Shepard struggles with an issue he can't shoot or punch his way around; relationships. It takes place prior to the events of Lair of the Shadow Broker during Mass Effect 2. I do not own these characters and appreciate those at Bioware who originally created them.

Chapter One – Not So Healed

Commander John Shepard sat at his private computer in his cabin aboard the Normandy and stared. He reached again to type a response to the e-mail he had received, but ended up clenching his fist and pounding it down on his thigh. His emotions and thoughts were roiling. He worked to slow his thoughts, calm his breathing and found himself rereading the brief e-mail he had already read multiple times.

Dear John, A situation has occurred and I need your help in a life or death matter. I need you to return to Ilium immediately if you are able. I can't say more. Please contact me to let me know if you can help me. Liara.

Even though the e-mail contained very little, certainly nothing of her emotions, reading Liara's words sent Shepard into a daydream. He began fantasizing about their next reunion and how this time it would be wonderful, before ruthlessly smashing those feelings down into a corner of his heart, shoving them back into the grave they had crawled from. He ignored the butterflies in his stomach, the way his heart skipped and his breathing got shallower at the thought of her. He ignored those feelings until he realized he wasn't ignoring them, so he refocused on ignoring them.

Shepard stood up, realizing he was going around in circles. He needed to move, he needed action or his unruly heart would keep dredging up the tangled knot of his feelings, no matter what his brain tried to tell him. Whatever else the e-mail might or might not mean, it was clear that Liara was in some kind of trouble. That she needed him. "She needs me", he thought to himself. The feelings he had freshly locked away threatened to burst free again. He quickly typed into the reply box "I'm on my way" and pressed send. Action had always been a good cure for too much thinking.

Shepard crossed to the elevator that would take him to deck two. He wanted to be sure they got on their way to Ilium immediately and he didn't want to sit alone with his thoughts and feelings. He bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited for the elevator to complete its short journey.

As the elevator door hissed open he strode across the deck toward the bow of the ship. The Cerberus crew seemed to fall away, clearing space to let him pass. He wanted to speak to his pilot, Joker, personally to ensure he understood the importance of reaching Ilium quickly.

Shepard passed through another door into the cockpit of the Normandy. Joker turned his flight chair to face Shepard so they could more easily converse. "Yo, Commander," Joker began jovially, but paused as he fully faced Shepard, becoming more cautious. "Is there, uh, anything I can do for you, Commander?"

"Yes, Joker. We're heading for Ilium. It's important that we get there quickly."

Joker again probed cautiously. "So. Are we needing some supplies then? Maybe some repairs? Shopping for fish?"

"Liara just contacted me. She's run into some trouble on Ilium and it looks like she needs some backup she can trust."

Joker was quiet. "Umm…of course, Commander. I'll set course. " Joker seemed to think for a few moments before taking a breath and bringing what he was thinking out into the open. "You know, Sir, maybe you should, you know, talk with someone before we get to Ilium. You know?"

Shepard had been standing stiffly, staring out the viewports. His head now shifted slowly until his eyes had locked on Joker's. "About…what…Joker?"

Having already opened the topic, Joker pressed ahead, clearly apprehensive about what response he might get. "Well, Sir, it's been a while since our last visit to Ilium and you didn't seem too happy about how things went with Liara during that visit. I don't know what all is going on, but whatever the reason for this visit, you're going to want a cool head."

Shepard took a step closer to Joker. He was looming over the seated pilot, staring hard at him. "I don't know what you're talking about, Joker. I was fine after our first trip to Ilium. Just because things didn't go exactly as planned doesn't mean there was a problem. I was fine after that visit. I am fine."

Shepard had started to turn away, conversation done, but Joker continued. "No, Commander. You weren't fine. You were calm, but not like calm calm. You were scary calm. And it was scary to be around you."

Shepard gritted his teeth. His fists clenched and unclenched. "I am fine, Joker. I…am…perfectly…calm."

"Yeah. Just like you are now. That was how you were before. Everything looks fine on the outside. Like a bomb about to explode. You're scaring me right now, Commander. And we're just on the ship, having a chat about Ilium and Liara. How are you going to be when you're standing in front of her?"

"I WILL BE…" Shepard had been intending to say 'fine', but what Joker was saying finally got past his emotions to his brain. He heard his voice climbing, felt himself shifting into a more aggressive stance. He stopped himself, closing his eyes. He shifted his jaw to unclench his teeth and took a breath, purposely relaxing his shoulders, his clenched fists. He took one more breath and opened his eyes. Joker's expression was that of someone confronting a rabid dog, which Shepard realized was sadly closer to the truth than he would like. He asked, with genuine calm this time, "How long will it take us to get to Ilium?"

Joker eyed Shepard, not daring to interject his usual brand of humor. "With travel to the relay and then from the relay to Ilium, about four hours, Commander."

"Thank you, Joker. That should give me time to talk to someone before we arrive. Thank you for your understanding, Joker. I apologize for any…volatility. I will try to be aware of your concerns in the future."

Joker visibly relaxed and blew out a breath. "It's okay sir. All the bad guys you fight are easy, it's just aim and shoot. Relationships are hard. Hell, with everything going on with me I doubt I'll even have the opportunity to screw up a relationship. I'll head us toward Ilium now, Sir."

Shepard was sure Joker didn't mean to imply that he had screwed up his relationship with Liara. Maybe he heard it that way because deep down he believed he had indeed somehow done exactly that. Or she had. He needed to get his head on straight before reaching Ilium, especially if Liara really was in some kind of danger. He turned and walked away from Joker and into the Normandy trying to think with whom he would be comfortable discussing his love life, or lack thereof.

Shepard sat at his desk in his private quarters. Across from him sat his yeoman, Kelly Chambers. While she was ostensibly assigned to the Normandy to manage his schedule and alert him to situations needing his attention, in reality her duties also included monitoring the mental health of the crew and, when necessary, providing recommendations and treatment. That included treatment of one Commander John Shepard if necessary. Shepard had never expected to ever find himself sitting across from his yeoman with her acting as his psychologist, but here they both were.

Kelly Chambers was smiling pleasantly. "Thank you for coming to me, Shepard. With the stresses you are under I would imagine there are times you need to vent some thoughts and feelings. I want you to know I am always available to address your needs." She smiled again, waiting for Shepard to respond.

"In fairness, Yeoman Chambers, I should let you know that I was hesitant to speak with you."

"Oh, please, Shepard. Call me Kelly. If you are having a personal issue, whom you choose to talk with says a lot about whom you trust. I hope that you have come to see me as someone you can confide in. Can I ask what it was that caused you to hesitate to meet with me?"

Shepard pursed his lips in thought. "Well, for one, it can be difficult to talk about personal issues with someone who is as naturally flirtatious as you have been with me. It makes our relationship feel…less professional and more personal. Not what I would expect when talking with a psychologist. That's at least partly my fault for acting that way myself when we first met. I apologize for that."

Shepard watched as Chambers flirtatiousness dissolved to be replaced by a more clinical professionalism. "No apology is necessary on your part, Commander. I understand your concern. Our previous conversations have had a relaxed tone. You described me as 'a very loving person' and I would have to say that is true. That can come across as flirtatious. Your willingness to communicate allows us to set a new tone, as of now. Were there any other concerns?"

"Well, you were hand picked by The Illusive Man for this mission. I have no doubt you are well trained, but ultimately you work for Cerberus. I haven't always been on friendly terms with Cerberus and we may be enemies again in the future. If so, I would rather not give The Illusive Man any more insight into my thinking than he already has. Since you are Cerberus I am concerned that you would be reporting things directly back to him."

Chambers looked more serious at this. She thought for several seconds before responding. "I see your concern, Commander. It is difficult for you to trust me when I'm part of an organization headed by a man you clearly distrust. While I do file reports on the status of the crew, I can do this without revealing details regarding the concerns that you may discuss with me. My oaths and my personal ethics demand that I maintain the confidentiality of my clients. I can't offer any more assurance than that, Commander."

Shepard leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped. He stared hard at his yeoman for any sign of lying. He appeared to come to a conclusion, relaxing his body and sighing. "Very well, Yeoman Chambers, I do have something I want to talk with you about. Something very personal."

"Of course, Commander. Whenever you're ready."

Shepard took another deep breath and looked at the ceiling, trying to think how to say what he wanted to say. "You recall when we stopped on Ilium? One of the main reasons I wanted to go there was to find Liara T'Soni. Liara joined my crew when I was chasing Saren, back before Sovereign attacked the Citadel, before we even knew the Reapers existed. We got…close, during that time." Shepard shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with exposing the details of his personal life.

"I don't want to make assumptions, Commander. What do you mean when you say 'close'?"

"We were together. Hell, I thought we were in love. Then the Collectors attacked the Normandy and I didn't make it out. I was gone over two years while Cerberus put me back together. When I woke up I was thrown into pursuit of whoever was abducting human colonies. It took weeks, but I was finally able to get to where Liara is now. On Ilium. I was picturing a big reunion, but I was nervous about where things might be at for Liara. It had only been a few weeks for me, but it had been over two years for her. I guess I expected too much."

"If I may ask, Commander, what happened during your reunion?"

"Honestly? Nowhere near what I had hoped for. She was just wrapping up a call when I arrived. She came to me, I took her in my arms, and then…"

"And then?"

"Nothing. It was like a wall came up between us. I'm not even sure we kissed. She just shook her head and stepped away. She said it was good to see me, like I had dropped by for tea." Shepard had sagged in his chair. He was staring at the floor as he described these events.

Chambers leaned forward and said in a comforting tone, "That must have been difficult, confusing. Did you have any idea what was behind that mixed reaction from her?"

"I don't know. It was like the passion she had was gone. It hurt."

"You said this was the woman you loved, though. How did you respond to that? How did you show her that your love was still strong? That you still had that passion?"

"I said, 'It's good to see you too, Liara. How are…you…doing'." Shepard had trailed off as he described his own tepid reaction. He sat, silent, for several seconds. His arms were crossed over his chest. "I was hurt. I didn't know where she was at, what she was feeling. I didn't want to push."

"Did you talk with her about this? About this wall you described?"

"She was busy. I asked her if she could just talk to me. She wouldn't at that point. She was focused on her efforts to locate the Shadow Broker. She asked me to do some hacking to help her out, then paid me like another servant."

"So you refused the payment?"

"No. I took the credits. We certainly needed them. She paid me again when I helped her identify one of the Shadow Broker's spies for elimination. Turned out to be her own assistant. Seemed like she didn't have anyone around her she could trust. The one person there she did trust turned out to be working for her worst enemy."

Kelly looked over her steepled fingers. "It sounds like she has been living in a world of secrets and lies, not sure who she could trust. So she turned to you, putting complete trust in you after you had been gone for two years."

Shepard hands tightened on his thighs and his shoulders tensed. "I get what you're saying, but I don't agree with the point. She told me that she was the one that recovered my body and gave me to Cerberus. She said they told her they were going to rebuild me. Out of everyone, EVERYONE, I had lost, she was the one that knew I could come back. She knew I could come back and she wasn't there for me. She thought I would be angry at her for letting Cerberus revive me. Does that make any sense? She was so focused on helping some friend who the Shadow Broker captured that she had no time for me. Said she owed him her life. Do you have any idea how many times we saved each other's lives when we were chasing Saren? I ordered her to leave the Normandy, to leave me, when the Collectors attacked. Maybe she took the order a little too literally." The words had spilled out of Shepard in a wave of angry bitterness. He could feel his pride demanding he cast the blame elsewhere, especially at Liara.

"How do you know when you love someone, Commander?"

Shepard was taken off guard by the question, responding with an eloquent "Huh?"

"You said you thought you were in love. How do you know when you love someone?"

He was still riding the wave of his anger and it took him some moments to shift gears. "Well, you care about that person. You would do anything for them. You're there for them, no matter what."

"Are there other ways people might express feelings of love?"

Shepard cocked his head to the side with a slight grimace. "I…guess so. Where are you going with this, Chambers?"

"I am simply suggesting that you and Liara formed your relationship under very intense circumstances. Passion can feel like love, for a while at least. But if two people express their love, experience love, in different ways then time and distance can cool the passion and expose incompatibility. You seem to express and feel love through being there for the other person, but it was weeks before you tried to reach Liara. You said if you love someone you're there for them, 'no matter what'."

Shepard shifted uneasily in his chair. "We were on multiple classified operations. I couldn't go sending love letters out in the middle of that."

"If you say so, Commander. For her part, perhaps Liara's perception of what it means to be in love differs from yours. Perhaps you both sensed this and pulled away from each other, at least with regard to your physical relationship."

"I'm…I'm going to have to think about that." Shepard was quiet now, staring at nothing as he was focused on the chaos roiling in his mind and emotions.

"Of course. But when you're ready, you really should try to talk with Liara about where you're at with this. Maybe that desire for a relationship is still there. Only you and she can decide that. I would also recommend that you ask yourself, 'Who am I there for?' and 'Who has been there for me?' The answers to those questions could tell you a lot about where your true feelings lie."

Shepard gave a half-smile. "Garrus said something similar when I asked his advice. He said I should be asking Liara these questions. I think he was trying to avoid answering the question."

"Ouch. So I really wasn't at the top of your list of people to talk with."

"Well, you were above Jack, so there's that." Shepard smiled again, genuinely, at how Jack would likely have responded to his request for advice.

Chambers smiled as well. "Consider what I've said, Commander. I hope it was of help to you, but ultimately only you can decide how you feel and what you do about it."

"I will, Chambers. You've given me a lot to consider before we reach Ilium. Thank you. I need some time to process what we've talked about. I'll walk you to the elevator."

Chambers rose to her feet and crossed the room at Shepard's side. She entered the elevator and turned back to face Shepard. "You're welcome, Commander. It's my pleasure to be of assistance. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know."

Kelly Chambers smiled and nodded at Shepard as the elevator door closed and she began her brief descent to deck two. The smile almost immediately vanished from her face and she stood in thought, arms crossed, staring hard at nothing.

"Shit," she mumbled quietly to herself. She took her assignments very seriously. When Shepard had returned from Ilium wounded by his encounter with Liara she had seen an opportunity. She presented herself as a support, a source of positive energy that could balance the death and destruction and loss that was his usual daily fare. For a time, it seemed to be working. They had a private dinner together and seemed to be forming a connection. The Illusive Man refused to implant a control device in Shepard, but there are many ways to establish control. But she had miscalculated somewhere and The Illusive Man did not like miscalculations. Shepard had made it clear that he was now thinking of her in a professional capacity. Any hope of influencing him through an intimate relationship was gone and she was stuck feeding his fish. Pushing it now would only alienate Shepard. So she would have to look for other ways to influence the situation, if not as a lover, then as a confidante. She would have to keep an eye on how this visit to Ilium unfolded. She would worry about that later. Right now she needed to draft a detailed report of the situation for The Illusive Man.