Alciel woke up in a tangle of bedsheets. But how? Unless it was all just a cliched dream.

Nah, my writing's not that horrible.

He sat up, blinking his eyes to clear away the remains of sleep. Was that a sword that shot by his head to land in the wall?

Nah, just a normal dagger. Back to sleep.

Something plunged onto his chest. Alciel did not like it very much and rolled onto his side, retching loudly. The killing blow was dealt, a death-inducing poke to the face.

"URGH. Screw you kindly, Lucifer." Alciel spluttered.

"No thanks! And shut up!" Lucifer hissed. "Your mom called us to breakfast like, an hour ago."

"My mother?" groaned the almost-dead demon. "She left a long time ago. You son of a bitch."

"Shhhhhh! Shut up!" Begged Lucifer. "She'll kill us! She'll kill all of us!" Lucifer whispered, trying obviously to rein in his emotions. "...maybe except for Satan. He's too cute for anyone to kill." he admitted.

There was a scream. And it sounded like a soul begging from the depths of hell.

It sounded like small goot Satan.

Alciel and Lucifer yeeted out of the room, the newly-resurrected Alciel grabbing a hairbrush from the table beside his bed.

"WHO'S HURTING MY CHILD? FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME!" Alciel challenged, bursting into the dining room.

It was a strange scene that met his eyes. A robust, redhaired woman was holding a pan of steaming food. Malacoda… was not Malacoda (more on this later). And Satan had a large dog-beast on his lap, hence the screaming.

"AL- ALCIEL! PROTECT ME! A WOLF IS TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!" sobbed the little prince.

"WOOF!" the wolf barked cheerfully.

Alciel dropped the brush and began the sticky process of removing the dog. Satan threw his arms around him and buried his face in his clothes.

"THANK YOU, MY BRAVE WARRIOR! I WILL MAKE SURE BARDS SING OF YOUR COURAGE IN THE FACE OF DANGER! AND I WILL MAKE SURE TO NEVER LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP AGAIN!"

The general gave him an awkward pat on the head. "Thank you kindly, your majesty. I do not think this is a wolf. I am sure wolves do not bark. This is a dog, I think. It just wants to be friends with you."

"Now please, someone tell me what happened for us to get here."

The woman set down the dish and clicked her fingers, summoning the dog to her side. "Well, the feds put you all in my house. And wolves bark, though they don't do it often. Alciel, I thought your old man taught you things like that. I'll explain more later," she nodded to Al, who was questioning the meaning of life.

"Donkey does not bite. He never did." the woman said.

"What made you name your dog "'Donkey"', madam?" Malacoda asked politely.

"Because he's ugly. And he's got the personality." she stated dryly. Donkey yipped in agreement. "The name's Freyja. Silent J. Now sit down and eat your pie. We're going out soon and I don't want you all to look like the undead. I don't want to get a scare every five seconds. So EAT."

They ate. It was apple pie which Satan gobbled up greedily. Malacoda sipped orange juice.

"Oh, and Adramelech's on the roof." he mentioned casually.

"Why is he on the roof?" muttered Alciel.

"Don't ask."

It seemed to be a recurring theme.