He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me. This wasn't the Yuri I had grown to admire, treasure and trust. This wasn't the man I had watched online as he bared his all in his skating and inspired me. This was a Yuri I had yet to meet. A Yuri who was clearly fighting a silent battle by himself. As his coach and friend, I felt utterly useless. I couldn't do anything as I stared at his back and he disappeared right before my eyes. His demeanour was frightening, and the worst part was, I had no idea what was wrong with him.

It was one thing to watch him fail a landing in practice. Over the last year, I had grown accustomed to the odd mistake when something was clearly weighing on Yuri's mind and distracting him. For a man who lacked such confidence, he amazed me when I saw him skate. He was mesmerising, enticing. Each practice had my entire being glued to his routine. But what I just saw now, something was very wrong. From the advice I was given from Yuuko and Takeshi, plus what I had witnessed myself when Yuri was in the state of mind where he had to calm himself, he rarely attempted jumps. And when he did it wasn't until he was mentally prepared and capable of successfully landing. Yet he attempted my signature move, a quadruple flip. I could see it in his body language, as soon as he kicked off the ice and was air bound he was gone. His eyes were empty and wide like he was trapped in his own thoughts. For all I know, maybe he was. He didn't even attempt to shift his body weight and land. His right foot touched down and his entire body collided onto the ice. Yet he didn't even flinch. Like he didn't even acknowledge the sequence of events that just occurred. Watching him for that short period felt wrong. His skating felt dark and tainted instead of alluring like his step sequence was designed to be for his short program. His skating made me want to turn around and walk away.

Once I reached my room, Yuri was already in his own. I could hear his muffled cries and couldn't bring myself to just go to bed. He needed me. I could hear his heart breaking from the other side of the wall that was separating us. But I couldn't bring myself to just barge in and interrupt him either. So it left me no other choice than to sit down outside his door and wait. Wait for the golden opportunity to comfort him and wipe his tears away, tell him everything would be okay.

Committing to do so felt like forever though. Seconds quickly turned to minutes which soon became an hour. Yet I still kept waiting. Finally, everything fell deathly silent. There were no muffled cries or rustling leaves. There were no distant vehicles passing by or the occasion snore from Makkachin. It was unnerving. Ever so slowly, I stood up from the ground in an attempt to make no noise and braced myself. Just as slowly, I opened the door to Yuri's room but was greeted by nothing but pure darkness. I knew where the light switch was so turned it on with ease. Whilst I was prepared for the sudden onslaught of light I wasn't ready for the scene that was laid out in front of me.

"Yuri…" the name escaped my mouth as I rushed to his side and fell to my knees, "Why?"

There was so much blood. My entire body began to shake as the instinct to help kicked in. He was slumped against his bed in his t-shirt and boxers. His entire body was limp and his head hung down. His arms were lazily lying on either side of him, hands covered in blood. Despite the strong presence of crimson, I could see a faint glint in Yuri's open palm. Panic and shock began to take over as I ran out of the room in search of water, towels and bandages. He needed me and I would be damned if I let him down. The search for 3 simple things seemed to last forever as I fumbled around in the darkness. Above all, I was amazed Toshiya, Hiroko or Mari had yet to come down to find out what all the commotion was about. But at last, I ran back to Yuri and found him in the exact same position I had left him. With care I began to clean his hands and removed the blade that was sitting against his pain. I stared at the object with so much hate and malice but knew now wasn't the time. So it was placed on the ground near the bucket of water to be dealt with later.

The taste of bile began to rise in my throat and my eyes began to fill with tears as I slowly moved towards his thighs. With the most gentle of movements, I began to clean away the blood that was only just starting to dry. A tear finally fell when the full damage finally began to surface. Whilst they were deep, they weren't deep enough for stitches. Some were short, others long but they all overlapped each other like a harrowing patchwork quilt. Tears continued to fall as I moved onto the other thigh to find the same thing. I had seen things like this before but never to this extent. It both felt and easily looked like Yuri had carved into his body over 100 times. With the excess blood cleaned up I quickly moved Yuri into a position that made it easier to bandage his wounds. It was only now that I realised how cold Yuri felt to the touch. So I quickly wrapped him up like he was made of porcelain as the deeper cuts began to ooze blood again. Like a new born baby, I cradled him against my chest like he could break any second. With gentle movements, I walked into my room and placed him in my bed. It was larger and this way, it would allow me to keep him warmer than if he was by himself. Besides, after this, I never wanted to leave him alone again. The blankets and duvet swallowed him as I kissed his forehead and stepped out of the room again. I needed to clean everything up before a member of his family stumbled into his room and discovered the bloody chaos. Plus, this scene was one I didn't want Yuri to witness. His room was his safe haven and he didn't need the image of the floor caked with his own blood stuck in his head. The shaking intensified as I looked at my hands. His blood covered my fingers and had even taken over the once pristine gold ring Yuri himself had given me. The urge to scream had never been so hard to deny before.

I finally crawled into bed as the first rays of sunlight began to peek through the windows. I slid next to Yuri and wrapped him in my arms. I had to know he was safe, that he was alive and breathing. I had to hold him to control my own fears. Finally, with no tasks to distract me, the dam finally gave way as I cried rivers into the hair of the boy I had grown to love.

It felt like no time had passed at all, but as Yuri began to finally stir the sun was perched high in the sky.

"Yuri" his name slipped yet again as another wave of tears began to fall. I buried him in my arms as I heard my name being muffled into my neck.

"Why Yuri? Why did you do it?!" I wanted to scream at him. Slap him senseless but I knew that wouldn't help him at all. So I pulled away from him and position myself over him so his eyes were locked with mine. Yet he still tried to look away. I sigh escaped my lips as I gently placed my pointer finger against his chin and turned his head to look at me. Before I knew what I was doing, my palm cupped his cheek, my thumb wiped away his first tear and my lips gently caressed his own. It was a bittersweet kiss but one I have been waiting so long for. He finally let his walls down as my lips left his and he began to ramble. I knew better than to interrupt him though.

"I'm sorry Victor. I just couldn't take it anymore; I had to get rid of them. I failed you. I failed everyone again. You left the ice because of me yet I couldn't even get gold to uphold your reputation. I failed Celestino, Minako, Mum, Dad, Mari, the Nishigori's, everyone. Even my country and above everyone else, I failed you" he fell silent as his gorgeous brown eyes stared into mine. Begging me to say something, anything as he laid his demons out on the line for me to finally see.

"You could never fail me Yuri. You're my greatest pride. But I understand that this has been building up for a long time and that you've finally snapped"

"I have failed you Victor. I stole you from the figure skating world for nothing"

"You didn't steal me Yuri. You can't steal something that isn't the property of another. Besides, I was the one who came to you remember?"

"You belong on the ice Victor. I can't keep doing this, I'm retiring, I'm sorry"

"If you retire then I will too. I belong wherever you are Yuri, whether that's on or off the ice. The skating rink isn't my home Yuri, home for me is wherever you are" I sealed my words with a kiss as I felt unsteady hands wrap around me. I smiled into the kiss as I quietly mumbled 'I love you'. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say as Yuri suddenly pulled away from the embrace with a shocked expression.

"How? How can you love someone like me? A dime a dozen figure skater with confidence issues and disfigured thighs? Compared to you I'm nothing!"

I smiled a sad smile as his words finally reached me.

"I love you because you're simply you. I love the small smile that graces your features when you're served a pork cutlet bowl. I love the grimace that you pull when I give you shitty pep talks. I love the glint that occurs in your eyes when you're performing your routines. I love the relaxed vibes you give off when you step into the onsen after a long day of training. I love the Yuri who gets nervous before each competition. I love the Yuri that is proud of himself after completing his program to perfection. I love the smile that reaches your eyes each time you successfully land a quad. I love the Yuri who blushes easily and I love the Yuri who gives his all to everything he does. I feel in love with you just the way you are, quirks and all. Scars aren't going to stop me from loving you and treating you like my king" I smiled down at my beautiful Japanese skater as his eyes softened and he let a single tear fall.

"The ice failed me today, please don't do the same" he cried as I suddenly found his head buried in my chest and his arms wrapped around me in a vice like grip.

"I promise I will never try to" I replied in a soft voice as I hugged him back "You're my world now Yuri, every day I will strive to make you feel happy and loved. Besides, you're my fiancée aren't you? I can't fail my future husband now can I?" I couldn't help but smile when I heard a small laugh and could feel Yuri's breath against my chest. He sighed in contentment as I rolled myself over so I was lying down with him flush against me. I carefully picked up his hand and kissed the gold band I had placed on his finger. The other remained against his back as my fingers drew patterns against the material of his t-shirt. In this moment I couldn't feel happier. Emotions I had kept secret for so many months were finally out and they were reciprocated. I finally had the love of my life in my arms and I have found the inspiration I was lacking to return to the ice. For the first time in my life, I finally felt complete.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

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