A/N Set after 18x13 "Genes". I changed the ending slightly because to be honest I think Olivia needed comfort and well Amanda is where she finds it in my head. So here goes. Some tiny spoilers but nothing that will ruin the episode. Enjoy!
"Genetics", Olivia spat the word out as she kicked the door behind her closed. Her office was dark and cold. She needed to get the heating fixed but like every other bit of maintenance that needed doing in the precinct, it was on the long finger due to budget cuts. She had the overwhelming urge to scream. Instead she ripped open the drawer and pulled out the bottle of whiskey she kept there for emergencies – this wasn't exactly that but she needed to feel the numbness it provided. Grabbing a glass from the water cooler she poured a large measure and downed it in one. The knock on the door almost caused her to jump out of her skin. The door opened slowly and Amanda hesitated to enter when she saw her lieutenant's demeanour. Her shoulders were hunched, her chin was resting on her chest and her fist was clenched around the empty plastic glass in her hand that she had just crushed.
She figured it was better to enter, even if she was about to get told to turn around and leave again, than pretend she hadn't seen what had happened. She had to at least try; "Liv?"
"Hey Rollins. Sorry I thought everyone was gone for the night."
"They are. I had some paperwork to finish up and Kim offered to babysit. She's obviously after something but you know, don't look a gift horse and all that." She knew she was babbling but she wasn't used to being the one doing the talking in this situation.
"Liv, everything ok?" Amanda realised her Lieutenants attention was riveted on something on her desk.
"Genetics. That kid was gona throw himself off a building because of genetics. It's all lies, my rational self knows that. And then I look at him and…"
Amanda did something she'd never done before, crossing the boundary and moving to Olivia's side of the office. Perching on the edge of the wood she followed her line of sight and saw Noah's smiling face looking at her from the silver frame on the corner of the desk.
"And what?" Amanda wasn't sure if she should push, knew this was unfamiliar ground. She also knew however, that it had been a horrible week.
"I wonder…. Olivia bit her lip to try and stop the tears that were threatening … I wonder if he's going to end up in the dark places I've ended up in. Wonder if he's going to be paranoid that he is predisposed to this. Wonder if he's going to end up in one of those groups… wonder if…" Olivia felt a hand come to rest over hers.
"I wonder if Jessy is going to end up an addict. What would you say to me about that? Actually, do you know what it invades my thoughts so regularly I've had this conversation with you in my head already. And I know what you'd say. You'd say 'It's normal to feel like that, you're a mom. Mom's worry. But she's not you. She will be her own person."
Olivia nodded and a sad smile crossed her lips. "You even sound like me."
"Huh?"
"You just said that with the least accent I've ever heard you say anything since you got here."
Amanda laughed. "Wow you're right. I hear you in my head a lot more than is healthy. I should probably try meditating to tune you out before I go to sleep."
Olivia swatted her arm but her sombre mood had returned and a tear fell as her head rested back against her chair.
Amanda stood and moved half a foot resuming her position on the edge of the desk but closer to the other woman now, close enough to take Olivia's hand in hers.
"Tell me?" her words were quiet and she the silence was so long she wasn't sure she was going to get an answer. When she did it was like emotions long held were pouring from the woman she held in such high esteem.
"I did research, so much research. I read every article I could that was written about children who were products of rape. Their history, the likelihood of them becoming offenders, what types of crime they committed. I lived off chips and dip for an entire week at one point; the one and only week I ever took away from here in consecutive days without being forced, while I tried to find anything that was going to tell me if I was going to end up locked up like the people we arrest every day, for being a sadistic psychopath. And I found so much actual scientific research that said no. I wanted to believe it I really did. But then I found one paper written by someone who said that all kids who were a product of rape were so unwanted, so unloved, that they couldn't possibly grow into fully functioning adults. And all the peer reviewed journals became irrelevant. All I could think was who on earth would love me?"
Amanda went to speak, to reassure the woman whose eyes were still closed, her hand trembling slightly in hers, but she realised Olivia wasn't finished.
"Noah got into a fight with a kid at school. Nothing major, just the usual playground stuff. It just brought it all back. He can't be like me Amanda… he just can't."
The tears had dried and Amanda grabbed two more cups, filling them with whiskey. Handing one to Olivia she clinked them together. "To our kids being nothing like us." Olivia chuckled.
'I gotta say though if Noah is half the person his Mom is then he'll be doing real well."
Olivia met the blue eyes that were watching her intently, allowing herself to get lost for a minute in the genuine concern they were looking at her with.
"Thanks Rollins. I'm sorry I dragged you into my pity party."
"You didn't. I knocked remember? Hell, if I knew there was whiskey this good in here I would have knocked long ago."
This garnered a small laugh from her lieutenant, which allowed the blonde to relax a little. She was genuinely concerned about her boss, worried about what she was going through, unsure she could do anything to assuage her guilt, guilt that was completely irrational. She was an amazing mother, someone Amanda looked to and thought 'well if Olivia can do it so can I'.
"How are things with you?" – Olivia's words cut through Amanda's thoughts, which were wandering to home and wondering how Kim was getting on with Jessy.
"Kim is on her meds. So that's always a help. Jessy is sleeping through the night again after a period of waking up with her teeth hurting. Thankful that's over for sure."
"Did you hear what I asked you?"
"Yeah, I think I just told you…?"
"No I asked how you were Amanda?"
Amanda never shared – in group, with her family, with her friends with anyone – unless it was forced out of her. That someone was actually asking her directly stirred up angst that scared her. Olivia saw it in her body language straight away as the blonde wrapped her arms around her middle.
"You don't want the answer to that Liv, we'd be here all night."
Olivia was glad Amanda used the shortened version of her name. It was a small step, but it made her feel like the walls were coming down a little.
"I have a sitter, you have a sitter, we have whiskey and there is chocolate in the vending machine."
Amanda laughed and removed the hand covering Olivia's. The older woman felt its removal acutely and realised the connection was calming her.
"M&M's?" Olivia smiled the nodded at how well the detective knew her. They'd spend many hours in the past on stakeouts. And eaten many bags of M&M's.
She poured some more whiskey into two glasses she retrieved from the canteen, pouring two large measures into them as Amanda arrived back with the candy. Olivia locked the door, she did not need someone walking in to catch her drinking with one of her detectives in her office, kicked off her boots and took a seat on the sofa in the corner of her office. She sighed, taking a sip of the amber liquid, welcoming the warmth as it travelled down her throat.
"How are you?" Amanda asked, as she handed her an open bag of M&M's.
"Nice try Rollins, too bad for you I have a cop's memory."
"I don't share, ask anyone in my GA meeting."
"Why?"
Quietness was all Olivia got in response so she decided to answer the question Amanda had asked her, hoping it would break the ice.
"I'm tired, so tired my tired is tired. Noah is going through the terrible twos at four and has turned the house upside down. I never understood how Cragen did this job and right now I'm questioning if I can. And I can't hold down a relationship to save my life. Your turn."
Amanda sighed and closed her eyes feeling Olivia observing her. She couldn't look at her lieutenant if she was going to tell her things that she only told herself in the dark of night, and even then, only in her head, never out loud.
"I can't believe I'm a Mom. I look at her sometimes and can't imagine how anything so perfect ever came from me. I worry about leaving her, about coming to work, about being shot again. Who has she got then? No one that will any good to her that's for sure. Not that I'm any good for her but…"
Amanda felt a hand resting on hers and she turned to look at the woman beside her.
"It's simple to see how something so perfect came from you – I can see it clear as day. You can't because all you can do is beat yourself down when you're doing well. You're waiting for it to go wrong because it's always gone wrong. Maybe it's time to allow yourself hope things are gona go right for you Amanda?"
The smaller woman smiled but the sadness in the blue eyes looking at her broke Olivia's heart. She wanted to take it away. Wanted Amanda to believe in herself for once in her life.
"How do you do it?"
"Do what?" Olivia asked confused.
"Make me believe everything can be ok. That I'm not a total screw up?"
"You're not."
"See I almost believe you."
"You. Are. Not. A. Screw. Up. Amanda. Rollins." Each word was punctuated for emphasis and Amanda felt each one break through the wall she kept up to protect herself. Olivia was the only one who could ever get under her skin, get through that wall and into her heart.
She realised sitting here with this woman that what she felt for her went further than respect for a boss. She felt something akin to admiration for sure. But she also felt something else. Something that made her reach out and cup the side of Olivia's face, made her wait for a reaction, grazing her thumb over her boss's cheek before seeing a slight tilt of Olivia's head as she moved towards her. The first brush of Olivia's lips over hers was tentative and Amanda held her breath the entire time. When she felt the other woman pull away Amanda looked for any signs of alarm or regret; she saw none. And so, she leaned in again, reclaiming soft lips and feeling the hand resting on hers move to her hip stroking the bare skin there. Breathing became shallower as kisses became deeper and Amanda decided it was time to show Olivia Benson how much she appreciated having her in her life.
Shifting herself so she could exert some pressure she pushed Olivia down onto the couch and knelt above her, stalling their kisses momentarily so she could look at the woman she was about to make love to.
"Is this ok?"
Olivia nodded and smiled. "Yes, it is."
Amanda leaned down to place another kiss on now swollen lips. She tasted the whiskey on Olivia's tongue as she stroked it with her own, felt a hand slip into her back of her jeans and massage her lower back. She moaned into the mouth claiming hers as she tried fruitlessly to gain control of the situation. Pulling away she looked into the hazel eyes that were holding hers, a shade darker than they normally were.
"I know you're used to being the boss Lieutenant but we need to be on some kind of equal footing here before I come in my underwear without you even touching me. Your hand right now is pulling the crotch of my jeans against my already very hard clit. So, can you kindly locate it back on my hip and at least give me a fighting chance."
Olivia laughed but moved her hand back to Amanda's hip, making circular patterns on her hip bone. Her other hands was stroking through Amanda's blonde hair, which she had let of the clasp it was in. Amanda loved the feeling of fingers in her hair and Olivia enjoyed the groaned response when she hit a particular spot on her scalp.
Amanda's hands began to concentrate on getting Olivia's trousers open. "Side zip." Olivia muttered against her lips.
"You really want to make this hard for me, don't you?" Amanda gruffed as she felt for the side zip and fastener on Olivia's hip. It took her a few seconds to get it open with one hand and the distraction of Olivia's mouth now deftly working on her neck but she managed it. She wasn't in the mood for slow and she knew by the way Olivia was arching her hips into her as they kissed that she wasn't either. Her hand found lace underwear as she peeled Olivia's trousers off her stomach and down her thighs, the brunette kicking them onto the floor somewhere as they reached her knees. The black lace was already damp when Amanda began to rub Olivia through it. The brunette moaned as the soft massage stopped then inhaled sharply as she felt Amanda's hand slip inside her underwear. The blonde's index finger stroked through the wetness that was building and Olivia keened slightly as it hit the underside of her clit.
"Wet and hard for me Lieutenant. Should I take that as a compliment?"
"You can take it any way you want to once you fuck me soon Rollins."
Amanda had only heard Olivia swear a handful of time and only ever in an irate manner. This was completely different and unbelievably hot. She couldn't resist any longer and slipped two fingers into the woman beneath her with ease.
"Fuck… yes…" Olivia moaned as Amanda began to stroke her softly, kissing her as she fucked her. Olivia looked beautiful, her neck arched, eyes closed. Amanda was in awe that she could be taking this woman so completely, making her feel so good. She began to find it more difficult to move her fingers the closer Olivia got to orgasm so she curled and stilled them as she moved her other hand between them, using her thumb to circle Olivia's clit repeatedly. Olivia was on the edge and one last curl of Amanda's fingers inside her along with a small tug on her clit sent her spiralling over, screaming into the pillow beside her as she came. Amanda felt a small amount of wetness in her palm and smiled at the fact she'd made her boss, her friend and her now lover come so hard. She smiled against the chest her head was resting on her fingers still resting inside Olivia.
"What are you smiling about blondie?" Olivia asked as breathing calmed.
"Blondie really?"
"You want me to call you Georgia Peach again?"
"Never? Blondie it is."
Olivia laughed and then asked again "So what are you smiling about?"
"Well that was pretty intense, so intense you seem to have, uh cum… a lot."
"Shit, sorry Amanda, I haven't… I've never actually."
"Hey I'm taking it as a compliment, no apology necessary. However, if you do feel like reciprocating I reckon it's going to take about a minute for me to get off."
"I'd never leave a beautiful woman hanging Rollins." Both women laughed as Olivia pushed up on her elbows so she was now sitting up with the smaller woman in her lap. The kisses became quick and passionate as the spark reignited and Amanda felt the tables turn, when in under a minute, she was sitting on the couch, her jeans, underwear and shoes joining Olivia's trousers on the floor. Her lieutenant's head was resting on her thigh, Amanda stroking her hair.
"I'm scared." Olivia stated, her voice quivering slightly.
"Of what?" Amanda asked gently. She was so turned on it ached but she wasn't about to force Olivia into something she was going to regret.
"What we talked about earlier."
Amanda moved her hands from Olivia's hair and tilted her chin so she was looking at her.
"You are not your father Liv. Neither is Noah. You are wanted, you are loved. Rape is not something you are capable of." Amanda took Olivia's hand and beckoned her from the floor onto the couch. "Come here." Olivia knelt astride the blonde and rested her head on her shoulder, relaxing into the embrace she offered.
"Liv, I've been raped. You and I both understand what it means and I know it's not something that is in you, in your genetics."
Olivia turned her head and kissed Amanda's cheek, making her way in towards her lips and claiming them in a long slow kiss.
"Thank you for making me believe everything can be ok." Olivia rested her forehead against Amanda's as she spoke. Amanda took her hand and guided it between her legs resting it there.
"Do whatever you need to… want to... I trust you Liv."
A small tear fell and Amanda wiped it away as Olivia slipped her fingers through her wet folds smiling as Amanda moaned into her neck. Dragging the wetness up and over Amanda's clitoral hood she felt the woman beneath her arch against her, her clit twitching as it begged for attention. She began a slow circular motion with her index finger but she knew that Amanda wasn't going to last and she wanted to be inside her when she came. Olivia knew she was wet enough for her, had felt it when she slid through her folds earlier. So when she entered her, two fingers were accommodated with ease. The blonde spread her legs wider and pushed herself forward onto the fingers inside her. The feeling was incredible but much as she wanted it to last Amanda knew it wasn't going to happen. So she wanted to get the most out of it while it did. "Faster… on my clit… please!" She moaned as Olivia did as she asked and used her thumb in diagonal flicks exerting just the right amount of pressure to cause Amanda to come hard, shaking and panting as the orgasm took hold of her body. Olivia rested her head back against her shoulder and listened to her rapid heartbeat. It slowed as Amanda slowly came down from her high.
"That was…"
"Yes it was", Olivia agreed, knowing exactly what Amanda was going to say.
Amanda resumed stroking Olivia's hair as she curled her body into hers. "You are a beautiful woman Olivia Benson, you truly are."
"You are stunning too Amanda."
"Remind me again why I haven't knocked on this door before?"
"Because it generally means we're about to have a row, not do what we just did. I'd like more of the latter if that's ok with you?" She felt the body beneath her relax as she said it and realised that Amanda has thought this was just a quick fuck.
"I should have made that clearer I'm so sorry Amanda…"
"Don't be, we were kinda too busy to discuss where this was going. I'm so relieved though; I couldn't bear to think I could never get to do that again. Never get to feel like that again."
Olivia lifted her head and kissed the lips that were downturned, causing a smile that melted her heart.
"Just maybe not in my office the next time?"
"Really? I was thinking it might be really hot to take you on that desk."
Olivia groaned against Amanda's neck and felt the body beneath her shake with laughter.
"I'm in serious trouble amn't I?
"Depends on what your definition of trouble is?"
Olivia luxuriated in the fingers stroking down her spine, the kiss atop her head and the warm arms around her.
She was in trouble and she knew it, and she didn't want it any other way.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
A/N Season 18 is giving me some opportunities to write some one-shots with these two, which I'm grateful for as I don't really have time for anything else! Hope you enjoyed this x I should also point out as per usual – none of this lot belong to me – I wish they did! And I don't have a proof reader so all mistakes are mine to own!