A/N: Basically everything I've been writing lately has been serious if not outright dark, so I figured I need to write a little crack. The idea came from Sith and my other brother as well. If you haven't read Ace Attorney: Awakening, don't worry, this fic might be referential to it but not *that* much.

April 15, 11:45 AM, Detention Center

It had been well-established, for a very long time, that there were a lot of things in Phoenix Wright's life that just plain didn't make sense. It was obvious. It was expected. It was how his life worked, how it pretty much always worked, and how it assuredly always would work.

Today's bout of strangeness came in the form of a tall, blue-eyed twunk with long blond hair and a sitting position that radiated almost vulgar arrogance. He also wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Ocelot, is this the lawyer you said you'd fetch for me?" the man said in an exaggerated English accent that had to be even faker than Edgeworth's.

"Yes," said the moustached man standing beside Phoenix, the one who had come to his office twenty minutes ago saying that his boss had been accused of murder.

"Who's the girl?" the maybe-British man said.

"I'm Maya Fey," Maya chirped, "ace manager and assistant!"

Not to let her monopolize the introduction, Phoenix quickly stepped in: "I'm Phoenix Wright: ace attorney." He showed his badge. "So, all your uh… employee told me was that you'd been accused of murder. Can you give me more details on that?"

"Starting with your name," Maya said, elbowing Phoenix. (Neither of them noticed the moustached man, Ocelot, quietly disappearing into the background and just straight-up leaving without another word.)

Maybe-British man raised an eyebrow. "Liquid Snake," he drawled.

"That… that can't be your real name," said Phoenix.

"No," said Liquid, without explaining further than that.

Maya shrugged. "So who were you accused of killing?"

"A man named Kazuhira 'Benedict' 'McDonell' Miller."

Oh, great, Phoenix thought, the accused doesn't have a real name but the victim has three first names.

"And you didn't kill him, right?" Maya said.

"Of course not," Liquid said dismissively.

Phoenix waited for a second, but no psyche-locks showed up and it was almost time for lunch so he figured that was good enough. "Alright, Mr… Snake," he started.

"Don't call me Snake."

"Alright, Mr. Liquid, I'll take your case. We'll find the truth and get you off the hook, don't worry," Phoenix said.

"I wasn't planning on it," said Liquid.

Phoenix and Maya left the detention center after that, since when they tried to engage Liquid in conversation again he just started talking about genetics. Which had nothing do with this Miller guy as far as it was explained. They ran into Ocelot again outside.

"Oh, hey," Phoenix said, "that reminds me. When you said that guy was your boss, I thought he was going to be a bit older than you. He's not."

"How did you start working for him?" Maya asked.

Ocelot smiled. "I knew his father," he said in a tone of voice that this definitely wasn't the kind of fic for, so Phoenix changed the subject.

"Do you know where the crime scene is? Maya and I need to investigate."

"Of course. Miller was killed in his home."

"And where's that?"

"Alaska."

There was a long pause.

"Dang," Phoenix eventually said.

April 16, 9:50 AM, District Court, Defendant's Lobby no. 1

"Do you think we can get this done today?" Liquid said, arms crossed. "I was in the middle of something when I got arrested."

"Honestly, I have no idea," Phoenix said, "since the crime scene was so far away, I really have no idea what we're getting into here."

"Actually, speaking of that," Maya interjected, "if Mr. Miller was murdered in Alaska, why is the trial being held here? The LAPD totally shouldn't have jurisdiction…"

Phoenix's mouth drew into a line. "I've just kinda stopped questioning things by now."

"Wow, Nick. That can't be a good attitude for a lawyer to take."

"Hey, if it keeps me from getting a splitting headache every time I get a new client…"

April 16, 10:00 AM, District Court, Courtroom no. 1

The Judge banged his gavel. "Court is now in session for the trial of Liquid Snake."

"The defense is ready, your Honor," Phoenix said.

"The prosecution is ready as well, your Honor," Edgeworth said.

"Your opening statement please, Mr. Edgeworth," the Judge said.

Edgeworth pulled out a piece of paper and began speaking, looking cooly detached to the point of self-induced disassociation: "The victim, one Kazuhira 'Benedict' 'McDonell' Miller, also known as 'Kaz', 'Master Miller', and 'Hell Master'-"

"Hey, Nick," Maya whispered, "do you think our client doesn't have a real name because this guy had way too many?"

"Maya, shh."

"-died in his home in Alaska after being shot six times with a .45 caliber gun, believed to be a revolver, although the gun in question hasn't actually been recovered. The date given for the crime in February 25th, 2005, so don't ask me whose timeline is blatantly getting ignored here. I do not know." Then he pre-emptively knocked back a shot.

"Objection!" Phoenix shouted, "Edgeworth, you can't just get drunk in the courtroom-"

"Not without sharing," the Judge said sternly.

"Can we get on with this?" Liquid said loudly from the defendant's box.

"The prosecution calls the detective in charge of the case to the stand," Edgeworth said without further ado. "Witness, name and occupation."

"Dick Gumshoe, detective for the local precinct!" He was wearing a kitschy 'I heart Alaska' souvenir t-shirt where the shape of the state replaced the heart. Phoenix supposed that proved that Gumshoe really had been the crime scene. Probably.

"Detective," Edgeworth said, "please give us more details on the crime."

"Sure, sir. Mr. Miller was shot six times with a .45 caliber gun, and we think it might have been a revolver."

"Hmm," said the Judge. "Mr. Wright, you may begin your cross-examination."

"H-He didn't give us any new information whatsoever," Phoenix muttered to himself.

"Well, Gumshoe's gonna be Gumshoe, I guess," Maya said, "go get 'im, Nick!"

"Yeah. Ahem. Detective," Phoenix said, slamming his hands on the bench, "have the police found this revolver?"

"Nick!" Maya said, "now you're just repeating information!"

"Oh right," Phoenix said, "actually, can you tell us more about where he was shot?"

"Sure, it's right here in the autopsy report, pal," Gumshoe said, pulling it out, "he was shot once in his fake leg, twice in his fake arm, once in his real arm, once in the chest, and once in the head."

"Ouch," Maya said.

Why is he missing half his limbs? Phoenix thought. Liquid kicked the bannister of the defendant's box with a loud thunk, and Phoenix figured he should just move on and ask another question. "What about where he was shot? Can you tell us about the crime scene, Detective?"

"There were a couple bullet holes in the wall," Gumshoe said.

"Like, with bullets in them?" Phoenix said.

"What kind of stupid question is that?" Edgeworth said sotto voce.

"Nope!" Gumshoe said. "It was like the bullets ricocheted off the wall."

Phoenix rubbed his chin in thought. "So the murderer missed?"

"Of course he didn't," Edgeworth said, "nearly all revolvers only carry six shots, and since there were no casings found at the scene it's safe to assume that the murderer did not reload the gun while he was there. Six bullets were found at the scene, all of them in Miller's body." Phoenix would have expected him to smugly shrug or tap his temple here, but he was still doing the I just want to get this over with and go home, this is stupid thing. "It would also be out-of-character for the defendant to miss. Therefore, the ricochet marks on the walls were clearly made long before the crime."

"Oh come on, Edgeworth," Phoenix said, "wouldn't Miller have spackled over the bulletholes before he was killed?"

"Maybe he just didn't get around to it, pal," Gumshoe said.

"Or maybe they really are from the crime," Maya exclaimed, "maybe the bullets ricocheted off the wall and into Miller's body, killing him!"

"C'mon, Maya, that's stupid," Gumshoe said.

"Yeah, Maya, that's way too video game-y," Phoenix said.

Edgeworth held out the autopsy report in front of him, boredly. "Considering he was shot six times with apparent precision each shot, ricocheting bullets into someone is incredibly unlikely. To be able to do that, one would not only need inhumanly impeccable aim, but also a genius-level ability to calculate angles on the fly."

"No one could do that," Phoenix said, momentarily forgetting the definition of dramatic irony.

"I guess you're right," Maya said, putting her hand to her cheek, "alright, Mr. Edgeworth, who's the next witness?"

"The next witness is…" Edgeworth almost seemed to sigh in exasperation. "Revolver Ocelot." He was probably tired of the not-a-real-names. Phoenix definitely was, but then again he'd met Ocelot the previous day so at least he had all that nonsense out of the way. "Witness, name and occupation."

"Revolver Ocelot," he said, spinning a gun that Phoenix was sure he wasn't actually allowed to have in the courtroom around his finger. "Special operations FOXHOUND."

O… kay…, Phoenix thought. "You didn't tell me you were testifying."

"Character witness," Ocelot explained.

"So, you're testifying that there's no way Liquid could have done it?" Maya said.

"No," Ocelot said, "I'm testifying that he totally would have."

"Hence his being called by the prosecution," Edgeworth said.

Phoenix glanced over at Liquid. If he was angry at Ocelot for testifying against him, he didn't show it. Really, he looked even more bored than Edgeworth did. Phoenix wasn't even 100% sure was fully paying attention.

"Did my client and the victim know each other?" Phoenix said.

"Mr. Wright!" admonished the Judge, "I did not say you could begin your cross-examination! The witness has to give his testimony first."

"Uh, sorry, your Honor."

"Witness, go ahead," Edgeworth said.

Ocelot re-holstered his gun. "The boss would have no qualms about killing Miller if given the opportunity. Also, saying 'if given the opportunity' is pretty generous; he would make his own opportunity to do so if he felt like it."

"…wow," said Maya, "two testimonies in a row where they don't give you any new information!"

Phoenix laughed hollowly. "Well, whatever Ocelot says, I'm sure Liquid didn't do it…"

"You may now begin your cross-examination, Mr. Wright," said the Judge.

Phoenix slammed his hands on the bench again. "Mr. Ocelot," he said, "is there a reason why my client would want to kill Mr. Miller?"

"He just likes killing," Ocelot said with a shrug.

"What," said Phoenix. He looked at the defendant's box. Liquid also shrugged.

"It's fun," he said.

"And they did know each other," Ocelot continued, "back when-"

"Ocelot," Liquid said in a very warning tone. Ocelot shut up.

"H-Hey, objection!" Phoenix said, "witness, that sounded relevant! Please continue!"

Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that, Wright? It sounds like nothing but trouble for your case."

Phoenix put his fists on his hips, grinning. "You should know better by now, Edgeworth. I have nothing to fear from the truth, because I believe in my client's innocence!"

Ocelot laughed. "The only worse idea than trusting Liquid is trusting me," he said.

"What?" Liquid said.

"Nothing, boss."

"Oh, alright."

"He's totally gonna backstab him," Maya whispered. "And Liquid's gonna die, and then he'll possess Ocelot."

"Maya, that's just crazy," Phoenix replied. "Anyway, witness, the defense requests that you tell us how the defendant and the victim actually knew each other."

"He knew him better than I did!" Liquid shouted.

The Judge banged his gavel. "Outbursts in court will not be tolerated, Mr. Snake."

"Do not call me Snake!"

"He's been doing nothing but outbursting in court," Maya commented, exasperated.

Edgeworth huffed. "Witness," he said pointedly.

"Well, I guess if it can't be helped," Ocelot said, pulling out his gun and twirling it again. (Phoenix really wished he knew enough about guns to tell if that was a revolver or a pistol.)

"Ocelot, I swear-" Liquid started again angrily, but he was interrupted.

By a gigantic, bipedal robot crashing through the ceiling, sending glass, rebar, and plaster hailing down on everyone and everything.

Edgeworth pulled his hands down his face as the cockpit hissed open. "Didn't we already do this gag?" he grumbled.

"Hey boss," said the man in the cockpit, some gas mask-wearing douchebag who didn't even have his hands on the controls.

"Mantis," Liquid said warmly, before jumping up into the cockpit (okay, it was actually a pretty impressive leap) and sitting down, smirking triumphantly down at the courtroom. "Took you long enough."

"I got lost on the way here," Mantis said.

"Well, now we can head back. Farewell, all." The cockpit closed up. "By the way, it was Ocelot who killed Miller, but he did it under my orders, but I'm fairly certain he had a personal motive anyway." The giant robot left the way it came. Through the ceiling.

There was a long pause. Eventually, everyone stopped staring at the giant hole in the building and stared instead at Ocelot, who was still standing at the witness stand.

"Would you believe," he said, "that's the second time those two have done that."

"You're the one who killed Miller?" Maya gasped.

Ocelot tilted his head in an impassive shrug. "By ricocheting bullets, too, even though you all agreed it was impossible."

"I merely said it was unlikely," Edgeworth said.

Ocelot rolled his eyes, then glanced at the courtroom clock. "My ride should be here soon, anyway."

"Ride? What ride-" Phoenix started.

Then a tank crashed through the doors. It was much less traumatic than the bipedal robot.

A buff, shirtless guy with sick tattoos opened the hatch and stuck his head out. "Good morning, General Ivan."

"It's pronounced 'ih-vahn', for the last time," Ocelot said, climbing up the side of the tank. "Scoot over, Raven."

And then they were gone and Phoenix was left standing in the rubble of the courtroom with Maya, Edgeworth, the Judge, Gumshoe probably, and whoever else was dumb enough not to run away when the first military vehicle made a special guest appearance via wanton destruction of public property.

"So…" said the Judge slowly, "if the defendant wasn't the one who technically killed Mr. Miller…"

"He still ordered someone to do it," Edgeworth said stiffly, "so just declare him guilty and let us move on with our lives. Any objections, Wright?"

Phoenix paused to consider it, then shook his head. "Whatever."

"Very well. This court finds the accused, Liquid Snake… GUILTY."

Gumshoe started throwing confetti.

"Well, that was weird," said Maya as they walked out of the courtroom, or rather what was left of it.

"Yep," Phoenix said.

"We should do that again sometime."

"Nnnno."

"Aw, c'mon, Nick…"