January 4th, 2016

23.45

It's the middle of the night on the eve of the school revue. I have climbed over the school gates and am making my way to one of the side entrances of the building. It is fucking freezing out but I don't feel it. I am a man on a mission. I feel exhilarated.

NAS's Hate Me Now is thundering on repeat in my head. It's been an ear worm for days. It's such a fucking tune!

I manage to break into the building way too easily.

But you know, there's no turning back now
This is what makes me
This is what I am

You can hate me now (QB)
But I won't stop now

The theme tune to my break-in is constantly interrupted by thoughts of the revue and Mikael, my media studies partner. My best friend. He is why I am here. We have been close since our first year of high school, my brother from another mother. The inconvenient thing is that I like my best friend a lot. It is a feeling that I haven't labelled but I know that it goes beyond the feeling a friend normally has for another friend.

There are some facts that I remind myself of. Number one- I have Sonja, my girlfriend of three years. She's cute, supportive and loyal... and I do love her. Number two- Mikael likes girls only. Right now he has his eye on a couple of second years. They hot so I can't say I blame him.

So why am I telling you this? Well, the school revue is his baby. He is the director and the revue has occupied all his time since we started our third year. I am in charge of lighting and sound but I have also been helping out where I can. The problem is that over the last few weeks Mikael has been off with me. He used to welcome my ideas and suggestions. Now he tells me to calm the fuck down and tells me my ideas are too 'out there'. I have found out that he has arranged a few revue meetings without telling me.

That really upset me so tonight I want to show him how I can help him make the production better. If I do that, Mikael will be happy with me again. And if he is happy with me then all will be good.

Job done.

Peace out.

So it is hard to explain why, once I get into the school in the dead of night, I 1) end up stripping down until I am butt naked as I head for the auditorium, 2) tear into the already (perfectly) set up room, 3) fuck up the stage and then 4) proceed to use my fingers and some paint that is lying around backstage to write some movie quotes (that are bouncing around in my head) all over the stage floor, auditorium walls, curtains, chairs and equipment.

"Oh Captain, my captain!"

"Run Forrest, Run."

"Are you looking at me?"

"Et tu, Brute?"

"Stella!"

"Try a little more fucking and less eating."

"I don't know how to quit you."

Later I will realise that some quotes point directly to my state of mind-

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

"Love cannot be found where it doesn't exist nor can it be hidden where it truly does."

"The past can hurt. But you can either run from it or learn from it."

"We are who we choose to be."

"Our lives are defined by opportunities even the ones we miss."

I am eventually found by school security, my body streaked in multicolour paint, trying to break into the canteen so that I can continue my graffiti spree.

January 19th, 2016

18.00

I don't think I will ever leave my bed. There is no point. I destroy people's lives. The closer you get to me the more likely you are to get seriously burned. My parents had to pay 37,000kr for the damage I caused to the school. The revue had to be postponed by two weeks, pissing off everyone involved in the production and those who had planned to see it. Because it contributed to Mickael's final year media studies project, I fucked him over royally. I can't imagine the stress he must have gone through to make sure that everything was repaired and ready for the delayed show tonight.

On top of everything he has had to find a new light and sound guy because yours truly is ... indisposed.

He hasn't spoken to me since.

I am a social leper. All my other friends have either kept their distance or sent patronising and insincere messages that make me feel like I should be confined.

Only Sonja and my parents really have my back.

This evening Sonja comes into my room without knocking or asking. She kicks off her sneakers and crawls onto my bed and hugs me from behind. I feel the press of her lips against the nape of my neck.

"Your mum let me in." She whispers. "I hope that's okay."

I don't feel anything for her right now. I don't feel anything for anyone.

"You didn't need to come." I mutter as I grind my head further into my pillow and pull slightly away from her.

"I wanted to." She sighs and strokes my arm softly. After a long pause she says. "I am not sure if I should tell you this but... I think it is better to know that not to know. They set up CCTV cameras in school because of all the expensive equipment for the revue. They set them up in the auditorium too."

I know where this is going. I squeeze my already closed eyes in an effort to shut out what Sonja is going to say next.

"I don't know how he got hold of it but that bastard friend of yours leaked the tape of you online." She forces out with venom. "What a dick move."

I know who she is talking about even before she says, "Best friend my ass."

That emptiness I have been feeling in the centre of my being expands until it takes over my whole body. I don't resent Mikael for what he has done. I understand it. I messed his life up.

"I'm sorry." Sonja whispers.

I destroy people's lives and then they hate me for it.

Everyone would be better off without me.

After a moment she says, "Your mum has made you something to eat. You hungry?"

"No."

There is no point in eating. There is no point in getting out of this bed.

"I love you, Even." Sonja whispers.

I wonder how many sleeping pills mum still has.

February 4th 2016

19.00

I have planned everything perfectly.

The day after the rescheduled revue I got out of bed. A week after that, I set foot out of the apartment. Mum and I had a walk around Frogner park, our faces going pink in the cold and our breaths blowing clouds into the air. I said yes to her offer of coffee from our local coffee shop afterwards. We didn't say much but I could tell that she was happy with my progress.

Over the last few days I have been tidying my room up unprompted and helping out around the apartment. I have talked to my parents about returning to school. I have helped dad on his pet project of fixing an old vintage car.

My parents think I am turning a corner and getting better.

I overheard them a couple of days ago when they thought I was still sleeping.

"He's been smiling more." Dad said happily.

"Yes." Mum replied, less convinced.

"That's good."

"Yes. I think so."

After supervising me practically 24/7 they have decided to go on a date night.

"Are you sure you don't want to come along?" Mum asks, her tone edged with concern as they hover at the front door ready to say goodbye.

"On your date? No. Thanks. Gross." I say. "I'm probably going to watch a movie or whatever when Sonja arrives."

I can feel the relief coming off them. I will have company. That makes them feel better.

"Netflix and chill?" Dad chuckles and takes mum's hand.

I scrunch my face.

"Wear a condom and say 'hi' to her for us." He adds.

Mum looks at me right up until the front door completely closes and separates us. She opens it one last time, surprising me, and pulls me into one big hug. I have to bend down so that she can grab my cheeks and kiss my forehead.

"Love you, kid. My beautiful, beautiful boy." She whispers.

They leave.

I know my parents and Sonja love me but somehow it isn't enough to stop way I see it I am making things better for them. I am a burden to Sonja. I am stealing her teenage years. When she should be going out and having fun, she stays home with me. I cause my father stress and my mother sleepless nights. She has to take pills to quiet the storm in her head caused by concern over me. I feel so unbelievably shit about that.

I go to my parents' bedroom and head for their bathroom. As I said, I have planned this perfectly. Mum got her new prescription of sleeping pills yesterday. Fresh pack. She has taken to putting them in a locked cupboard behind the mirror in the bathroom probably because she's been worried I'll take them and top myself.

She seems to have forgotten that I am damn good at breaking into things.

I pick the lock in seconds and grab the bottle of pills. I get back to my room and pull out two bottles of vodka that I have kept stashed under my bed. I turn to stare at the message that I have taped to my wardrobe.

Everything Is Love.

My mother said those very words to me years ago. I have had them on my wardrobe as a reminder that things can and do get better.

I take the message down, fold it carefully in my hand and I sit on the floor. It is now my message to her and dad to explain that what I am doing is an act of love from me for them.

After a few minutes of looking blankly at the space left behind by the note on the wardrobe, I down half a bottle of liquor then swallow five pills.

I tip another five pills into the palm of my hand and stare at them. My vision blurs as tears begin to form.

I hear keys in the front door. A moment later my mother's strained out-of-breath voice comes from the corridor as she speaks to dad.

"Why did he lie about Sonja coming over? I just need to make sure he is okay."

April 4th, 2016

10.17

Depression is a bitch but I am not going to let it get the better of me. I have started seeing a psychotherapist. Mathias. It's a weekly affair.

He's alright.

My psychiatrist has been playing around with my meds; new doses, new drugs. I could get a relapse even when I am fully compliant with my prescription but one of the reasons for my last episode was that I sometimes forgot to take my meds. It is hard to remember every pill with life getting in the way; late nights out, friends, family, girlfriend, school work and exam revision. But I am determined. I cannot get that high or low again. So I set a daily reminder on my phone, I always carry a couple of pills in by wallet in case I have forgotten to take them at home.

So far so good.

"How are your meds agreeing with you?" Mathias asks.

"If I move I rattle."

He chuckles. "Appetite?"

"Better." I raise an eyebrow. "I have started to cook. I'm quite the chef now."

"Good."

"And the weed helps."

Mathias looks at me blankly.

"You know... because of the munchies." I dead pan.

"I hope you are joking, Even."

I give him a small wink and a grin. "If it makes you feel better."

"Even."

"It's just once in a while. The meds make me into a fucking zombie, man."

"Talk to me."

I sigh. "My ideas. I don't want to sound like a cliché but my creativity sucks now."

"Have you thought about other ways to get that creativity back?"

I shrug.

Mathias ticks off his fingers. "You could join new clubs. Interact with new people. Discover new experiences..."

"... When I get back to school tomorrow." I complete his sentence.

"Yes." He says, "How do you feel about that?"

"School?"

He nods.

"Shit."

April 5th, 2016

08.10

As predicted, my return to Elvebakken is a shit show.

I decide to ignore all of Mathias's advice. I don't sign up to any clubs. I don't seek out my old friends. I don't try to make new ones. I delay going to class for as long as possible by making out with Sonja in the empty female changing room at the school gym.

We are forced to go our separate ways when the class bell rings and girls start flooding in.

I take my time getting to English class, stopping to taking a smoke outside.

Unsurprisingly, I am the last to arrive to my class. Everyone goes deathly silent at the sight of me. You could hear a pin drop. They all look at me with fear, concern or ridicule.

After a moment, I look behind me at the open door and then back at them with a look of surprise and slight menace. I point at my chest. I'm channelling Travis Bickie, suicidal depressed taxi driver. This will do nothing to make people think I am normal but hey... fuck'em.

"Are you looking at me?" I misquote. I look back at the doorway and then at the class again. "Well who the hell else are you looking at? I'm the only one here?"

Some look away. Some look down. Some open their text books. Some check their phones. Some keep staring.

I strut with far more confidence than I feel towards an empty seat at the front where I don't have to see any of their looks.

I sit down and mutter, "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."

My phone beeps. An anonymous sender has texted me a GIF of the auditorium CCTV video from the night I broke in.

It's exposing. It's a shot of me as I bend over to dunk both hands into an open paint can. One of my bum cheeks has a five finger smear of paint on it from when I must have scratched it. I hear a short sharp snort of laughter behind me.

I ignore it.

I remember what Mathias told me during one of my first sessions.

"You must NEVER allow anyone to make you feel shit about your mental health."

It stings though because I am human. I dread to look at my phone when it starts vibrating like I'm in the middle of a lively WhatsApp group chat. I have received seventeen text messages containing GIFs and memes taken from the same video.

"Even, I need you to turn your phone off." Miss Marsh, my English teacher says. "I appreciate that things haven't been easy for you recently but you really must concentrate if you want to catch up. Put your phone away. Class has started."

I look at her and then down at the texts again.

No.

Not doing this.

Not prepared to have to deal with this shit.

There is a further giggle from behind me so I stand up and turn around.

"Fuck you." I say to the room then turn to Miss Marsh. "I'm going."

I am out the door before getting a reply.

April 8th, 2016

16.00

My luck has run out. Despite our lockers being literally side by side, I have somehow managed to avoid Mikael all week. I even bunked off my media studies class (my favourite) to avoid him.

Right now, however, I need to get to my locker and Mikael is already next to his. It's awkward and forced when I walk right up to him only for us both to behave as if the other isn't there. My eyes physically hurt from not looking over at him as I take my text books out.

I know when he is done because he shuts his locker with more force than necessary. He doesn't move. The silence is so agonising that my movements grind to a halt but I do not take my eyes off my locker.

"I am going to Oslo Uni for media studies in the fall." He says almost aggressively.

"Yeah I heard." I swallow and look down. "Congrats."

Sonja told me. It was something that Mikael and I had talked of doing together but there is no hope of me getting in this year with how far behind I am.

He nods in my peripheral vision then sighs. "I didn't know you were... bipolar."

I get the courage to look at him when I decide that his tone is not angry or accusatory but regretful.

"I didn't tell you." I say.

I had been well for so long that I had almost forgotten about my bipolar diagnosis and the fact that I could develop symptoms again. So I didn't tell Mikael. What a dick move.

Lesson well and truly learned.

In the future I will be honest about it with people I care about.

"I just thought you lost the plot." Mikki continues. "Like for some reason you wanted to fuck things up for me. Out of jealousy or whatever."

"I wasn't jealous. I'm sorry I messed up." Even when sad I don't tend to emote with tears but, damn, this is making me feel shit.

"No. That's not what I- I mean that if I had known that you did what you did because you weren't well, I wouldn't have-" He lightly punches his locker door and shakes his head. "I am so sorry for leaking the video. If anyone gives you shit over it then-"

"They're not." I lie.

I shrug as if I don't care what people think anyway.

Mikael looks at me like he doesn't believe me at all. "Fuck'em anyway, right? You were top in media studies and top five in English. You'll be a great film director someday and show them all." He says earnestly.

This feels like bridges being mended and I like it. "Thanks."

"Don't let what people say control you and don't let this bipolar bitch ass stop you either." Mikki seems to have a light bulb moment. "You know what? You should think of your life like a movie that you have complete control over. Decide what you want and go for it."

April 9th, 2016

19.00

"I want a chance to start again somewhere where I am not the school freak." I tell my parents. "I am not going back to Elvebakken."