Sorry for probably a weird start, first chapter is the hardest for me to write. It'll get better hopefully. TELL E WHAT YOU THINK. Happy holidays!

It was Christmas Eve.

Dean was sitting in his bedroom, alone, a bottle of Jack in his hand. Dark heavy thought were clouding his drunken mind, leaving him in tears.

This year he wasn't celebrating.

This year he was alone. Again.

This year his only family despised him.

This year he was in a place so dark he couldn't see the light.

This year Sam hated him.

This year he wished to die.

A lonely tear fell down his face and crashed in his lap.

It was pathetic, really.

Sitting here, feeling sorry for himself, it was all his damn fault anyways, no one else to blame. He deserved to be this way, deserved to be hated, to be alone. After all the things that he'd done, he deserved so much more. He deserved to be dead and burning in hell.

Because of his selfish decisions, Sam could have died, he was hurt and suffering. What kind of a brother he was? Letting Sammy down in every possible way. He should be protecting him, taking him out of harm's way, not the other way around.

Sam hated him, that was for sure. All these hateful looks, contempt towards him, disapproving looks… it felt like Sam didn't want him around anymore. He shouldn't burden his brother with his presence either…

This morning Sam shouted at him again, because he was walking too slow, apparently. Then again, what was he good for?

Anger and frustration was boiling up inside of him, it was becoming just too damn much.

Dean threw the bottle across the room. It smashed, shards of glass flying all around the room. Dean laughed hysterically, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He was in the middle of a mental breakdown or so it seemed.

He knew he was broken, nothing there left to fix. All horrible things that happened through all these years left him in pieces. He couldn't glue himself back together anymore. Wasn't sure he wanted to. What was he good for anyways? He wasn't strong enough, haven't been in a long time.

Sam used to help him to get through it, but now… Sam wouldn't even talk to him, wouldn't even look at him, let alone have a chick-flick moment with him and comfort him in his darkest hours, no... He was more than screwed, he knew that.

It felt like all this pain he was feeling inside was killing him, ripping his soul to shreds piece by piece. He just couldn't take it anymore, it was getting too much. He wanted it to end. To be at peace. Away from the pain.

Maybe… maybe there is a way out of this? Dean glanced at the shreds, wiping his eyes.

It wasn't like he never thought about it, he had. There were occasions where he was about to off himself, but he never went to the point where he couldn't return if he change his mind. Now...

He could just end it all, not like anyone would care or miss him, he was a lost case for a long long time anyway.

Dean leaned over and picked up a piece of glass with his shaking hand and peered at it. It was a Christmas after all, wished should come true, right?

And he wished to die.

He suffered enough.

Sammy will be happy to get rid of his sorry ass too.

Dean smiled and drove the glass deep into his wrist, feeling the relief instantly as the blood rushed down his arm. Cutting was one of the things that took the pain away, temporarily at least. But he didn't want to go like that, too messy. Too obvious. Too easily fixed.

His gaze caught a glimpse of sleeping pills in his bag. Dean didn't hesitate to gulp what was left of them down.

It won't be long from now on.

Maybe this year wasn't so bad after all.

Sam was pacing in the bunker all day. He just couldn't stop moving.

It was Christmas Eve.

He hadn't seen Dean for a while now, his room was weirdly quiet.

He shouldn't be surprised tho, they were barely talking, Dean chose to lock himself away and suffer alone. That was fine by him, Dean always used to shut himself down when something awful happened, but this was something new and terrifying. Dean never done this. He had never seen him this way either.

Sure, he was mad at him and he was sure to show it every time he got a chance. He wanted to make sure Dean understood that this time he won't get away that easy. Sam wanted to make him see the mistake and the consequences of his choice. But thinking further… maybe he pushed too far this time?

Sam knew how fragile Dean actually was despite the show he was putting on. He was fully aware of the look Dean was looking at him lately; it was fear mixed with uncertainty, full of sadness and guilt. Dean was blaming himself, that was for sure, but… it looked like he wasn't sure if Sam even acknowledges him. Felt like he was longing to say something, but he never could.

Every time Sam would look at him, Dean would turn his gaze away in fear that Sam will say something harsh. Every time he did he would flinch.

Like he was punched.

Sam gulped down the air.

Even this morning when he was rushing down to the kitchen he screamed at Dean for walking too slow. Dean fucking flinched and moved away like he was expecting a punch. It was the Christmas Eve, couldn't he keep his pie hole shut at least during Christmas time?

Damn it.

He hadn't seen Dean after that.

They should at least sit down to the table and eat something together, angry or not, it was a family time.

Sam bit his lip.

He should get over himself for at least today. Even if Dean will refuse his offer, at least he would have tried.

Sam headed to Dean's room and knocked.

Silence,

"Dean, you in there?" Sam asked.

Nothing.

Well, Dean never left, so he has to be in his room. Was he ignoring him?

Sam sighed and pushed the door open.

Whatever he expected to see wasn't that.

Shards of glass was lying all around the room. Dean, tho, was lying on his bed, unmoving.

"Dean?" Sam went closer, feeling of wrongness hitting him.

His brother didn't move.

Sam touched his shoulder and called him again.

Then his gaze stumbled across the empty bottle of sleeping pills and empty bottles of whiskey.

He swore he paled and fully turned his attention to Dean, his heart skipping a beat.

"Dean?" he demanded, getting no reaction.

His pulse quickened.

He turned Dean on his back and tried to check his pulse.

It was there, pulse rapid and uneven. Dean's skin clammy and cold. He was barely breathing.

"Fucking shit, goddamnit, fuck, fuck, FUUUUCK!" Sam screamed.

This was not happening.

He couldn't believe Dean had done this. From all the stupid things he's done this was the number one.

"Dean, wake. The hell. Up. Now!" he shook his brother hardly, getting no reaction.

"No no no no no no no, you don't get to do this, you stupid jerk!" he screamed at his unresponsive brother.

They needed hospital, NOW.

Sam quickly gathered Dean into his arms and ran through the door straight to the Impala.

Dean was limp in his arms, the lifelessness of it freaked the hell out of Sam.

It was all wrong, so damn wrong.

Dean had done this to himself.

Sam hit the speed pedal.

~It's the most wonderful time of the year~ car radio shouted.

"Yeah, the most beautiful, riding to a hospital with my brother who tried to kill himself on a Christmas Eve, so beautiful" Sam murmured, trying to turned off the radio, unsuccessfully.

~There'll be much mistletoeing~

Dean was slumped in the seat next to him. Honestly, it looked like he was dead.

Sam grabbed his wrist to feel a was still there, hanging on. But Dean's wrist was smeared with blood.

"Jesus, you don't do things half ways, do you, Dean?"

~And hearts will be glowing~

Honestly, Sam was terrified.

It wasn't like he was an innocent here. His ignorance and anger towards Dean was clearly the last push to him. He was already standing on the edge and needed someone to pull him away, but instead, he was pushed. By his brother.

~When love ones are near~

"Sure, near, and almost dead, would you just shut the hell up!" Sam furiously hit the radio.

Apparently, it was so bad Dean couldn't take it he chose death instead. On a fucking Christmas Eve.

No wonder, he thought his only family doesn't love him anymore, doesn't need him.

He probably wanted to leave a note saying "Merry Christmas, Sam,you've got what you wanted."

Fucking stupid bastard.

"Hang on, Dean, we're almost there" he said instead. "Don't you dare to die on me, not like this."

He already saw the hospital and thanked God.

He just hoped he wasn't too late when he burst into ER with his brother in his arms.

~It's the most wonderful time of the year~

thanks for reading xx

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