The Idiot Ball

by TwinEnigma

Warnings/Tags: What-if?, AU Canon Divergence, Mild Language, Screw Destiny, Not the Last Compliant, GFY, Tsunade is a Troll, Kakashi is a Troll, IRUKA IS THE BEST OK?, forever salty, how dare u retcon Iruka, how dare

Part 1 of the In Memoriam Verse; goes hand in hand with The Moon In Water

It begins with Tsunade and a roll of the dice.

No, scratch that - it begins much earlier than that.

Some, particularly Sasuke, say it's the moment Naruto met the Sage of the Six Paths, was told his destiny, and Naruto waited approximately a fraction of a second before laughing his ass off. Anyone who was in Konoha when Pain attacked agreed that the moment everything changed was when Naruto fought Pain (and also Sasuke wasn't there, what would he know).

The old Toad Sage, when he'd found out, hummed and mentioned offhandedly that prophecies are fluid things, the meaning of which is only found in reflection and subjective assignation to the situation at hand. "Of course, it's objectively meaningless if the subject of the prophecy doesn't believe in it," he'd added and took another long drag of his pipe. "Such is the nature of prophecy."

The truth is, as things often went with Naruto, the root of the change could be traced to his lonely childhood and the rather neglectful care taken in his general and social education. It is a testament to Iruka's compassion and skill that Naruto became anywhere near a functional teenager (and, from there, a mostly functional adult). In fact, the village historians would, in later years, cite Iruka as one of the most absolutely critical people to shaping Naruto's character and morality as both person and Kage, followed in short order by the original members of his Team Seven, the Sandaime Hokage and Jiraiya (to the eternal dismay of the more conservative traditionalists in the Hyuuga, Hinata had not rated the cut in spite of their dogged insistence that she was a valuable and early influence to him; her cousin Neji, on the other hand, had been listed among the top ten, a fact that the cadet Hyuuga delighted in lording over their main branch cousins – truthfully, they were very lucky that the Caged Bird Seal had been summarily abolished by Naruto in the Post-War Treaties).

In short, by taking on the daunting task of befriending and teaching Naruto, Umino Iruka had essentially saved the world. True, the Sandaime had looked in on Naruto and regarded him with kindness and compassion throughout his childhood and early preteens. True, Naruto had encountered and made overtures of friendship to both Sasuke and Sakura prior to their Academy enrollment, foreshadowing their continuing and eventually prominent roles in his life. However, it was universally accepted that Iruka was, in all actuality, the biggest primary influence in Naruto's early life. He was cool big brother and teacher in one and, perhaps most importantly, he actually demonstrated a vested care for Naruto, winning his eternal devotion and kinship in the process.

And for all that Iruka complained that he had failed in imparting much of the critical curriculum to Naruto, Iruka had only truly failed in one educational task in those early years: namely, to convey any notion of respect and understanding for certain philosophical matters – namely, the notion of fate.

In that, he failed spectacularly.

"It's a joke," he'd told Naruto once. "If I believed in it, then that would mean I would have to believe that the Kyuubi attack was unavoidable, that my parents – and yours – that they died because they were fated to and not because they chose to do everything they could to protect us. I refuse to dishonor their sacrifice by reducing it to an act of indifferent fate."

As a direct result, Naruto had fostered a well-known dislike of the notion of destiny, one that he was already on record espousing wholeheartedly as early as his first and only attempt at the Chuunin exams. It should have come to the surprise of absolutely no one that being told he had some greater destiny would be met with exactly the kind of gravity he'd always given it – that is, to say, precisely none.

So, when Pain waxed poetic about the prophecy Jiraiya had been told, the one that Pain had interpreted through the lens of his own horrific experience and executed in line with the only kinds of authority he'd ever known, and suggested that Naruto was the actual intended Chosen One, Naruto had privately filed it all under Bullshit and left it at that. He, of course, had felt bad for Pain, but not bad enough to forget that Pain had killed Jiraiya, a beloved teacher and friend, and devastated Konoha, the place where almost all of Naruto's precious people were, nor that Pain had tortured his one of his friends solely to make him emotionally suffer.

In a way, Naruto had kind of pitied him.

("You have to understand," Tsunade had told him, afterwards. She was drunk and they were standing over Jiraiya's grave. "Those kids were living in the middle of a warzone. And we could have – we should have helped. Instead, we all turned our backs. We should have stayed. Instead, we laid the groundwork for this. If only we'd helped, if only we'd acknowledged our responsibility…")

And when the Sage had appeared during the war, weaving the sad tale of enmity between his sons and their legacy (or, perhaps, more accurately, their curse) and told him that mess was now being shoved into his and Sasuke's hands, Naruto had felt that this was bullshit of the highest order.

Naruto hadn't been shy about letting him know it either (and Sasuke nearly died of second-hand embarrassment in the process).

"My life flashed before my eyes," Sasuke told his former Rookie fellows once, a few years later, in a rare moment of inebriated vulnerability. "I thought this is it, this is how I die. Not because of Madara or whatever, but because Naruto just told the Sage – the fucking Sage – to play hide and go fuck himself."

It should have come as no surprise to anyone that any young man with such an attitude was going to have a few problems with other, more worldly concepts – such as "this is the way it's always been" or "it'd be impossible" and also "Sasuke really needs to be prosecuted for his crimes."

"We just fought a goddess," Naruto had said, to all of that.

"I punched her in the face," Sakura had added. "It was awesome."

"Hn," Sasuke had agreed – it had been as close to a hell yeah as they'd ever get from him, in this life or the next.

It's supposed to be impossible to do such a thing, but we did it anyway was the unsaid point.

The other, less diplomatic interpretation was we just punched out a god, we'll punch you, too, if we have to, and there's precisely nothing you can do about it.

What on earth could Tsunade say to that?

The elders, of course, had a perfectly good list of answers to that question, much of which revolved around covering Konoha's ass (an ass left hanging out the proverbial window and flapping in the proverbial wind, thanks to Obito and Madara) while avoiding any admission of responsibility for the situation, much less admitting that it was true that they'd basically pressured, set up and systematically slaughtered one of their most prestigious clans, a clan that had produced three of the most dangerous missing nin the world had ever seen, and had some advanced knowledge that Madara was an active threat.

(The fact that Itachi Uchiha was actually a deep cover operative and had been reporting to Danzo, who had wanted a war, was a part of the narrative that the elders tended to turn a blind eye to. After all, many of them were sympathetic to Danzo or, at least, his stance on demonstrating the village's military strength while ignoring their complicity in creating the situation.)

"It'd be really bad for us if this got out publicly," the elders told her. "Best to just forget, let bygones be bygones."

(Sasuke, if he'd still been in the room and heard that, would have positively hit the roof and straight-up murdered them; as it was, Tsunade was highly tempted to do it herself. And they wondered why she drank so much.)

Not that it would get out publicly, at any rate, at least not where civilians were concerned, and most of the really important people – e.g. the other four Kage – already had suspected as much for years. They are shinobi, after all, and also their economic and military competition. To overlook it as a possibility would have been a shameful oversight on their parts.

But PR is PR and in the post-War, Konoha is currently suffering from a bout of extremely bad PR, the kind that could possibly injure their economy in the long run. Worse, the vultures from the other nations are circling, hoping to tear a few chunks out of Konoha's hide while she's still recovering.

And so, we go back to the beginning (or, more accurately, the point of most significant divergence), where Tsunade decides to roll the proverbial dice.

The thing everyone forgets about Tsunade is that she is, at heart, cut of the same cloth as her grandfather, Hashirama. She's a gambler, like him, willing to take a risk on an untested venture. She is also a veteran kunoichi, one who is used to being considered always somehow the lesser of her peers by virtue of her gender – even when it is quite blatantly obvious that she is exceptionally talented in her own right and profoundly competent in her profession (such is the universal lament of kunoichi; that she has the further shame of not having retired to the role of housewife and mother is wisely never mentioned in her presence, for fear of her well-placed and clearly deserved wrath). She grew up knowing the bloodshed of the First War and cemented her reputation in the Second. She has not survived as long as she has by being hasty or imprudent and, though she may play the vain drunkard, it is forgotten that this is an image of her deliberate contrivance.

(It is very easy to think her weak – a loud, impulsive drunkard of an old spinster, obsessed with her vanity. It is far harder to remember that she is actually the more subtly dangerous of the Sannin and her strength has never lain in her ninjutsu alone.)

The situation at present is such: the Elder council would very much like her to retire. She's not getting any younger, the strain of the war and Pain's attack on the village had clearly taken a toll on her, and things are changing. Also, the post-War treaty negotiations are coming up and the other Kage want an answer on the Sasuke Question.

She, of course, knows what was unsaid.

They want someone younger, a pretty face they can tack on a bad PR nightmare with assurances that things will be different, someone who will stick to the party line without giving them the kind of headaches she has, and, perhaps most egregiously, they blame her for Pain's attack on the village (never mind that Pain obviously had help on the inside to bypass the barrier and there was only one person ballsy enough to use a situation like that to make a grab for her position – honestly, if Danzo wasn't already dead, she'd have killed him herself).

They'd also like her to propose a punishment for Sasuke Uchiha for his stunt at the Summit – by law, he should be executed, but that's just not going to happen. He may have attacked the Summit and joined a murderous gang bent on destroying the world, but he helped save the world in a way that made it impossible to ignore his role in doing so. A lot of people may hate his guts, but there is no way it would have gotten done without him. Ultimately, she knows whatever she or her replacement proposes to punish him will be a useless gesture aimed at mollifying the other Kage (the Raikage, in particular), who still very much want him dead (hell if any one of them could actually execute the little shit now anyway).

(He's too powerful, for one, and Naruto would never allow it.)

She could, she knows, allow this to go unanswered. She could. After all, the prime candidate to replace her is Kakashi – currently popular, a genius, and the gifted student of a Kage – and she is rather done with the council's shenanigans. But genius and popularity is no guarantee of competence, as she well knows.

(Orochimaru, after all, had been a genius – it didn't mean he was suited in the slightest.)

Kakashi could make a great Kage. He could.

And yet, she knows in her gut that he won't be a good fit.

Kakashi isn't a politician. He's an ex-ANBU, used to being the tool in a Kage's hand, not the hand that uses it. Oh, he understands the game all right – he was Minato's right hand, after all – but he's always avoided politics and politicians like they're diseased. He feigns laziness to cover deep-seated and untreated mental trauma (and he won't seek help, she knows this, because there is an attitude among shinobi that to do so is admitting weakness).

He's a soldier – a good one – and a patriot. If they were at war, Tsunade has no doubt he'd be an excellent Kage. War is something that Kakashi knows intimately. But they are not at war, not anymore.

Why then should they even bother appointing a wartime Kage?

"I hate politics," Tsunade tells herself.

(She says this to herself as many as forty times some days.)

Perhaps it is time to retire, she thinks.

And maybe she's had too much to drink, or maybe it's just years of getting crap from the council, but Tsunade suddenly has an idea. It's one of those ideas that seems absolutely ludicrous at first, but the more she thinks about it, the more reasonable it seems.

It's a move none of the other nations will expect. She knows it'll make them wonder if she's flat up lost her damn mind, right up until they realize what she's done, and then they'll wonder if she's actually the most viciously savage and clever kage to ever walk the planet.

It's also a move that will flat up drive the elders up the wall, that's what it'll do.

Technically, she'd be giving the elders everything they want: a young, pretty face, one that's currently popular, is a powerful and respected shinobi representing a changing world, and a miracle worker with PR. As a bonus, other nations respect his power and ability enough that his appointment will send a clear message about Konoha's strength to all of them, ensuring that they will be less likely to try and test Konoha's borders (and, in turn, kick off another war).

On the other hand, she's handing the elders an unpredictable, morally strident idealist with no experience or training in political matters, who makes friends across national borders as easy as breathing and has an absolute commitment to changing an aging and toxic system, one that has personally caused him and the people he cares about pain. He will certainly not tow the party line, nor will he let them cover up all the blood with proverbial fresh tatami.

Sure, the shinobi system is so entrenched that eradicating it as it stands currently would mean the death of the national economy, but it's not a totally impossible problem. Given the right advisors and the right approach, it's certainly possible to lay the groundwork for eliminating it in the long term, which is exactly what her grandfather would have wanted, really.

And, moreover, it solves the Sasuke Question rather nicely, by putting it into the hands of someone who will make it blatantly clear that he's off limits and retaliation will swiftly follow.

Tsunade cackles and sends an ANBU to fetch Kakashi.

Oh, she can't wait to see the look on their faces.

If she does this right, it's going to be the best gamble she's ever taken.

She laughs again and jots down a rough outline of a plan. Sake stains the corner. It's fine. This is, after all, just a draft. When she's got Kakashi on board, he'll figure out the best way to execute this on the practical end.

"This is ridiculous," Kakashi tells her when he gets there and she unveils her plan to him.

Politics are ridiculous in this world. And the fact that Kakashi was willing to accept a nomination as Hokage because his dying, axe-crazy missing nin former teammate wanted him to is just as ridiculous, if not more so.

Things have to change. She's at her wits end with this shit.

So she explains the situation until he gets it and when he does, Kakashi leaves her office with his orders and a much deeper appreciation for just how cunning his Kage actually is. The fact that he gets to troll the council in the process is just icing on the cake.

(He forgot his own advice, it seems: to look underneath the underneath.)

Tsunade picks up her pen and rolls the proverbial dice.

I hereby appoint Naruto Uzumaki my successor, effective immediately.

"What," is Naruto's deadpan, terrified response when he is informed.

(Sasuke, standing next to him, pales and needs to lie down. Sakura finds it all hilarious. Karin, Juugo, and Suigetsu loudly wonder if it is not too late to reconsider hanging around Konoha – the fact that they are technically still under arrest is never given a thought. Naruto has deemed them kith and kin and that is the end of the matter.)

"Delightful!" is the Daimyo's response and the nomination goes through.

(The Daimyo does so love a national hero. The fact that Naruto is sixteen and untested is conveniently never mentioned. Politicians, Tsunade thinks in distaste.)

"You can't do that," is the response from the elders.

"I just did," she tells them, which is as close to a fuck you as she can politely get with them.

The other Kage are bewildered and amused in one, approving the nomination (they think, she knows, that she has just crippled her nation and put a naïve child in charge; they do not know Naruto like she does and they have learned nothing from Gaara).

(The Mizukage, however, sees what she's done and privately salutes her. "Savage, utterly savage," she writes in her letter. "This is going to be great.")

And that is how, at sixteen, Naruto Uzumaki becomes the youngest Hokage ever to assume the seat.

("Baa-chan, are you sure?" Naruto asks. He fidgets nervously. "This doesn't feel right. It should be Kakashi. He knows what he's doing. I don't. I'm too young.")

He walks into the Summit with robes that are too big for him hanging off his shoulders and a hat that won't stay put. He's flanked by Sasuke and Sakura, both silent and composed. They look professional. He looks like a kid in his dad's clothes that got lost.

It takes him less than two minutes to tear that image to shreds.

("You are Naruto Uzumaki. You never give up. You always find a way, even if it's something unexpected. I have faith in you," she tells him.)

Naruto's greatest strength has always been his friends.

(She reminds him of that strength then, when he needs it most, and that even she and Kakashi are there to support him. What he does not know he can learn, as he has friends who are experienced in the matter beside him. She is rewarded with a smile that warms her like sunshine.)

When he assumes the mantle of Hokage, Naruto doesn't do so alone. Behind him, in his words and in his ideas, his friends come with him. He knows he may not be able to change the system immediately, but he does not intend to give up: he made a promise, after all, and the problem's not nearly as impossible as it seems (difficult, yes, long term project, definitely, but not impossible - impossible is for other people, people who believe in things like destiny being fixed). Instead, he changes tactics, looks for unexpected solutions, and finds them in the expertise and experience of his friends. They are, after all, stronger together than they are apart and he has faith, both in himself and them.

And when he walks into that Summit, no one realizes that they're witnessing the start of a great change.

"Change starts small," Iruka told him once a long time ago, over ramen.

Naruto never forgets that lesson.

(Tsunade is counting on that.)

AN:

Ahaaha wouldn't it be wild if Naruto didn't buy into the prophecy/fate business at all? And just FRIENDSHIPPED the hell out of solving problems?
because, you know, Naruto.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this will be more than one chapter or if I'll add another - I mean, I just saw something that reminded me of my eternal salt regarding this manga (all of them deserved better, jfc) and this... happened. Also, I'm like 95% sure that with my health problems I'm unlikely to get the doujinshi I always wanted to do for this verse off the ground (which is sad), but... I can still relay the greater story. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyway, this is a bit of an unbetad mess, because, well, sick. AND SINCE I'M STILL SICK, I figured I'd crosspost this bad boy from my Ao3 (also TwinEnigma) - it just went up there first because tbh I love their series management option; makes it really easy to keep track of my related fics. I'm also backing up a bunch of my fics to there as well, which is an ongoing process.

So yeah, for the purposes of the In Memoriam Verse, Iruka says fate's bullshit, Tsunade says up yours to the council, Kakashi rolls with it, Naruto is Not Ready (but he's got Awesome Friends Ready To Help), Sasuke is so done he's reached another plane of existence (it's very hard to be at that edgelord level he was in canon when his best friend literally causes Asura's conflict to vanish because Sasuke is so MORTIFIED at his brother from another mother that Asura can't even).

Like canon, Naruto's aware changing the system is an "impossible" dream, but unlike canon, IM Naruto never loses faith because of it. It's not a prophecy he's failed at because he doesn't BELIEVE in the prophecy to begin with - it's a load of hooey. He believes in himself and his friends. He builds and relies on a support system and it works for him.