Depression: Part 1

A/N: Hey guys! I hope you all like this next piece. It's a two-parter. And, as the title suggests, there is a trigger warning for depressive thoughts. Let me know what you all think and if you have any one-shot ideas!

She wakes up with a lump in her throat, an ache in her chest, and the feeling of weights and the world on her shoulders. She knows what this is, has felt it on more than one occasion. She doesn't know if she can go through this again.

Kara slowly climbs out of bed, missing the secure cocoon of blankets she had had wrapped around her. If she stayed in bed, she wouldn't have to face the world or people or life. She wouldn't have to face anything but the cold darkness creeping into her thoughts.

Padding her way to the closet, she opens the doors and looks through her clothes. Each shirt and skirt stand out to her. Her mind races through all the possible combinations of outfits she could wear to work. She shuts the closet doors and sighs. Too many options, too many choices. She can't handle that right now.

Her phone buzzes on her nightstand. She picks it up and sees Alex's name flashing on her screen. Hey. Are you alright? I heard about what happened last night. Kara clicks the power button once, and the screen goes dark. She doesn't need to be reminded of what happened, doesn't need Alex suffocating her with encouraging words and hugs. She doesn't deserve that kind of love, not after what happened.

Not after what has been happening.

Kara sighs and presses the home button on her phone before inputting her password. She might as well respond. Otherwise, Alex would for sure come over. She quickly types up a response.

I'm fine. Everything's cool. Thanks for checking in. Love ya. : )

Kara reads it over once, then twice. It sounds like her usual self. She shrugs her shoulders, presses send, and tosses the phone onto her bed. Now, to finally pick out an outfit.

She's running late by the time she puts on her clothes and heads out the door toward Catco. It's ironic, considering she has super speed. But, her movements feel sluggish, and she really doesn't want to have to use her super powers now. For once, she just wants to feel normal.

Normal doesn't hurt people. Normal doesn't kill people.

Lena's waiting at her desk, a folder in her hand and her arms crossed over her chest. Her stern stance belies the twinkle in her eyes. Kara can't help but smile, her first real smile in days. Lena always seemed to have that effect on her.

As soon as she sees Kara, Lena grins and begins walking toward her. "You'll never believe what I have for you. You are going to love me."

Kara chuckles a bit and maneuvers around Lena to drop her purse on her desk. "What do you have?"

Lena lays the folder down on the desk and opens it up to the first page. "There's been a mysterious chain of events in National City, as I'm sure you know." Kara tries not to wince at the memories that statement entails. "A whistle blower reached out and mailed me this folder. He also said that he would be willing to meet with a reporter, as long as that reporter had my stamp of approval. I know how much you love a good mystery, and so, I passed your name along to him. He should be contacting you later this week."

Kara flips through the pages of the folder, sees handwritten notes and snap shots of different people. She turns a page and sees a picture of a large building paperclipped to another piece of paper. She bites her lip. That was the building where the explosion happened, the building where people died, because of her. She pastes a smile onto her face.

"Thanks so much Lena, but I don't know if I should really do something like this right now. It sounds…dangerous." Kara inwardly rolls her eyes. That was definitely something she would never have said before.

Lena crosses her arms over her chest again, raising one eyebrow. "That was not the response I was expecting." She lowers her arms, and her eyes roam over Kara's face as if searching for something. "I know you. You would be jumping at the chance to work with something like this. Is everything alright?"

Kara takes a step back and raises her hands. "Of course I'm okay. Why would you ask that?" She adjusts her glasses. "I just…um…" She adjusts her glasses some more, reaches for thoughts and comes up empty-handed.

"You're a terrible liar, Kara." Lena gently grabs the folder from the desk. "If something's wrong, you know you can talk to me. I'm your friend. You can trust me."

"I know." Kara puts her hand on Lena's and takes the folder from her grasp. "I'll look into it. Tell your friend I'd be happy to meet him."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lena looks around the office and gestures toward the people at their desks. "I can find someone else if you don't feel up to the task."

Kara shakes her head a little too fiercely, trying not to grimace as pain begins to build behind her eyes. "I'm okay. It's my job. I can do it."

Lena looks at her again, eyes searching. She sighs and gives a small smile. "Alright. But, if you feel like you can't handle it, please let me know."

"I will." Lena looks pleased with that. She nods and walks away. Kara sits down at her desk and stares at the folder in her hands. She doesn't want to look inside, doesn't want to watch her memories play out as she searches the pictures. With a deep breath, she opens to the first page. She's a Kryptonian, and by Rao, Kryptonians don't let pictures scare them from doing what needs to be done.

It's 7 p.m. by the time she makes it back to her apartment. She hadn't wanted to leave work. Home meant silence and thoughts and pain. Work, at least, provided a momentary distraction from the sea of emotions she constantly felt herself drowning in.

When she opens the door, quiet greets her. She turns on the light and places her purse on the counter. Her stomach growls. She hadn't eaten anything all day.

Kara looks at the fridge. She's hungry, but she doesn't feel like eating. Moving to the couch, she kicks off her shoes and hugs a pillow close to her chest. Failure. Murderer. Failure. The thoughts scream in her mind, constantly on repeat, playing like a broken record. She gasps for breath, the ache in her chest burning like hot fire. She just wants to yell and scream and cry. All she wants is to be free from the pain, from the thoughts that threaten to sink her further into a downward spiral. A silent room is all that responds.

Hands twitching, Kara reaches for her phone. She should call Alex, she knows. Pressing a one on her speed dial, her fingers hover over the call button. Her thoughts twist and turn within her. She wants to call Alex, but she doesn't want to be a burden. Alex could be with Maggie. Alex could be busy. Alex could be on a mission.

She hugs the pillow closer to her chest and turns her phone off. It's not like she is in any danger. Let Alex have her fun and worry about whatever she needs to worry about. She can talk to Alex tomorrow.

The silence stretches through the room like a thick fog invading every corner. The sounds of the city rush into her ears, trying to fill the quiet void. There are sirens and kids laughing and channels being flipped through. There are glasses clinking and blankets rustling and floor boards creaking. It's all too much, too much.

Kara presses her hands against her head, burying her face in the pillow. She can't do this. She can't even live properly. Everything seems wrong, so wrong. The sounds beat at her mind, fighting for dominance against the cacophony of thoughts swirling in her head.

A knock sounds at her door. "Kara?"

The sounds suddenly go quiet. Kara slowly lifts her face from the pillow and bites her lip to keep it from trembling. She knows that voice. Every part of her wants to reach out to the voice and cry for help. But, Alex shouldn't be at the door. Alex should be with Maggie or on a mission or having fun. Alex shouldn't have to deal with an alien who can't get her life together.

Another knock. "Kara? I know you're in there. I'm coming in." There's the sound of a key turning in a lock, and then the door swings wide open. Kara squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn't want to see the pity on Alex's face, the concerned look. She doesn't want to be reminded that it is her brokenness that has Alex here.

A hand rests on her shoulder, and she feels the couch cushions sink down as Alex sits next to her. "Hey Kara. What's going on?" The voice is soft and filled with love. Kara squeezes her eyes shut tighter. She doesn't deserve this. She's too broken, damaged, irreparable.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't be here." The words take so much effort to breathe out. Her lips tremble harder. She can feel tears begin to slide down her cheek. "I'm so sorry."

The hand rubs her shoulder now. "There is nothing you have to be sorry about. You can talk to me. It's okay to talk to me about what you're feeling. I know things haven't been going well."

Kara opens her eyes, slowly. She hugs the pillow tighter. "It's happening again," she whispers. "I can't do this."

Alex pulls Kara toward her and wraps her arms around her. She just hugs her and sits. Kara squeezes Alex back, shoulders shaking with sobs she tries so hard to repress. "I know I should be stronger than this. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way."

Alex takes a hand and tips Kara's chin upward. Kara looks into Alex's eyes and then looks away. She doesn't want to see judgment at the admission. "No, Kara. You never have to apologize for your emotions. And, you are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. Even with everything that has happened, you still go out there and save people and want to make the world a better place. That is beautiful strength."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"I know." Alex moves her hand and begins rubbing Kara's back. "That's what I'm here for. To remind you that you are more than what your thoughts and feelings tell you."

"I'm sorry you had to leave whatever you were doing to check on me."

"Never apologize. I knew something was wrong. Call it my big sister instinct."

Kara laughs slightly at that. It feels good, to laugh. She snuggles closer to Alex. "If it's alright with you, will you stay with me tonight?"

Alex hugs Kara as tight as she can. "Always."