"Keptin," a Russian accent began from the helm, "Vhere should ve be going? Ve are just…" he gestured hands around aimlessly, "Flying with no course!"

Captain Kirk shrugged in his seat and then realised he wasn't a rebellious lazy teenager anymore. At least, he tried not to be. He sat up straighter.
"I think my crew deserve a break," he announced, smirking and looking around at his confused bridge officers. "There doesn't need to be a course heading unless we get a hail or distress call. Just go wherever you want."
That didn't sound very Captain-like, he thought.
They'll like me better if I give them a break.

Minutes later, said helm staff were quietly muttering amongst themselves, giving quick glances to Kirk and looking away. Jim squirmed.

"What's the joke?" he asked, shifting himself onto the chair arm-rest.

Sulu turned back and waved him off.
"Nothing Captain, Chekov and I were just talking."

Kirk inhaled. They were obviously lying.
"But you two were staring at me." He recalled, attempting to bore angry eyes into the men. They turned back to face the screen and didn't answer.

Kirk huffed, standing up and walking over to Spock, who was ridiculously posture-straight as ever. To his surprise, even the Vulcan appeared to be trying to block Kirk's view of the scanners.
"Let me see," he muttered, gently pushing him aside and peering into the device. Spock tensed up and watched him cautiously. Chekov and Sulu peered over to look at him also.

"What's everyone looking at?" Uhura asked from her station.
Seconds later, Kirk looked up from the scanner and stared motionless at the wall.

"Tarsus IV" he whispered under his breath.

"Huh?" Uhura didn't hear his whispering. Spock saw Kirk tense up.

"Tarsus IV, Lieutenant." he answered instead.
Kirk let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and straightened his posture again.
That was years ago, stop being such a child, he told himself.
Besides, there's no-one there now. Well, apart from the people who are…
He tensed up at the thought, suddenly noticing that he couldn't call on his energy to move, not even seeing Spock hooking his arm under Jim's from the scanner's panel and marched him back over to his beloved Captain's chair.

"Continue in current direction, warp factor 4 for precisely 10 seconds, then revert back to 0.5, Mister Sulu" Spock ordered him. He wasn't sure if he had the right to order the ship around, but he decided that it was for the Captain's benefit, so it would be an exception. Spock thought that the planet's history had scared the Captain for some reason.
Perhaps it would be best if he was given time to get used to being near it.

Kirk sucked in a breath and made a valid effort to calm himself down.
Don't think about it, don't think about it and you'll be fine.
That's all over now.
He looked down at his hands, which were notably shaking. Unfortunately for him, it had caught Spock's eye too.

"Captain, perhaps it would be beneficial to visit Doctor McCoy?"

Kirk stifled a laugh. There was no way he was going anywhere near that sickbay. Besides, that sickbay reminded him of what they did on… that planet.
"It's fine Spock, it was stupid of me to look when you guys were obviously trying to avoid letting me see."

Spock intertwined his hands behind his back.
"I strongly recommend that you visit him, as I believe he will be able to relieve you of your anxiety."

Kirk squinted, then turned his chair to face Spock, who was standing tall next to him.
"Spock," he started, licking his dry lips, "I'll be fine, give me time. I don't want to pay Bones a visit every time I get a little nervous. Okay?" He swung his chair back around. "Drop the subject, and that's an order."

The Vulcan seemed hesitant, but answered with a slight nod anyway. "Very well," he said, returning to his station.

Jim sat and thought about his time on Tarsus. He couldn't help himself. No matter how much he tried to focus on something else, his mind wandered back to Tarsus.

He remembers a specific moment when he had watched a friend he was protecting, receive a stab to the chest after she had left their hiding space. She had begged him to promise he would save the children.

Jim promised. They all died anyway.

All of them.

He could have done more.

I could have saved more people, he thought.

I remember the children who screamed my name as they were taken hostage and experimented on.

I did nothing to save them.

Jim remembered how he was experimented on.

Flashbacks of being tied down in a medical facility took over his mind.

They tortured me until I'd give them answers.

I never gave them answers.

So they bound me down tighter and forced my screams as they cut my body.

Starved me of food.

Injected things into me. Operated while I was awake. Dissected my legs so I couldn't escape.

Jim was thrown back into reality with a gasp. Spock was kneeling in front of him, his hands on Jim's face, trying to make him focus.

Tarsus was creeping on his mind again.

Screams. Death. Torture. Starvation. Dissection.
Jim couldn't stop a whimper escaping his lips.

Spock noticed the stress lines forming on Jim's face- his eyes were screwed shut, body shuddering, which were signs of a human close to shock. His hand was hovering over the comm.

"Spock," Kirk managed to hiss. Spock looked up at him. "Go back to your station. All of you. Stop staring at me. Make that an order!"
Wordlessly, the Vulcan turned and sat back at his desk.

Kirk hated being watched.

Approximately 10 minutes later, Jim felt his stomach heave.
Starvation. Tarsus. His body told him. He shook his head.
Crew must also be hungry, he thought.

"Okay, go find yourselves something to eat in the mess hall, you got 30 minutes." he announced in his most formal tone of voice.

Everyone except Kirk and Spock stood up to leave.

"What do you think's going on with the Captain?" Sulu was asking Chekov and Uhura, the three walking down to the mess hall together. Chekov shrugged.

"He deed not like ze planet we passed. Eet vas Tarzuz no?"

"If he does, he's going to have a hard time considering we've been ordered to go there." Uhura informed him.

Half an hour later, the bridge crew started swarming in again, returning to their stations.

Kirk and Spock had sat in complete silence.

Right, Kirk thought, rubbing the back of his neck.

Back to normal, moron. He told himself.

Jim looked back up at the screen, leaning into his chair.

Don't fuck up again.

For a split second, Jim's swore his vision went black. He blinked a couple of times.

Huh.

He shrugged it off.

"Hello, James."

Kirk froze.

No.

Oh god no.

Oh god please no.

His eyes were fixed at the now empty viewing screen, his breath was hitched in his throat, stomach gurgling, threatening to spill its contents.

Spock. Spock. I need Spock.

How.

I can't. I can't move.

Can't breathe.

Jim's eyes darted desperately around the bridge, which soon set on the side of his chair.
He could send a message to Spock.
That way no one could know.

Jim frantically slammed his sweaty hands over the chair controls, with one thought hammering at his mind.

Death. Death. Death. Death.
He typed quickly into the device.
help

Jim exhaled shakily.
He looked up to Spock, who had been alerted immediately. His head bent down to decode the message.
Moments later, Spock's chair spun round to face the Captain, signs of alarm in his facial features.
At the same time, the nightmare came back to punish him.

"You won't feel the stomach dissection."

Kirk shot up out of his seat and vomited all over the bridge floor.
Kodos was here. Kodos was here.
He let out a scared whine at fell backwards into the floor, his head hitting the chair seat.
Spock uncharacteristically lunged to his side, kneeling down once again.

His hand hit the comm.

"Spock to Doctor McCoy. The Captain is in deep distress."

The Vulcan gripped firm hands around Jim's arms in attempt to ground him.

"McCoy here, what's the idiot done now?"
Spock immediately let go of an arm to answer the comm.

"I believe he is having a panic attack. Please hurry."

"Bring him to the sickbay so I can sedate him."

Spock hastily shut off the comm link and hauled Kirk upwards into his feet, and without much effort, over his shoulder.
The younger man groaned in protest, and then proceeded to vomit over his shoulder and onto the floor.
Spock picked up his pace, entering the turbolift.

As they entered, Jim began hitting Spock frantically to put him down.
Seeing as this meant the Captain could be strong enough to walk, Spock gently lowered him to his feet.

"We are going to sickbay, Jim." The Vulcan informed him cooly. At that, Kirk instantly collapsed into a bundle on the floor.

"No" he breathed, staring up at Spock with wild eyes.

"Jim, you are not performing at peak performance, therefore it is vital that we-"

"No, don't let them take me."
Spock merely glares at the younger man as the lift doors open.

McCoy was visible from down the corridor- he was waiting outside sickbay for them.

As Spock hauled Jim over his shoulder again, the younger man began kicking and screaming to be put down; hyperventilating and forcing out choked sobs, mainly consisting of "please don't make me go."

Jim was terrified. He didn't want to be experimented on again. All that pain, it was as if it was no stranger to him at all.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Jim screamed, thrashing and kicking at the stronger body who held him. His captive remained wordless.

"Let me go, please please please" he begged, feeling the life drain out of him as he struggled to suck in air. He pushed against the Vulcan who was wordlessly storming down the corridor.

McCoy saw the situation and ran up to meet them, all three of them now heading to sickbay.

"What happened Jim?" Bones asked, running a medical tricorder down him.

"Fuck off! Let me go! I fucking hate you!"

McCoy was taken aback by his friend's sudden outburst, feeling like he'd been kicked in the stomach.

"He is highly delusional, Doctor." Spock informed him.

McCoy nodded in acknowledgement, ushering them over to a private room at the back, usually where Kirk had all his examinations.

"Put him on the bed, try to hold him down while I give him a sedative" McCoy demanded, walking past the door hissing shut and reaching for the row of Jim-compatible sedatives, hearing the same man scream and cry in the background.

Spock held him down firmly at the shoulders while he struggled under his grip.

"Jim." The Vulcan tried to hush the man in whispers. Kirk inhaled sharply, and stared at the older man who was now approaching him with a hypospray- he was going to be knocked out and tortured.

McCoy took another slow step forward at the man's cautious watching eye.

"No gasp No gasp No gasp No-"

"It's alright Jimbo, I promise this is just something to help you calm down."

Jim continued to watch him while taking shuddering breathes, but the minute McCoy put a hand on his shoulder, Jim seized up so hard that the doctor's hand was jolted off.
At this success, Jim continued jolting and shaking with the power vested in him, to make the doctor back away.

"Jim, please let me do this, it's not going to hurt I swear." McCoy's eyes were gentle. But Jim wasn't fooled.

"Go away." he muttered, then glancing up at Spock. The Vulcan didn't budge, making eye contact with McCoy, who walked up behind him.

"Can't you do that neck thing of yours?" he whispered to the stoic-faced man.

He shook his head.

"I cannot, for he is not posing a threat to another person."

McCoy rubbed his face in his hand and sighed.

"Alright, stay where you are, I'm gonna try see how he reacts with a mask instead."
The doctor set off to the other side of the room to find the equipment needed, while Spock looked down at his Captain, his friend; who was crying, being restrained onto a bed.

"Jim," he looked over the fragile form of the man. "Perhaps you will allow me to initiate a Vulcan mind-meld."

Jim looked up at him confused. And then looked scared again.

"You-you want to alter my memory?"

Spock shook his head.

"No Jim, it will allow me to illicit a sense of calm, in order to aid your ailment."

Jim stared up at him.

And then noticed something.

The grip on him had been eased.

Not even a second later, Jim yanked himself away from Spock, falling off the bed, and knocking over a tray of torture instruments next to him. He grabbed a scalpel that had fallen to the floor, and protectively waved it around in Spock's direction.

"Don't come near me you pointy eared freak, or I'll stab your guts with this!"

Spock froze to the spot, with McCoy sauntering back just on time. He threw the equipment he was holding to the side.

"Grab his arms, I'll grab his legs."

Jim tensed.

"No. Go away, go awa-" The scalpel was knocked out of his hand by McCoy, and was soon being manhandled to the floor so he was able to be picked up.

"NO!" he screamed in frustration, attempting to kick at the captives but his attempts were futile.

"Stop it, stop it please!" And before he could stop himself, threw up again, only this time started choking; the bile building up and clogging his throat.
Jim stared wide eyed at McCoy, who put on his best doctor face and pulled him to the bed quicker.

"Spock, get him on the bed. And Chapel in here, I think Jim's choking on his vomit."

Spock rushed out the room in the most Vulcan way possible, leaving McCoy to maneuver Jim onto his side, rubbing circles into his back to help sooth him as he continued to vomit and shake.
Jim let out a whimper, and McCoy didn't miss the single hot tear that fell from his friend's eye.

"You're going to be okay." he said firmly, gently placing the back of his hand against Jim's cheek, and frowned.
"You're burning up.." he muttered, Chapel and Spock now bursting in.

As Jim saw another torturer walk in, he seized up and started shaking at the vomit clogging his airway, from inhaling it while hyperventilating.

"Take over here Chapel," McCoy ordered, marching to the other side of the bed, wheeling over a section device. Jim glanced up at him with fearful panicked eyes. McCoy gently rubbed his arm. Chapel held him still.

"Jim, you're finding it difficult to breathe because your airway is congested with vomit, so I'm going to clear it okay?"

The man didn't respond, just continuing to watch McCoy's movements.
He quickly pulled up the suction and lifted Jim's chin. The poor man looked terrified.

"I need you to open darlin' " he told him, as gently as his southern accent would allow. Jim shook even harder, then squeezed his eyes shut. McCoy took this as a sign.

Pushing the suction under his arm, McCoy placed one hand under Jim's chin, another one against his jaw. Slightly pulling downwards, he managed to some-what open a shaky mouth, grabbing the suction again and pushing it in before Jim changed his mind.

"That's it, you're doing well kiddo" McCoy praised him, who was still shuddering. Chapel slightly eased her grip on him.

"There we go, almost done" McCoy reassured him.

The second his airway was clear, Jim took a shaky inhale. McCoy smiled at him, removing the suction as Chapel rolled him onto his back again.

"You did really well, Jim." Chapel whispered, not ignoring the fact that he seemed slightly calmer than when she came in.

McCoy approached him again, but with a mask in tow.

"This is just going to help you breathe, yeah?" McCoy asked him, before hovering the mask over Jim's mouth and nose. "When you're comfortable with it, I'll strap it on, and you can hold it." he smiled. Jim ever-so-slightly nodded, and reached an exhausted arm out to the doctor.

"Sleep" Jim croaked out hoarsely, McCoy taking Jim's arm with his spare hand and lowering it to his chest.

"You want to sleep?" McCoy asked quietly.

"Bones" Jim whimpered, the doctor's eyes slightly widening in surprise from the sudden recognition. "Me...sleep"

"Alright kid. Do you want it through this mask or through a hypo?" McCoy expected him to want it through a mask; he avoided hypos like the plague.

"Whatever...quickest" he slurred.

"Hold this mask to your face," he told him gently, allowing Jim's sweaty hand take it from his, then fetching a hypo from a tray that had not been tipped onto the floor.

McCoy held the hypo above Jim's face, to let him see it first.

"This is what I'm going to use, alright?"

Jim nodded. He knew what hypos were, but McCoy wanted him to know what was happening.

"Now I'm going to put it against your neck, like this," he explained slowly, putting a hand onto his neck for precision, and descending the hypo to the skin.

"Slight sting," he warned, pushing it against his neck and watching Jim's face for signs of pain. He had temporarily froze at the horribly familiar feeling, but his body went limp the moment the hissing started. McCoy watched Jim's eyes roll back and finally surcumb to a state of rest.

He placed the hypo aside, sitting down wearily propping an elbow up on the armrest.

"My god," he had whispered.

Spock spent the next half an hour watching over Kirk's sleeping form.
But watching him was illogical, for doctor McCoy had him in good care.

"You still here?" grunted a voice from behind him, footsteps following. He believed it to be the doctor himself.

"I must ensure that the Captain is functional. It is my duty."

"No, that's my duty, Spock. Go back to the bridge. You're acting Captain now."

McCoy gave a final challenging expression to the Vulcan before narrowing his eyes and turning to leave, back into the main sickbay, leaving Spock and an unconscious Kirk to themselves in the secluded area of the room.

Then we will both share this duty. Spock thought, standing and staring over at Kirk. Anyone who saw him would have thought his actions were creepy.

"Unnghh.."

Spock's head spun to face the noise. Kirk was awakening.

"Captain," he greeted, not moving his body an inch from where it was standing.

"Spock.." Kirk cracked open his eyes and groaned again, pain lines etched across his forehead. "What happened?" Jim generally didn't remember, the fog still clouding his brain.

"I believe you suffered from a panic attack. You were sedated." He observed Kirk's pain lines again. "This may explain the headache that I realise you are experiencing."

Ah. Kirk remembered what happened now. They passed Tarsus. He was taken to sickbay. The flashbacks made him freak out. Oh well.

"I'll return to the bridge now, thanks Spock." Kirk sat up, momentarily regretting it as the world spun. A steady hand of the Vulcan had gripped onto his arm for support.

"I recommend that you wait until Doctor McCoy has cleared you for duty." The voice next to him said.

Kirk squinted and rubbed his throbbing head.
At least he could see clearly again.
"Where is Bones?" he asked slowly, noticing he wasn't in the room with him.

"Doctor McCoy has tended to the rest of sickbay. You are secluded away from the others."

As annoyingly overprotective Kirk thought Bones was, at least he had the decency to move him into a place where no-one could see his outburst.
Kirk stood up and grinned when his body didn't falter him.

"There's no medical reason to keep me here, so I'll be off now. Come along Spock" he called, sauntering over to the door, dragging his tired feet. Spock followed cautiously behind, eying the Captain, just in case he fell.
Kirk peeked out the door, searching rapidly for Bones. If the good doctor saw him, he'd be dragged back to sickbay immediately.

"All clear!" he whispered mostly to himself.

"Your desire to announce the presence of the doctor is most illogical, for I can see-"

Kirk slammed a hand over the Vulcan's mouth.
"Shut up, he might hear us!" he hissed.
Spock's left eyebrow shot up regardless of the hand covering his mouth. Usually he'd flinch and attack with the contact. This time he was able to control himself.

Just as he was about to step one foot out the sickbay doors, Chapel shouted after him.
"Captain!" she ran up to him. "Where do you think you're going? Doctor McCoy hasn't cleared you yet." Then she looked him up and down. "In fact I don't even think he knows you're awake, hold on—"

"No! No," Jim stopped her from reaching for the comm, "He knows, he discharged me, isn't that right Spock?" he turned and smiled at the Vulcan. Spock stood stiff-lipped and remained wordless.
"So anyway, I'll be off. As you can see, I'm fine. Chao!" Kirk cringed at his choice of goodbye words and hastily escaped from sickbay.

"I will accompany you to the bridge, Captain." Spock was saying from behind him, "However, your choice to leave sickbay was illogical. You have not been cleared for duty, and even more urgently, you asked me to lie for you." Spock unexpectedly tugged on Jim's shirt to get him to stop walking and face him. "Vulcan's cannot lie."

"Yeah? Well thanks for not telling the truth. I would've got my ass dragged back to sickbay." He continued walking, Spock's movements to catch up with him looked to be humanly irritated.

As Spock was about to protest again, Jim stumbled forward, Spock's stronger hands managing to grip onto and catch him in time. Jim looked up at him and gave him a huge grin. Spock, if no-one knew any less, seemed to be frowning.
He was looking down at his grip on the Captain's hands. Kirk looked down also, then pulled away thinking the contact concerned him.

"Sorry, you can let go, I won't fall."

Spock looked him in the eye, then looked back down at Kirk's hands, slowly taking them again.
"Jim," he looked to be studying him, as if Doctor McCoy had never existed. "Your hands are of considerably low temperature. And if I may use a term in which you are familiar—they are also, clammy."

Kirk scoffed. Sure his hands were clammy. That didn't have to mean anything.
"So?"

"I believe you have a fever. We must return to sickbay at once." Spock turned around to return to the chamber-of-torture before Kirk grabbed his shirt and hauled him back around to face him.

"No. We are not going back there." His eyes were fierce. "We are not. Going. Back. There. Do you understand?"

Both of Spock's eyebrows flew up this time, 'surprised' by Jim's sudden outburst. He decided it was logical to avoid the subject from now on, to avoid another breakdown.
He motioned a nod towards the Captain and continued walking in the direction towards the turbolift.

Inside the turbolift, Spock was standing against the wall, observing the Captain with beady eyes, but remaining as cool-headed as ever.

Jim seemed to be staring off into space.

"Jim?" Spock tried to get his attention. The Captain was tense and unresponsive, until he suddenly tipped forward. Holding onto him with strong powered arms, Spock pushed Jim back to see his face.
Jim's head lulled backwards to face Spock, with pure terror and fright filling his eyes.

"Where are you taking me?"

TBC...