Full Synopsis (because 384 characters is a severe limitation):

Ruby Rose is a perfectly normal 15-year-old girl. She is, honest! Ozpin can quit drinking (coffee, yeah, totally coffee) anytime he wants. Glynda doesn't get paid enough for this. Jaune is the butt of all the cosmic jokes and Pyrrha's days are numbered. Ren's sense of humor is an eldritch abomination the likes of which would engender terror in even Salem's unfeeling heart and Nora, being Nora, may have had something to do with that. These are the only people standing between us and the Grimm?!

Oh wait, that was supposed to be a statement.

Rated T for non-graphic violence, and censored language.

Beginning Notes

I have a short break from my classes, so I decided to finally do something with this account, other than just stalk the archives. If I manage to get ahead of my assignments, I might write something more, but once classes start back up I rather doubt I'll have much time for anything else.

I suppose I should put a disclaimer here: I don't own RWBY, or any other intellectual properties that I am borrowing to write this.

Now, with that out of the way, let's talk about what you should expect from this: namely, nothing. Don't take this seriously, any of it. This is a parody. As such, the characters do not have to adhere to any characterization, and you will see them deviate a lot; both from their canon characters, which I rather doubt they were ever in from the beginning of this, as well as from the ones established for them in the course of this writing. You may see one character behave in a way that makes them seem creepy, then they will turn around and be perfectly normal. This is how things are going to be; they will not adhere to any one characterization, their character will be whatever it needs to be for the jokes at that time, so don't expect consistent behavior from anyone.

Pilot

Vale

Our story takes place in the land of Remnant. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the moon is… broken? That...might be a problem. Well, at least the wildlife… all want to kill you?! Why would anyone willingly stay here?! Oh well, you take what you can get, I suppose.

Our story begins with a group of men strolling very nonchalantly through the streets and… holy crap, his hair is fabulous! What does he use? Where do I get some of it? Look at that crowd, all parting in awe at that magnificent hair. Anyway, they stroll up to a dust store like...wait a minute, "dust store?" You mean you can sell that stuff? I have a goldmine under my bed! Oh, wait, wrong dust. Apparently, it's something different. Crap.

Anyway, mister smooth criminal struts up to this shop, and he and his thugs open the door, instead of bursting through the windows like some maniac, before walking up to the counter. The clerk doesn't see one of the thugs carrying a rather bulky handgun, but he is probably just distracted by that magnificent hair. Once at the counter, the thug holding the gun raises it and points it at the clerk.

The one in the white suit says, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dust-"

"My God, your hair is amazing, what products do you use?" interrupted the clerk.

"Just give me the Dust."

"For that hair, absolutely."

The criminal, who we find out at some point is named "Roman Torchwick", because I'm running out of ways to refer to him, gives the order, and the thugs begin collecting dust.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Why are you just standing there, you morons?"

"You told us to collect dust, sir"

"Not dust, idiots. Dust!"

"I don't understand the difference."

"One of them is capitalized."

"How are we supposed to hear that? Capitalization can only be seen."

"Just do it!"

Inside of From Dust Till Dawn

While collecting the Dust, one of the thugs spies a curious sight. There is a little girl reading a weapon magazine. Not a weapons magazine, she is staring at the metal case that slots into a gun and holds the ammunition. I don't know why, either. She is bobbing her head at an energetic pace while looking intently at the chunk of metal in her hands, and the thug's first thought is that she believed it was talking to her. He had heard stories of people like that and they made him want to stay far away from the girl, but there were a few containers of Dust near her that he had to empty. The thug mustered all the courage he could and moved cautiously toward the potential lunatic and, to his credit, eventually stopped squealing every time she moved.

Once he got close enough to see the girl's face, though, everything changed. She was wearing a pair of headphones. This, combined with the rapid head bobbing lead the thug to believe that she was listening to some pop music. Ever since he could remember this particular thug had hated pop music. He never knew why, and we never will either since he won't be around for too much longer. The fear suddenly faded, and was replaced with rage and loathing.

"Hey!"

If the girl heard, she didn't show it.

"I said, 'Hey'!"

Again, no response.

The thug pulled the headphones off her head while grumbling about teenagers.

"Stupid teens and their happy-peppy pop songs about rainbows and unicorns and spa-"

"Cahf ah nafl mglw'nafh hh' ahor syha'h ah'legeth, ng llll or'azath syha'hnahh n'ghftephai n'gha ahornah ah'mglw'nafh," came the voice from the headphones.

There may have been a conversation after that, but Roman's hair calls to me, so I must go.

Inside of From Dust Till Dawn

The camera man was too distracted by Roman's hair to look at anything else, so while everything was going on he stayed in one of the aisles, filming Roman rather than doing something helpful, like calling the local law enforcement. As it happens, the camera man was perfectly positioned to see the thug who had removed Ruby's headphones get punted into a display. The display was destroyed and the items on it were damaged. Another thug, seeing his compatriot go flying, went to find the source of the disturbance, and saw Ruby.

"Hey, are you all right, kid?" asked Thug #2 "I just saw one of my allies get knocked into a display, there might be something dangerous around-"

Thug #2's concern for the wellbeing of children was rewarded with a swift kick through a window, doing yet more property damage. Ruby followed this up by jumping out of the window, and landing on Thug #2's stomach, potentially irreparably damaging his internal organs. Are we sure that she's the good guy?

The guy sitting under that glorious hair... err, Roman saw the commotion, and ordered his thugs to commence an attack on her. After walking out the door, and closing it behind them like sensible people, the thugs saw Ruby unfolding her massive scythe, and huddled up.

"That's got to be a huntress. We learned about them at Generic Thug Academy."

"We need to get out of here; those people are insane. Not in a good way either, like actual nutjobs who run around destroying things for fun."

"I heard one of them burned a town to the ground to kill a spider."

"Yeah, but there was a spider, so that's okay…"

"You think if we surrender, she'll let us live?"

"Does that answer your question?" one of the thugs said, while gesturing to Ruby, who was twirling her scythe like a giant fan of death and shouting,

"Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

"Be a grunt, my mother said. See the world, she said."

Ruby charged.

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Outside of From Dust Til Dawn

After robbing the Dust shop, Roman walked out to find Red ruthlessly stomping his Grunts'R'Us thugs. Ever time they tried to run away, she used what he assumed was her semblance to speed up the spinning of her scythe until it looked like a giant fan and sounded like a chainsaw. It actually began sucking the grunts in, despite their frantic retreat.

"You were worth every cent. Truly you were." He said to the heap of groaning bodies on the ground.

Red just stared, unblinking, at him.

"…"

"…"

"Aren't you going to do something?"

"What's a 'cent'?"

"A 'cent'? Are you that dense, girl? A cent is a…"

"…"

"Wait a minute... What is a cent? The context of my statement would imply that it's some kind of currency, but the only currency used in Remnant is Li-"

He was interrupted by a boot to the face.

"Don't care anymore, fight now," said Red.

"I need to get away, now." thought Roman. He pointed his cane at the ground by her feet and pulled the trigger, praying to who or whatever would listen that it wouldn't misfire

*click*

*click*

*click*

Of course, nothing could ever go his way. Fortunately, Red seemed content to sit there while he attempted to fire at her feet.

"Not very intelligent, is she?" he thought.

*click*

*click*

*click*

Eventually, he managed to get his cane to fire, and the shot exploded beneath the her feet, spraying smoke and debris everywhere. In the chaos of the explosion, Roman ran to a nearby fire escape to take to the rooftops.

*BOOM*

*BOOM*

*BOOM*

Several louder explosions followed his shot, and he realized that the girl was following him. He looked back, and saw her flying through the air, using the recoil from shooting her scythe- Wait, what? It's a gun?! How does that even work? I know Roman's cane was a gun, but at least that's somewhat plausible. …Anyway, she used the recoil to propel herself through the air.

"Is she insane? She's shooting at people!" thought Roman. He looked down to where she came from, and saw a destroyed lamp post (which just happened to be Ozpin's favorite lamp post), and a man on the ground, holding his knee. The chase continued with much property damage, until they finally arrived on a rooftop.

"Persistent, aren't you."

Suddenly a bullhead rose from the alley below the rooftop, and Roman jumped onto it. Wait, what?

"I guess this is where we part ways, Red."

"Whoa! Cool! How did you teach that fish to fly?"

"…What?"

"How did you teach that fish to fly?" Ruby asked again "I've got a whole tank of them at home, but I can't figure out how to make them fly. They usually just hit a tree when I throw them."

…

…

Wait. Okay, I get it now. It's not the fish, it's some sort of airship. Forget that ever happened.

"I guess this is where we part ways, Red." Roman throws a crystal that he got from…somewhere onto the ground by Ruby's feet, and fires a shot from his cane. Meanwhile Ruby isn't moving at all. Seriously, she's just standing there. It isn't like it takes a tremendous amount of effort to sidestep. Or maybe she could just kick the crystal away, but no, she just stands there.

Fortunately for our heroine, someone drops down just in time to shield Ruby from the explosion. Or at least, someone tried to. As it happens though, Glyn- err, mysterious huntress lady landed about three feet away from Ruby, while the crystal had landed right beneath Ruby's feet.

"Oops," said mysterious huntress lady with no remorse whatsoever. Then she summoned a magic circle.

"In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight- Wait, that's the wrong one. Okay, here we go, Wingardium Levio- no, that's not it either… Persona? Oh, screw this. Magic Missile!"

Purple projectiles sprayed from the magic circle, and impacted the ship. After the first barrage of magic, the mysterious huntress lady summoned magic clouds.

"We have a huntress," said Roman, who ran back inside the bullhead.

"Blizzaga!" yelled the mysterious huntress lady, and ice shards rained down on the ship.

The equally mysterious red-dress lady relinquished the controls to Roman, and walked to the door. Her left hand flashed, and suddenly it was on fire.

"Oh, God, Roman, my hands are on fire! Help!"

"Did you forget to wear gloves again, Cinder?"

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" shouted the now named Cinder, who was running frantically around the ship while shaking her hands.

Cinder's furious handshaking eventually caused the fire to spray out at Ruby and the huntress. And also the rest of the rooftop, every nearby open window, and a trick candle factory.

"Okay, it's out now, let's get back to the base," said Cinder, and Roman steered the bullhead away from the impending disaster.

'They're getting awa-"

*BOOM*

Mysterious huntress lady was interrupted by a gunshot from behind her; and she saw one of the engines on the bullhead explode. Roman and Cinder bailed out, because plot convenience, and flew away on jetpacks, because jetpacks. The bullhead, which was now beeping erratically and descending rapidly, crashed into a nearby building and exploded.

Interrogation Room

A light turns on and we see Ruby sitting at a table with mysterious huntress lady pacing around the room. There is a window and a door on one wall, but the rest is too dark to see.

"You're in a great deal of trouble miss, do you have any idea how much damage you did?"

"You were shooting at that airship, too. Are you saying you weren't trying to knock it down?"

Suddenly the door burst open and in walked a man with a giant thermos and a plate of cookies. He set the cookies down and Ruby immediately began eating them. A relatively laid-back air permeated the room while Ruby was chowing down, and she paused long enough for a comment.

"Just like mother used to make," Ruby said, and resumed eating the cookies.

"Glynda made those cookies," said the mysterious man, because I'm tired of writing "mysterious huntress lady".

"Headmaster, how did you get the police to let us use the interrogation room?" asked Glynda.

"Is that where we are?" the now titled headmaster asked, "I guess we'd better do this quickly, before anyone finds out."

Introductions were made and Ozpin remarked about Ruby's eyes. Then suddenly, the laid-back air disappeared and the tension that replaced it was so strong that it actually stopped Ruby from eating the cookies. She found the look in Ozpin's eyes to be scary, as if he was boring into her very soul.

Ozpin turned gestured to Glynda, who raised an iPa...er, a scroll with a video waiting to start.

"Where did you learn to do this?" asked Ozpin.

The video on the scroll showed Ruby eviscerating the grunts, then they stop for a minute to stare in awe at Roman's hair, Ruby destroying various parts of the street she was on, she could have sworn that she saw a tear fall from Ozpin's eyes at the part where she shot the lamp post, and finally, Ruby shooting down a bullhead. Ozpin dropped a folder on the table in front of Ruby.

"Do you have any idea what was on that bullhead you blew up?" asked Ozpin.

"Stolen dust?" responded Ruby, confused.

"Wrong," said Ozpin with an intense look in his eyes, "Look at this shipping manifest."

"But this isn't-"

"Look at it!"

"…" Ruby looked at the papers in the folder.

"That bullhead was full of injured, orphan puppies, and you shot it down."

"Sir, I don't see any-"

"Do you know where it crashed, Miss Rose?"

"No, but this isn't a-"

"It crashed into a hospital," said Ozpin, "for injured, orphan puppies."

"Well, at least they were where they needed to-"

"Then it exploded."

"Oh, oops."

"That explosion ignited four fuel stations."

"But-"

"Then those fuel stations blew up two more injured, orphan puppy hospitals."

"…"

"Each."

At this point, Ruby was beginning to tire of getting interrupted.

"Well, why were there so many hospitals so close to fuel stations? Who even uses combustible fuel? Everything is powered by Dust, isn't it?"

Ruby's sudden hostility shocked Ozpin into silence.

"And another thing, this isn't a manifest. It looks like a drawing made by a particularly dull five-year-old."

Ozpin recoiled at that, and Glynda moved in to intervene.

"Miss Rose, the headmaster worked very hard on that," said Glynda, "you apologize this instant."

It's true, he did work very hard on it. In fact, he worked so hard on it, that he forgot to pour the coffee into his twelve-liter thermos of Irish Coffee that morning. After a few minutes of Ozpin wailing about Ruby being a "dumbhead", Glynda gave him his thermos, and he eventually forgot what he was upset about and calmed down.

"Let's go over this again, Miss Rose. You critically injured 3 men, condemned another to the fate of being a town guard, set a rooftop, several houses, and a trick candle factory on fire-"

"Hey, that wasn't me!"

"-destroyed my favorite lamp post, wrecked a Dust shop, shot down a bullhead full of injured, orphan puppies, blew up four fuel stations and nine injured, orphan puppy hospitals, and stole a pair of headphones. Why should I let you into Beacon?"

Wait, who said anything about letting her into Beacon? That's a terrible idea.

"Wanna see how a dinosaur eats cookies?"

*Crunch*

*Crunch*

*Crunch*

"…You're in."

Outside of Interrogation Room

Ozpin and Glynda are standing outside of the interrogation room, with Ozpin munching lightly on one of the cookies.

"You should have seen it, Glynda, she's just as skilled as her mother was at that age, if not more."

"Be that as it may, headmaster-"

"I've never seen such an accurate impression of a dinosaur eating cookies, I could see an actual dinosaur eating cookies now, and think that it's fake."

"…I don't get paid enough for this s**t."

"What's in these cookies anyway, Glynda?"

"Mercury."

Ozpin spit the cookie out.

"No wonder he needed prosthetics."

"What?"

"Wait, does that make this...Soylent Black? IT'S PEOPLE!"

Ozpin scrambled toward the door of the building they were in, but Glynda shut it with her magic.

"Not the person, headmaster, the element."

"Oh, that's…not much better."

CHAPTER END

END NOTES

Yes, those are injured, orphan puppy hospitals. They do not accept animals that don't satisfy all three requirements. They will not accept injured puppies if they are not orphans, they will not accept orphan puppies if they are not injured, and they will not accept non-puppies at all. Dog faunus children are murky territory, requiring approval from hospital executives on an individual basis, but must still satisfy the first two requirements. No puppies (injured, orphan, or injured and orphan) were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. They all got taken to Atlas instead (and that's not a euphemism for "a better place"), and the hospitals were empty when they exploded.

The views and opinions expressed in this fanfiction do not represent my own; these characters were dramatized for the purpose of making people laugh. I don't have an unhealthy fixation with Roman's hair. I don't know if Cinder has a definite base of operations, or, if she does, where it is, but there needed to be one for the joke so there was one.

With respect to update frequency, I've recently started classes and they've given me little time to do more than breathe. I have no idea how often I will be able to post anything, or how long this story will go on before I put it out of its misery. I don't pre-write anything, because that would require knowing where it is going, and if I knew where it was going, then I would lose all inclination to write it.

I think that covers everything.

*DELETED SCENE*

Ultimately, I decided to remove this one from the main body of the story, because I wasn't sure how many people would be offended by a joke about Roman's sexuality. Sexuality seems to be an incredibly touchy subject in the U.S., so some might find this more offensive than funny. It's still included here as a deleted scene, though, in case anyone wants to read it. By electing to read this despite knowing what it contains, however, you are waiving your right to be offended at the content therein, even if you don't read this bold print saying so.

On The Bullhead

Roman was flying the bullhead back to their base of operations when he suddenly remembered something.

"You think you're funny, Cinder?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, Roman."

"I asked you to procure an identity for me and schedule a visit to Vale, so that I could acquire the Dust inconspicuously."

"Yes."

"What part of this seems inconspicuous to you?" Roman asked, showing a certificate with his photograph in it. "When I tried to get into Vale this morning, the customs officers were laughing the entire time they were checking me in."

*Flashback*

Roman, piloting a bullhead, approached the checkpoint to enter Vale. There he saw a customs officer checking people in.

"Welcome to Vale, what brings you here today?" said the officer.

"I'm here on some business." replied Roman

"Alright, I'll just look you up," said the officer, turning to his terminal, "what are you carrying?"

"Ah… um…"

"Ah, here we are, one order for entry of a bullhead containing a load of injured, orphan puppies bound for one of Vale's nine injured, orphan puppy hospitals"

"Yes, that's it, exactly." I can't believe Cinder actually did something I asked her to.

"Alright, I'm printing a certificate now, have a good day Mr…Oh"

"What? What's wrong?"

"That's unfortunate."

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Have a good day," the officer snickered "… Mr. Blowman Torchlick."

Roman's eyes shot wide open as he took the certificate. Cinder…

*End Flashback*

"You scheduled my appointment under the name 'Blowman Torchlick', Cinder?"

Cinder exploded into laughter.

"I don't need you to make me look gay."

"I'll say."

Roman turned away, grumbling. The rest of the flight was conducted in silence, save for his grumbling. Once they landed, however, he spoke up again.

"How did you convince Vale's customs officials that 'Blowman Torchlick' was a real name?"

"I didn't. I never even set up an appointment for you to enter Vale."

"But you said-"

"I agreed that you asked me to, yes, but I never said that I did. And I would advise that the next time you go to speak to me that way, you reconsider. Now run along, I believe that you have some torches to lick." Cinder snickered.

"...Then who set the appointment up? Vale's customs office doesn't let people in for business without verifying the party by image, so someone had to have set the appointment up using my picture."

"Don't know, don't care."

"You don't seriously expect me to believe that there is someone out there who looks exactly like me, but is named 'Blowman Torchlick', do you?"

A Bar Somewhere In Atlas

Roman, or someone who looks exactly like him is sitting in a pub, drinking. The bartender approaches him to speak.

"What happened, B?" asks the bartender.

"Those idiots at Vale's customs office wouldn't let me in."

"Why not?"

"They said someone had already taken my appointment, and that I must be an impostor."

"Seriously? What are the odds of someone else having such an unfortunate name? Well, what happened to the puppies?"

"I took them to a hospital here, in Atlas."

See, no puppies were harmed.