Summary: Accounting: the true reason why Ricardo was known as the cruelest Vongola boss- just by doing his job. In which Giotto has a pity party, G is universally adored for being sane and the Vongola Alliance assumes Rica is a woman and suffers for it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.

''Before we end the meeting, I would like to announce I am going to retire. Rica's taking over for me.'' Giotto beamed.

''Translation,'' G said underneath his breath, ''Your unfinished paperwork won't fit into the thirty-fifth room you reserved for it anymore, so you're dumping in on your cousin and running like hell before he finds out.''

…

''Rica?'' someone asked.

Giotto nodded enthusiastically.

There were a few murmurs around the room, most of which consisted of: ''Vongola Secondo is going to be a woman?!'' But Giotto was sure he had heard that wrong. The acoustics in the Vongola Alliance meeting room were awful! They should do something about it- but that was Rica's problem now. Just like his paperwork. Giotto's plans were the greatest.

Finally, a boss spoke up. ''But... Will your successor be able to defend the Alliance?''

''Oh yes, Rica fights with fists only, but isn't any less vicious for it!'' Giotto chirped, putting his feet on the table, directly on top of his Storm's notes. G didn't even bother to glare at him, simply elbowing the feet off the table.

Giotto sighed happily. Ah, sweet routine!

Frowning, the bosses turned to Asari, expecting him to correct his boss, but the man simply peered coyly over his fan, amusement dancing in his dark orbs. "Indeed, Vongola Secondo has taken a liking to choking our enemies lately."

Everything outrageous Giotto said was only to be taken seriously once confirmed by his guardians- which was a lot of, if not all, the man said, to be honest. If Asari answered, it was to be asked twice, because he was a foreigner (there had been many incidents due to translation issues- especially on that one instance where the Alessandro capo had ended up in the middle of the King's crowning in his underpants embroidered with hearts. And no, of course the man did not do it for the laughs. The Alliance members were sure of it.) and then confirmed by G, who honestly was the lot's only competent member and as such the Vongola Alliance's One True Savior ™.

G sighed and pinched his nose, but said nothing against it.

This was bad.

The idea of a petite woman with slender fingers that clenched around throats, long nails digging into the tender skin, came to mind. The bosses shuddered.

Nevermind bad, this was catastrophic.

He had just left the meeting when Giotto remembered that he had forgotten to announce his retirement to the family itself. He was going to have to rectify that.

The family- with the exception of his guardians- burst into cheering and hoisted Rica onto their shoulders even before Giotto finished his sentence. Laughing and singing, they carried him through the mansion, ending up in the ballroom, where the maids pulled the alcoholic beverages from the stores and put platters laden with food on the tables.

Why weren't they all saying: ''Oh, Giotto! Our Beloved Boss, however shall we live without you?''

Because they weren't. Instead, they were chanting: ''ACCOUNTING, ACCOUNTING, ACCOUNTING, RICARDO, OUR HERO! THE ACCOUNTANT REIGNS! NO MORE WAGES LATE! RICARDO, RICARDO REIGNS!''

''Pfft- what do you even need accounting for?'' he huffed in his corner, crossing his arms because they had never carried him anywhere.

''Um…'' Lampo scratched his neck, ''Paying damages… and stuff?''

Giotto looked up at the shifty-eyed boy, froze and wailed. ''Couldn't you have waited with the destruction until after I'd handed the paperwork over to Rica?!''

''Not like you ever actually do your paperwork.''

Lampo was gone quick as lightning.

And no one was noticing Giotto's pity party in the corner. Damnit. They kept singing about how happy they were Rica was taking over and how they absolutely were not going to miss him at all. And okay, that last part might not have been said literally, but it was implied, and that was all that mattered.

Giotto pouted.

''FINE THEN, I'LL JUST MOVE TO JAPAN! ASARI'S PARENTS ARE NICER THAN ALL OF YOU ANYWAY! IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE IF YOU CRY NOW, I'M NEVER COMING BACK, NOT EVEN IF YOU ASK NICELY!''

…

In his defense, it had sounded better in his head.

Ever since he woke up, Ricardo had a nagging feeling at the back of his mind. This was not an unfamiliar sensation. Because today he would be introduced to the Vongola Alliance as Giotto's heir. That meant Giotto would be there, and Ricardo's hyper intuition always screamed when his cousin was involved.

But the feeling got worse as the day went on, and he began to ask himself if he shouldn't do something. Like, call G. Ah, G. Ricardo could have smooched him when he'd handed over not only legible, but also neat notes on the family affairs!

Hmm… He was on the late side- Melisande had fussed over him endlessly that morning, in the typical Sun Guardian drama manner.

He strode forward.

''So… Where is your successor?'' the Cavallone boss asked carefully after sitting in silence for at least half an hour. The others admired him. The valiance! To speak up while all the Vongola guardians were present, even He Whose Name Shall Not Be Uttered (''Wait- are we talking about the guy with the handcuff's or the one that must've escaped the asylum?'')!

''Probably still searching for the brush- all that ultimate hair!''

''Rica's so vain!'' Giotto snickered.

G snorted. ''And who's fault is that? You were the one who purchased that first hair cuff.''

Dio, just when they thought it couldn't get worse, they were going to be stuck with a vain, spoiled little girl for a leader. With dread, the Vongola Alliance members watched how the door was opened by…

A long haired man.

Or was it?!

Ricardo liked to think he was a patient man. One had to be when they had relatives like Giotto. Ricardo was patient, diplomatic and wouldn't let this get to him.

Even if they kept doubting his damn gender, even though he had shown up with carefully groomed facial hair, and a suit that showed off his tall stature and broad shoulders. How did you even get that stupid?!

Inhale, exhale, Ricardo. You can do this. Keep breathing and you'll be fine. Inhale, exha-

"Are you sure Secondo isn't a woman? His hair is glossy!"

Doubt number 876.

Ricardo snapped.

A few days later:

''As Vongola Secondo, I take my duty seriously,'' Ricardo began his speech, ''So I would like to address our expenses first.''

The other bosses didn't look up from their coffee, completely ignoring him in favor of gossiping. A smirk crept up on Ricardo's face. Destroying them was going to be fun.

He cleared his throat and began to read. ''Don Sargossa,'' the man in question raised his head, startled, ''I examined the Alliances finances, and I noticed you forgot to hand over your section our joint projects expenses since the Alliance's founding. I do hope you will do so soon, hmm,''

The bosses broke out in cold sweat. The blood had drained from Sargossa's face and others swallowed thickly.

Ricardo smiled.

''Now, I have a few more people who are paying the bills late.''

Missing funds and stupidity- in truth, it was all Ricardo needed to produce Flames of Wrath.

Lampo rested chin on top of his folded arms, staring at the waves beyond the ship's railing. '''Why are we doing this again?''

Asari inclined his head. ''Because Giotto is insufferable when he's holding a pity party and we're not leaving G alone in his suffering.''

''…You just want to have G to yourself, don't you?''

Asari's smile was serene. ''His fan club doesn't deserve him. Plus, they're too busy slaving away under dear Rica in order to pay their debt.''

''You are an evil genius, Asari, evil.''

Authors note

Dedicated to I.W.P-chan, the queen of humor and my beloved co-plotter! We both love Ricardo, and I hadn't written anything for him yet (which is a shame, because I have at least ten ideas for fics featuring him). So here's some Rica for you, I.W.P.-chan!

It was also partially inspired by her fic Revenge, in which Giotto calls Ricardo Rica. I immediately had this scenario in my head when I read it! It's an amazing fic and hilarious, so if you like KHR humor, go check it out!

The worst thing is that this could even be cannon. Because the two reasons we've heard for Giotto's departure from Italy were from Xanxus, who claimed ''It was because of Secondo's power,'' and ''He feared the new bosses' anger''. The only other who said anything on this topic was Daemon, who said Xanxus' reasons were false- Daemon was the one who forced Giotto to step down despite being one of his guardians. Now, Daemon was actually there at the time, but he's also batshit crazy, so I like to believe Xanxus was right.

The power Giotto knew not was accountancy. It was terrifying and traumatic, as the other Alliance bosses can agree.

Also- they say Xanxus was similar to Ricardo in both appearance and personality. While Xanxus temperament is not something I personally characterize Ricardo with, I believe the personality similarity is their love of accounting. Yes, my dear readers, I head cannon that our rage monster Xanxus went to university and got a degree in accountancy. He likes both killing and accounting- and accounting the money he gets from killing. It's what he and Mammon bond over. I believe!

I hope you enjoyed it, and constructive criticism is always welcome!

Edit: This has a sequel now! Life is Short (Heels Shouldn't Be)

Summary: The Varia identified as his old man's assassination squad, but Xanxus knew damn well whose accountant he was. Also, Chrome's stiletto's were comfy. Where did she buy those things? (In which Chrome and Xanxus have the same shoe size and it shows).