Have you ever fallen so hard for someone that sometimes you find yourself unable to catch a breath? You have to constantly remind yourself to stop staring. Stop staring at the scar on his lip. Stop staring at his electric blue eyes that can be so expressive one moment and so closed off the next. Stop staring at his hands. His strong hands with long fingers that look like they'd keep you grounded. Stop imagining and wishing and praying that you'll be able to feel those hands on you like a caress.

Cause I have.

Jason Grace, the future cause of my death because I swear, every time he merely looks at me, I feel my heart skip a beat then beat way too fast in my chest. Jason Grace, my bro, my dude, my best friend. Jason Grace, my current dorm mate since our freshmen year here in Olympus University. Jason Grace, the boy who I've been in love with since meeting him in high school when he transferred from California.

Jason Grace, current boyfriend of Piper McLean.

"Percy, man," I can faintly feel his breathe on my cheek, why is he so close? "You gotta get up or you're gonna be late. Again."

I peek from under the covers to catch a glimpse of the time. 7:45. That gives me about 15 minutes to wake up, get dressed and run almost a mile to my class. I'm still contemplating the worthiness of this class to go through that much trouble when all of a sudden the sheets are pulled off of me and shivers run all through me because of the cold air.

"Hey, man!"

'I know that face. That face says, "That class is stupid, I'm just gonna stay here." Good thing you have me though."

If only, I begrudgingly think to myself.

"Come on, it's one of your majors. Get up, please." Jason just has to that thing with his eyes. I don't know if he's noticed, but I could never say no when he pouts at me like that.

"Fine, fine. I'm up." I reluctantly leave the comfort of my bed and then have a bunch of clothes shoved in my face.

"Here, get changed. I'll leave with you. I'm meeting Piper at the café near your building."

Ah, so that's why he's so eager to leave. Piper.

I dress in silence with only the sound of yet another chip breaking off my heart as background noise. A little dramatic, but I think it seems fit.

Piper McLean. She was in one of Jason's class back in freshman year. She's exotic. Olive skin, eyes that sparkle. They look silver one minute, blue the next. She always has that single braid, sometimes with a ribbon, sometimes beads, more often than not a feather. She's smart, and witty, studies psychology. In short, she's everything Jason deserves.

I deflate a little at this.

In junior year, high school, everything was going as great as it could for a teenage boy I suppose. I had Grover, one of my best friends, who's currently somewhere in the world protecting an endangered badger or something. It's hard to keep in contact when wherever he is, is low on phone reception. And of course, I had Annabeth, my girlfriend at that time. She's great, she studies here at OU, too. Architecture. Junior year was supposed to be like any other, until Jason Grace.

Annabeth was the first one to realize how messed up my head got that year. Me and Jason became good friends. I was in swim team while he got into football. We got to know each other in some of our classes, but we really got to hang out after practice since we got off at the same time. We'd meet at the locker room, leave together to grab a snack or just talk.

Annabeth noticed how distant I got with her. I didn't even notice until she pointed it out one day.

"Hey, Seaweed Brain," Annabeth asks me after our last class for the day, "Wanna get ice cream later after practice?"

"Maybe next time, Jason and I were gonna go grab some burgers."

"You hang out with Jason a whole lot." I didn't get it at the time that she was fishing for answers. She was always the smart one out of us both.

"Yeah, he's kinda fun to hang out with."

"Mm hm. So, do I get to see you this weekend then?" She asks with a raised eyebrow when we stop right outside the door to the indoor pool.

I scratch the back of my ear then say, "Oh, I was going to catch a movie with Jason this weekend. I hope you don't mind."

She cocks her head at me and just looks at me for a few seconds, calculating. "Well, your girlfriend would surely like to spend some time with you. Text me when you're not with Jason anymore."

That conversation with her got me thinking. I did spend way too much time with Jason, but that was because he was new at school, he needed a friend. But while I was telling myself this, I knew it wasn't exactly true. Jason is nice, has a friendly smile, really approachable personality. He could have any friend he wanted. But I wanted to be that friend.

I'm abruptly cut off from thinking about all this when the guy who consumes my thoughts suddenly throws a pillow at my face.

"Bro, come on. You're gonna be late for class and Piper is already on her way." Then he throws my bag at me and pulls me by the arm out our door.

I try not to think about how it would feel if he'd hold my hand instead. God, I got it bad. I got it so bad for someone who is straight as fuck.

We speed walk our way to our destination. I'm trying not to think about how badly I want this boy beside me, while he's grinning down on his phone, probably texting Piper to tell her he's on his way.

We reach the café first, and of course Piper is there waiting.

"Babe!" She runs, fucking runs, to Jason. And of course, he easily catches her in her arms. I try so hard not to show my bitterness but god, it's so hard not to let how painful this is show.

"Hey, sweets." Jason greets back with a kiss to the cheek.

Well, another chip off I see.

"Hey, Percy!" Piper gives me quick hug. "Wanna join us for some coffee?"

She's a really nice girl, I'm happy Jason has her. Or so I tell myself every time I see them together.

"Ah, thanks Pipes, but I really have to go. Class." I'm already starting to walk away, giving the impression that I don't want to be late but I really just can't take seeing him grab for her hand like he won't ever let her go. Which isn't really far off.

"Oh, maybe next time then. Bye, Percy!"

"Pay good attention in class, bro!" And then they're in the café, giggling with each other.

I take my time going to class, I'm not really in the mood to pay attention to anything right now. My heart hurts, I'm sleepy and all I want to do is curl up in bed and try not to picture Jason smiling down on Piper like she's the best thing to ever happen to him.

I arrive 5 minutes late to class, which isn't all that bad given the time I woke up. Who can even focus at 8 frickin am.

My mind wanders again, back to the time finally realized what Annabeth saw before I had any idea what was changing in me.

"How's Jason doing?" Annabeth asks across from me.

We're in the library, studying for a test. It was already the middle of junior year and exams were trying to kill us. A study date seemed like the perfect thing. Well she's studying, I was texting Jason.

I pull my head away from my phone to answer her but I stop short. She's looking at me like she's trying to tell me something.

"Oh, uhm, he's good, I think. Why?"

"Seaweed Brain, what are you doing?" She asks, closing her book and giving me all of her attention.

I suddenly feel like this should be an important conversation so I put my phone down, I don't bother closing the book I wasn't even reading. "What do you mean?"

"You spend almost all your free time with Jason, I barely get to see you anymore. When we do hang out, its Jason this and Jason that. You text him when you're supposed to be with me. You barely hold my hand anymore, let alone kiss me." She pauses when she sees the deer-in-the-headlights look I give her. "Are you still even attracted to me?"

I wanted to tell her, "Of course, you mean so much to me." Or, "You're gorgeous, Wise Girl, of course I'm attracted you." Even, "I'm sorry, I'll stop hanging out with Jason so much." That last one gave me pause though, because I didn't want to stop.

Annabeth just looks at me, like she already knows. "Percy, I think you should think good and hard about who you're really attracted to." And with that, she packs up her things and heads out.

I'm sitting here thinking what she could possibly mean by that when my phone buzzes.

From Jason: Hey! My mom's been asking about you. She invited you to dinner after exam week. What do you think?

What do I think? Of course, I'd love to meet your mom. Is what I think. But I don't tell him that. I look to the doors where Annabeth just left, and I get it. I finally get it.

I look up, and the class is already gone. Sighing to myself, another class I basically missed all because I can't keep my head from floating.

I head out and walk over to the cafeteria and see the blonde I have brunch with every other school day.

"Hey, Wise Girl." I greet her while throwing down my bag on the ground and slamming my head on the table.

Of course, that doesn't get me any sympathy points from my ex-girlfriend, still best friend, because she is one of the best people, ever, no questions asked.

"Seaweed Brain." She says as a greeting, and by what I hear, she didn't even look up, just keeps on reading her book while snacking on a salad.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm so miserable?" I ask, still head down on the table.

"You're a seaweed brain for a reason, Percy. I know it's about Jason."

I finally look at her and see that she still isn't paying me much attention. "But don't you wanna specifically know why?" I try not to sound so whiny, but according to the eye roll she does, I didn't really succeed.

"Was it how he looks so sweet when he sleeps? Or how strong his arms are? Oh, wait no, I bet it's because he's so much like Prince Charming it's not really fair?"

Now I'm the one who can't contain an eye roll. "Okay, okay. I swoon. Sue me." I hear her mutter a low If I could, you've been in jail a long time ago. "But really," then my shoulders deflate, "He's with Piper."

Annabeth's eyes soften a little. She's been with me through this whole getting to know myself bullshit, and she knows how hard it's been for me. We broke up shortly after realizing how attracted I was to Jason. She wasn't mad, but she wasn't exactly happy either. But she was so understanding. Stuck by me throughout the whole accepting I'm gay process. The rest of junior year was such a blur of self-discovery. She was with me when I came out to my mom. She was the one who I could talk to when I noticed just how much I really liked Jason.

Senior year wasn't that bad. By then, I was mostly accepting of who I am, but I decided not to come out to the world. If straight men didn't need to point out they're straight, then why did a gay man have to. I saw no point in blurting out to the world I was gay. And maybe I was a little afraid of telling Jason. He wasn't homophobic from what I could tell, but I was afraid our friendship would change if he ever found out. Still am. He still doesn't know.

Which is something Annabeth opposes to on a regular basis. "Look, Percy, maybe it's about time you tell him how you feel."

"And then what? Hope he breaks up with Piper? Annie, he's happy. Like really happy. Like hallmark movie kind of happy. And if I tell him, that would just make living with me so awkward. We're dorm mates. If I tell him now, for sure he's going to change dorms next year, and where will I be?"

Annabeth grabs my hand before answering, "Hopefully moving on from him. If you think you don't have a chance with him, what are you still holding on to?"

I know she has a point, I've thought about it before. But dammit, he doesn't even know how happy he makes me. When I'm with him, I just feel, complete. We work so well together. He keeps me grounded since I'm too floaty in the head sometime because of my ADHD. I keep him from overworking himself because he doesn't know how to lay back. He just, gets me. And I get him. But for him, it's all platonic.

Then Piper McLean happened. They're both prelaw, that's how they met. But instead of the stereotypical boring prelaw student, Piper was lively. She was creative and talkative and everything Jason needed in a partner. Which crushed all of Percy's hopes into confessing how he felt.

"I know, Wise Girl," I say, trying to fight off the tears. I've tried so hard to not let their relationship get to me, to just be happy for them, but god does it hurt. And it never really gets easier. "I know that I have to let him go eventually or its going to break me, but I just can't" That last part was said in a whisper, voice cracking.

"Whatever you decide to do, I'm always here for you, alright?"

I give her a watery smile, shake my head then get up from the table, "Well, I am starving. I'm gonna grab some food real quick, be right back."

Smile. Smile like it doesn't hurt. Smile like everything is okay. Because if I don't, I don't think I'll ever recover.

A/N:

Gosh it's been so long since I last written something. I'm posting this now because I got too excited for this story. It's not even close to finish, but I would love to know what you guys thought of it and how you think this should go.