A/N: So this is based on real emotions from a different situation. Parts of this come from my diary, twisted around to make this letter/note/whatever you want to call it. Partly inspired by I Really Want You by James Blunt.

A/N #2: I have previously posted this on FictionPress but rereading over my stories the other day, I realized I had this image of Kate in my head... It's basically set in the future to where Castle is no longer around (in my mind, he's dead) any it's Kate's way of dealing with things.

SideNote: It's purposely written they way it is, almost nonsensical from paragraph to paragraph because who, when they speak to someone, especially in their mind, keeps track of everything in order?

Letter To You

I did it. I made a whole day. If was hard, especially around the time I usually call you. Do you know how much you were on my mind yesterday? Way too much. I'm proud of myself but I dunno if it's a good thing or not. They say it's healthier to move on, but I don't want to ever forget. There's already so much I miss. I don't think I could ever survive if I forgot.

I tried to visit you yesterday. I was going to bring you chocolate to say 'I'm sorry.' I don't know even why I'm trying to apologize, only I feel like it's my fault. For everything. The reason I can't see you, talk to you any more. Halfway out the door I remembered. And now the chocolates are sitting in the fringe. I can't bare to thrown them away. They just remind me of you too much.

They said one day I would come to understand what being in love feels like. I had scorned them, turned my nose up. I liked being independent. I didn't need no man to take care of me. But now I understand. It's not about having someone to take care of you. It's about having someone who will have your back, who will help you through the tough times and be with you during the happy ones.

I got given this book the other day. Reminded me of all the ones you used to write in. There was always one in your bag. Paper crinkled from so much use. "You never know when the inspiration will hit," you used to say. I'd just shake my head at you. But now I see. I've bought a few books myself, hoping they'd bring me closer to you. At first I was just going to write my thoughts down but now I've found myself writing to you. I guess it helps a little, talking to you...

Do you know what I'm doing now? I'm still hoping you'll walk through that door, full of boundless energy, ready to drag me out into the world. I still look at my phone, hoping it's you that will call. I know it's pathetic, ain't it? That's just how pathetic I am. Pining over you like some lovesick puppy.

I just miss you is all. I just wish I could see you, once more. Did you know I haven't been able to sleep for the last few nights? And when I do, my thoughts are plagued by you, hanging out with you, being with you, sleeping by your side.

We've talked so much in the past few months. Practically every day. I find myself thinking of something to tell you, a funny joke or something that happened at work that day. It's only later that I remember...

And now I refuse to say goodbye. Because saying goodbye means you are really gone. And I refuse to accept that. So here's me saying 'Until next time...'

Thanks for reading,

Monkeywand