Note: I wrote this a long time ago and never intended to post it. It probably would have rotted in my computer for the rest of time, except for an incident that is, unfortunately, prodding me into posting it.
This is a story about certain aftereffects of childhood sexual assault. If you find this content triggering or personally uncomfortable or you don't want to read about it for any reason, please take that into consideration. There is no explicit content, and the subject itself is mostly handled in an abstract and fragmented way. It's only rated M for language and subject matter.
Anyway, I just had a friend tell me that he was assaulted as a child, and... Yeah, it was rough. Afterwards, I went back and dug up this story again.
There are actually three parts; I might post the other ones later. I just want to say that this wasn't really written for entertainment value. It's not a treatise either, but everything is really symbolic and I took it seriously. Some things are played up simply because it is a story, but I didn't sugarcoat it. Even to this day, this is still the hardest story that I have ever written.
Again, if you have any reason to not want to read this story, please don't feel pressured to read it. If you or anyone you know has ever experienced something like that, you have my sincerest condolences, and my heart hurts for you.
Honey, if there was any one thing that could be said to magically make things better, then someone would have figured it out years ago and stuff like this wouldn't be an issue anymore. Obviously that one thing doesn't exist, but I wish it did so that I could say it to you right now.
It started off like any other fight. Gray had made one sardonic comment too many about Natsu's latest screw-up, and the dragon slayer had thrown caution to the wind and attacked him right in the middle of the guild hall, even though Erza was only a few feet away.
"Why are you always so annoying?" Natsu complained, aiming a punch at Gray's face.
The ice mage just swayed to the side and smirked. Despite the sudden assault and the taunts raging back and forth, there was a gleam of excitement in Natsu's eyes that showed he was less mad than eager to have a good brawl.
"It's a talent," Gray replied cheerfully, almost managing to land a hit on his friend. "But if you wouldn't keep losing us all our reward money by destroying things, I wouldn't have quite as much to annoy you about."
"It was an accident!"
"And that makes it better how?"
There was a flash of movement in the edge of Gray's field of vision. Normally he knew better than to let himself get distracted during a fight, but something was coming at him fast and he automatically swiveled toward it, tensing in anticipation.
"You two need to stop right now!"
Gray caught a glimpse of Erza's furious expression as she stormed toward them, before he was suddenly shoved to the ground. His back slammed into the floor and he hissed in pain, his gaze jerking up to meet Natsu's equally surprised eyes. Apparently the dragon slayer hadn't expected him to lose concentration in the middle of a fight and get blindsided by such a straightforward attack either.
But Gray had been distracted, and when he hadn't responded to the threat as expected, the force of the attack had toppled both combatants over. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Natsu's surprise quickly melted away, a smirk spreading across his face as he adjusted his position and pinned Gray's arms and chest down.
"Well, well, who would've thought?" He grinned triumphantly. "Looks like I win. Now apologize for insulting me and maybe I'll let you up."
Gray was frozen, eyes wide, breath caught in his throat. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. The heavy weight on his chest, his back pressed against the hard ground, the hands holding him down, the heat radiating from the body above him… It was all too familiar, dredging up the memories and sensations he'd worked so hard to bury over the years.
Pinned, trapped, helpless.
"Get off," he breathed, his voice sounding faraway and hollow in his ears.
The panic was setting in, clawing at his chest and dragging him back to a place he didn't want to go. No, he couldn't panic here, not in the middle of the guild in front of all his friends. It was just a friendly fight, nothing worse, so there was no reason at all to be panicking. But he could feel his muscles going rigid anyway as he sucked in ragged breaths, his heart thudding painfully against his chest so quickly that he worried he might pass out for a second. He was in the guild, it was just a fight, but reality was blurring and wavering under the press of the memories.
"Apologize," Natsu insisted.
"Will you just get off him?" Erza hissed from somewhere to the left. Gray was too panicky to look at her or really register her words as anything other than white noise. "What have I told you about fighting in the guild? You know that–"
"Let me go," Gray said, his voice rising in pitch. "Oh God, oh God, let me go."
Trapped, caged, it's going to happen again, again, again.
"Gray?" A hint of uncertainty and concern crept into Natsu's voice, and Gray forced himself to really focus on his friend's face. He couldn't lose it here in front of everyone. "Are you okay?"
"It'll be okay, you'll see. It's not so bad, hm?"
Gray opened his mouth but nothing came out. His body's trembling was escalating to full-on shaking now.
Frowning, Natsu leaned down to peer at Gray's face with narrowed eyes. "What is–?"
Leaning down, coming closer, unwelcome heat, so, so wrong.
Fight back. It can't happen again. Fight back.
"No!"
The magic exploded out of Gray as he totally lost it, smashing into his assailant in a formless blast, too wild and primal to be controlled or shaped. Drawing his knees to his chest, he curled into the fetal position and squeezed his eyes shut.
Close your eyes and curl up and wish it all away, pretend it isn't happening, if you pretend you can't feel it then maybe it's like it never happened at all.
"What the hell? Do you two always have to destroy the guild?"
"Why couldn't you have just taken this outside?"
"Hey, you almost hit me!"
Too weak, too weak to fight, just survive.
"What are you–? Wait, is he okay?"
"What happened?"
"Gray? Gray, say something!"
"Normally I'd like to hear you scream my name, but we wouldn't want to get anyone's attention, would we? Be a good boy, stay quiet."
Oh God, he was crying. He couldn't be doing that here, because…because… He just couldn't be. He wasn't supposed to be losing it here.
How utterly pathetic.
"Gray? What's wrong?"
Something touched his arm, shook him gently.
Hands everywhere, touching, prodding, burning. Stop, stop, stop.
"Don't touch me!"
Fight, fight, fight.
Won't do any good. You're too weak.
Gray lashed out blindly, limbs flailing and ice flying. It hadn't done much good before, but maybe he could hold his attackers off for a little while before he inevitably failed to stop anything at all.
"Ow! Crap. Give him some space. Natsu, stay away!"
Just give it up.
Fight, fight, fight.
Too weak.
Try anyway.
Too broken.
Fight anyway.
You can't win.
Can't lose, can't lose again.
Survive.
Survive.
Survive.
"What did I do to him? I didn't mean– I don't know– What did I do?"
He couldn't get any air in between the sobs and shaking. Hyperventilating without air, only serving to make him dizzy and scared.
Heavy hand pressing down, no air, can't breathe, can't scream.
It seemed to go on forever, an eternity of hell, but then the panic started slowly receding, ebbing away a little at a time, just enough that he could focus on the present again. The memories and phantom sensations were still there, overlaid on top of reality like a ghostly nightmare that shimmered away if he looked too closely yet continued preying on the edges of his mind, but he was slowly finding the differences between what was real and what was only a product of his imagination.
"I mean, surely there's something we can do?" That was Lucy. She sounded worried, scared. Not good.
"Let's let him do this part on his own." Erza. Even she sounded freaked out. "He almost took my head off earlier. Whatever's wrong, he doesn't want us that close to him. When he calms down then we can figure out how to help him."
"It's like he doesn't recognize us at all," Natsu mumbled. "Which is probably why he doesn't want us near him."
"But what is it that he's panicking about? He looks like he's reliving something." Cana. God, the whole guild was getting in on it.
As the sea of noise continued to resolve itself into individual voices, the other physical sensations began creeping back into place as well. There was the hard floor beneath him, and he was aware that he was curled into a ball, still shaking and gasping for breath.
Right in the middle of the guild.
He wanted to die, or at least sink through the floor and disappear so that he didn't have to stand up and face everyone. He didn't want to see the pity and concern on their faces, didn't want to know that they'd now seen him at one of his weakest points, a part of himself he'd never wanted them to see.
"Sometimes it's easy to forget since he never brings it up, but he had a really rough childhood," Erza said. "Maybe it's not surprising if it left a mark on him. Post-traumatic stress, maybe?"
Oh God, they know, they know, they've figured it out.
Gray almost started panicking again, before it occurred to him that they were talking about Deliora. They were assuming it was the memory of the demon that was haunting him. And it did, but that was a different nightmare for a different time, with its own set of challenges to face. But if they wanted to assume that's what this was, then all the better. Anything was better than the truth.
"I've never seen him do anything like this before, and I've known him for a long time. It must've been really bad for him to break down like this now…" Cana again.
"He's always been very good at hiding his pain." Tired, sad, regretful. Jii-chan. "We should help him in any way we can, but just…be gentle with him. This is the first time I've seen a brat have a full-blown panic attack in the guild. This shouldn't be a place for him to feel uncomfortable or afraid. It should be quite the opposite."
You have to get up and face them eventually.
It would be so much easier to lay here forever and pretend this isn't happening.
How pathetic. That's never worked before, has it?
Gray sucked in a shuddering breath, savored the coldness of the floor against his cheek for a moment longer, and then slowly pushed himself to a sitting position, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the ground so that he didn't have to see anyone's expression. That edge of panic was still eating away at him, leaving him off-balance and prepared to plunge right back over the edge if he wasn't careful, but it was almost, almost, under control. For now. But he needed to get out of here in case he lost it again. From experience, he knew that it could take hours for him to calm down completely.
"Gray? Are you alright?" Lucy asked. "What happened?"
Everyone was asking him if he was okay, what happened, what they could do, and their voices blended together in an otherworldly blur. For a second he felt like he was slipping away again, the echoes of worried questions fading to a faraway hum and the hard reality beneath his hands wavering dangerously. Taking a deep breath, he stood up, wincing at the stiff achiness of his muscles.
"I'm fine," he rasped. It was hard to force the words out past the tightness constricting his throat, but at least it helped ground him a little, pin him to reality.
"You're obviously not fine," Happy disagreed, his anxiety clearly evident in his voice even though Gray refused to look at him.
Gray shrugged halfheartedly and swiped at his face to get rid of the tears he had apparently been shedding.
Bawling in front of the entire guild when nothing even happened. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
He still didn't want to look at his friends and see what they thought about his little episode reflected in their eyes, but he couldn't stare at his feet forever. It was harder than it should have been to wrench his gaze away from the ground, but he finally managed it. His eyes skipped over faces, but he quickly found himself distracted by the devastation wrought on the hall.
There was ice everywhere, jagged spears radiating out from where he had been lying, piercing through the walls and roof, splintering wood and missing flesh by inches. It was ugly, all sharp, slicing edges and cold splendor, a physical manifestation of the ugliness of his soul. Slowly, still entranced by the dreadful spectacle, he waved a hand and let his magic dissipate, leaving behind only the damage it had caused to the building.
You lost control. How could you lose control like that? You could have killed someone.
Another jolt of panic spiked through him and his head jerked around as he sought out Natsu with his eyes. He had a vague recollection of the dragon slayer pinning him down, and with the explosion of magic that followed… He let out a shaky breath, a wave of relief crashing over him as he spotted Natsu, who seemed unharmed aside from a couple shallow cuts.
But you could have killed him.
But I didn't.
You're dangerous.
Better than weak.
Is it?
"You look like you could use a drink," Cana said. Gray's head swiveled toward her and he fixed his gaze on a point just to the left of her eyes. "A really strong one. Calm you down."
"Or a warm meal," Mira suggested. "Why don't you sit down?"
Gray shook his head jerkily. "I'm fine now."
You could have killed any of them.
Erza cautiously approached him, moving slowly until she could determine how he would react. He stiffened but stood still, aside from the persistent trembling that just wouldn't stop.
"Gray, you know you can tell us anything," she said gently.
Oh God, she knows, she guesses, no, no, no.
He tried to tamp down the instinctive surge of panic, reminding himself that they still thought this was just about Deliora or something equally innocuous. He would've never thought he'd describe Deliora as 'innocuous', but in this particular situation, almost anything was preferable to the truth.
"Sure." He half shrugged, half nodded, even knowing that it was a lie.
His gaze flickered away, but abruptly zeroed in on her face again as he noticed a thin red gash across her cheek, a few streaks of crimson blood dribbling free to mar her skin. He thought he remembered lashing out again when someone had touched him, and it looked like Erza was the lucky winner. Stepping forward, Gray reached out hesitantly, his fingers hovering just above the cut for a few moments. Unable to make himself cross that last half-centimeter divide, he dropped his hand.
"I'm sorry," he breathed. Hunching his shoulders and dropping his gaze to the ground again, he turned away and headed for the door. "I should go."
"Wait!"
He sensed the movement before any of his physical senses picked it up and spun back around, the temperature of the air around him plummeting as his magic sprang to his fingertips, ready to mold. To fight. Erza halted her approach immediately, wincing and taking a conciliatory step backward.
"Sorry, I should have known better," she said, eyes shining with regret.
Gray swallowed hard, trying to put a stop to the shaking that had suddenly intensified again.
He's going to attack, fight back, you have to strike first.
It's just Erza.
Fight, fight, fight.
He stared down at his trembling hands, willing himself to release his death grip on his magic. He wasn't under attack—there was no need to be holding so tightly to his magic.
No, no, no. Don't let go. You can't be weak, helpless, defenseless.
I'm not under attack.
You're always under attack. Can you afford to take the risk? Fight, strike first.
It's safe here.
Never safe. Never, never, never.
He unclenched his fists with difficulty, grinding his teeth together as he tried to let go of the magic and tamp down the resulting panic.
I'm going to lose control again and kill someone.
That thought was like being doused in cold water, and he gasped harshly, finally finding the push he needed to release his magic. He couldn't afford to lose control again. The magic melted away from his fingertips, settling back in its normal place to wait, but he was afraid that it could burst forth again at the slightest provocation. He wrapped his arms around himself as tightly as possible, digging his fingers into his sides painfully in a bid to contain the magic and let the sharp ache ground him.
"It's fine," he mumbled.
"Gray… What is it that you're so afraid of?" Erza asked quietly.
Hands—reaching, crushing, trapping, touching. Fire—burning, hurting, winning, destroying. Him—leering, laughing, caging, violating.
"Not you," Gray managed to choke out, shrinking in on himself even more. "It's not you."
It's everything. Scared of everything. Broken, weak, pathetic.
He shook his head slightly. It wasn't his friends' fault that he was lashing out at them, and it wasn't them he really kept trying to fend off. Probably they had guessed that, but better safe than sorry.
"I'm sorry," Natsu said suddenly. Despite himself, Gray was startled enough to meet his eyes. It must be bad if Natsu was apologizing to him. Gray could read the guilt and worry and grief in his friend's eyes and it was so wrong because Natsu shouldn't ever look like that. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry. What did I do? I mean, is there something I can do to fix this?"
"It has nothing to do with you," Gray said vehemently.
Except… Burning—heat. Trapping—pinning. Pain—hurt.
"It's not your fault," he added, voice lowering as he looked away. "Just… You can't pin me down like that, okay?"
"But… It's not the first time that's happened, but you've never reacted like this before."
True enough. It wasn't frequent, but every once in a while Gray would find himself pinned down for one reason or another. Maybe Natsu trapped him up against a wall when they were fighting, or an opponent caged him in a battle. And even after all these years, that was still the most triggering sensation for him, the one that could stir up the panic even though he'd learned how to mostly control it over time and push the memories down until he could ignore them as long as nothing forcibly dragged them up again.
Gray always had to be hyperaware of his surroundings. He had to know where everyone was and what they were doing. Scanning for threats, basically. So usually he could see those moments coming, and it would at least give him the chance to prepare himself and keep the panic under control until he could escape. The difference this time was that he had been distracted and hadn't seen it coming.
"You caught me by surprise," he mumbled. "But it never ends well. Just… Please. Please don't."
"Of course I won't," Natsu said hurriedly, wringing his hands together. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't." Gray laughed hollowly. "I didn't want you to."
"Is there anything we can do?" Lucy burst in. "To help?"
No one's coming. No one notices, no one hears. How can they all pass by without noticing?
"No," he said flatly.
A decade too late.
He turned away, needing to escape. "I'll be good as new by tomorrow."
He paused a moment in the doorway as Erza spoke up again.
"If you need us, we're here," she said softly. "We're always here for you, no matter what."
Gray's throat constricted painfully, hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
If only you knew, Erza. If only you knew.
"I'll work on repairing the damage to the hall tomorrow," he said, not looking back.
He pushed his way out the door before anyone could respond, and made a beeline for his apartment. Now that he didn't have to keep it together in front of his friends, he could feel himself starting to slip away again. He bowed his head to hide the tears, but there was nothing he could do about the trembling.
A passerby bumped into him.
Someone bumps into him. A pause. A hand wraps around his wrist.
"Hey kid, got a minute?"
The hand tightens its grip.
Gray took off running, his feet pounding against the street, the sound echoing in his ears along with his gasps for breath. His muscles were still stiff and achy from his episode, but he didn't care. Maybe he could at least run it out, tire himself out enough that the panic faded away.
You can't outrun the past.
He could try.
"Sorry, kiddo. There's nowhere to run."
The necklace seemed to superheat, the pendant burning his skin, branding him every time it bounced against his chest.
"Well, I'd feel bad if I didn't give you something…"
I don't want it, don't want it, go away.
Gray slammed into his door at full speed, hissing in pain as he bounced back off it. Rummaging through his pocket, he found the key and tried to fit it into the lock, but dropped it. Cursing, he dropped to his knees, his hands scrabbling around until they found the key again. It took several tries to get it into the lock, impeded by the violent shaking of his hands, but eventually he got the door open and burst inside.
He headed straight for the bathroom, splashing his face with ice-cold water in an attempt to snap himself back to reality and overcome the phantom heat burning across his body. For a second it seemed to help, until he glanced up and found himself staring right at his reflection in the mirror. It seemed to waver, melting into a younger boy with eyes full of pain and shame.
Weak, pathetic, dirty, shameful, broken.
Without thinking, Gray lashed out and slammed his fist into the mirror, the reflective surface splintering under the force of the blow. Shards of glass rained down, but enough jagged pieces remained on the wall to keep reflecting back that goddamn child. Except that now, with the cracks running across his face, he was just as broken on the outside as he was on the inside.
Good.
He spun away, ignoring the splinters of glass stuck in his hand and the blood oozing from the injuries. He didn't care. And it's not like it was such a big deal. It wasn't the first time he'd broken every mirror in his apartment because he didn't want to see his face reflected back at him.
Throwing himself onto his bed, he squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the pillow over his head and waited
How could you lose it in front of the whole damn guild?
for
They're going to figure it out, see how broken and pathetic you really are.
it
And who will love you then?
all
You always screw everything up. You hurt them.
to
Maybe you deserved it.
end.
Note: Yeah. I don't really know what else to say about this. I may or may not post the other two parts later.
emmahoshi: It's alright, I put up the warnings because I know this isn't for everyone. These are the type of fics that I, personally, look for when I'm dealing with my own issues and am looking for a way to find my own answers, but it's definitely not everyone's preferred method. But thank you, and I'll see you next story.