Zabuza looked at Shirou, then at the silently fuming Kakashi.

"Do I want to know?" he asked, having confirmed Gatou was well and truly dead.

"He's under the misconception that a civilian blacksmith can't kick your ass. And to be fair we could always have rematches later to give the Hokage headaches the likes Kami has never seen," said Shirou flatly.

Zabuza twitched.

"Is that a challenge whitey?" he asked.

"Bring it on no-brows," countered Shirou with a smirk.

Zabuza grinned evilly, raising his blade. Shirou traced his preferred blades and at an unheard signal the two charged in.

Kakashi made a pitiful sound.

"Are you sure your brother is a civilian blacksmith?" said Haku to an enthusiastic Naruto.

"He says being a shinobi isn't worth the headaches of having to follow their rules or the paperwork they have to do."

Haku blinked.

"But shinobi don't have paperwork."

"Mission reports, damage claims, and the ungodly amount of effort they have to put in before they can even hope to get vacation time cleared. Civilians just have to give an idea of when they're going to come back, and they can leave the village whenever they pretty much damn well please. That and they're not under as many restrictions as the shinobi are," explained Sasuke, with popcorn in his lap.

"..."

When he put it like that, being a shinobi was a lot of effort.

"So why are you shinobi then?"

"I'm an Uchiha. Not like my family would allow me to be anything else, especially considering I was the second son of the clan head," shrugged Sasuke. And by the time they were gone, he had gotten the 'battle lust' as Shirou had called it to the point he really couldn't see himself as anything else.

Haku looked at Naruto. He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm the village's worst S-class secret. It was either join the Academy and possibly earn the chance to be high ranked enough people wouldn't bother me again, or be a civilian forever and end up under the thumb of the people who hate me the most," said Naruto.

That and the Hokage had put a lot of subtle pressure in that direction.

Kakashi winced hearing that.

"What's Konoha like?" asked Haku.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, before saying in unison...

"It's full of idiots with their head up their ass."

Sakura choked on her drink.

"How can you say that?!" she shrieked, too shocked to register she was screaming at her crush.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Do you know why I moved in with Shirou, rather than live in the Uchiha compound?"

She shook her head.

"Long story short I got sick and kami-damned tired of the civilians trying to earn favor with me by acting like sycophants. It's always Uchiha this, Uchiha that. Like my clan hung the freaking sun or something. The amount of brown-nosing was making me nauseous. If I hadn't gone into Shirou's shop to sell some Uchiha steel to earn enough to pay some bills, I never would have found the one person who didn't give a shit about my clan or my eyes," said Sasuke flatly.

"Shirou-nii rescued me on my fifth birthday and not only fed me, but let me crash at his place after showing me where the basic traps were. He also didn't throw me out when I was kicked out of the orphanage," said Naruto.

"Why were you kicked out of the orphanage?" asked Sakura.

"Same reason the majority of the village hates me. Above your paygrade unless I feel like explaining things, since I'm one of the few who can," said Naruto without hesitation.

"He's actually right about that, Sakura," said Kakashi.

"Shirou-nii's having fun," sing-songed Naruto.

"Considering the bridge is finally done..." said Sasuke.

Nearby Tazuna and a lot of other people were getting drunk off their ass celebrating the new bridge and Gatou's long overdue demise. His head was cheerfully stuck on a pike and would stay there until it got too smelly.

Considering Shirou had some skill at taxidermy for reasons he refused to explain, that wasn't going to be for some time.

"Dammit... I give up," said Zabuza.

Shirou grinned, and held out a hand. Zabuza took it and stood up on his feet.

"Never thought a mere civilian would give me this good a run at my money," admitted the jounin.

"Now imagine the headaches I give the Hokage because my file only lists me as a 'civilian' rather than someone he can bitch out," said Shirou smirking.

Zabuza laughed long and hard at that.

The locals named it the Great Naruto Bridge, seeing as how he had been the one doing most of the building except for the last part through Shadow Clones. That and the fact Sasuke and Shirou gleefully ditched him to the happy locals when they were trying to figure out which one of the cooks to name it after.

Zabuza had a long chat with Shirou and came to the decision of leaving his apprentice with the blacksmith.

As much as he would have liked to take Haku with him, the teen was safer with Shirou for the time being and he could still work in the hospital and become a better medic in one of the big five. Sure, he'd be labeled a civilian, but there wasn't anything the Hokage or his advisers could do to force the issue since Haku was going to be labeled as his assistant for when he was out of town and the two minions were off with missions.

Officially anyway. Unofficially Sasuke was going to abuse the hell out of the false sympathy he kept getting to get Haku more scrolls from the hospital so he could keep up his medical training. And if Sakura bothered to show some initiative, he might share them with her too.

Kakashi looked very much like he wanted to crawl into a sake bottle and not come out for a week. If they weren't on a mission, he would have joined Tazuna in getting so smashed someone would have had to carry him back or drape him over the blasted tiger.

As it was, Haku quickly became one of Taiga's favorite people...and was liberally doused in tiger spit.

Zabuza laughed so hard at the sight he gave himself hiccups and got a few senbon to the balls.

"Please for the love of kami tell me this was written while you were drunk," pleaded the Hokage.

"I honestly wish it were," said Kakashi.

Sarutobi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"So not only did that damn blacksmith join in on the mission when he should have been in the capital, but he also fought the Demon of the Bloody Mist to a surrender and now has his apprentice as his shop assistant?"

"I'm pretty sure I overheard Sasuke mentioning borrowing some medical scrolls from the hospital so he could keep up with his medical training without getting stuck with a headband. He's agreed to stay with Shirou until the Resistance appoints their leader as the new Mizukage or Zabuza comes personally to retrieve him."

Sarutobi looked like he was getting an ulcer just thinking of the headache this was going to bring. Never mind the migraine Danzo and the others were sure to cause.

"Lizard, bring me the highest proof of sake you can get your hands on. If I'm going to fill the paperwork for this nonsense, I intend to get drunk enough that even I think it's a good idea," said the Hokage.

"Yes sir."

"And you!"

Kakashi practically jumped.

"Train your blasted genin so they act like proper soldiers and put an end to their damn insubordination! Do you have any idea the headaches I get with the image of them being that damn blacksmith's genin team and not proper soldiers of the hat?!"

Kakashi winced. He had no idea what their actual skill level was.

"I could try entering them in the chunin exam."

"Let me put it this way, Kakashi-kun. Either they at least remotely find the idea of becoming chunin appealing long enough to pass the first exam or I'm going to personally groom you for the Hokage seat."

Kakashi paled.

He really, really didn't want to become Hokage.

Meanwhile...

"Here are a list of basic chores. If you don't pay rent you can do something on the list. The garden out back is Naruto's, but he's agreed to let you have to space closer to some of the more embarrassing traps to plant medicinal herbs since he can't get his hands on any. There is a cooking rotation, so if you have any skill in that area you'll have to pass a test by us before you can write yourself in. Also if you want to keep your shinobi skills sharp you can join the minions on their morning training. I can spar with you if you want to improve your weapons skills, and any weapons from the shop come out of your pay. Any questions?"

"How am I supposed to practice my medical jutsu?"

"I'm good at weapons combat, basic life skills and keeping a home like this in good shape. Jutsu are not my forte. However, I'm sure Sasuke would be an enthusiastic training dummy after our evening sparring session since I usually beat the crap out of him with blunted swords."

Haku was amused and very confused.

"Aren't you supposed to be a civilian?"

"Civilian does not equal harmless, hence why I give the Hokage and the shinobi headaches. They really need to be a bit more professional and quit assuming civilian equals no combat experience."

"So what are my duties in the shop?"

"Mostly you'll be practicing your skills at making simple medicines. Shinobi pay a lot for that kind of stuff and it sharpens your skills. You'll also act as the face of the shop when I'm out getting supplies. I'll give you a list of things to look for, since I pay the best for used and old kunai or shuriken. Most of the genin and chunin come to me to sell the scrap metal that I then reforge into cheap swords. Aside from that, we also sell food that is good for long term missions as long as it's kept dry."

Zelretch was a monumental pain in the ass, but at least he was able to get Shirou a professional grade dehydrator that could be powered by lightning runes. Originally he had to do the old fashioned way with seals, but the machine was far more reliable.

He also upgraded the kitchen, which was the only reason Shirou hadn't used him for target practice.

Within the first two weeks of being Shirou's shop assistant, he had learned a few things.

One, Shirou was the oddest man he had ever met, bar none. He might claim the title of civilian, but there was no way in hell Haku would ever mistake him for one after he literally kicked the war hawk known as Danzo out on his ass for trying to snag his assistant.

Haku made a point to avoid the man without someone trustworthy nearby...or a lot of witnesses. Above all he was never too proud to scream rape if Danzo tried to lead him anywhere, and his girly appearance was actually useful.

Two, Shirou is beyond skilled when it comes to giving people the perfect weapon, and Haku falls in love with his new spear. He doesn't know the significance of "Gae Bolg", but he does know that the pale blue spear is the absolute best weapon he would ever have.

And that's before Haku discovers it's special trick of obliterating the heart when charged with enough chakra.

"SHIROU! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

Seeing the annoyance that was Shirou Emiya fleeing as if his life depended on it from a woman with twin tails wearing red flinging some sort of jutsu brought a strange sense of warmth to the Hokage and Kakashi. Both would vehemently deny cackling with glee as Shirou narrowly dodged the attacks, or the fact that they were openly betting on how long it took for the woman to calm down once she kicked his ass.

Or the fact that the odd red-eyed man (not an Uchiha) was cackling with them and sharing popcorn while they watched the show...or the fact that the minions were making open bets on the two.

TOHSAKA was not a happy camper. Zelretch, the eternal thorn in her side, had dumped her in some backwater world with no explanation other than she had to train some girl in how to be a proper fighter.

Then she saw him, and her eyes went red with fury.

She really didn't like Archer that much.

Archer, damn him, took one look at her and ran like hell.

It wasn't until she calmed down (after finally cornering and beating the living shit out of him with Tsundere-powered fury) that she found out something that really had her pissed.

"You mean to tell me the only thing we really needed to do in order to give you some Akasha-damned self preservation instincts was to give you minions?!"

Naruto and Sasuke both saluted her the moment she said Minions. She twitched, and fired a Gandr at them both.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Sasuke is one of your reincarnations. It would certainly explain quite a bit."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" demanded the boy, already reaching for his stash of jewels.

"You fire Gandrs at Naruto whenever he says something to embarrass you, you specialize in jewelcraft of all things, and you're a borderline Tsundere. Either that or your Dere side has yet to properly show themselves yet."

Sasuke threw a ruby at him. Shirou caught it and gave TOHSAKA a look.

"Dibs on Ducky," said TOHSAKA.

"It's Sasuke."

"Your hair looks like a duck's ass. You'll have to earn your name from me."

"I mostly asked he-who-needs-to-be-punted-off-the-mountain to bring Rin here to train Sakura. Her form is terrible and she needs a reality check."

TOHSAKA went to her happy place imagining Zelretch being punted off the fancy mountain. Then she registered what he said.

"Not a chance. I can't stand fangirls."

"I know. Hence why I asked for you," said Shirou.

"Can't we summon Dark Sakura here or something to deal with it then? She likes kids!"

Shirou opened his mouth, then had an idea.

"It would free me up in the mornings...and it would give Sasuke a chance to really learn from someone who isn't insane..."

"I refuse to go down the path of the Emo like that ass," deadpanned Sasuke.

"I think Zelretch mentioned something about dumping the remaining two in the same world for shits and giggles."

"...Can we go to watch the fireworks? Please?" said Naruto with puppy-dog eyes.

"Hell, let's make a family outing of it," said Shirou. Naruto and Sasuke cheered.

"Why we never thought of giving you impressionable minions before, I'll never understand."

"And while we're at it, we could swing by and pick up Sakura and Illya."

"What about Saber?" asked TOHSAKA impishly.

"Because that might open up a chance for the Grail Wars to start up here, and the Shinobi nations are bad enough as is," deadpanned Shirou.

"Fair enough, though you're really pushing it with two of the lesser grails being here."

Zelretch didn't need much in the way of "convincing", as Shirou's only stipulations were that the fall out never fall on him and he was allowed to remain blissfully ignorant of what the demented minds of two pranksters and one troll could come up with. TOHSAKA was quick to join in on that agreement.

Kakashi and Sakura were both hijacked before a team mission (Shirou had Sasuke forge his teacher's handwriting and claim they were taking a week off for "teamwork training in the Forest of Death, which no one was fooled by for a minute) and neither were happy with it. They were even less happy when they found out who had done the kidnapping.

At the very least, this trip was sure to be informative for the both of them.