Vidar- Norway
Gunner- Denmark
...
I don't know why I would write such a thing. I guess planning a pure, fluffy multichapter SuFin made my brain crave angst and fucked up shit. It seems I have gone beyond plain angst though, and created the worst thing possible for such a sweet pairing. I hate myself and am so, so sorry for bringing this into the world. I actually saw a post on the topic in the pairing tag on tumblr and the idea wouldn't leave my mind.
Disclaimer: I do not think any character featured in the story would ever be abusive. I do not think the pairing is abusive either. I just wanted to explore a 'what if' and delve into the psychology of how Berwald would act or think in such a scenario. It was a creative exercise to see if I could get into such a character's mindset, not a reflection of how I think their relationship would go.
Given the subject matter, I would advise proceeding with extreme caution.
...
This was his happily ever after.
It was the picture Berwald had painted in his teenage mind, come to life as nothing less than he could've imagined. It was better than his childish wishes, as he said his vows in front of everyone he held dear, and the one man he would devote the rest of his life to.
Tino looked beautiful- he always did, suit clean and white with a begonia in his lapel. A garland of the things was perched on his head, worn with a laugh. Berwald had one too, red ribbons trailing down his back. Tino's beaming smile was radiant as tears welled up in both their eyes. Berwald was not much of a crier, but everything was right and beautiful and the man before him had agreed to marry him.
Tino wanted a wedding outside, in spring with lots of flowers, and Berwald agreed enthusiastically. Perhaps things had been a bit too soon for his liking, after a whirlwind romance, but what did it matter? He was destined to marry Tino so why wait? At least now they could spend the rest of their lives together.
He remembered the day well: his mother in tears as she congratulated him; the smell of rich soil and fresh flowers; fiddle music of all things; and Tino. His sweet, incredible Tino.
...
He was exhausted by the time they'd flopped into bed, in their underwear with no energy for messing about finding pyjamas, the hotel sheets cool against Berwald's skin. Tino was silent. He seemed to be seething. Had he done something wrong during the ceremony? The reception?
Things quickly grew awkward, even for Berwald's liking, and he decided to break the tension with a joke. That was usually Tino's 'job' but tonight, as his new husband, Berwald would shoulder the burden.
He can't even remember what joke he made- something about them being husband and wife- but Tino didn't find it funny. He didn't humour Berwald, didn't accept the ice breaker for what it was. Instead, he just rolled over and turned off the lamp.
Berwald still wasn't sure what he had done in the first place.
...
Berwald knew how lucky he was to have Tino.
He knew no one else could see through the exteriors he put up, break them down and see the person within. He knew no one would bother to look past his stormy face and almost zero communication skills. He knew no one but Tino would be willing to love the mess of a man that he was but what he didn't know was how much it would hurt to hear those words from Tino's own lips.
He tried to think nothing of it- Tino clearly hadn't meant it. He was overreacting, even if he never said anything.
...
Tino wasn't talking to him. He did that sometimes, and Berwald could never figure out why. Something he said. Maybe this time it was something else entirely. He hated it though, breaking his promise to be the best husband, and his mind racked for ways to make it up to him.
Sometimes he got jealous of Berwald and Vidar's relationship, or the teasing between him and Gunner. Tino had explained he felt left out when Berwald spent time with his friends, like some fifth wheel not allowed in with their inside jokes and stories.
Could he help it though? Berwald had known these men all his life. Even though Tino would sometimes shun him, give him a shoulder so cold no amount of grovelling could thaw it.
Did Tino think he would cheat? How could that even be possible? Berwald wanted nothing else in life but Tino, and lived his life to make him happy.
...
When Berwald needed to think, he retreated into his little workshop, building and sanding as his mind wandered. When Tino wanted to apologise, that was where he usually found the man, sawing away through hurt he didn't want to acknowledge.
Tino would pad across the room, nose to his ear then a kiss to his neck, sometimes with flowers if Berwald let his hurt show. He'd gush about how sorry he was, how he forgot how sensitive Berwald could get about certain topics.
Berwald always forgave him though.
...
Berwald wanted to sell his creations. Tino wasn't so sure.
He didn't want to see Berwald disappointed if- when- he failed. He hated seeing Berwald upset and couldn't bear the thought of him not succeeding.
Berwald said he might try anyway, because he'd be kicking himself if he didn't go for it.
Tino walked away without another word.
...
Next time they met up with Vidar and Gunner, Tino let something about their personal life slip, a little comment that left Berwald red and squirming and Tino acting like nothing was wrong- and the others more than a little uncomfortable, wishing they were somewhere else. When Tino's hand wandered a little too far, Berwald wished he was somewhere else too.
...
Berwald spared his new friend another glance, smiling at the shiny black eyes and soft fur. Jonas. That would be his name. The teddy bear gave silent approval at that. Then he was back working on his footstool, hunched in his little workshop and in no mood to see anyone.
At least something good had come from last night. Well, there was the fact that Tino was on his best behaviour too, an absolutely angel. He made Berwald breakfast in bed, begging forgiveness and assuring him it was an isolated event. He was drunk. He would never do such a thing in his right mind.
Berwald believed him.
His cheek still stung from the slap, his nose still burned from the pungent scent of strong spirits coming from Tino's mouth, screaming in his ear.
Why did he even need to nag? Tino could come and go as he pleased. Berwald just needed to be more careful, understanding. What Tino did was none of his business and he shouldn't have been so demanding. It didn't even hurt that much so why make a fuss?
At least these problems had come to their- admittedly ugly- conclusion. Everything was more or less in the open now. Tino knew his behaviour had become worrying, was doing his best to make up for it and wouldn't do such a thing again.
...
It didn't stop.
...
During the first year of their marriage, violence was rare. It was a handful of isolated events when Berwald wasn't careful and managed to push Tino over the edge. But between them were some of the best moments in their relationship, like how they'd been before they were married. Tino smiled for him, loved him, cared for him like he was the most precious being on the planet.
Berwald cherished these glimpses of the old Tino, as much as the fear that it would end lingered, a bony finger tracing ghost touches down his spine.
Two years in and incidents could be weekly.
Berwald didn't go out. Vidar and Gunner called, but he didn't want them to worry. They'd see his face and get the wrong impression. Even though Tino tended to go for the arms and back, Berwald could see ghosts of black eyes that would raise questions. They didn't need to pry. The two really did like knowing all about his personal life like it was their business; no wonder Tino thought he was sleeping with them both.
...
Berwald had long since stopped turning up for work. He might have been fired. Did it matter? He began to fear the outside world, the thought of people seeing him and prying, fearing his ugly form. He ignored Gunner and Vidar's texts.
Tino loved coming home to a husband though, showering him with hugs and kisses after wandering into his workshop. It was supposed to be his private space- they'd agreed to that when Tino moved in- but he supposed his husband was allowed in too.
Sometimes he stopped showering- who did he have to impress? He was a happily married man, not that he could convince another person to love him.
...
He was avoiding Tino too now.
No wonder their marriage was in shambles- all he did was hide in his workshop all day, too scared to lock the door but terrified of leaving it open and himself exposed, working on projects he could- fittingly- never quite get right. He really ought to try harder to make things work. At the very least, he owed it to his younger self to fix their happy ending, work for the life he wanted instead of sitting back and expecting Tino to be perfect for him. That wasn't how life or marriage worked.
He needed to make up for his behaviour.
...
When Tino wanted to say he was sorry, he'd cook a romantic dinner for them, so Berwald thought he would try that.
Did he really never try that before? He probably did, but it was so long ago now.
Tino was delighted when he came in and saw the candles and meal, laid out neatly on their little table for two. He kissed Berwald and laughed and marvelled at the effort.
Berwald allowed himself a smile; their marriage would be fine.
...
When the meal ended and the candles burnt to stubs, Tino leaned forward- smile gone- and asked who Berwald was cheating on him with.
He didn't understand. Berwald would never cheat- how could he when he looked like a mess and never left the house? Tino didn't believe him though. Was it Vidar? Gunner? Both of them? Berwald disgusted him- after everything Tino had given him, given up for him.
Maybe Berwald had tried another round of protesting, he could never remember. He only had vague memories of being thrown to the floor, Tino squeezing his throat and slamming his head against the floorboards.
He passed out at some point, and when he awoke he was alone, still sprawled on the dining room floor from last night and unable to talk.
...
Just his luck. Gunner was worried and wanted to talk.
Tino was at work, but Berwald still hesitated letting him in. Had he really not seen Gunner in six months? Time sure did fly, huh?
He was used to demanding, and giving in to anything another wanted, but he couldn't tell Gunner where the bruises on his neck had come from. It wasn't his business. If he was going to pry then he could just leave. But Gunner was worried, Vidar too apparently, that there was something going on and was Tino alright?
Tino was fine.
Berwald, on the other hand, wasn't too good at being a proper husband.
The state he was in was 'horrifying', apparently. Ever the blunt one, Gunner.
Then Gunner dropped the bombshell, done with beating around the bush.
Berwald, you have to leave him.
He didn't even get a chance to scoff before hearing keys in the door and Tino bound in with a smile and flowers. The man reeled at the sight of Gunner, but a sweet smile soon creeped onto his face. He talked to his friend like nothing was wrong, and Gunner didn't attempt to confront him. Sharp blue eyes never left Tino's face for long though.
When Tino reached a hand up to Berwald's face, he flinched. He was ruining the mood- Tino hated it when he flinched, it really offended him. But Tino just caressed his cheek like'd he'd done long ago.
...
The punch came the moment Gunner left though.
Berwald had expected it, but he was still terrified. Especially when the second one came and Tino didn't stop until Berwald was on the floor, cowering and covering his face and hating himself.
So he was sleeping with Gunner. Why did he lie? What sort of pig did Tino have for a husband? How could he do this?
Berwald didn't even notice when Tino stormed out of the house, not noticing a lot beyond his broken ribs.
...
When Tino came home, he was steaming drunk.
Berwald pretended to be asleep, lying near-lifeless in the bed like he did when he didn't want to talk. How manipulative. Why wouldn't he… why would he want to talk to his husband?
A small, sly voice asked him how long he could keep pretending.
Tino didn't seem interested in whether or not he was really asleep, crawling into bed and sliding a hand up his thigh. Berwald tensed. When Tino played with the elastic of his pyjama bottoms, he tried to push him away.
Babe, come on.
Berwald couldn't wiggle away with his ribs, so settled for a scared whine.
Come on. You love me, don't you?
For the first time since he'd known Tino, he couldn't quite answer that.
...
Even long after Tino had left for work, Berwald couldn't bring himself to pull himself out of his ragdoll state. He'd just let him. He could never refuse Tino. It was fine though, all he needed to do was lie back and relax. It was fine. He'd wanted to scream through the pain in his ribs and dull ache all over, but resisted.
He didn't acknowledge the tears at first- he'd not cried since his wedding- but they still came to keep him company. He wasn't quite sure what to do about it, so let them fall.
Berwald knew why they came though.
Tino didn't love him. And, if he was honest, he wasn't sure if he loved Tino anymore.