there and waits. The next day the Commander will come. Finally. It is only him and Dr Akagi she sees, and then not often. She is looking forward to seeing him. Looking forward to... human contact.

Sunlight. She so rarely sees it. She is beneath the Earth most the time. In the very same room, the room with nothing in it but the too large bed and the machines. In the rare moments when she is outside, when she is driven to another laboratory or something, she sees the world outside. People walking the streets, children playing, laughter. She knows she has nothing of that, can't have any part of it. She feels empty realizing that.

The Commander talks to her again. He is the only who does. He talks about procedures, training, physical well-being. That's all he talks about. The girl still listens. It's the only conversation she ever has, after all. She is looking forward for days to hear him talk about her upcoming tasks.

The girl, now more grown, is floating naked in a tank of LCL. Hour after hour after hour, just floating there, while lab techs are all around, watching, observing their computers, keeping to themselves. She can see them all around her, but she doesn't care anymore. She knows they won't talk to her. Nobody does, except the Commander. All she can do is continue floating, just looking straight ahead or keeping her eyes closed, thinking of nothing.

An apartment in a crumbling building. Her new residence. She has simply been moved elsewhere. She now has plenty of sunlight, but that has become irrelevant. What matters is she is to wait

here now, between assignments, between medical tests, between experiments with the Evangelion prototype. So she sits here on her bed, and waits. Looking straight at the bare concrete wall in front of her. She is waiting until she is needed.

Activation tests. It hurts. The her inside the EVA resists, struggles against her bonds,, wants to get free. She has to subdue her... has to subdue herself. Because the Commander requires it. She is just a tool, and so too must the her inside the EVA be. There can be no alternative: Everything must subordinate itself to the scenario. Even her. Even another her.

She is part of the surrounding world now, the world she so far could only watch. She is enrolled in school now. All around her, students. Children her age who talk with each other, who laugh, who play with each other. Not with her, though. Some try to make contact, but it makes no difference. She is part of the outside world now, but she no longer cares. There is only the scenario anymore.

A brother. A bond. Not a general bond to humanity, but a bond to another person. A fixed, unshakable bond based on blood. Safety. But...

"I... would like to have a brother," she stated softly. Ikari looked up, hope plain to see on his face. "But... I don't know if you can be. If I can be your sister."

"Why not?" Ikari pleaded.

"You can say you're my brother," Rei explained. "And I can say I'm your sister. But words shouldn't be enough for such a bond." She hesitated. "We may also have felt other things. Would we really speak the truth then, if we call each other brother and sister?"

"Oh," Ikari voiced. It was the very emotion of disappointment itself given sound. Like something had just broken inside him. He started to turn away, but Nagisa laid a hand on his shoulder and stopped him.

"It isn't easy," the grey-haired boy spoke up, and for once he wasn't smiling. "But there can't even be an attempt unless both of you agree to it."

"I am too unsure," Rei repeated her position. "I will think over this... Shinji."

With that, she resumed walking, leaving Nagisa and Shinji behind.

"Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart,
but the very next day,
you gave it away..."

Kaworu smiled ironically. This as well was part of the wonderfully broad spectrum of Lilim music. Even though most people around him, at least those who paid attention at all, seemed to be sick of that song.

He looked at the sights around him. Lights, so many lights. Small stores, escalators... but not many people. There was only one mall left in Tokyo-3, but even so it was too large for the few people who had remained in the mostly destroyed city. Still, the shops were open, so this was the place to go in order to get Christmas presents.

It was a testament to Lilim tenacity. It wasn't just that Lilim life simply went on, despite the destruction around them, despite the by now almost weekly threat of complete extinction. It was also how Lilim society went on. Maintenance of all those lights and escalators. Trucking in the supplies for those shops. The work hours for the sales personnel inside them. And that was just the first order; behind it there were the materials the maintenance personnel needed, the logistics necessary for bringing in the supplies, the food and necessities the sales personnel and indeed every other employee needed. And then there was also a third order and fourth order... Lilim culture was wonderfully complex. By all rights it should be vulnerable and fragile, but even in this state of constant siege and destruction it simply went on.

So Kaworu could look at the scenery around him, a simple mall, and could see a marvel of Lilim civilization.

The civilization he was tasked with destroying utterly.

SEELE had told him that for some, there was hope in death. Kaworu did not understand that logic. Surely, for Lilim there could only be hope in life. Mortal and fragile as they were, they could only go on and on. That was their charm. Lilim were alone, desperate, weak... and yet... and yet they could create something as wonderful as this mall, as Christmas, as music. Their very fragility was their strength.

That was why Kaworu loved Shinji. A soul of such fragile beauty... a hero despite all that the world had thrown at him... a tender personality that had to bear the burden of the world. It was enough to make even an angel's heart melt.

And yet, he will die as well...

Was that really hope? Was that something necessary? Did he need to return to Adam just because he was born of her?

He stepped onto an escalator and kept thinking. What was the alternative? There was a reason he went through life with a detached smile. Because none of it seemed real, because nothing could truly reach him. The world was beautiful, yes, but that was also something irrelevant. It could not reach through his primary emotion: Loneliness. And he knew he could never not be lonely, even when he was together with Shinji, because he wasn't complete. There was a hole in his being, and only Adam could fill it.

That was what he longed for. An end to the everlasting loneliness. That was what he cared about, why he had come. He held no loyalty to SEELE, never had. The potential for betrayal had always been an accepted part of their relationship. No, he had come because his loneliness had driven him here. Because maybe he could end that loneliness here, end it forever. But at what price?

It was better to be detached from the world, to smile at everything with faint disinterest, than to dwell on those thoughts. And so he did again now. He would enjoy the mall, and he would get a present for Shinji. Even if maybe it didn't mean much. Even if maybe he would end it all in a week or two. Maybe there wouldn't even be another Christmas...

He sighed. There was nothing he could do, except prolonging the inevitable. He knew where they held Adam. One day, sooner or later, he would go down there. But he could delay that as long as his willpower held, and until then.. until then he fully intended to make people he cared about happy. Shinji, most of all. And apparently also Ayanami.

Now there was a beautiful irony he enjoyed. Considering how she had started it at all, how it could be said to all be her fault... No. Not her. She said so herself. She isn't her. And in a way, she was indeed just a lonely, scared, blue-haired Lilim youth. Besides, Kaworu didn't intend to blame anyone. Not her, not even SEELE. There was such a thing as tragedy without guilt. It even was beautiful as well, at some level. An intricate sadness... it was just a pity he was at the centre of it all.

He sighed. I've pondered that enough. Time to buy Christmas presents for...

He stopped short. The escalator had reached its destination... and Ayanami was standing not even five metres away from it. Deja vu.

One of his trademark smiles appeared on his face again. "Shopping as well, Ayanami?"

Slowly, the girl turned around to him. "Is that what you're doing here?"

Kaworu nodded. "Such rich bounty here. A temple to Lililm success."

"And yet you will destroy that all," Ayanami answered. She didn't shout, didn't even sound accusing or aggressive, she just stated a fact.

"Yes," Kaworu confirmed likewise. "It isn't up to me."

"I understand," Ayanami told him.

Kaworu's lips got thin. "You would. You of all people would." He paused. "Though maybe I was wrong. We're alike... but maybe not the same."

"We aren't," Ayanami confirmed. "What made you realize that?"

"You may perhaps still escape your fate," Kaworu clarified.

"Perhaps we both will," Rei answered.

Kaworu's eyes went wide. That was nothing he had expected to hear from the quiet, usually so passive girl. If even she thinks that... But no. If he didn't destroy Lilim civilization, then the hole inside him, the everlasting loneliness, would never be filled. As much as he wanted to preserve Lilim culture, that was an unbearable thought. And not even Ayanami, this special girl, could change that fact.

He smiled sadly. "Keep that optimism. It suits you." He paused. "Maybe you should apply it on yourself."

"I am," Ayanami told him. "I'm looking forward to my fate. To be released from my duty. To be finally allowed non-existence again."

"It would be one way to get rid of the loneliness," Kaworu mused quietly.

Ayanami nodded. "To not feel again. To hence never feel loneliness again."

"We are alike," Kaworu concluded.

"No," Ayanami disagreed. "For you, there is another way."

"There is, but you seem awfully calm about that fact," Kaworu remarked.

"You won't be able to go that way," Rei stated – calmly, monotonously, but firmly. "I will protect humanity. I will protect the Scenario." She hesitated. "No. I will protect Shinji."

Kaworu flashed a smile. "Good." He paused. "Shinji... his soul is the very essence of Lilim nature. The souls of both of us, Adamim and Lilim alike, have their own light that protects them. But the Lilim are hurt by that. Their souls' light separates them from one another. Our loneliness is caused by our role; their loneliness is caused by their nature. And Shinji has been hurt so often by that separation..."

"You care about him," Ayanami said as a statement of fact.

Kaworu nodded. "It is caused by his pain, but of all the Lilim I've met, his soul shines the most beautiful." He paused. "Though I would gladly trade away seeing that beauty if it meant lessening his pain. You should give him a chance. Maybe you two can build up a bond that eases the pain inside both of you."

It still took some time until Ayanami answered. "I would like that. I would like to make his proposal work, but I don't know how."

"Words are insufficient?" Kaworu prompted her to go on.

Ayanami nodded. "There is much standing between us. The history between us."

"Ah," Kaworu voiced. "You would... like him as something else than a brother?"

"I want..." For once, Ayanami hesitated, stopping in the middle of the sentence. "I care about him. The Fourth Child made me... the previous me... realize that. I want a bond with him."

"Just a bond?" Kaworu asked softly.

"That is the most important thing," Ayanami answered. "If Shinji weren't so obviously repulsed by the implications, I might have aimed for a different sort of bond. But it doesn't matter." She looked Kaworu right in the face with a, for her, determined expression. "I do not care about... kissing or romance or any of that. I just want a bond... a way to express my care and concern."

Kaworu nodded. "That genetic link between you two... it doesn't need to mean something. But it can. If you two want it to, it can make you family."

"Something I've never had," Ayanami whispered.

"All the more reason to aim for it," Kaworu told her. Something inside him cringed at that. Ayanami wasn't the only one who had never had a family...

It took over a minute until Ayanami spoke again. Both of them simply stood there, near the top of an escalator, looking at each other. That way okay; there was nearly nobody around anyway, so there was no chance of eavesdropping. Besides, Kaworu would have noticed that.

"That's why I'm here," Ayanami finally spoke up again. "I have never in my life bought Christmas gifts for anyone, but now..." She paused. "But I'm unsure how to proceed now. Unsure what would be appropriate to buy, or what Shinji would like."

"You shouldn't overthink that," Kaworu recommended softly. "The Lilim have a saying that it is the thought that counts."

"The thought," Ayanami echoed and turned around. "After this talk, I have an idea now."

She walked off.

Shinji was nervous. He opened the refrigerator again, to check inside. He looked if all tools were in place. He paced up and down the kitchen.

"Everything will be alright."

Shinji turned around on the spot. Kaworu was standing in the door frame to the living room, holding an arm over his head, his trademark slight smile on his face. He walked over to the other boy, put his hands on his shoulders and looked straight into his face.

"This isn't about things going right or wrong. This is simply about you and Ayanami getting more comfortable around each other." His smile turned into a grin. "And about cookies. Maybe cooking and baking are art forms I have paid too little attention to so far."

Shinji breathed out. Kaworu always had a way to calm him. Of course, that often came with making him nervous in other ways – the grey-haired boy seemed to have almost as little regard for social conventions as Rei, and he was very direct. But Shinji was getting used to it, and even appreciated it by now.

He immediately retracted the thought when Kaworu held the outside of his hand against his face. Blood shot into Shinji's face. Kaworu just smiled.

"Ayanami wondered if either of you could show the conviction necessary for that bond," he said. "I think your nervousness is a pretty good proof of how important this is to you. You clearly want this to work."

Shinji smiled... nervously. Kaworu withdrew his hands. To his surprise, Shinji caught himself being almost disappointed about that. He had never met a person who showed his care and concern for others so openly as Kaworu, including in physical ways.

"I would offer my help, but I don't think there's actually anything left to be done," Kaworu stated.

Shinji sighed. "Ayanami will be here in half an hour. I'm not sure what to do until then other than checking and double checking everything."

The whole idea had been born out of a casual remark made by Misato. She had visited the German Cristmas fair on its last day after all, only to complain afterwards that it was just a shallow image of German, or maybe generally 'Western', Christmas tradition. And upon Shinji asking what else they did for Christmas in Germany, Misato had mentioned baking cookies. She had in fact once done that with Asuka, when Asuka was still younger. To be exact, they had done it exactly once.

Trying to imagine a combination of Asuka's temper and Misato's skill in the kitchen, Shinji wondered why they had even made that one attempt.

But if that was what they did in Germany, and if Christmas there was about family and togetherness... then maybe that was something Shinji should also do here. With Rei. And also with Kaworu because... well, to be honest, because these days he did most things with Kaworu, and he really enjoyed that fact. Despite Kaworu's boundary violations, or maybe even in part because of them. It was just a given that Kaworu would be part of it.

Kaworu laid an arm around Shinji's waist to nudge him forward. "Let's watch some TV. Not exactly the pinnacle of L... human culture, but it'll pass the time."

Both sat down on the ground in front of the TV. After a while, without any comment and seemingly out of the blue, Kaworu began to rest his head on Shinji's shoulder. Even now, Shinji's first reaction was to widen his eyes, but then an indulging smile appeared on his face. Why shouldn't they sit like that? Kaworu obviously liked it, and he...well...

He couldn't say he didn't like the physical closeness. In fact, sometimes he found himself wishing for more. Dreaming about more, fantasizing about more. Holding Kaworu, being held by him, and, uh... yeah. Things that went beyond just physical comfort. Being a fourteen year old boy, he was used to such thoughts in general; he certainly had had them about Asuka and as for Rei, well, he hadn't needed to imagine how she looked beneath her clo... Shinji stopped that thought right there. She was his sister, period. He wanted to care about her, and he did, but as a sister. Anything else would make him sick from thinking too much about it. Though this line of thought did underscore how fragile the aimed for arrangement was...

Anyway. Kaworu. Shinji had always felt kinda guilty about thinking that way about Asuka; like he was mentally exploiting her or something. Surely, she would never have wanted to have anything to do with a wimp like him, certainly not in that way. But at least with her... well, it was something boys his age were supposed to do, right? If a very attractive redheaded foreigner their own age appeared and lived with them, and often wore very loose clothing in the house, of course they would have... certain thoughts.

And Shinji had had them. So why did he now have similar thoughts about Kaworu? That was not quite what a boy his age was supposed to be thinking. Shinji was aware about issues of sexual orientation, of course, but he had never had any reason to apply them to himself. It was just not a frame of reference he used for himself.

And yet... thinking about Kaworu that way didn't feel as frightening as it had been with Asuka. Maybe because Kaworu was so heavily signalling that he was okay with physical contact. Or maybe because Kaworu didn't constantly reject him as Asuka had. Shinji was pretty certain nothing would ever come from his idle daydreams. He didn't even know if he truly, well, liked boys. But for once, he didn't feel bad about having those dreams. He could have them and still have, well, to be honest, basically Kaworu cuddled up against him. With Kaworu, it was possible to be close to him and yet still think about what he would look like without those clothes.

Shinji breathed out. Carefully, just to test the waters, he leaned his head against Kaworu's. There was no resistance, no protest. The two boys continued to sit like that and watch TV for about a quarter of an hour. Then the door bell rang.

Rei had arrived at exactly the agreed upon time, not a minute too late or early. Shinji had expected nothing else. He smiled nervously as he opened the door.

"Ah, hello Aya... Rei," he greeted her.

"Hello, Shinji," she answered. A long pause. "May I come in?"

"Oh! Oh of course!" Shinji stuttered and stepped back so that she could enter. I'm feeling more awkward around her now... The thing was... he really wanted to have a connection to Rei. A family bond. And he really, really didn't want to screw this up.

Even if all worked out, which was far from sure - How does one act around a newly found sister? A newly found sister which one had ignored completely for days previously, which one had found out was a mass produced clone? A newly found sister, upon which one had fallen while she was naked?

"We, uh, we can begin as soon as you're ready," Shinj told her.

It was fortunate that they had all come together to do something. So they could indeed focus on the task ahead instead of interpersonal awkwardness.

Rei nodded and simply walked up to the kitchen.

Shinji's earlier checking and double checking now paid off, as everything was quickly in place. Each of the youths had their own bowl in which they mixed the the ingredients for the dough. While the recipe was unknown to Shinji (it was the simplest butter cookie recipe out there, but still not something he had ever done so far), mixing ingredients in just the right amounts and processing them was something that had become almost second nature to him by now. It was an easy and relaxing task, but still interesting for its novelty. By contrast, Rei was much slower and more deliberate, always double checking with the printed out recipe in front of her. Meanwhile, Kaworu was just as inexperienced as her but much more nonchalant about that fact; Shinji wondered and feared what his cookies would taste like in the end.

It was a good thing that Shinji had something to do; otherwise he probably would have experienced the constant silence in which the three worked as unnerving. He was the first who began applying the stirrer to his bowl, and then the first to knead the dough. As that was rather repetitive work, now the silence became notable.

"I haven't been to school in weeks now," Shinji hence spoke up. "I just... didn't see the point anymore and with all the angel attacks... and Misato apparently has thought the same, but... I wonder if I can go back to a normal school life." Oh great. Start with a mood killer, why don't you? To make matters worse, to be exact, he hadn't been in school ever since Armisael. Ever since he had seen Rei die...

"Hm, I admit, I would have liked to get acquainted with your classmates," Kaworu commented, who hadn't even been enrolled in school upon coming to Japan. He had just finished wih the stirrer and was beginning to knead his dough, too. "But you should always allow for the possibility that things will get better. Hope is too precious a good. You should only give it up once there is really not a single chance at happiness left. Which is basically never."

"Intermittent happiness maybe," Shinji muttered. When both Kaworu and Rei looked at him, he explained, "I mean, will this go on forever? Will the angel attacks ever stop? Will I be forced to pilot Evangelion forever?"

Rei and Kaworu looked at each other. Neither said a thing. Huh... But Shinji didn't push the issue. He hadn't meant to bring the mood down like that anyway, only... to say something. Seeing how well that had ended, Shinji now fully concentrated on kneading the dough, becoming lost in the repetitive task.

Flssk.

Something small and soft impacted his cheek. He jerked his head around, but everything seemed to be normal. Holding a finger to his cheek, he discovered it was... dough? How did that get there? Shaking his head, he continued working.

Flssk.

Another piece of half-formed, wet and sticky dough. What? Shinji furrowed his brows and continued working.

Flssk.

Dismayed, Shinji turned around on the spot, his eyes narrowed.

"Is something the matter, Shinji?" Kaworu asked.

Shinji struggled with words. 'Dough keeps landing on me' would just sound silly. "...it's nothing."

He slowly turned around to the working area and pretended to begin kneading again, but in truth he kept glancing left and right.

This time, he saw the piece of dough incoming. Leaning hard against the counter, he managed to avoid it.

There was a note of disappointment on Rei's mostly expression-less face.

"Rei!" Shinji exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Being annoying," she answered monotonously.

"...what?" Shinji managed to get out. No, seriously... what?

"I am younger than you," Rei simply stated.

"Err, yes," Shinji confirmed, totally lost as to where she was going with that.

"Isn't that what little sisters are supposed to be doing?" Rei asked calmly. "To be annoying?"

Little sister...

Shinji was now even more dumbfounded than before. He just stood there and looked at Rei with an open mouth. Does she really mean...

...I have a sister, apparently.

A stupid smile appeared on Shinji's face, but he still just stood there and looked bedazzled.

"I think you confused your brother," Kaworu commented, his voice carrying goodwilled amusement, "You should go and give him a hug."

Rei took a hesitant step forward. Shinji didn't move. Siblings hug, right? That's normal, right? Then again, knowing Kaworu, he'd probably take any opportunity to make people show physical affection...

Rei laid her arms around Shinji. It was... awkward. Her hands were still stained with sticky dough, and her grip around him was stiff. And once she had her arms around him, she didn't move at all. And Shinji himself was very unsure where to put his arms. He hesitantly laid an arm around her waist, but didn't dare do more.

Still... I have a sister. He had a person who would be truly family to him. He didn't count his father as such anymore. He thus had been entirely without family... until now. He smiled uncertainly over Rei's head on his shoulder.

Rei still clung to him.

"Uh... Rei?" Shinji said hesitantly. "We... we should put the dough in the refrigerator."

Rei looked up at him. "Yes," she merely said and let go.

After Shinji had put all of their dough in the refrigerator, ensuring that it wouldn't become too crumbly, there was a bit of an awkward silence. Everyone had focused on their task so far, and now they had nothing to do. And even Kaworu's considerable social smoothness couldn't make up for Rei's stony silence or Shinji's inherent awkwardness. There were many things they could talk about, like Shinji's and Rei's newfound sense of family, but neither of them were very good at that.

Worst of all, neither Kaworu nor Rei seemed to be bothered by all this silent standing around. Kaworu had the usual half-smile on his face, and yeah, okay, Shinji liked that smile and seeing it upon him, but he could not understand how Kaworu could always keep it. And Rei never seemed to be affected by anything. Shinji kinda felt the need to get away from this situation. He wouldn't run, but...

...maybe he would do something else. He walked out of the kitchen and towards his small room. He could have used his old room, Asuka's room, but that seemed inappropriate, so it simply remained empty and unused. It didn't matter. These days, Shinji really didn't greatly care anymore where he slept or where he lived; he just hoped to somehow come through it all. And one thing that had always helped to him to go through everything was music, be it his own or music he listened to.

Rei and Kaworu stood in the door frame between kitchen and living room and watched where he went; they saw him returning with a heavy instrument in tow. Shini sat down at a kitchen chair and began playing the cello.

"Excellent idea, Shinji," Kaworu commented and sat down as well. "You play beautifully."

Rei sat down as well and simply listened.

Normally, Shinji would simply get lost in the music he was playing. But now, he was watching both. They were alike in many ways. Serene. Calm. Soothing. Understanding, even though Rei had trouble showing that. And then those red eyes both of them had... Shinji now pointedly looked at just Kaworu. Those red eyes were captivating.

It was undeniable the strange boy had had quite an impact on Shinji in his short time in Japan. Shinji preferred not to dwell too much on that, but sometimes he did. Then he considered himself weak for latching on to a person just because that person had shown him kindness. Felt weak for desiring the physical proximity and touch Kaworu provided so freely. And yet... at the same time he had the feeling all that didn't matter in Kaworu's eyes. And that look on his face, that smile...

Shinji shifted his view to Rei. She didn't have Kaworu's smile, but an intense stare. She seemed to hang on to every note he was playing. On an impulse he stopped what he was playing and instead began playing Bach's Suite #1. It felt right to do so. This was the piece he had played the last time he had touched the cello - after he had visited his mother's grave. Yui... his and Rei's mother. She was dead now, had been for ten years, but the family would live on. Even if it was without her husband, but her family would live on.

It was also before Asuka had pressured him into a kiss, which had ended in unmitigated disaster. Maybe there was something to be said for not trusting in the fickle whims of supposed romantic connections...

Kaworu applauded enthusiastically when the piece ended; after some hesitation, looking to Kaworu as if learning how to do it, so did Rei, though much more subdued.

"As I've said, you play beautifully, Shinji," Kaworu remarked.

"I have played since I'm five and I have barely improved in all that time," Shinji disagreed.

"You must have been an extraordinarily talented five year old then," Kaworu stated.

"It was beautiful," Rei agreed monotonously.

Shinji looked down. A slight smile fought its way onto his face. He was content.

He put the cello in a corner. They got out the dough, and began to cut cookies out of it. Misato had given Shinji the cutters. Apparently they had been part of Asuka's vast luggage, though never actually used here in Japan. Shinji had thought about refusing them at first; Asuka would not like him using her stuff, even unimportant stuff like that. Besides, it had felt inappropriate. Only his urgent desire not to disappoint Rei and Kaworu had led him to accept them.

Shinji grinned, took a piece of leftover dough, and flicked it towards Rei. It stuck.

...she didn't even react. Shinji was slightly disappointed. Well, it is Rei we're talking about. A sudden burst of anger at his father and Dr Akagi overcame him, for having moulded Rei the way she was. He breathed out and continued cutting cookies.

The bastards got her second incarnation. They won't get this one.

Right now, he didn't even think about how odd it was that his sister was a clone. It only mattered to protect this version of it, finally, after two former ones had to endure that life which his father... the Commander!... had forced them into.

And he piloted an Evangelion, didn't he? A machine designed to protect people...

The cookies turned out to be... okay? Some of them were somewhat hard. Shinji suspected those to have come from Kaworu's nonchalantly mixed together dough. Oh well... he liked the boy for those attitudes, so it would be difficult to complain now. Still, he made sure to grab as many of the other cookies as he could.

So did Rei. And then she grabbed some of the ones Shinji had laid in front of him.

When he looked at her, she stuck out her tongue. Though, that was the only change of expression. In fact, it was almost creepy to see a completely blank face with a stuck out tongue.

She's just going through the motions. Playing the part.

But that was alright. A month ago Rei... the "old" Rei... wouldn't have even done that. She was trying, and that was what mattered. He hence also didn't mind her pestering. If that was how she could fill her 'role' as a little sister... in a way, it was in fact like with a little sister. One who had been ill, who was now slowly on her way to getting better, and about whom you were worried. Like that.

So maybe this whole family thing can work out...

Shinji's room was small as it was, but with an extra futon packed next to his bed, things really got a bit cramped. He had gotten that bed when Asuka had gotten hers, after incessant complaining from her about having to sleep on the ground. Apparently, that was not a thing Europeans did on a regular basis. So finally, Misato had relented and gotten her a bed, and in the process Shinji as well. He himself didn't really greatly care, either way. Which was one reason he had no problems returning to using the futon tonight. His bed was occupied: Kaworu would sleep in it.

Both had lain down already, but neither of them were asleep yet. Shinji felt slightly nervous about having other people sleep in his room, but he was... reassured by Kaworu's presence. For weeks now he had had a feeling of impending doom, of a collapse that was sure to come. Touji's death, he himself barely escaping EVA-01's LCL, Asuka's catatonia, Rei's death, Dr Akagi's revelation, Misato's obvious downward spiral... and angels, ever more angels coming, all the fights and the pain and the risk of death... it all added up. Things just couldn't go on like this forever. Soon, something would have to give. He couldn't go on like this, and he feared what would happen if he finally reached the point where he had to just stop.

But maybe he would come out of this alright with Kaworu around. If he reached that point with him around, if that collapse came in his presence, then maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Kaworu always had the right words, the right attitude. So, knowing that and with that feeling of coming doom always in a corner of his mind, Shinji felt safe with Kaworu around. Or safer, at least.

They had agreed on a sleepover with him on the night to Christmas' Eve, when they would hold a small party in Misato's apartment. Just the two boys, her, and Rei. Kaworu had arrived when Shinji was out doing groceries. He had found him and Misato in the kitchen, exchanging meaningless politeness. Since his arrival, Misato had only seen the boy maybe a dozen times, and nearly all of them were the synch-tests at NERV. She was simply working way too much these days to really be a part of Shinji's life anymore.

She probably saw Kaworu as just another friend of Shinji's. She seemed glad he had in fact made another friend, but... Kaworu was not the same as Kensuke or Touji had been. He... he simply meant more to Shinji than that.

"Do you think... do you think things with Rei will work out?" he asked into the darkness.

"You two made a solid beginning," Kaworu replied. "You set the right things in motion. Now you need to watch as they unfold. Tomorrow will be part of it."

"Tomorrow..." Shinji echoed. "My first Christmas with family."

"I'm glad for you, Shinji," Kaworu said.

Shinji turned his head around to look at the bed. "What about you? Do you have family back in Germany?"

"Hm," Kaworu voiced. "My family is rather spread out. They claim the whole Earth as their home, really. But I haven't seen much of them in Germany. I went to a... boarding school, I suppose you could say. I really haven't had much... or any... contact with my family these past years."

"Oh," Shinji replied. "That's... I'm sorry."

"But it's been much the same for you, hasn't it?" Kaworu asked. "At least until your father called you to Tokyo-3."

"Yes," Shinji confirmed. "We're alike in that matter. Rei as well. And Asuka didn't really seem to get along well with her stepmother, despite appearances."

"Hm," Kaworu mused. "Maybe you should ask Major Katsuragi about her family as well. It is strange that the people who defend humanity are the ones most isolated from it."

"I do wonder sometimes why I fight, but that's a selfish thought," Shinji stated.

"It's a natural thought," Kaworu disagreed. "You know why the angels attack, don't you?"

"Yes," Shinji confirmed. "Mr Kaji... you never met him... once told me."

"They want to reunite with their point of origin," Kaworu told him. "They also are lonely, very lonely. Have you noticed how they always attack one by one? They're all alone. That's why they seek this union: To end their loneliness." He paused. "So you're right to ask why to defend humanity, if all humanity has to offer is loneliness as well."

"You're saying we're no better than the angels?" Shinji asked.

"I'm saying you could be," Kawroru answered. "But humans squander so much of their potential because they're separated from each other. That's why bonds like the one you have built up with Ayanami are so precious."

...well...

"Or the one I have built up with you?" Shinji asked in a small voice.

"Yes," Kaworu confirmed. It sounded almost enthusiastic by his standards. "The bond we have built up is something beautiful. I truly hope nothing will ever sever it."

"Surely not from my end," Shinji whispered with determination.

"No," Kaworu agreed. "Not from your end." It sounded sad.

Shinji wondered what he meant with that, but he was too afraid to ask. Does it mean he will abandon me? Shinji would not be really surprised. That was just the way of life, as he had experienced it. But Kaworu...? He'd rather not know for sure and hold out for hope. He remained quiet, and after a while the conversation could be considered dead.

He tried to fall asleep.

The next day, Christmas Eve, was mostly spent decorating. Shinji thought that Misato had been busy at NERV, but judging by the amount of straw stars, candles and, yet again, fir branches she unpacked now, she had obviously also been otherwise engaged. Shinji doubted that this was about Christmas for her, though; rather she would never miss a chance to make any party as grand as possible, even if it was just for four people.

Shinji had to admit it was kinda fun. The first thing he had done upon coming to Misato's apartment was to clean it up. Ever since, it had stayed mostly clean, though in recent weeks both of them had slipped in their efforts. With everything going on around them, it just didn't matter as much anymore how the apartment looked. Shinji still tried now and then to keep it clean, simply because he fundamentally couldn't stand filthy environments, but even then those had been sporadic efforts. So it felt good to 'dress up' the apartment like that. To make it fancy, special.

And he liked working on that project together with Kaworu. The boy seemed to have a natural instinct for aesthetics, same as he had with music. Cooperating with him... quick discussions what would look best, working at a wall together, grabbing into the same bag and feeling each other's fingers, laughing together... it was a great way to pass the time.

At some points Shinji caught Misato furrowing her brows at Kaworu. He wondered if his estimation was right; if she truly saw the grey-haired boy as just another friend of him. Kaworu was also an Evangelion pilot, after all, and there weren't many of those around. Still, he wondered what Kaworu could have done to draw Misato's ire. Given Kaworu's nature, Shinji wondered how he could draw anyone's ire.

As expected, Rei rang at the door bell at exactly 17:00, the time she was supposed to come. Strangely, neither Misato nor Kaworu moved; they left it to Shinji to open the door.

"Merry Christmas, big brother," Rei greeted him.

A wave of spontaneous happiness washed over Shinji. That was not what he had expected, but it made him glad.

"Merry Christmas, little sister," he responded. "Come on in."

To his surprise, Rei didn't do that, at least not immediately. Instead, she caught him in a hug. He smiled, even though he had to remind her again to let go. It was a bit of a work in progress, but then, the same was true of him. And maybe even among siblings who had grown up together, this was rather close contact, especially in the semi-public of the door frame, but after all that had happened the past months, Shinji found himself caring less and less about etiquette and public perceptions.

"Hello, Rei," Misato greeted her as she and Shinji entered the kitchen. "Did I hear that right? Big brother? Little sister?"

"Shinji is in fact my big brother," Rei responded. "You know the facts."

That sobered up Misato immediately. "Yes. I do."

"What matters is what we make of those facts," Kaworu piped up.

"You'd do well to remember that, Nagisa," Rei replied.

Shinji looked at her in surprise. So did Misato. Of course, Rei's speech always sounded a bit cold due to the lack of emotion in it, but with that formulation it came across as almost hostile. And Shinji had no idea what was going on.

However, Kaworu seemed to understand and to not take offence. "Hm, fair point, Ayanami. A point that goes to you."

"Those kids," Misato muttered and went to the refrigerator to get a beer. Shinji had long since given up on any variations of 'it's not even evening yet!'.

"So... uh..." Shinji stuttered, unsure what to do now.

"How to kick the evening off?" Kaworu specified what he wanted to ask.

Misato stood at the refrigerator and opened her beer can. "Back in Germany, Asuka would demand to see the Christmas episodes of Heinz Becker or Ein Herz und eine Seele." Shinji blinked at Misato suddenly speaking German, even if it was only a series title. "Every damn year." She shrugged. "Tradition, I guess. But I doubt you'd get the humour. Hell, I didn't."

"We can still watch Dinner for One at New Year's Eve," Kaworu suggested.

Misato looked at him and started laughing. "Yeah, that humour is pretty universal. Good to see you didn't miss the entire world around you."

Kaworu shrugged. "I understand that I missed a lot of what is commonly referred to as pop culture, yes."

"I mean, we could watch TV regardless," Shinji suggested. "They do have Christmas programs here."

"All about romance and lovey-dovey stuff," Misato muttered disapprovingly. She sighed. "Oh well, go watch then. I'll warm up dinner."

"Major Katsuragi is preparing the food?" Rei asked. It sounded like a normal factual question, as always spoken without any emotion at all, but...

"Yes, I am," Misato answered. "Why does everyone assume things will end in disaster as soon as I work in the kitchen?"

Nobody dared answer before Rei spoke up again: "The Second Child would probably answer that this is the common outcome."

Shinji shortly burst out in laughter. He really had not expected that from Rei. Nobody else laughed. Shinji looked down in embarrassment. He felt like an idiot. Yeah, it had been funny, but... Asuka. The mention of her had crashed the mood.

"Well, go watch something," she said softly. "I promise you, you can't screw up what I'm preparing."

Shinji still felt awful when the three children positioned themselves in front of the TV. That only began to change when suddenly another hand grabbed his. Kaworu, of course, who simply looked straight at the TV. Shinji felt the usual stages of his reaction: Surprise, embarrassment, though increasingly less of it every time, acceptance, enjoyment. Shinji wondered what that said about him, though he preferred not to think about that. He just appreciated that Kaworu always seemed to know when such physical contact would help.

As it turned out, one could trust Misato with that meal. It was simple enough, and most of it had been prepared the previous day already: Potato salad with Frankfurter sausages.

"I was Asuka's guardian for three years in Germany, " Misato explained. She sounded subdued, probably thinking of her. "That was what we ate at every Christmas Eve."

"Tradition," Kaworu stated. Misato just nodded.

Even though it looked like Misato hadn't messed up the meal, it still tasted strange. Potatoes were not exactly a main staple of Japanese cuisine; Shinji had never had much contact with them. Still, they had been drowned in enough mayonnaise and enough onion pieces had been mixed into the salad that the taste was weird, but acceptable.

All four of them quickly washed their own dishes. It was time for the main event of the evening: The gifts.

Misato grinned as they sat down at the kitchen table again. "I think you should start, Kaworu."

"That would probably be for the best," the grey-haired boy agreed and stood up.

"Huh?" Shinji voiced. He had no idea what they were talking about.

Kaworu went into the living room. Or rather, judging by the continuing sound of footsteps, he went to the rooms beyond the living room. Eventually, he came back carrying a cardboard box open at the top. There were noises coming from inside that box...

...tiny, complaining meowing.

Kaworu put the box in front of Shinji and grabbed something inside it. He carefully took out a small, grey ball of fur... an adorable little kitten that he now carefully held in both his hands. The kitten looked kinda lost so far up in the air, and continued its meowing protests.

"I talked about it with Ms Katsuragi," Kaworu explained and put it on the table. "She said it would be okay to have a pet here."

Shinji's eyes were transfixed on the little creature now in front of him. It pressed itself against the outside of the box, as if wanting to hide. When it spotted Shinji observing it, it turned towards him, arched its back and hissed.

It's frightened, Shinji realized. A young creature, suddenly thrust into an unknown big world full of dangers. He could sympathize. He carefully stretched out a finger towards the kitten. It batted at it with its paw. Shinji smiled. He didn't mind the attack. He would have been happy to have an outlet for all the confusion and anger he had felt upon coming to Tokyo-3...

"I found her in the city," Kaworu explained. "All alone. I brought her to a vet, but then didn't know what to do with her." He paused. "I'm glad she'll have a chance at life now. Otherwise, it might have been necessary to put her out of her misery."

Shinji turned his head around to Kaworu and frowned. For once, Kaworu sounded very cynical, and Shinji didn't like that at all.

The small kitten still looked frightened... until Rei gently pushed the box aside and touched her. Only slightly, ever so briefly, but suddenly the kitten mellowed out. She lay down on the table.

Misato and Shinji looked at Rei in surprise.

"It seems Ayanami has a way with... life," Kaworu commented. "With all the life on Earth."

Rei just stared at him. Kaworu just smiled.

"Well, now that's that taken care of," Misato spoke up, still sounding somewhat confused. "That's why we locked down Asuka's room, by the way, Shinji. We have stored Kaworu's present in the storage room, and I assume you have yours in your room?"

Everyone got up to get their presents. After they had all returned, there were eight gift-wrapped items on the table, ranging from well slightly above a metre to merely finger-sized.

"That's for you, Shinji, that's for you, Rei, and this is yours, Kaworu," Misato directed the pilots.

"Ah, yeah. This is yours, Rei," Shinji directed her gaze to the largest item, "and this is yours, Misato," he pointed to the second smallest item, of merely hand size.

"Seriously, Shinji?" Misato muttered.

He shrugged. "Just see what's inside it."

And so Misato did indeed take that item. It was very small cardboard box, just so large enough to contain a photo and an even smaller box. Misato took out the photo first. She looked at it, stunned...

...and then burst out laughing. She continued laughing for almost a minute, nearly dropping out of her chair, even while she showed it to the others. The kitten jerked up from its relaxed position and began climbing up the cardboard wall of her old box. While Misato was still laughing, Shinji, attentive to this adorable creature, gently picked it up and placed it inside again.

To be more exact, Misato showed the photo to Rei. Shinji and Kaworu had made it, after all. It showed Shinji in short pants and a loose blouse, bending over while winking and making a victory sign. And yes, there was a lipstick kiss mark by him on the photo, and writing: "To Misato. Thanks for the great German Christmas idea. Merry Christmas!"

...they hadn't quite gotten themselves to faithfully copy the original text, especially not the attention directing arrow to the chest. Otherwise, it was a pretty good reconstruction of the photocard Misato had sent him, way back when Shini had come to Toyko-3.

She unpacked the smaller box next. Inside, there was a small model car... of a blue Renault Alpine. With a slightly loose wheel on the left front side and tiny pieces of band aids all over. Shinji had seen to those modifications.

Misato laughed again. "Okay, that's well done, but jeez, do you really think I need a reminder of what happened to my poor car?"

"Ah, actually... maybe... a reminder of how we met?" Shinji proposed sheepishly.

Misato immediately got serious again. "Yeah. That works. Thank you, Shinji. That was very thoughtful of you!" She turned to Rei. "Now, let us see what big present your big brother got you."

Rei nodded and begun tearing open the loose wrapping around something that had to be big and kinda soft. Eventually, she stared blankly at a large teddy bear of circa one metre size. Just as expressionlessly, she looked towards Shinji for an explanation.

He chuckled softly. "Well, to be honest, your hugs are still kinda awkward, little sister. So I thought I'd give you something to train with."

Rei looked at the teddy bear, then at Shinj, then at the teddy bear again... and then enclosed it in a big hug. "Thank you, big brother," she said softly.

Misato only partially managed to suppress a sound that sounded suspiciously like a soft squee.

Rei still didn't let go of her teddy even when other presents were being unpacked. Shinji had gotten Kaworu a book about musical theory and a gift card from a music provider on the internet. Misato had bought two belts for Shinji – belts that were actually his size and wouldn't hang loosely from his pants. She also had gotten him a yearly subscription to the local cinema.

"Actually," she specified, "it's two of them. In case you want to take a nice girl out." She winked exaggeratedly at him.

A nice girl... Rei now was his sister, and Asuka... well... but maybe things would get better for her the next year. Or maybe Shinji would find a nice girl he didn't know yet... though he judged the chances of making contact with such a girl to be rather poor. Besides, who knows if there'll be much of a 'next year'. That feeling of impending doom still hadn't left him.

"And for you two, I've gotten some books... uh... you can read German, can't you, Kaworu?" Misato asked. When the boy nodded, Misato breathed out in relief. "Well, that could've ruined that present. Not that it's much of one, I admit, but I kinda drew up a blank regarding you."

Shinji couldn't read what the book was about, so Kaworu explained it to him. It was a non-fiction account of Kaspar Hauser, an enigmatic foundling in 19th century Germany. At this, Shinji looked at Misato with a frown. Her face remained expressionless.

The book she gave to Rei was just as symbolic: A richly illustrated Japanese translation of The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi.

"Thank you," Rei, using her left arm to cling to the teddy bear, said. "Though I don't understand the reason."

"You should read it," Kaworu prompted her. "The Major is right; you are our Pinocchia." He smiled. "I have a book for you as well."

He handed one of the two remaining gifts on the table to her. It was a non-fiction book as well, a large-ish pop-science account of evolution on Earth.

Rei even let go of her teddy bear to hold it in both hands, looking strangely at the cover for a long time. Clearly, that book had some meaning to her, but Shinji couldn't see what.

"A concession?" Rei finally asked. Huh?

"Of sorts," Kaworu answered.

"Concession of what?" Misato asked.

Kaworu flashed a smile at her. "I'm really sorry, Ms Katsuragi, but that is something private between Ayanami and me."

Misato raised an eyebrow. "Fine, keep your secrets." She went to the kitchen counter where she had put her beer can and took a chug.

"Rei," the blue-haired girl spoke up softly. When everyone was looking at her, she specified: "You should call me Rei, Nagisa."

Oh. That was the first time she had offered a first name basis to someone, not counting Shinji, as that had been something irregular. Shinji was glad to see it.

"Very well, Rei," Kaworu confirmed. "Call me Kaworu then." Rei nodded, and and Kaworu turned towards Misato. "I am sorry. But I'm sure you'll like my gift... eventually." It was the last one of the table, the finger-sized one.

"Why am I always getting the tiny ones," Misato muttered as she went back to the table. "Have I been such a naughty girl this year?"

"No comment," Shinji said flatly.

Misato shot a mock-angry glare at him and opened up the present. Inside, she discovered a data disk. She shot a surprised look at Kaworu who merely smiled.

"You might want to take a look at it somewhere safe," he suggested.

Misato nodded gravely, and put the disk in a pocket. Once again, Shinji was lost. Kaworu seemed to be full of hidden depths today... or well, more so than usual.

"I'm sorry, Major Katsuragi," Rei spoke up softly now. Her book was now lying on the table, and she was back to half-hugging the teddy. "I didn't get anything for you."

Misato waved a hand dismissively. "Ah, that's alright. This is your first Christmas celebration, isn't it?" Rei nodded. "You can't expect to get everything right on the first try, after all. And, please... don't call me Major when we aren't on duty. In fact, call me Misato. You as well, Kaworu. Don't make me feel older than I am!"

"Older?" Shinji muttered.

"Fiiine!" Misato relented. "Don't make me feel as old as I am." She harrumphed. It sounded surprisingly genuine, and not played.

Kaworu just nodded. Rei answered, "I'll try... Misato."

"That's the spirit!" Misato exclaimed. "Now..."

Rei's soft voice cut through hers. "I do have a present for Shinji and Kaworu."

"Oh?" Misato voiced. "Do go on then."

To everyone's surprise, Rei stepped onto her chair, and then onto the table, walking straight up to where Kaworu and Shinji were sitting.

Shinji was looking up at her. "Uh... Rei...?"

She got something out of her pocket, and held it over the two.

...a plastic replica of a mistletoe. Misato burst out laughing.

"You know, Rei, that's an American, not a German tradition," she said. "Besides, I don't think..."

She stopped short when she saw Kaworu and Shinji gazing intensely at each other. And Shinji blushing like all hell. He had heard of that custom. American movies and TV series had made sure of that.

"Well, I'll be damned," Misato muttered. "So much for finding a nice girl." It sounded amused.

Shinji was sweating profoundly now. What the hell was his sister thinking? Okay, maybe he kinda, sorta had thought about Kaworu in that way, but actually kissing him? He still associated 'girls' with 'kissing'. Well, sorta. Still, it would be inappropriate to do that with Kaworu, wouldn't it be? And also, he had no idea what Kaworu was thinking about it all!

"Ah... ah..." he stuttered. "I'm sorry, Kaworu. Of course, we don't need..."

Kaworu just smiled. "Do you want to kiss me, Shinji?"

Did he? Well... yeah. He did. To kiss him, to hold him, to be held. He... kinda did. And with the issue reduced to that question, well...

He nodded dumbly.

Kaworu carefully leaned forwards, his face coming closer to Shinji's. It reminded Shinji of the one kiss attempt with Asuka. A wave of panic briefly reached him upon that realization...

...then Kaworu's lips touched his. And it was good. No nose pinching, no complaining, but an incredible feeling of closeness, of intimacy, of touch. It still was kinda awkward... this was his first real kiss after all, and probably Kaworu's as well, so neither really had an idea what they were doing. But it was the thought that counted, the meaning. And Shinji delighted in that meaning. Spontaneously, he threw and arm around Kaworu's shoulders.

He had found someone who loved him. Who loved him like that. And whom... yes, whom he loved. He hadn't just been close to Kaworu, as he had thought. Of course this combination of closeness, good will and physical desire was love. Why hadn't he seen that?

He had been afraid, of course. But now it turned out there was no reason for it at all. Kaworu loved him. And kissing Kaworu felt so good.

It was Kawou who broke the kiss, slowly withdrawing from Shinji's face. Smiling again, of course. And... was that a blush on his face? Ever so slight, of course, but that was unheard of from Kaworu. Did Shinji have that effect on him? Shinji was stunned.

Shinji looked up at Rei, who was still standing there and holding her mistletoe replica. "Thank you, little sister," he said softly.

"Yes," Kaworu agreed. "Thank you, Rei."

Rei nodded, bent her knees, laid the replica on the table, and then climbed off the table again, back to her teddy bear. Meanwhile, Shinji was still flushed from the kiss and unsure what to do now, uncomfortably shifting from looking at Kaworu, to sitting straight at at the table again, to turning back to Kaworu. Finally, the grey-haired boy solved that dilemma by simply taking and holding Shinji's hand. Shinji smiled and turned his attention back to the table.

"I admit, that was... unexpected," Misato commented, and added softly, "But I'm happy for you, Shinji." She breathed out. "Happy..." Suddenly, tears began rolling from her eyes.

"Mi... Misato?" Shinji asked.

"Gods damn it!" Misato cursed and sniffled. The tears intensified. She balled her hands into fists and pounded them on the table. There was a fearful 'meow' coming from the cardboard box. "It's just..." She shook her head. "It's nothing I have to bother you kids with. It's... it's..." She collapsed on the table, crying.

Oh, fuck. Shinji had no idea what to do now. No idea what was wrong. He didn't like seeing Misato that way, but he had no idea how he could help. He simply was frozen in... yes, in fear, like a deer in the headlights.

Rei stood up from her seat, right next to Misato's, and walked up to the Major. There, she silently laid her arms around Misato's back.

Shinji and Kaworu still didn't react, while Misato continued crying. Finally, after a minute or two, she had herself under enough control to ask sniffling: "You, Rei?"

"Shinji is my brother," Rei explained. "And you are evidently a sort of family to him. That makes you family to me as well."

Misato chuckled sadly at that, only to fall into crying again. Shinji smiled sadly. Family... Yes, Misato was kind of family, wasn't she? He stood up from his seat as well, and approached Misato from the other side, finally also laying his arms around her back.

"What is it, Misato?" Kaworu asked softly from his place.

The Major had her head on her arms and now shook it slightly. "Everything! The world is crumbling down around us... I'm losing everyone... Asuka, my old friend Ritsuko, and... and... and..." The crying intensified. "I have nob... nearly nobody left."

"Nearly nobody," Rei confirmed blankly.

A soft chuckle rippled through Misato's body, but she was still crying.

"We're here, " Shinji confirmed. "And we're... family." Yeah. They were that.

"But I couldn't even protect that family!" Misato complained tearfully. "I always sent you and Asuka and Rei out to fight... out to suffer... out to die. And Rei did die and Asuka's mind was violated and now she's in catatonia... all because of me."

Shinji had no answer to that. But Rei did. "If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. It's the angels' fault. Somebody has to stop them. We had to. If we hadn't been directed by you, it would have been by someone else."

Shinji nodded. "Maybe someone less caring than you. Maybe someone like my... like the Commander." Misato was family. Rei was. Gendo Ikari wasn't.

"It'd be hard for someone to fuck up as much as I have," Misato insisted.

"It's just... it's that war," Shinji disagreed sadly. That gods-damned war. He wondered if it would ever end. Wondered how many people, how many souls it would continue to grind into dust.

"You shouldn't be comforting me," Misato muttered, though she was becoming calmer. "You bear the brunt of that war. I should comfort you. And yet, here I am. Pathetic."

"Human," Rei disagreed.

"Come on, Misato," Shinji said. "Christmas isn't over yet. We can... yes, we can visit Asuka tomorrow. All of us together, in the hospital. Your NERV ID should get us through all the red tape. She isn't dead yet, you know? She can recover."

Misato looked up to him with a tearful, sad smile. "You're a good boy, you know that, Shinji? Yes, we can go visit Asuka."

Shinji looked over to Rei, and took a hold of her arm. "We're a good family." He looked at Kaworu and nodded him over. Hesitantly, the grey-haired boy approached.

Finally, he joined the group hug on Shinji's side.