A/N: This was not meant to be 8,000 words but it was so it's two chapters now yay

"Y'know," Stan said one day as he sat in the passenger seat of Kyle's rundown 2005 Toyota van that his mom had given to him when he turned 16. "This town is pretty fucking stupid."

Kyle gave him a funny look before his eyes fixed back on the road.

"That's a random thing to say," he said. "Not that you're wrong or anything. I've thought that for years."

"Yeah, but I thought everyone would grow out of it, right?" Stan clarified. "I didn't think everyone here was as dumb as our parents. And that's really saying something."

Kyle laughed. "I don't think anyone can be as dumb as our parents. Especially not dumber than your dad."

"That is true," Stan agreed, and he settled back into the carseat. "I guess it's just because this entire day was just stupid."

…

This thought process had begun in Stan's brain earlier that day. It had all started when Wendy had come up to him right before school started. Wordlessly grabbing his arm, she yanked him after her and pulled him into a janitor's closet, slamming the door shut with all the brute strength of a female gorilla. Apparently cheerleading did that to you.

"Uh, Wendy," he had said, trying to no avail to pull his arm out of her vice-like grip. "I'm all for a hot girl pulling me into a janitor's closet and all, but isn't this kinda cliche for you? You always hated chick flicks, remember?"

"I don't think that's your problem, Stan," she replied, her gray-blue eyes icy. "Aren't you supposed to be dating you-know-who?"

Stan sighed. Here it was, the dreaded salt-syndrome Wendy seemed to always have with him now ever since they broke up because Stan realized he liked Kyle more, Wendy refused to call Kyle by his name. He was always "him" or "you-know-who" or "boyfriend-stealer". Stan wasn't sure if she was just that vindictive or if she was just irritated that Stan was another thing she lost to Kyle (who had beaten her on both GPA and ACT scores by a very narrow margin).

"We are," he replied. "I was kidding. But seriously, what's up? This is weird, even for you."

She huffed angrily and rolled her eyes. "It's Cartman."

"What about Cartman?" Stan asked slowly, still slightly confused.

"It's about Cartman and you-know-who," she said, her eyebrows raised as if she expected Stan to catch on. Which he obviously didn't. Realizing this, she rolled her eyes a second time, this time much more exaggerated, complete with a heavy, drawn-out sigh.

"I think they're doing it," she said.

Stan's brain didn't recognize her words at first; he just stood there staring at her confused. And then the rusty gears in his head began to creak and slowly but surely put together a mental image of what she just said. And then he gagged a little and puked in his mouth because Cartman naked is really disgusting.

"No way!" He cried indignantly, in both disbelief and outrage. "Wendy, I know you're upset we broke up, but stop trying to make me and Kyle do the same! I'm obviously not going to believe you no matter what, so-"

"I don't care about that anymore, Stan!" She yelled back. "I don't care who you want to date, I care about who-" She slaps her hands over her mouth before she can say more, glancing at Stan and hoping he was too dumb to realize who she meant. He, of course, was.

"...Okay," Stan said after a very long time. "Then what makes you think that?"

"They've been doing things in secret," she replied, her voice lowered as if the two boys were in the room with them. "During study hall, they go off somewhere together, they're whispering all throughout calculus, and I saw them at a restaurant last weekend! You-know-who was even laughing!"

"You're sure it wasn't at Cartman, not with him?" Stan asked. He had wondered why Kyle cancelled their date last Sunday, but he hadn't wanted to seem needy so he hadn't asked. He hoped to high heaven that it wasn't actually because he was on a date with Cartman.

"I'm telling you, Stan," Wendy said, saying his name in that imploring-whiny voice she used when she was making a point. "They must be doing it!"

Stan backed away just a bit, since he could tell a fire was lit in her eyes. There was no way she was gonna drop it, and no way Stan was gonna get wrapped up in it, so instead he just smiled awkwardly, muttered something that sounded like agreement, before bolting from the janitor's closet as Wendy yelled after him. He picked up the pace when he hard footsteps behind him, fearing for his life, only to turn a corner and run into someone so hard that he fell backwards onto the polished tiled floor.

"Finally out of the closet, Stan?" Kenny laughed at his own joke as Stan rolled his eyes. Offering him his hand, the blonde boy yanked Stan off the ground and back to his feet.

"Shut up, Kenny," Stan said automatically. Kenny shrugged and followed him as Stan began walking down the hallway.

"So why were you in the janitor's closet? If you want good places for you-know-what with that sweet piece of ass you got, I know much better locations. There's a way onto the roof, so that has a really nice view, plus the thrill of possibly being caught. Then again, if you like that, there's also the tree in the back lot behind the school, the big one that curves around. Perfect for a little exhibitionism. And there's always-"

"Okay Kenny, that's enough!" Stan said, his face flushed scarlet. "What are you, a realtor for sex?"

"Only the best for the golden boy," Kenny replied snarkily. "But seriously, what's up with the janitor's closet? And did I just see Wendy come out of there? Oh no, no way, you two weren't actually-"

"No!" This was getting pretty irritating for Stan. Sure, he loved Kenny in the most non-homo way, but he could be pretty stupid sometimes. "Dude, of course not. Kyle and I are as close as we always are. At least, I think we are." Kenny gave him a funny look.

"Dude, why the long face? You two fighting or something?" He asked.

"No, it's not that," Stan replied. "It's just… Wendy thinks Kyle is cheating on me."

"What?!" Kenny shouted, and Stan turned to glare at him as a teacher came out into the hallway and closed their door, shaking her finger at them.

"Class has started, Kenny, be quiet!"

"Sorry, sorry," Kenny said, his voice now no higher than a whisper. "But there's no way that's happening. Kyle is totally in love with you, man. Trust me."

"Thanks," Stan replied. "I just hope you're right." They walked in silence for a bit, before Kenny turned to him again.

"Out of curiosity, who does she think he's cheating with?"

"...Cartman."

Kenny stared at him for a long time, before he burst out laughing. His loud guffaws echoed throughout the hallway as he just walked away, entering a room on the other side of the hall. A teacher's indignant response to his tardiness was heard, but it wasn't audible over Kenny's hysterical laughter.

As the door shut, Stan sighed and shook his head as he headed towards his class, not bothering to hurry since he was already over five minutes late. There just had to be no way they were dating- it just didn't make sense. Kyle would never cheat on him, and certainly not with Cartman. It just didn't work… right?

…

Stan's day did not get any better after that. He couldn't focus in his classes because his mind kept drifting back to Kyle and Cartman. And he couldn't talk to Kyle until lunch because that was the first class they had together, and that wasn't until fifth period around noon. And his day was only just starting.

The second big event happened during fourth period. The second he stepped into class, someone else grabbed his arm (again) and pulled him out of the room (again), this time aiming for the boy's bathroom.

"Are you kidding me?" Stan muttered as the bathroom door clicked shut behind them and the boy in front of him turned around. "What is it, Clyde?"

The brunette stood looking at him with a panicked expression on his face, nervousness in his eyes, and a twitch near the left side of his mouth that he always got when he was worrying about something.

"I can't do it, dude!" He yelled suddenly, throwing himself on top of the black-haired boy. A thing Stan had learned about Clyde was that he had a tendency to cling to people when he was nervous. A very annoying tendency.

"Can't do what?" Stan asked as he slowly peeled the shaking boy off of him. "What's wrong?"

"I can't be in the same room with him, not anymore! It's just too weird!" He whimpered. "He made it too weird!"

"Who made what weird?"

"Token," Clyde answered in a tremoring voice. "He-" The brunette stopped, his cheeks turning bright red and an awkward embarrassed expression crossed his face.

"Let me guess," Stan said drily. "He said he likes you." Clyde looked at him in shock.

"How'd you know?!"

"He wasn't exactly good at hiding it," Stan replied. "If I wasn't friends with you guys, I'd've thought you were both dating already."

"But that makes no sense!" Clyde wailed. "I've never thought about him like that!"

"Well then you just have to." This was getting to be irritating for him. "You either like him or you don't. It's simple."

"But it's not," Clyde sniffed as tears welled in his eyes. Right. Clyde was a crybaby. Just great. "What if we can't be friends anymore because of this? What if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What if he starts ignoring me? Stan, I can't take that! He's my best friend! If I was you, then he's like my Kyle! This is too stressful; how am I supposed to deal with it if he leaves me?!"

Stan sighed heavily, patting Clyde's shoulder. "If you're that upset about thinking of him abandoning you, I think you already have your answer."

Clyde's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to respond when the door slammed open, an out-of-breath Token standing there. The boy took one look at Clyde's teary face and flew at Stan, his fists raised. Unable to get out of the way since Clyde was still grabbing him, Stan flinched away, but the punch never landed. Standing behind Token was Craig, a bored expression on his face with his hand clenched tightly around Token's wrist.

"Don't be stupid," Craig muttered, shoving past all of them and making his way to a urinal. "Crybaby here obviously just overreacted."

As Clyde hurried over to Token, Stan quickly elbowed his way through the now-crowded bathroom and left. Craig caught up to him as he walked away. Stan glanced over at him, before turning his attention back to the floor.

"Thanks," he mumbled, even more irritated that Craig, of all people, was the one who saved him. The boy raised his middle finger in response.

"They're both idiots," Craig muttered to him.

"I realize that," Stan answered. "Everyone in this goddamn town is."

And there was contented silence the rest of the way to the classroom.

…

When lunch rolled around, Stan was done with the entire day at this point. He fell into heavily into his normal seat and his head smacked into the table. When he made no moves to correct this, Kyle sighed and rotated in his seat to lean against Stan.

"What's up?" He asked. Stan muttered something unintelligible in response and Kyle nodded as if he understood everything the ebony-haired boy had just said. "Mhmm, I see, you're worried that I'm worried about you doing it with Wendy in the janitor's closet this morning, is that it?"

"Kenny!" Stan yelled, and the blonde turned to stare at him innocently.

"I can neither confirm nor deny that he heard that from me," Kenny said.

"Don't worry Stan, since I'm such a nice and forgiving boyfriend, I'll let you off with a warning just this one time," Kyle snickered.

"That's not it, dude! Wendy was just telling me-" He stopped as he remembered the topic.

"Telling you what?" Kyle inquired curiously.

"N-Nothing," He stammered awkwardly in response. "She was just… just reminding me about some homework in math class."

"She needed to take you to the janitor's closet for that?" When Stan nodded furiously in response, Kyle sighed. "If you say so."

Stan breathed a sigh of relief when Kyle didn't question him further and turned, sending his very best death glare to Kenny. The blonde met his eyes unwaveringly and smirked.

"Wow Stan, are those your bed eyes?" He said mockingly. "If Kyle can't meet your needs, I'm always here for you. I'm an exclusive top though."

"Oh, Kenny! Gross!" Stan looked away as he blushed for the umpteenth time that day. Accepting that his glare was a losing battle, he just closed them and rested his head on his folded arms. Kyle noticed this and came to rest a hand on his back.

"But seriously, Stan, are you okay?" He asked worriedly. "You don't seem yourself." Stan glanced at him and smiled softly.

"I've just had a long day so far, that's all," He replied. "Now that I'm with you, I'm feeling better already." Kyle blushed as Stan snaked his fingers around Kyle's and squeezed. Across the table, Kenny groaned and muttered something about getting a room. Stan was finally starting to calm down when a loud smack sounded across the room, followed by a cry of pain. He jerked his head around in shock to stare at the two quarrelling boys on the other side of the cafeteria.

Craig was sitting on the floor, holding a hand to his right cheek as it began to turn red, a shocked expression etched across his face. Tweek stood above him, unusually still, his own face also red, but this time with anger and sadness.

"I hate you!" Tweek yelled at the top of his lungs before bolting from the cafeteria, leaving a now-expressionless Craig and a cafeteria full of shocked students behind him. After a minute, Clyde, who also sat at Craig's table, stood and followed after Tweek as Token moved over to Craig and helped him up.

"Come on," Kyle said as he pulled Stan up and began dragging him over to Craig. "I'm going after Tweek. You talk to Craig."

Stan groaned inwardly as he realized his day was not going to get any better. One look at Kyle's face and he could see there was no way he could get out of this. He dragged his feet as Kenny trailed after him, obviously curious.

"What do you want?" Craig muttered as the two arrived at his table. Token gave him a stern look before turning to the two.

"Don't worry about him. He was just an idiot," Token said. "I mean, really, Craig, you know how Tweek feels. Stop playing around with him like this!"

"Wait, wait, what happened?" Kenny asked. "What do you mean 'playing', what did Craig do?"

"It's not what he did, it's who," Token replied and Craig turned sharply to glare at him- a glare which Token promptly ignored. "He had sex with Lucy Whales."

"With Lucy Whales?!" Kenny practically shrieked. "Dude, she has like 7 STDs, why would you do that?!"

To put things in simple terms, Lucy Whales, who was a year younger than them, was a slut. Almost every guy in her grade had done it with her- not that she wasn't attractive or anything like that, no, she was smoking hot. She just did it so often that there was no way she wasn't dying of syphilis at this point.

"Like you're one to talk, Kenny," Craig said drily. "You had sex with her last week."

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter if I die of STDs," Kenny answered and Stan gave him a funny look.

"Yes, it does," he said. "But we're not getting into that now. Anyway, Craig, did you actually do it with her? Like, seriously?"

"Of course not!" Craig answered angrily. "She just sucked me off, that's all." He mumbled that last part so quietly that they could barely hear it.

"And therein lies the problem," Token said. "You're dating Tweek! You don't let other people suck you off!"

"But Tweek said he wouldn't," Craig said. "What was I supposed to do?" The three boys around him groaned loudly.

"God, you're so fucking stupid," Stan muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Seriously, Craig, seriously. Just don't get a blowjob, it's that easy."

"There is no way that's the only reason you let her do that," Kenny said suddenly. "You wanted Tweek to be upset, didn't you?" If anyone knew Craig best, it was Kenny. The two had never really been close, but they both had incredibly similar personalities in that they were extreme playboys. Before Tweek, Craig had a different girlfriend every week, hell, sometimes there were two in one. But after they began dating, Craig had seemed to settle down- until now that is.

"Is that true?" Token asked quietly. Craig shifted uncomfortably, before glancing away awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

"We've been going out for 3 months now," he said. "And Tweek still won't let me do anything with him. We haven't even kissed yet. It seems like he doesn't actually like me at all, that he's just going out with me so I don't keep dating every girl at school. He talked to me about it the night he confessed, that he was worried I was gonna contract AIDS or something and die. What if he's just going out with me because he's worried- as a friend?"

The three boys just stared at him in shock.

"If anyone, could actually love you romantically, it would be Tweek," Token said. "That guy's loved you since we were kids." Craig looked at him as if he was insane.

"Did you really not notice?" Stan asked, the disbelief clear in his voice. "Ever since people thought you started dating in the fourth grade, he's liked you. Probably even before that."

"God, Craig, you're so stupid," Kenny muttered. "Go talk to him. Tell him that. Don't just be a fucking dumbass." Craig looked like he was going to say something but Token clamped his hand over Craig's mouth.

"We'll go do just that," He said. "Thanks guys."

"No prob," Kenny replied, shrugging. As they walked away he called after them "And for Satan's sake, apologize!" Stan gave him a funny look.

"Why Satan?"

"Because at least I know he's real," Kenny answered matter-of-factly

"Okay then," Stan answered and headed back to his lunch table. He was just about to sit down when- surprise, surprise -the bell rang. As students filed out of the lunchroom, Stan threw his head back in a silent wail of agony and slowly dragged himself out of his favorite class of the day- but not before grabbing the uneaten chocolate-chip cookie off of Kyle's tray. After all, he certainly wasn't going to eat it.

…

Stan's eyelids drooped as his history teacher, Mr. Fischer, droned on and on about the German Kaiser, Wilhelm II. It was already their third week spent on him, and while sure, he was important, Stan was starting to think his teacher had an all-too-real boner for the man.

Just as he was about to drift off into dreamland, a loud clap rang out from the front of the room as Mr. Fischer smacked his hands together. Jolting awake, Stan shot up so fast that he accidently knocked his chair out from under him, sending it clattering across the ground.

"Is there a problem, Stanley?" He asked as the class was sent into hysteric giggling.

"N-No," he answered, pulling his chair back over to him and sitting down awkwardly.

"Well then," Mr. Fischer continued. "If we won't be having any more interruptions, I'd like to give you all this opportunity to work on your project: analyzing Wilhelm II's contributions to Germany and the global economy during his time period." The class groaned collectively and the teacher frowned at them. "Now, now, Wilhelm II was arguably the most vital human being in all of mankind. It's only logical to have you all do this project. This way you can understand his vital vitality. No more complaining or I'm elevating the page number to 6 instead of 4." When there was no response, Mr. Fischer strode back to his desk and fell into his desk chair, opening a book titled The Last Kaiser and taking sips from a clear thermos.

"That's vodka," a voice said behind Stan, and the boy turned to see Kenny plopping into the seat behind him. Stan raised an eyebrow.

"And how would you know?" He asked, to which Kenny smirked.

"I may or may not have snuck a few sips before," he replied, leaning back in the desk. "Definitely vodka. Explains why Mr. Fischer is so fucking happy all the time, especially when he hates kids."

"I doubt he hates kids, Kenny," Stan answered. "Why would he be a teacher?"

"You haven't had detention with him on Saturday morning, dude," Kenny replied, his voice lowering to a whisper. "He makes you sit there and listen to him read poetry from his dream journal. It's like he never grew out of his emo phase. My personal favorite was 'Ode to Greatness'. Know who it was about?"

"Lemme guess: Wilhelm II?" Stan said drily.

"How'd you know?!" Kenny gasped in mock surprise, and the two boys broke into laughter.

"This goddamn class," Stan muttered through fits of giggles. "The only good thing about it is that it's ending after first semester."

"And that it's easy," Kenny added helpfully.

"That too," Stan agreed. "It's too bad Kyle didn't take this, he would've liked the break."

"You and I both know that there's no way that guy would take a class without honors or AP in the name, so he can have fun in AP World History while we relax," Kenny answered. "And besides, you just wish he was in the class so you could flirt all day."

"Kenny!" Stan cried angrily. Mr. Fischer looked up from his book to send a dirty glare their way before reverting his attention again. "We wouldn't do that, dumbass," Stan said, his voice quieter this time.

"Oh you definitely would," Kenny retorted. "Not that I'd mind it. You'd give Fischer a taste of his own medicine. It'd be a real relationship, not the one where he's married to Wilhelm II in his head, so points for you two. Then again, he's probably gone further than you two ever have, so you're probably tied."

"Kenny, just shut up already," Stan muttered, desperately trying to change the subject before Kenny embarrassed him any further. "Did you need something?"

"Oh right!" The blonde answered, slapping a fist into his palm in realization. "It's about that Cartman-and-Kyle thing Wendy told you about earlier. I've figured it out, okay, so look it's really-"

"There you are!" A loud voice rang out from the front of the classroom and all heads turned to see an out-of-breath Wendy standing in the doorway, her gray eyes fixed on Stan.

"Do you need something Mrs. Testaburger?" Mr. Fischer asks as he stands from his desk,an obvious look of irritation on his face. "Shouldn't you be in class right now?"

"I have study hall right now," she answered, making her way over to Stan. The boy rose in his seat, starting to back away.

"Wendy, whatever this is about, it can wait," Stan said, not wanting to make yet another scene and give Kenny more stories to tattle to Kyle.

"Until when, Stan?" She asked, halting in her tracks to rest her hands on her hips.

"Um… What about 'never'?" Stan said hopefully. Wendy rolled her eyes before reaching out, grabbing his wrist (again) and wrenching him towards the door (again). He looked at his teacher. Mr. Fischer had already started reading again, this time wearing headphones with his chair faced away from the door to avoid any and all further interruptions. He looked at Kenny. The blonde was smirking and waving at him as he wa dragged further and further away. Resigning himself to his fate, Stan gave up resisting her brute man strength and allowed himself to be pulled through the door. However, when she made a beeline for a storage closet, he dug his heels in. That was where he drew the line. "No fucking way am I following you in there again," he said. Wendy clicked her tongue, rolling her eyes before shoving him up against a locker.

"Better?" she asked sweetly, her hands resting on either side of him against the lockers, effectively closing him in on all sides. He had seen stuff like this in movies, but it had always been guys doing it to girls, not the other way around. Stan really wanted to point out that this wasn't much better, but one look at her face and he decided against it. He shook his head yes in response and she smiled. "Good. Because we have things to talk about."

"If this is about Kyle and Cartman, I'm not gonna fall for that," Stan said. "There's no way they would do that, they hate each other."

"Allegedly," Wendy answered. "If this was a few weeks earlier, I would agree, but now is now, so I don't. You haven't seen them yet, they're all over each other!" It was Stan's turn to roll his eyes.

"I'm nut buying it," he answered. "Besides, I want to believe in my boyfriend." Wendy frowned and pulled away, clicking her tongue again and shaking her head as if she couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Okay look, I get you don't trust me," Wendy said in frustration, her words slow, as if she was trying to explain this to a three-year-old. "But at least go check the library at some point this period, okay? Their government class is there working on a research project."

"I won't," Stan answered as he turned back to the classroom.

"This is your problem, Stanley!" Wendy called after him angrily. "You never listen to anyone but yourself! You'll regret it when Cartman steals him away from you!"