Sincerely, Me Chapter 1: and i'll say, a dear evan hansen fanfic

He's not listening. He can't listen, he doesn't want to listen - his mom is yelling, screaming, crying. There's more yelling, from both of them, each of them saying something he knows they're going to regret. "Well, at least they actually care about me!" he spits out, after a particularly nasty comment from Hedi about how he had no right to be asking strangers for money like a god damned whore. Hedi stares at him, her eyes watering with unshed tears. Evan is sure he isn't any better, feeling his whole body shake from anger and repressed sadness. Evan keeps his eyes trained on the wall behind her, not willing to look his mother in the eyes.

"You know what, Evan? Maybe they're the only people who do!" Evan lets out a sharp gasp at her words, feeling like he had just been punched. He can see the instant regret in her eyes, and she reaches for him, calling his name as he runs out the door, his breath leaving his body in sharp gasps. He runs - he doesn't know where he's running, just that he needs to get out, he needs to get away from her, he needs to go somewhere where no one is going to find him. Dear Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen, Hansen-

He feels his phone vibrate and quickly takes it out of his pocket, throwing it behind him as hard as he can without looking back. He stumbles but doesn't fall, eyes blurring with tears that continue to make their way down his face. Someone is screaming - is it him? Or is Hedi chasing him, trying to apologize and reach out to her son, the only good thing in her life? Isn't that what she had said? That he was the best thing that had ever happened to her? Or had he imagined it, created a thought that was so far away and unbelievable that he actually believed it?

Evan found himself at Jared's door, breathing hard. He wiped at his eyes after he'd knocked, knowing Jared would be home, he had to be home, please let him be home/. His friend - family friend, Evan reminded himself - opened the door, raising an eyebrow when he saw Evan standing there, without a sweater in the cold night. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door, not willing to invite Evan inside. "Jared, I- I need your help," Evan pleaded, fidgeting with his hands./p

p"Yeah, seventeen thousand dollars is a lot to raise in one week," Jared supplied, a sneer on his face. Evan looked up quickly, feeling his heart break at the tone in Jared's voice. "Honestly, Evan, make up your fucking mind!You didn't want my help a few hours ago when everything was fine and dandy, but now you do? What changed, Evan Hansen? Because it sure wasn't my feelings about how much of an asshole you are." Evan held back a sob, straightening himself out as he looked at Jared./p

"I bet you wouldn't even care of I disappeared, huh, Jared Kleinman?" Evan asked, his sarcastic voice making an appearance./p

p"You know, Hansen, I really wouldn't. I just kept you around for my car insurance. My mom thinks we're actually friends, so if you disappeared, I would probably get a new car because they'd feel so bad for me!" Jared hissed, slamming the door. Evan turned away quickly, running again. Why was everything going wrong? What was happening with Evan - sarcastic and rude without saying sorry? Tears began filling his eyes again, but Evan held them back, making his way to the only other place that he knew: the Murphy Residence.

pZoe answered the door, a bright smile on her face when she realized that Evan had come back despite having gone home a few hours ago. But Evan's mind was elsewhere, and he declined her offer to come inside. "Zoe, I need to- I want to talk. About us. About this," Evan stated, motioning between them. Zoe's smile fell, and Evan could almost feel her chest tightening with his, her hands crossing in front of her chest. Evan was painfully reminded of his encounter with Jared only an hour prior but refrained from crying.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"N-"

"Is this about the money, Evan? Were you just using me for the money? And now that you don't have it, you're done with me? Or was it about Connor? You wanted some way to remember him, right?" Evan paused. She wasn't wrong there, and it hurt to think about. It stung at how right she really was, because Connor had been a little bit more than a friend. He'd been a happiness, and maybe Evan had tried to replace that happiness by dating Zoe. Still, he protested./p

"What? No, Zoe-"

"Goodbye, Evan." She closed the door.

She closed the door.

Evan walked home alone, shaking. He felt like laughing at how the universe was screwing him over, but then he would look crazy, and Evan already looked crazy, and Evan didn't want the neighbors to call the police on him again. Dear Evan Hansen - today started out as a good day. You had Zoe, and now you don't. Now it's all gone, you're gone, people want you to disappear. Jared - your only friend, Jared - was right. Your mom was right, Zoe didn't say anything but she's right, too. They're all right.

His mother's car wasn't in the driveway when he got home, Evan noted. The door was locked, but easy to get open again. He made sure to lock it behind him, not wanting his mom to figure out where he was so quickly. Evan's mind was made up - he would disappear, just like everyone wanted him to. Perhaps he should warn someone, maybe Alana or even Jared, But Alana wouldn't answer his calls, even if Evan did have his phone, and Jared would laugh and ask if he could help, because Evan was such a burden, Evan was nothing-

He swallowed a handful of pills, then another, and another. He'd been saving his medication, not taking it at all, lying to his mom about it. When she'd asked to see the bottles, he would pour the pills into a bag and get another bottle the next day. And now there was an endless supply of pills to take, and Evan was taking all of them. Mom. You need to write to mom. She's probably at class now, or maybe work. Is it Sunday? Monday? Evan thought, feeling tired. Blindly, he reached for a notepad, grabbing a pen and scribbling down a note./p

Dear Connor Murphy,
Today is going to be a good day, and here's why - I'm going to see you again. It's my last day. A bit funny, don't you think, how I always told you not to kill yourself, and yet here I am, killing myself? It the words of you, 'Isn't that the saddest fucking thing?' Jared would laugh right now, right? Make a comment that everyone thinks is stupid, but I actually find funny? I've missed you. It's weird, not hearing your voice unless I'm feeling anxious. Zoe thought I was breaking up with her, but I just needed someone to talk to me. I hope she doesn't feel guilty about this. I also wanted to call Alana so someone would stop me, but I dropped my phone. Is dropped the correct term? Or am I doing what I did when I fell out of the tree?
You were right. I didn't fall. I let go.

Evan sat back on his bed, closing his eyes tightly as tears began to fall. He quickly scribbled down something else before setting down the notepad by his bed and curling into a ball on his side, facing away from the door. No, Evan, the Murphy family doesn't care for you. Only Connor cared for you. You're going to see Connor again.

He was going to see Connor again.

He was going to see Connor again.

Evan smiled for the last time, his heart slowing to a dull thud, then nothing at all. It had seemed to go on forever, until Evan opened his eyes and looked up, catching the familiar smile of Connor Murphy. He offered his hand to the newly dead boy, and they both pretended not to hear Hedi's scream as she found Evan. Instead, Connor pulled Evan up and smiled brightly. "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why..."

Evan smiled back. "We're together again. Just you and me, and that's good enough for the rest of our lives."

"Sincerely, me."

Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there's you, and all my hope is pinned on you and only you, and I don't even know why I'm saying this, but I love you. Maybe if I could just talk to you. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to you. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your best, and dearest friend,
Me

But you know what? I love you, too. Perhaps more than I've loved anyone. And I can't wait to see you again.
Your best, dearest, most awkward friend,
Evan Hansen (that's me!)